by Warren, Mike
*
The hardest part was attending my mother’s funeral and then turning around the following day and attending Robin’s funeral. Z was by my side the whole time for support, catering to my every need and want. He was absolutely fabulous about the whole ordeal.
Momma Gerdy and my Uncle Bill paid for both Momma’s funeral and Robin’s because Robin’s momma, Auntie as I called her, was a total wreck. And she didn’t have the funds to put her daughter away. Of course Momma Gerdy, had no idea where the money came from to pay for two funerals, but I knew as I watched Uncle Bill pull out his checkbook and paid the funeral director over twenty thousand dollars for both services.
The funeral director told me the day after they picked up my mother’s body that her burns were severe, that she would have to have a closed casket at her funeral. So as I sat there grieving her loss, I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, she had gotten out and wasn’t in that coffin at all. I know that sounds absurd, but the thought of her not being in that coffin was making me feel better. Maybe I didn’t kill her at all.
As I looked around the chapel in the funeral home, I realized that Momma didn’t have a lot of friends. The only people there were Momma Gerdy, Uncle Bill, and Keisha, two or three people Momma knew around the way, me, Z, and the minister. I didn’t know what the minister’s sermon was about because, even though my body was there, my mind was somewhere else.
*
Later that night after Momma’s burial and the small gathering at Momma Gerdy’s house, Z and I left and went home. I’d taken a couple of Valiums that morning and found myself taking a couple more on the ride back home with him.
“Cameron,” Z said in a whisper as he drove down the highway.
I was nodding off. “Yeah.”
“I really would like to have a heart to heart talk with you,” he stated in a low but serious tone.
“About?”
“I want to know the truth as to what happened that night.” He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes.
“What do you mean?”
“The truth, babe. I wanna know the truth.”
“I told you all I know, Z. I just can’t handle this all by myself,” I replied sniffling.
“Cam, you’re not alone. I think you keep forgetting I’m an attorney, and I know, or shall I say, I feel you’re keeping something from me.”
Z was right. I never did tell him what happened. But how could I tell him the truth? And if I did tell him the truth, would he stop loving me and then ask me to leave?
“Babe, I know you’re going through a lot. Regardless of what happened, I’m here for you, but I need you to trust me and be honest with me.”
Z pulled up in front of his house and parked the car. I sat there trying to get my thoughts together, but I couldn’t think straight because of the Valium.
“Come on, Cam, let’s go in the house, get comfortable, and talk.”
Z got out of the car and came over to the passenger side, opened the door, and helped me out of his car. We both were exhausted, and like all the other nights, he held me in his arms.
I began to tell him exactly what happened that night. Of course, I cried like a baby, but Z did not judge me. He held me tight until I couldn’t cry anymore, and then he kissed me passionately.
I knew he had been waiting patiently for me to make the first move and because he had been there for me and now knew the truth of what had happened, he still loved me and wanted to be with me. And for that, I was eternally grateful, so I gave myself to him that night.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t the toe-curling, mind-blowing sex that I loved, but this time around was different because, for once, I was satisfied that I had pleased someone other than myself. Chile, let me tell you, Z came three or four times, telling me how much he loved me and how much he wanted to take care of me. As much as I’d always wanted to hear those words from a man, I knew Z wasn’t the one I wanted to spend my life with. He was a good man, a hard-working man, and an intelligent man as well, but I had love for him but wasn’t in love with him.
As he lay beside me sleeping, I felt bad that I couldn’t love him the way he loved me. I knew I would have to leave and start doing things for myself. Again, I kept hearing Momma’s voice in the back of my head. “Man up, baby, man up.”
Tomorrow was Robin’s funeral, and I seriously didn’t wanna go. How could I look down at her knowing I was responsible for her death? How could I console Auntie without feeling guilty? I was so restless lying in this bed, turning from one side to the other, I decided to turn the TV on and hoped that whatever was on could erase all of the thoughts creeping a mile a minute in and out my head.
I began flipping the channels, and oddly enough, there was a commercial on about joining the United States Army and “being all that you can be.” At first I laughed at the thought of being in the Army. After all, who couldn’t look at me and tell I wasn’t gay? Anyhow, I continued to watch the commercial, which went on and on as though it was talking directly to me. Then I realized it was one of those infomercials. This brotha was talking about how he wanted to better his life for his family and in order to do that he had to become a man first, that being in the Army taught him how to be a man.
I started thinking about my life and the direction it was going in. I realized I wasn’t doing a damn thing, other than sulking and having people take care of me. It was time for me to stop depending on other people and for me to “man up,” as Momma would say, and take care of myself.
Besides, the military didn’t look that hard, and it would give me the opportunity to travel, make my own money, and take care of myself.
After making the decision to join the Army, I felt like a big weight of some sort was lifted off my shoulders. I felt comforted and calm for some reason. I knew what I had to do. Tomorrow morning I was going to the recruiting office and enlist in Uncle Sam’s Army.
I began to drift off to sleep as I heard the announcer’s voice on the infomercial say, “Uncle Sam is looking for a few good men.”
I laughed to myself. So am I.
Epilogue
Well, chile, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Looking back, I really don’t regret joining the military because it has done a lot for me. I’ve traveled, I’ve been able to take care of myself, I’ve met some really good people, and I even got married and had a son named after me. Unfortunately, my wife and I didn’t work out. I guess she was looking for a man, a husband, and ultimately so was I.
I heard someone scream down the steps, “Camira, you gonna be going on in fifteen minutes.”
Chile boo, anyways I still see my son from time to time. Although, I don’t go around him dressed up like a woman.
Hell, Chauntel has never even seen me dressed up like a woman. I know, if she did, that bitch would gag, considering I look so much better than she does.
Of course, I’ve only been doing drag for a short time. This performance I plan to do for Sean is only the second time I’ve actually performed in front of an audience. I honestly believe I was destined to do drag and perform in front of an audience. Even when I was a little boy, I used to dress up in my mother’s clothes, stand in front of a mirror, and lip-synch to Patti Labelle’s old jams.
It’s funny because when I met my girl Akasha down at Bunn’s one night, she thought she knew me and called me by some drag queen’s name. I had to convince her that I wasn’t her and that my name was Cameron. Well, honey, we became the best of friends, and before I knew it, Ms. Thang had me doing drag. I had become one of the dragons. Truth be told, it ain’t like she had to twist my arm or hold a gun to my head, because I was all for it.
*
As for my family back in Omaha, I talk to Momma Gerdy at least every Sunday, just so she knows I’m still alive. She worries so. She’s up in age now, but I love her just the same for all of what she has done for me and my sister Keshia.
As for my little sister Keisha, she’s not so little anymore. She’s married to an engineer and no
w lives in Charlotte, North Carolina with their one-year-old son. I’m so proud of her because with a husband, who ain’t a bad-looking brotha by the way, and a one-year-old, she still finds time to go to school for her RN degree.
I still think of my real momma from time to time and wished she was still here. I miss her so much. But I think I’m gonna be okay. I know she’s looking down from Heaven and telling me to “man up,” but that’s just not who I am. I am what I am, and I have gone through a lot in my lifetime to be who I am, and I make no apologies for it. People have to accept me, or they can kick rocks, as Keisha would say.
I’m still in the United States Army, and thank God for our President Barack Obama, who initiated the repeal on gays in the military, I still have a job. The morning I signed up for the Army, I was lucky enough to be able to leave that day. I never said anything to Z about going because I was afraid he would try to talk me out of it.
After I joined, I did send him a Dear John and explained to him why I had to leave. He said he was broken-hearted, but he understood that a man had to do what a man had to do. Even me. Of course, he thought that comment was funny, I didn’t.
Anyways, we’ve kept in contact over the years, and he had actually met someone and fell deeply in love, and they have been together for the past couple of years. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a wee bit jealous, but I am happy for him and his new partner.
Oh by the way, I actually got a letter from him a couple days ago, and he had the nerve to invite me to him and his lover’s anniversary party. Chile boo, I’m happy for him, but I ain’t that happy, you know.
When my father/uncle died a few years ago, I went home for the funeral. I did stop by and pay Z a visit. At the time he was still single, so we hooked up, and yes, I let him hit it for old times’ sake. And, again, it wasn’t all that, but Z was happy and still talking about how he was still in love with me, blah blah blah.
I have met a lot of new people over the years, some good, and some bad, but ultimately, life is good. Now, when I met Sean Mathews, I thought he would be the one. The one that I prayed to God for every night.
I would get on my knees and say to God, “Just Make Him Beautiful.” I met Sean in Basic Training. I didn’t speak to him at the time because I really didn’t know what to say. I knew he wasn’t gay, just by the way he carried himself, but I was going to do everything in my power to get at him.
Once we graduated from Basic Training, I found out where he was going to be stationed and I had a friend of mine in the administration department change my orders so I go to Fort Meade, Maryland as well.
Sean Mathews, what can I say about Sean? I first have to admit that I wasn’t honest with him about a lot of things. I’d never told him about my relationship with my brother, or the relationship I had with Keith. I never told him about my mother being in an institution or that I had killed the three most important people in my life.
As feminine as I am, I wanted Sean to accept me as a friend. I needed Sean in my life because he to me was the epitome of what a man was supposed to be. He carried himself in such a way that I loved him the first day I laid eyes on him.
Chile, I shall not forget. We were still in Basic Training and had just finished PT. We were standing outside the mess hall in line for breakfast, and he was standing right in front of me, sweat pouring of him like a waterfall. He had his OD-green gym shorts on and had taken off his T-shirt. Even his back had muscles.
Lawd, I stared at him from the top of his six-two frame to his ankles and felt my nature rise, as well as the moisture from within my thighs. Now, that was the first time I had experienced both of my sex organs becoming excited at the same time. I wanted to somehow get in front of him just to see what this black Arnold Schwarzenegger brotha looked like.
But there was nothing I could do because, as a new recruit, you’re not allowed to say shit while standing in line, and if you do, you will be severely reprimanded. So, I waited until we got inside the mess hall, where I could possibly bump into him, and that way, I would get a better look.
We made it into the mess hall, and Sean sat with, I assume, his friends from his squad. I, on the other hand, sat with those in my squad. I wasn’t friends with any of them, but I had a direct view of Private Sean Mathews. I noticed that Sean had finished his breakfast and got up to dump his tray in the trash.
Needless to say I got up, and as I was about to dump my food in the trash as well, I deliberately bumped into him, and he turned around.
“I’m sorry. My bad,” I said nervously.
“No problem, shawty.” He smiled at me, showing his dimples.
Chile, I almost fainted. I looked up at him with his mocha-colored complexion and chiseled chest. I felt like I had died and gone to Heaven. I stood there frozen and watched as he placed his scraps in the trash, and his plates and silverware in the sink. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him because as I looked across his chiseled chest and at his succulent man nipples, my eyes scrolled farther down and I swear to God, this brotha wore no underwear because I could clearly see the print of his half-erect penis protruding from his shorts. Honey, that shit looked so good, my mouth began to water. I became so flustered, I was afraid I would instinctively reach out and grab it. I dumped my whole tray in the trash bin and ran out of there.
It seems like it was only yesterday, but it’s been almost four years since that happened. Sean and I did become the best of friends and even fell in love with each other. However, we seemed to have fallen in love with each other at separate times.
That day I fell in love with Sean, he was already in love and married and had a child to boot. Unfortunately, when he finally realized he was in love with me, we were standing in church at the altar. I was the groom, and he was my best man.
When Sean burst out and said that he loved me and didn’t want me to make the same mistake he did, I was stunned like a deer caught in headlights. But it was the wrong time. I married Chauntel anyway. I’m not sure what would have happened if Sean hadn’t been picked up by the MPs that day, but I guess we will never know.
*
“Camira, you’re on in one minute, girl! You betta hurry up!” I heard Akasha yelling down the stairs at me.
I yelled back, “Okay already.”
Well, honies, as they say, the show must go on. You know, I was going to lip-synch Vanessa Bell Armstrong’s “Congratulations,” but so much had changed between Sean and me that to show him I still care in my own way and that I can still laugh about what we had, I changed the song to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”
Hopefully, he will get the irony of that. It’s funny, I joined the military hoping it would make me more of a man, when in fact, it seemed to do the complete opposite, chile boo. Anyway, as I was about to get up, I took a real hard look at myself in the mirror and I realized how beautiful I was as a woman, and then it finally hit me. I had an epiphany. All the years I had been praying to God to “Just Make Him Beautiful,” I realized He already had.
98