I narrowed my eyes. “Are you mean to everyone, or am I just an easy target?”
“I’m mean to just about everyone, but as you can see, I’m trying to be nice now,” he explained. “To you, anyway, because I can tell you hate me because of it.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “You observe well,” I sighed. I was biting my lip, and my eyes were drawn to his hard facial expression. “How are we going to make this an easy drive-by? To where I won’t hate you and to where you won’t fall in love with me?” I tapped my chin. I was still being sarcastic with him. I hadn’t known if that was a good idea. My teasing could piss him off, and that probably wouldn’t be a good thing.
“You don’t hate me, and I’d never fall in love with you,” he smirked. “You’d have to be very hot, and persuasive to be a candidate. You don’t seem to want me to fall in love with you, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
I smiled, because I noticed that he technically called me a hottie. It was probably the closest thing I’d get to a compliment from Wyatt, so I hadn’t asked to make sure that’s what he meant.
“I’m pretty sure love runs out before you can catch up with it. It did for me, anyway,” I muttered. “I’m not going to be chasing after something that isn’t there, so that shouldn’t be a problem, either.”
He swallowed hard, and his eyes drifted away from mine. I had been thankful he was the first to look away. He confirmed the nonexistence of whatever deep and engraved thoughts I had starting in my head. I was starting to hate him less, already - just from this little step.
“We should give a compliment to the other if we’re about to say something mean, or out of line. And if we say something mean or out of line, we have to give two compliments. It’s handbook on the road to being nice,” he half-shrugged. “I’ve never done this before, so consider yourself lucky.”
“You’re strange,” I grumbled.
“That’s not a very nice thing to say, Willow,” he tilted his chin at me, and his eyes were on mine again. I gulped. I was thinking this might not be easy. I was already used to insulting him.
“Your hair looks nice,” I mumbled. “All swirled, and twinkie-looking.”
“Oh, yeah? What else?” His mouth was curved at one side, and I wanted to growl at him so he’d stop doing that with his mouth.
“You smell like shit today. You should smell like shit every day, because it’d fit you.” My voice was pitched a little bit too high, and he definitely hadn’t smelt like shit.
He sighed. “You should have the word bitch tattooed on your forehead, because it’d fit you,” he squinted, and his mouth was still curved on one side. It was like he was mocking me with just the use of his mouth, and I hated that.
“Your feet are nice. All bare, and caveman-styled,” I said, briefly skimming over the feet I saw everyday that peeked out from the end of the blanket draped over him.
He looked down at my feet, as if he was insulting them with just the use of his eyes, and I hated that, too.
“New Balance really brings out your…ankles. You have nice ankles, Willow.”
I caught a breeze over my ankles as the air began to circulate, and I cursed under my breath. I was wearing high-waters. The shred of hatred that temporarily disappeared was back.
My teeth were clenched under a falsely presented smile. “Yeah, and your thighs are pretty nice, too. Like two thanksgiving hams mating.”
“You’re jealous of my juicy thighs, aren’t you?” he smiled, showing off his teeth, and I nearly vacated my entire body from air.
I coughed, the inside of my elbow pressed to my lips. “I prefer clean-cut,” I replied, my voice muffled.
There was a long pause, and awkwardly, we just stared at each other for a while.
My lips were parted, and his were parted, too.
Chuckles caught in both of our throats, but then we laughed for a short moment in unison - like we both realized at the same time that we could never genuinely compliment one another.
“This could be simple,” he sighed. “Or you could just get me my breakfast and my two cartons of orange juice, like you do every morning around this time of day. What do you think?”
“I think I should get you that stick you asked for a few days ago, and shove it up your-”
“Ass? You were going to say ass, weren’t you?” he shook his head, amused.
I had let out an obnoxious laugh. “No, your cast, remember? You wouldn’t want two sticks up your ass, now would you?”
A deep laugh vibrated through his chest, but his mouth remained closed until he said something in response. “Touché, Willow. Touché.”
5:02p.m.
“You look like you’ve had a… decent day, Willow,” Caitlyn studied me. “What makes today different from the rest?”
I hadn’t known what she meant, so I told her, “I don’t know what you mean.”
It was after five o’clock in the afternoon and Annette had just finished her homework. She was sitting at the buffet counter on a stool, now, eating Craft macaroni and cheese. Caitlyn came from her room, and sauntered over to the couch where I was, and sat down. Our thighs touched, and she was staring at the side of my face as I stared at a commercial on the television.
“You look like you might be infatuated, or something. As ridiculous as it sounds,” she whispered. “Do you have a crush on someone?”
I crinkled my nose as I looked at her from the corner of my eye. “Work wasn’t too bad today. My upbringing has nothing to do with the opposite sex; only a dumbass would have a crush. I’m a smart-ass, Caitlyn. I can’t hide the fact that I’m a little insulted by your assumption,” I scoffed.
“So what does that mean?” her eyes widened. “You already found in a new booty-call?”
“I’m not a whore, asshole.”
She giggle-snorted. “We all need sex, though, Willow. Especially us, because we know what it feels like.”
I was pretty sure I glared at her. “My eight-year-old daughter is currently in the kitchen eating macaroni and cheese,” I hissed under my breath, “and sex is the last thing I want to be discussing right now.”
She rested her head on my shoulder, and sighed. “I’m glad you and Zane are no longer, don’t get me wrong. I just can’t help but think there’s a reason behind it. A person behind it,” she whispered.
I patted the back of her head like a dog three times, and then roughly slapped my palm to my thigh. “There isn’t a person behind it, Caitlyn,” I confirmed.
“Okay, fine. How was your day, then?” she offered.
I sighed dramatically. “The nemesis patient made an effort to apologize for his atrocious behavior this morning,” I shrugged. “It threw me off guard, but I still hate him. He’s trying to be less needy, though, and that’s a relief.”
Her eyes were eating at me, and I couldn’t allow myself to turn, and make eye contact with her. I just watched the television, even though I wasn’t paying attention to whatever was on the screen.
“You’re not going to like my opinion on what you just said to me,” she muttered.
“Just get it over with, Caitlyn,” I exhaled.
She turned my face towards hers, and squeezed one of my hands at the same time. It made me feel overwhelmed when she’d get all intense - when she proved how much she really cared about me.
“You’re so damn afraid of life, and the changing of its course. You tell me you hate this guy you're caring for at the hospital, but you don’t, Willow. You don’t hate anyone, and that only makes me think one thing. You’re scared of this guy, and it’s the fear that you hate, not the person that causes it,” she said. Her voice was sharp. I felt it slice through me with every word that parted from her mouth, and I flinched.
“He’s rude, and he doesn’t smile.”
He smiled today. I’d never forget that smile, either, and I hated that.
“I know you, and you’re not capable of hating a person. You’re a goddamn nurse for crying out loud, Willow.” She was being ste
rn, but in the quietest way, because Annette was watching the television from the kitchen. Annette saw what was on the television, but I just saw what my future would be once I had no one else to love me. I thought about how Annette would grow up, and have a husband one day, and how she might have kids of her own, too. Caitlyn loved Brian, and would eventually find a way to be with him, I figured, and I wanted her to be happy. I just hadn’t known what would happen to me once it was already done. I had lost my forever, and the only greatness I had left would diminish one day.
Caitlyn was right. I was afraid of something that was supposed to be natural: my own life.
“I’m reaching the dark side,” I groaned. “Help me to retreat. Quick,” I urged.
She knowingly hit me on the back of the head with her palm, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I released a deep sigh. “That helped, thank you,” I whispered.
She hugged me across the shoulders then, and her head rested on my shoulder. My cheek pressed to the top of her head, and we both sighed together. Our breaths were noticeable, and we felt it.
We exchanged I love you’s.
Annette soon joined us on the couch after washing her hands, and we watched a comedy movie before crashing in a heap, only tangled in each other.
May 26th, 1997, 12:04p.m.
Willow
Chemistry was the only class Kennedy and I had together, and it wasn’t until the end of the day. It was our last class, and I spent most of my time during the day waiting for chemistry class to hurry up and start. I hadn’t had the same lunch as Kennedy, which I hated. He would be my shield, and I needed that.
I was eating lunch, now, and sitting at the small table in the cafeteria. It wasn’t the one near the trash cans, but it wasn’t one of the “cool” tables either. I was sitting alone, and I was used to flying under everyone’s attention until today. I felt eyes on me today, and it was odd. I was afraid I had been hallucinating when Calvin Steelton, one of the known football players that attended my high school, came trotting over to my table like he’d been doing it since the beginning of time.
“Hey,” he smiled. It was a very different smile from Kennedy’s.
His tray made a clacking sound against the table, and it made me jump a little in my seat. He sat down across from me, swinging his legs under the table. His foot brushed the tip of mine, and I could tell it hadn’t been an accident.
“Hey,” I mumbled. One of my eyebrows hitched from under my bangs, and I studied him. I pushed my feet backward and away from his, so he wouldn’t try to play footsies with me again. I was mentally preparing myself for public humiliation, because this guy was a popular guy, and I was obviously not a popular girl.
“Why are you sitting here all alone?” he asked me. He then took a bite out of his soft taco, being careful not to make a mess.
Today was taco day, and I wasn’t about to put a taco in my mouth with this boy sitting directly in front of me. I pushed my tray an inch forward, and sighed. His green eyes, his longish blond hair, and his built physique were all up in my personal space. It was a bit intimidating. I counted to three in my head before answering him.
“My only friend doesn’t have this lunch, and I don’t feel like putting effort into making new friends my senior year of high school. Seems kind of pointless.”
I said too much at one time, but he got the full answer to his question. I figured he could leave, now.
“Kennedy, right? Is he your boyfriend?”
He was instigating. I wanted to tell him to mind his own business, but that would only make him want to keep bothering me.
“Just a friend,” I answered crisply. I sipped my juice, and he took another bite out of his taco.
Keeping it casual. I felt my nerves arise.
He cleared his throat. “You’re way too pretty to be sitting here all alone. If I were Kennedy, I’d find a way to keep you company at all times.”
He took another bite out of his taco, and my breathing hitched noticeably. This hadn’t made any sense.
“Calvin,” I sighed, “what do you want?”
I decided to be straight forward with the guy, because this was extremely unusual. I hadn’t known what he wanted from me.
“You should eat,” he said. “Lunch will be over soon, and I’d hate to be the reason you didn’t eat anything.”
I bit my bottom lip in thought. He hadn’t answered my question. He was acting like he cared about me, yet this was the first time I’d ever caught his attention. After all the years we’d been in the same space.
“If you would answer my question, maybe I’d feel more comfortable eating in front of you,” I replied.
He was staring at my lips as I talked, and that only made me more uncomfortable. I’d never received this kind of attention before.
“I would really, really, really like to take you out sometime. That’s what I want, Willow,” he responded.
His eyes flicked to meet mine, and he tipped his carton back. He was even too cool for milk mustaches. I hadn’t thought I could handle him. It also surprised me that he’d known my name.
“Do you really think that’d be a good thing?” Both of my eyebrows were lifted, and I couldn’t believe what was happening.
“It would be a great thing, actually,” he answered immediately. He pushed my tray closer to me. “Seriously, you should eat. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me.”
I hadn’t known how he sensed all of my malfunctions when it came to his presence. I liked looking at him, but I hadn’t known if I was stable enough to endure him being so close, and interacting with me. It was like talking to a very hot alien.
“Did you lose a bet?” I mumbled in question. My eyes were narrowed in confusion, and he looked like he was bothered by my reaction.
He shook his head, and then swiftly swiped his tongue over his upper lip. “Apparently you don’t realize how much of a prize you are, and that’s a shame,” he said, “Also, I’m not a loser. But I would be if you said no to me right now.”
I couldn’t just come out and say that my best friend was the only person I could love, though Kennedy and I could never be a couple. I also hadn’t known if Calvin Steelton was who I should be playing in the field with, or considering past bases. We had gone to the same school since elementary, but we’d never talked up until this moment. I hadn’t trusted him, and if I was ever going to trust anyone who wasn’t Kennedy, I’d have to put myself out there and give other people a chance. Was Calvin the one I should be giving a chance to? I hadn’t known, but I did know that everyone went into this kind of thing blindly.
“What would I get out of it?” I asked him. I picked my taco up, and took a bite at that time. I wiped my mouth with my napkin.
He cleared his throat again, giving me chill bumps that prickled over the tops of my arms.
“You’d get me, and all of me. How’s that sound?”
He was cocky, but in a different way from Kennedy. He was looking at me like I was his prey, and his accomplishment would be to eat me in one bite.
“It sounds like you’re lying to me,” I answered honestly. I was being stereotypical, but I had a right due to his behavior. He was sending me a very strong vibe, and it smelt like one-hundred-percent arrogant jock. I hadn’t expected to be okay with that.
“I thought you had a boyfriend for all these years because you were always with that guy, but here you are. All alone, and obviously single. I’ve wanted to be that guy for all those years, Willow. I couldn’t be more truthful.”
He was equipped with swooning words, and I guessed I hadn’t been invisible to people that weren’t Kennedy after all. Was he simply dared to approach me like this if it wasn’t a bet? I couldn’t convince myself that Calvin Steelton was interested in me.
“Why would you want to be Kennedy?” I was a questioning machine. He had flipped the switch. He had me more curious than I’d ever been.
“That’s easy,” he smiled. “Attention. He has all of yours, and it made me envy every
thing about him. I want to be the one who makes you smile, but he’s always been that guy. Even if it’s just for one day, let me be that guy for one day.”
He might have been a poet, too. That part about him I really liked, and a little bit too much.
“See? I want to do that more often,” he grinned.
I had been smiling like an idiot because I liked the way he talked to me. I hadn’t wanted him to stop talking to me, now, and I hadn’t wanted lunch to end.
The bell did ring eventually, but neither of us stood up when everyone else did.
“I’ll walk you to class,” he told me.
His hand rested on the small of my back, and he guided me in many directions through many places - I hadn’t wanted to stop traveling. I hadn’t wanted him to stop walking me to class, either.
August 25th, 2006, 8:07a.m.
Willow
I saw the back of Annette’s substitute teacher’s head this morning, and I lived up to my motherly talk-through, and threw something at him. Unfortunately, I missed his head by a millimeter. I hadn’t been too shy - at least I tried. I also realized I needed that balled-up receipt for something. I wouldn’t be getting it back, though. The sacrifice had already been made.
Last night’s homework was the last straw, and I decided I needed to confront the man or woman responsible for this. Annette was missing out on being a kid, because she was just too superb to play hooky, or to let her mom do her homework for her…or to just not do the homework at all. She was a good student for a teacher that hadn’t deserved her.
“Go sit, sweetie. I’m going to chat with Mr. Substitute,” I told Annette, and she nodded.
She smiled at me before walking off, because she knew that I sometimes got uneasy around masses of strangers. I was doing this for her, and she knew that. I was also doing this for me, too. I enjoyed going to the park with my daughter.
There were a lot of people in this elementary school, too many. I wasn’t going to let that get to me this time. My eyes clicked to the substitute as he turned fully around to face me, and I sighed.
Our Last Time: A Novel Page 7