Walking over to one of the large chocolate leather couches; she plopped down and sank in. She wasn’t much in the mood for talking, and Brian seemed to sense that. She simply wanted to be left to mull over what had just transpired at the restaurant. Sarah was a planner. She had a very detailed sense of where her life was going at all times. She even created contingency plans for practically every plausible circumstance. And yet, the possibility of divorce had never crossed her mind. She was more of a ‘til-death-do-we-part kind of gal. She took the vows and meant them. She came from a long line of family that had done the same. In her family, people married once and were only single if their spouse had passed away. Her mother was a prime example.
Sarah had been away at school when her father suffered his terrible fate. He had been on a ladder, cleaning the gutters. It was the last of the tasks on the honey-do-list her mother had created for him. He was going to surprise her by accomplishing everything in one day so that they could go away for the weekend. Her mother was surprised, of course. She pulled in the driveway with groceries, went calling for him to come help her bring them in, and was shocked to see him spread eagle in the backyard with the ladder on top of him.
Her mother gained very little comfort in knowing that every aspect of his final day on earth was spent making her happy. She hadn’t loved anyone since. Instead she devoted her life to her only child, which meant that Sarah, always a student of example, had learned to also reciprocate that relationship.
Last year she turned down any professorship that would take her more than a three-hour radius from home. Instead, she found a position here, at a major university, one that she had graduated from several years prior with her bachelor’s degree. She rented a big old farmhouse with lots of yard and occupied herself with flowers, herbs, and vegetables. She read everything she could get her hands on because she loved literature and could find no better way to make the long winters pass. And she spent as much time as possible with the love of her life: Chloe. She really was content with that.
How could she have forgotten to make a Plan B? Oh well. She had time now. The fire started crackling and Sarah jumped.
“I usually start a fire in the evening,” Brian explained. “It still gets cold at night. As you can imagine, heating this place is a bear.” He motioned to the log-beamed cathedral ceiling throughout the mill.
“I was just lost in thought for a moment.” She stretched and forced herself to sit up straighter on the couch.
“What’s that?” Brain asked, pointing to her left hand.
She glanced down and found the twenty-dollar bill was still clenched in her fist. “Oh,” she smiled weakly, “this is actually yours.” She gave an edited account of what happened and passed him the money. She looked as though she might sink into the sofa and disappear once more, so Brian stopped her.
“Wait, before you get too comfortable. Let’s get you changed and throw your clothes into the washer. You can have my room tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He walked towards his bedroom door.
“I can’t take your bed. I think I’ve effectively proven I’ll be more than comfortable out here,” she argued. “And I thought this was a two bedroom.”
“It is. The second bedroom is my office.” He rummaged around in his drawers and pulled out a pair of boxers. They had bright yellow smiley faces all over them. He walked over to his closet, found a long white t-shirt and handed the set over to her. “Will this do for tonight?”
“Yes,” she said, biting her lip to keep from smiling over the boxers. She knew every time she saw him from now on she would be wondering if he were wearing these. Somehow she couldn’t picture it.
“They were a gag gift from my mother,” he explained then added, “and I never wear them.” He walked out the door, shutting it behind him so that she could undress.
When she was changed, comfortable, and her clothes were in the washer, she glanced at the clock and decided to call her mother. “Mind if I use your phone?” She asked, even while reaching for it.
He smiled. “I’ll give you some privacy,” Brian said as he walked into his study.
The phone rang three times before it was picked up. “Were you asleep on the couch again?” Sarah asked, picturing her mother all worn out from Chloe.
“Just resting my eyes,” her mother mumbled. “Don’t worry; I’ll drop her off at school on time.”
“I’m not worried, mom. I know you will. I just wanted to let you know I’m staying at a friend’s house tonight in case you need me.” She gave the number.
“Which friend?” Her mother asked in a mixture of curiosity and concern. “Why aren’t you with Josh at home?”
“It’s a long story. Can we talk tomorrow?” And before she truly gave her mother an opportunity to respond, she had said her goodbyes.
After she hung up, Sarah called to Brian. “It’s safe to come out now. I’m done.” He wheeled over to the doorway and peeked his head out. She giggled. “Nice chair.”
“Best part of having hardwood floors.” He spun the chair around once, and then wheeled back into his study, emerging a moment later on foot. Plopping down on the sofa beside her he asked, “So, do you want to talk or just be left alone?” Sarah tucked her legs under her and began to answer his question when he reached out, brushed the hair away from her cheek, and pushed it behind her ear. She froze at such an incredibly intimate act.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I couldn’t see your face.” And he tucked his hands in his lap so he wouldn’t be tempted to reach out to her again.
She gave him a quizzical look and said slowly, “I don’t know what there is to talk about. I’m kind of sitting here trying to imagine what to do now. No one in my family has ever been divorced.”
“Wow,” Brian said, genuinely surprised, “Hardly anyone in my family is married.” Sarah looked at him in shock. “Let me explain. My parents were these flower children, had me very young. They were really only kids themselves, but they never married. They like to say they’ve mated for life. And somehow they just never saw the need to make it official. Everyone else, all my other relatives, seem to have married badly or again, not at all.” He finished in a way that suggested he didn’t quite know what else to say. He shrugged.
Sarah digested that for a moment. “Well, you’re over thirty now, right?” He nodded. “So what stance do you take on this whole marriage deal?” She wasn’t sure why she was suddenly so interested in his views on the subject, but it was better than focusing on her own fate.
He tilted his head as he pondered how to skirt such a delicate subject. “I don’t know. Let’s just say that it has never been put to the test.”
“You must have had girlfriends?” She stared at him and he made a slight nod. “I mean, I know we’re in Vermont, and not that I care, but you never struck me as being interested in men.” She spoke the words like a statement, but intended their meaning to be taken as a question.
Brian smiled widely. “No, I prefer women. I just haven’t been in a relationship with anyone I would ever consider ‘mating for life’ with.”
“Hmm,” she murmured, covering a yawn. The emotions of the day had completely drained her, leaving her utterly exhausted.
“I saw that. You need some sleep.” He grabbed her hands, pulled her to her feet, and walked her into the bedroom. He pulled back the covers, watched her climb into bed, and tucked her in. She gave him a weak smile, her eyes already closing involuntarily. He watched her for a moment, gave in to impulse and leaned over her to plant a kiss on her forehead.
Sarah stirred some. “You’re a good friend, Brian,” she mumbled then rolled over and fell asleep.
A good friend. The words stung. His heart ached for her, for what he saw and felt. Sarah deserved to be loved and cherished. And he longed to be the man who gave her what she deserved. After staring at her sleeping form a moment more, he tore himself away and went to sleep on the cool leather couch.
They barely spoke at the college that day. Sarah was
preoccupied with what she would find once she made it home. But nothing could have prepared her for her arrival. She pulled up the curvy, pebbled drive to her farmhouse and saw not one, but two cars parked there.
Chloe would be home from school in an hour, so she assumed that this would be Josh and a friend to help him move. Instead she was only partially correct. Josh was there, but the other vehicle apparently belonged to Tessa. Sarah froze in the foyer when she saw them both sitting on the couch watching TV. Apparently now that the secret had been revealed, Josh no longer felt compelled to hide his relationship from Sarah, and had taken to flaunting it instead. They glanced up at her. Though she did her best to appear calm, Tessa looked like a frightened rabbit, like a frightened baby rabbit. She couldn’t be more than nineteen.
“What are you doing here?” Sarah asked angrily, hands clenched at her sides.
Josh lazily looked up again, as though trying to make a point in front of his little nymphet. He stretched and threw an arm around Tessa. “I live here,” he said simply.
Sarah spoke only two words. “Kitchen. Now.” She marched through the foyer into the massive kitchen, found the farthest corner of the room and braced herself against the counter.
Josh took his time in meeting her. Just as he reached the kitchen, Tessa called from the foyer. “I’ll come back later, Josh.” It was obvious that she was trying to sound cheerful and self-assured, but Sarah saw through her immediately.
She stormed past Josh, and met Tessa at the front door. “No, you won’t,” she said determinedly. Tessa opened her mouth about to protest, but Sarah put her finger up as though she were conducting a rowdy class. “You are not welcome here, and neither is he.” She jerked a thumb over her shoulder toward Josh. “You are not to darken my door again. Is that understood?” Tessa attempted to look past Sarah to seek guidance or assurance from Josh, but received neither. “I’m sorry?” Sarah was relentless. “Was I unclear? Did you not understand the question? Let me simplify it for you. Under no circumstances are you to ever be in my house again. Not in my presence, not in my absence. Now are we clear?”
Tessa’s eyes were watering, threatening to spill over. She sniffled once, loudly, and nodded. “I...”
With a wave, Sarah dismissed her. “Good, now go.” And Tessa scampered out the door while Sarah brusquely shut it behind her. She brushed her hands off as though they were dirty. Turning, she looked at Josh, still full of fury and wrath. “Well, I guess we can have our little talk right here then can’t we?”
He looked almost bored. He had seen Sarah angry on more than one occasion, each time at him. He smirked and said, “Okay. You made your point. I won’t invite her over.” Josh spun on his heels and walked into the living room, plunked down onto the couch, and grabbed the remote, determined to watch some television.
“Wait,” she began. “I’m confused. Why are you still here?”
He glanced at her as though she were an imbecile. “I live here,” he said slowly.
“Oh, no. No you don’t. See, you used to live here, but then you tried to play hide ol’ one eye with Tessa and forfeited that right. Now you need to find some other place to live, some other fool to take you in. We are through.” She put special emphasis on the last three words.
“I don’t have anywhere else to go. If you give me six months...”
“Six months!” Sarah roared. “I’ve given you nine years, the last seven of which were often torture. If you hadn’t been an idiot, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”
“No, listen. Six months and I will have my own place.”
“Go live with Tessa,” she said resolutely.
“Tessa still lives with her parents.”
“Then go beg your future in-laws. I’m sure a thirty-year old moderately successful man eager to create another illegitimate grandchild with their daughter will make a fabulous first impression. I’m sure they’ll take you right in.” She plunked down in the chair adjacent to the couch.
He took a deep breath to express his growing impatience with having to explain his situation to her. “Tessa and her parents live in a little three bedroom trailer. They really don’t have room for me. Just give me six months. It will save you money.”
Sarah arched her eyebrow. She hadn’t considered the new expenses that would be incurred once Josh actually moved out. “How?” She queried wearily, weakening slightly.
“I will pay rent. I will help out around here. You won’t have to pay before school care costs.” He was reaching now, since he had never helped out previously.
She felt herself caving and sighed. “We would need some ground rules.”
He flexed his fingers. “Okay. Let’s discuss the rules.”
“She can’t be here. Ever. That is rule number one.” She raised her finger to count off.
Josh crossed his arms over his chest. “Then you can’t ever have a man over.”
“Oh, sure. That’s fair. Then I’ll never date.” She crossed her arms angrily over her chest.
He shrugged. “You can go out. You can get a sitter.”
Eyes narrowed, Sarah relented. “Fine. Rule number two is that you sleep in the spare room.”
He sighed. “Okay.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Did you really think I’d let you back in my bed?” He just stared at her. “Huh, I guess you did.” Sarah was flustered and nearly at a loss for words. She decided to finalize the conversation while she still had the upper hand. “Let’s agree to adjust and add rules as necessary.” She leaned over and stared at him intently. “Now let’s talk money.”
They spent the next thirty minutes whittling away at the agreements, deciding who would be responsible for which aspects of their new relationship. The discussion might have gone on longer, if Chloe hadn’t marched in the door from school and asked for a snack. Josh took that as his cue to leave for work. He gave Chloe a kiss and started to walk over to Sarah.
“Don’t even think of it,” she said with a look of utter revulsion.
“For Chloe,” he pleaded.
“I’m already doing enough for Chloe. Maybe you should have thought of her a little more, huh?” Her eyes narrowed and she turned and marched up the stairs. Seconds later the door closed and a new chapter of her life began.
Moments later the phone rang. Brian’s voice was full of concern as they spoke. “I was wondering how you were. I didn’t know if Josh had moved out or if you had even seen him...” He paused to give her a chance to fill him in.
“Well, actually, he’s not leaving,” she said quietly.
She heard a sigh of disgust on the other end of the line. “Don’t tell me you’re taking him back.”
“Okay. I’m not, but he is going to continue to live here for six months.” She explained the agreement that they had made.
Brian didn’t sound any happier after some explanation. “You can’t have men over?”
She laughed. “Don’t worry. You don’t count.”
“Excuse me? Why not?” He sounded confused and maybe even a bit offended.
“You’re my friend and colleague. That’s different.” She was feeling better than when they first began speaking.
“Oh. Yeah.” Again he was being reminded of the nature of their relationship.
The conversation seemed to drag after that and they ended the phone call. Brian is so strange sometimes, she thought. She hung up the phone on the nightstand and marched over to the closet. She wasn’t taking any chances. Josh would have no excuse to come into her room late at night. She spent the next forty-five minutes moving all of his clothes, toiletries, and personal items from what she now considered her space. Sarah moved his shower supplies into the hall bathroom, and piled all of his clothes on the bed in the spare room. She contemplated hanging them up for him, but decided he was lucky to not find them on the front lawn being treated as a mock funeral pyre in honor of the death of their marriage and left them where they were.
Late that night, after Chloe was asleep and she coul
d find no other excuses to stay up, Sarah slowly entered her bedroom. Emptying the room of any trace of Josh had given her such pleasure in the light of day, but now, as she glanced around the room seemed much lonelier, barren even. She had spent years going to bed alone. She was used to all the quiet. She had relished being able to take up all the space she wanted in bed. Yet tonight it felt different and she knew why. It was different when someone was expected later. It’s not as lonely when you know you won’t always be alone, Sarah thought. But since she didn’t know if she wouldn’t always be alone, she curled up in her bed and felt the first warm salty tears she had permitted herself to shed hit the pillow with a hollow, rhythmic plunk.
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