“Who, who is it?”
Caught off-guard, my brother opened the window a tiny bit but did not show his face.
“It’s me. Open the front door.”
I heard the sound of him running to the living room, and he opened the front door as he ran out barefoot.
“Hurry, come inside.”
“Is Mom sleeping?”
“I heard her television on a little while ago, I think she just went to bed.”
The living room was dark. My brother and I went into his room and sat down.
“You want me to wake her up?”
“No, I’ll go see her before I leave.”
“You’re not going to stay the night here?”
“I can’t. I just dropped by.”
Finally, it hit him. He gave out a little cry and raised his arm to cover his eyes. All I could do was sincerely apologize.
“I am so sorry. I know you were all worried.”
“We’re doing fine, really. The thing is, I’ve decided to move to the US.”
“What do you think you’ll do there? I guess, no matter what, you’ll get paid more.”
“I can’t live here. Whatever happens, it’ll be better than this.”
I did not want to, but shamelessly I asked him, “What about Mom?”
My brother was being too nice. He did not bark back at me as he used to, he did not say that if I were truly worried about our mother I should stop wandering around getting involved in the useless business of protesting and teaching laborers at night schools.
“Her sister has decided to move in with her.”
My aunt was a widow. My brother had majored in engineering, but he quit school to work in the Middle East as a technician. After toiling in the desert for a few years he came back with a small amount of savings. He had just turned thirty. There was a girl he had been involved with since college. Out of consideration for me, who had never settled down and was always wandering around, they never got officially engaged. Her family had decided to immigrate to the US, and they had been separated for the past couple of years.
“Will you get married there?”
“I guess so. On paper, it’s all done.”
“What did Mom say?”
“All she does is worry about you. She also . . . she read the newspaper, too. She says everyone in the neighborhood says you’re a Commie.”
“Is that what you think?”
My brother seemed conflicted. He dropped his eyes to the floor.
“You and your friends . . . The ones you’re fighting against are powerful . . . What can you do now?”
“There are many of us.”
“Maybe.”
“There is going to be so much to do, and a lot more people like me.”
Both my brother and I were silent for a while. Then I said, “I should get going. I’ll go see Mom, you stay here.”
I walked across the living room and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. I saw a dim red nightlight and the outline of my mother’s tiny body curled under the blanket. I sat down by her head and held her thin fingers poking out next to the pillow.
“Mom? Mom . . . ?”
“Umm . . . who is it?”
“Mom, it’s me, Hyun Woo.”
“Who?”
Still half asleep, she got up and pushed the blanket away. She reached for her glasses and looked at me.
“Turn the light on.”
I stood up quickly and turned the light on. She regarded me from behind her glasses and gestured.
“Come, sit closer to me.”
I sat right next to her. She was wearing pink pajamas that were too big for her. I had bought her the pajamas when I had made a little money after working on a translation.
“Where have you been?”
“At a friend’s house in the countryside.”
“Did you eat well? You were not sick?”
“Of course not. I never once even caught a cold.”
“I know what you’re doing. I know everything now. I don’t have the energy to put a stop to it, but I do wish you could stop it before you get hurt. Look at your brother. He’s moving to the US. You’re the eldest son in our family. You should get married and have children!”
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“You’re going to disappear again?”
“Yes. Give me some time, I’ll wrap things up.”
“Can you at least call me once in a while?”
“I’ll do that.”
She opened a drawer and reached into it until she finally found a small plastic bag and handed it to me.
“Keep this.”
“What is it?”
From the bag she pulled something rectangular the size of a matchbox, wrapped in red silk.
“I normally don’t believe in these things, but this is a scary time.”
Without saying anything, I lifted the top part of the folded red silk with my fingernail. There were intricate letters in red ink and a picture of Avalokiteśvara, the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy, in gold. I almost laughed out loud and threw it back into her lap, but I managed to control myself and ask her again, as if I did not know what it was.
“Really, what is this?”
“Well . . . it’s a talisman. A group of women from the neighborhood were going to see a fortune-teller, so I went with them. The fortune-teller made it. I know you think it’s only a superstition. That’s what I thought before. But I’ve changed, I’ve changed a lot. Things don’t always work out the way you want them to.”
“Fine, Mom. I’ll keep it.”
I used both my hands to hold it as if I was receiving a prize, then I took out my wallet and opened the coin compartment. In it was the picture of Yoon Hee. Before my mother could see, I quickly put the talisman on top of her picture and closed it, and I put the wallet back into my jacket. When I got up, my mother suddenly grabbed my hand and began to cry. Tears streamed down her deeply lined face.
“Please, please take care of yourself. I think I’m going to die before I see you again.”
“Please, don’t say such a thing. It’ll all be cleared up in three, four months, then I can come back and take care of you.”
“No, I know everything. Your brother and sister are lying to me, but I know what’s going on. I know you betrayed the government. But remember this. If you truly believe in what you believe, one day even the government will realize that it was wrong and change itself. It’ll take some time, but it can happen.”
I could not stand it any more. I turned around to hide my face and she put something in the back pocket of my pants. I took it out and saw a roll of cash.
“I don’t . . . I really don’t need it.”
“No, you do. It’s getting colder every day, so you need to get some new clothes. And eat meat once in a while to stay healthy. Okay, go now.” She gently pushed me.
“Stay inside, please.”
“Why can’t I see you leaving?”
This time, I pushed her back.
“I don’t want any neighbors to see when I leave.”
“I guess you’re right.”
Helpless, my mother stood behind the slightly opened door to her room and watched me walk across the darkened living room. She kept gesturing as if she were pushing me away, silently telling me to hurry up. I no longer hesitated. I put my shoes back on and deliberately closed the front door with a loud bang. As I walked down to the courtyard, my brother followed me.
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes.”
“To go where?”
“Why do you ask?”
My brother took his hand from his pocket and put something in my back pocket. I glanced back and saw a white envelope. Like my mother, he was giving me money.
I decided to simply accept it as I had with my mother. I did not want him to be seen, so I decided not to go out through the gate, instead taking the trail leading back up the mountain. Just I was about to walk through the forsythia trees, Mary began to wag her tail like
crazy and bark violently. I quickly sat down next to her, stroking and scratching her head and neck, waiting for her to calm down. Mary finally relaxed and lay down on the ground. I could not wait any longer. I got up and offered my hand to my brother, who had been watching me in silence.
“Good luck in the US . . . and don’t worry about me.”
My brother held my hand, still not saying a word. Deliberately, I took my hand from his, and I walked through the forsythia trees and past the vegetable garden. All the dogs in the neighborhood were barking now. I passed the old grave and took a trail past another neighborhood and toward the bus stop. I waited in the darkened alley, then ran to the bus as it was just about to leave. As I took the seat right behind the driver, I realized that I had been so preoccupied with visiting my family and leaving without anyone noticing that I had no idea where I was going next. I thought of going back to Myung Hun’s studio, but I gave up on the idea, not wanting to burden Ho Sun. I pictured the bus route in my head: it was headed toward Shinrim-dong, and I thought of a friend I knew from the night school who rented a room in that neighborhood. I figured I could crash with him, if only for one night. Everything else I would think about in the morning. All of a sudden, I was exhausted. I folded my arms, lay across the empty seat in front of me, and dozed off. In my sleep, I heard the rattling sound of the iron bridge over the Han River.
“Hey, last stop.”
The bus was empty. An attendant who had come to clean the bus was shaking my shoulder. It was almost midnight. Even the bars and restaurants were closed, and there were only a couple of drunkards pestering each other in the narrow alley.
As I walked up the alley lined with identical houses, I tried to remember which one was my friend’s. It did not take me too long to find the rusted iron gate draped with grapevines. I hesitated for a while before I rang the door bell. I could hear birds chirping, but the house remained quiet and dark. Once again, the sound of a chirping bird. A light was turned on near the foyer, and a woman’s sleepy voice came out of the speaker.
“Who is it?”
“Excuse me. Is Hyup in?”
“Huh? Jesus Christ! Do you know what time it is? Hyup has moved back to his hometown, he doesn’t live here any more.”
There was a clicking sound, and the light in the foyer went off. I could picture her yawning and cursing under her breath as she returned to bed.
I slowly walked down the alley and returned to the commercial area near the bus stop. There was a red neon light. On top was the symbol of a hot spring, a circle with three curving lines, and two blinking syllables below, Rim Inn. I knew what the missing first syllable was; I think its full name was Hak Rim Inn. I remembered staying there one night when we all had gotten too drunk but were still unwilling to go home. I walked into the motel. The face of a middle-aged woman with heavy eyes appeared behind a glass panel.
“Is there a vacancy?”
“Are you alone? Someone just left, so we have one empty single room.”
She walked in front of me, carrying a towel, a pitcher, and a registry book. I humbly followed her. Yes, here was Room 401 of Hak Rim Inn. It was supposed to be a good class of motel, but the room was the size of a bathroom. In order to meet its classification, there was a bed that filled up the room and left a tiny space on the side you could barely walk through. The woman put down the tray with the water glass and pitcher and handed me the registry.
“Write down your information, please. In detail. There are so many crackdowns these days.”
I took out the ID card that was given to me for situations just like this, and I wrote down the number and the address on it. I could not remember the last time I had stayed at a motel. After she left, I went into the bathroom and turned on the water. As I expected, just like it did the last time, dark sludge came out of the faucet. I waited for a long time with the water on, and finally the sludge turned the color of light coffee. At least the water was pretty hot. I could not bring myself to take a bath in that water, so I washed my face and feet. I lay down on the bed but could not fall asleep. I stared at the black rotary phone on the bedside table. If I called one number I would be connected to the outside world. In my mind, I called Kalmae and had a long conversation. Yeah, it’s me. I arrived in Seoul, I’m still safe. I went home and saw my brother, my mother. I miss you. Should I come back?
I did not know what time it was. Later, when I thought about that day, I figured it was around three in the morning. Someone knocked on the door. The woman from the front desk spoke.
“Sir, open the door, please.”
“What is it?”
This time a thick male voice, accompanied by aggressive banging on the door, yelled, “It’s an inspection!”
I sprang up from the bed. I looked around. I saw the room with its ridiculous bed, the hanger where I had hung my clothes, a small window. And this was the fourth floor.
“Hurry, open up!”
“Yes, yes . . . I’m coming.”
I tried to sound as groggy as I could and put some clothes on. Meanwhile, I quickly recited to myself certain facts. The address, the name, the ID number, the job, the reason I was there. I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. I turned on the light and opened the door. The woman had already removed herself to the background, and facing me were two policemen, one in uniform and the other in plainclothes. The plainclothes one stood glaring at me with penetrating eyes and held out his palm.
“Your ID.”
I took my wallet out of my pocket, pulled out the ID card, and handed it to him. He studied it carefully, front and back.
“You live in Inchon?” he asked, still holding the ID card.
“Yes.”
“What do you do?”
“I work for a company.”
“What company?”
I had memorized the name of the factory where the real owner of the ID card had worked, so I told him that, adding the department and the position. I did it confidently and stared back, and he smirked.
“And what are you doing here at this hour?”
“I came to see a friend from high school, but he wasn’t home, and it was late, so . . .”
“Where does he live?”
I had to pause a bit there.
“It’s nearby.”
“Really? Then I guess we’ll have no problem finding it. That’s your bag? Bring it.”
“What is this? Don’t I have a right to stay a night at a motel?”
The plainclothes officer kept smirking, and the uniformed one said, “It shouldn’t take long. We just need to verify a few details, so let’s go.”
I picked up the duffle bag and walked out of the motel as they followed behind me. As soon as we were outside, the plainclothes put his hand underneath my jacket and grabbed my belt.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“Pardon me, but I don’t want the hassle of chasing you if you run away.”
They took me across the street to the police station. The plainclothes officer, never letting go of my belt, took me to a tiny holding cell in the back of the station. He pushed me in, locked the gate, and grinned through the bars.
“You know what? My nose is very sensitive. I know you’re a wanted man. It won’t take long to verify that.”
I could not sit on the dirty cement floor, so I stood there next to the iron bars. I heard people bustling about, but he did not return. Not knowing what else to do, I squatted on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs. I put my head down and let my mind wander. Ah, it was time to end my long journey. I’d been arrested.
There was more noise from outside, and the plainclothes officer came back. This time he did not say a thing as he took me out of the holding cell and began putting a pair of handcuffs on me. I was determined to do everything I could until the end, so I pushed him away as I yelled, “What are you doing? Do you arrest innocent people? Is that what you do here?”
“Asshole, wanna die now?”
He struck my belly, and all of sud
den I could not breathe or even stand. I bent over and collapsed, and he put the handcuffs on me and pulled me up by the neck.
“Bastard, don’t be such a crybaby.”
I had been in a room with no windows, so I did not realize that it was already light outside. A van from the main police station was waiting for me. I was taken to an interrogation room, where the plainclothes officer handed me over to another officer. But he did not leave the room; instead he took a seat where he could observe me. The new officer was a stocky man with short hair wearing dark green fatigues. He talked to me as he flipped through the paperwork.
“Name?”
“Jang Myung Goo.”
“Listen to this bastard!”
The plainclothes, who was sitting across from me, sprang up from his chair and kicked me. I tumbled over backward in my chair.
“You still wanna do that, huh? You really wanna do that?”
The dark green fatigues gazed down at me, then told the plainclothes, “I am too tired to humor this guy. Bring in the other bastard.”
The plainclothes left the room. The fatigues took out a cigarette and slowly tapped it on the armrest before he lit up.
The Old Garden Page 25