by Bladen, Ceri
“And me.” She whispered almost to herself as she watched him turn and walk towards his friends, pints in his hands.
“Here you are boys, drink up. I’ll go and get the rest.” Tom turned back towards the bar just as the pub’s door swung open.
Mr Dai Davies, the local greengrocer, stood in the door way, red faced, eyes adjusting to the lights, searching for something. His eyes zeroed in on Tom as he strode towards him.
Tom gave a perplexed smile when he noticed it was him that Mr Davies was making a bee line towards. “Hi Mr Davies…” Tom didn’t have enough time for the rest of the sentence as he was grabbed by the smaller man, his anger and surprise giving him the distinct advantage. Pints went flying as tables and people sprang up.
“…why this is where you are hiding, you worthless son of a bitch!” Dai spat the words out, as close to Tom’s face that his height would allow.
Tom grabbed Dai’s hands which were gripping his clothes. He certainly didn’t want a punch off this man, the anger coming off him was making the smaller man shake. Tom had no idea what was going on, so he tried to calm the situation down. From the corners of his eyes, he saw his friends circle around them and he heard the shout from Willow’s father, to take it outside. Tom wanted to sort out any trouble without fists, he had his fair share of fights when he was younger, but it wasn’t something he desired now. “Hey now Dai, calm down. Let’s sit down and discuss what’s wrong.”
Dai looked around at all the faces and released his grip slightly, colour bleeding back into his knuckles that were previously white. He wasn’t ready to entirely settle down though. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what’s wrong!”
Tom was relieved when the older man released him, but he had the feeling he wasn’t out of the woods quite yet. Tom shook his head slowly, frantically searching his brain, “No…” He took a step back when Dai lunged for him again.
“My Sarah!”
Tom felt his stomach lurch to the floor, he did know Dai’s daughter, he had courted her for nearly two years.
“My Sarah – you have got her pregnant!” Dai shouted for all to hear.
Tom glanced quickly at Willow’s stunned face, as he rolled back on his heels, his world crashing down around him.
~~~~
Evan’s large hand came pounding down on the wooden table making everyone around it jump. The whole family had been called for a chat, usually when that happened they all knew there was trouble. “How could you be so stupid boy!” he boomed, his voice filling the room with its emotion. “Haven’t you heard of protection!”
Anne hid her mouth under her hand, immaturity and nervousness had her trying to stifle her giggle. Her brother, Sam looked white, hoping no attention would be brought to him, he hadn’t even had his first kiss yet!
“Of course I have!” Tom raised his voice too, but then tempered it, getting angry wasn’t going to change the fact that he had got Sarah Davies pregnant. “I am always careful, something must have gone wrong.”
“You don’t say,” Evan took a steadying breath. He was extremely angry at his son. Evan had hoped his son would find someone to love and marry, not be forced into it by an angry father. He exhaled the breath and shook his head, but if Tom says he was careful not to get her pregnant, there wasn’t much they could do, he was nearly thirty after all.
Meg placed a pot of tea into the middle of the wooden table, then she placed a gentle hand on her husband’s arm, upset at the stress on Evan’s face. Even though she had been disappointed at the news as, she too, had secretly hoped he would fall in love and marry, Megan was also wise enough to know that life didn’t always work out the way you wanted it. Tom had been seeing Sarah for a while and she was liked by the family, but it hadn’t lasted. Like it or not, there was a grandchild on its way, and Meg knew they would all love it once it arrived. Now they needed to work out what they were going to do, as a family. “Tom, what do you want to do?”
He looked at his mother, defeat in his eyes. He knew what he wanted to do, he wanted to make a go at a relationship with Willow. But he knew what he needed to do, to go and chat to Sarah. “Mam, Dad, everyone, I need to talk to Sarah and we will decided together what is to be done.” He got up, his shoulders stooped slightly, the weight of the world on them. “I’m not sure when I will be back.”
~~~~
Tom pulled the front door closed behind him and finished buttoning up his coat before heaving a big sigh. After hours of discussions, heated at times, Sarah’s and her mother’s tears, everything was now sorted. He ran his fingers through his rumpled black hair. Only one more thing to do and he wasn’t going to like it one little bit.
~~~~
Willow was busy wiping the bar down lost in her own thoughts. She was trying to get a handle on how she felt about the scene last night. She hadn’t had chance to see Tom to ask him if Sarah’s father was right and he hadn’t been in this evening, which didn’t bode well either. Continuing her scrubbing, she ignored her father’s remark about rubbing the varnish off the bar. Her heart beat faster in anxiety. What did it mean to their fledgling relationship if Sarah was pregnant? She moved a mat and continued wiping up spills. But they didn’t have a relationship did they? A couple of kisses and a night of passion did not equal a relationship. She squeezed her eyes tight as her heart constricted in her chest. But she did want a relationship with Tom, she loved him. She threw the cloth down in anger, she had done it again, she had gone and let her heart get trodden on once more.
David had been quietly observing his daughter all night and he was unsettled about what he was seeing, she looked pale and in pain even. He had asked Willow if there was a problem but she denied any. He sighed, hating feeling helpless, there wasn’t much he could do until he knew what was upsetting her. He really wished that his wife hadn’t chosen this week to go and see her sister as she was needed to have a word with their daughter. He was ashamed to say that he didn’t have a clue what might have upset her, he knew very little of what she did outside the pub. Over the years of living with two women, David had learned that it was sometimes best to leave things lie, they would talk when they needed to. He just hoped it was soon.
Tom shook the raindrops off his coat and pushed open the Red Lion door, glad to see that most of the customers had already left, due to the late hour. After last night, he really didn’t need a scene again - it had already been one very long day. As he walked towards the bar, he saw Willow throw down the cloth she was holding, annoyance dancing in her eyes. Hesitating a fraction, he wondered whether this was the right time to talk to her. He pushed himself forward as he knew what he had to do. Eyes straight, he continued walking to the bar, ignoring all of the nudging and pointing that was going on around him from the people still left.
“Hello, Mr Dawkins, would it be possible to have a quick word with your daughter?” Tom asked out of politeness. He turned towards Willow and caught the cautious look in her narrowed eyes. Tom released his breath, well at least he couldn’t detect any anger. He was not looking forward to this talk with Willow, it was crushing him.
David looked back and forth between Willow and Tom, confusion crossing his brow. What was going on? What did his daughter need to chat with Tom Dillwyn about? Perhaps it was just about what went on last night. Still he felt uneasy. “Willow?” he asked cautiously.
“It’s okay Dad. Tom come through to the back.” She lifted the bar so he could get through and made her way to the back, Tom following close behind. When she had seen him walk in, hope had faded instantly when she had seen his guarded, sallow face. She knew she wasn’t going to like what he said. Her feet felt like lead as she made her way into the back room. Taking a calming breath she slowly turned to look at him, chin held high. There was no way he was going to see how much she was hurting on the inside.
Tom’s dulled green eyes looked pleadingly at her, willing her to understand what he needed to do. It killed him when he saw her pale slightly. “Willow…” he took a steadying breath, “Wi
llow… I know you saw and heard everything that went on in the pub last night.” He shoved his hands in his pocket, he so wanted to touch her, but knew he couldn’t - not ever again. “I have just left Sarah and her parents…”
Willow felt her knees buckle and pushed them straight, she knew what was coming, in her heart she knew Tom would never abandon Sarah. She bit the inside of her cheek trying to keep some control, not about to embarrass herself by crying in front of him. Her fingers felt for the chair beside her, her body desperately wanting to sit in it, but her pride wouldn’t let him see how devastated she was, it wouldn’t help either of them. She needed to be strong.
“… and we have decided that we are going to get married before the baby is born.” The statement came out of Tom’s mouth in a rush.
With a strength she didn’t know she possessed she forced a smile on her face. “Well congratulations. I am pleased for you both. Imagine you a father.” She had to stifle a sob, hoping her voice didn’t betray her feelings.
The first genuine smile from Tom split his face, he was going to love his child and he was sure, over time, he would get to love Sarah. His smile faded slightly, he wanted to tell Willow that he loved her, but that would be unfair on her. Willow and Sarah deserved more than that from him. Willow would never know how much this was killing him inside, but it didn’t matter, he had responsibilities now and he was damn well going to do his best. His gazed wavered over her face, noting her lip tremble slightly. “Willow…” he took a step forward.
She quickly stepped back, shooting her hand up to stop him coming closer, she knew she wouldn’t be able to bare it. “No!” She tried to control the emotion in her response. “No… I am really happy for you. I know things might have been different if this never happened, but it has…so…you need to concentrate on your new family. Forget about us, forget about me.”
Tom looked down towards the floor for strength, or was it because he felt so defeated? On a sigh, he gathered courage and looked Willow straight in the eye. “Yes, you’re right. I better go. It is too hard to be alone with you and not touch you. I promise to make sure we aren’t alone again…” He walked slowly over to the door and opened it. With his hand on the knob, he looked back over his shoulder at Willow, who was ram rod straight, “…but I’ll never forget you.” He shut the door behind him.
Willow used her arm to find the chair, as her eyes were blinded by tears and collapsed on it, her legs not able to stand for a second longer. She slowly let out the breath she had been holding inside, while she gripped the arm rest. Squeezing her eyes tight she struggled to control the pain ripping through her. On her next breath came a sob, the first spring of tears now turning into sobs. Tears for what she had lost, tears for what she never had a chance to experience, tears for her heart torn in two yet again.
Chapter 12
“Did you have a nice time in town with Emma love?” asked Willow’s mother. She still hadn’t got to the bottom of why Willow looked so pale and tired, but she would, eventually. Poor David had been at his wits end by the time she had come back from her time away, he was so worried about Willow. She looked closely at her daughter, eyes searching her face. She noticed that today, after her day out, her daughter seemed to have a glow back in her cheeks. Going out with her friend had obviously been good for her. Shirley made a mental note to have a word with David, they needed to encourage Willow to go out more to enjoy herself.
“Yes, great Mam.” She beamed remembering Emma and her routing through the sales in the clothes shops, she had quite a few bargains too. They had finished off the day of shopping with a Joe’s ice cream. Willow smiled to herself, while hanging up her coat. Her visit to the café had evoked fond childhood memories. Her Grandmother used to take her to Joe’s, every Saturday, as a treat. When she was too small to reach, Willow remembered climbing on the bench seats to look at the old photographs which hung on the walls. Fascinated by them, she loved examining the old black and white pictures of the original Italian café owner, Luigi Cascarini and his family. Her grandmother always used to tell her that he had come all the way from Italy. In her young mind, Italy seemed as far away as the moon. She was told the story of Luigi opening up cafés to serve the workers, rich roast coffee, before they went off to work. He worked long hours to make his café the best and soon he opened more, which his children helped run. Later, his eldest son Joe, ran a café in St. Helen’s Road. This was where Joe Cascarini developed an ice cream, following a secret recipe from Italy. Certainly, in Willow’s opinion; no one was able to beat the unique taste of Joe’s ice cream. Yes, she had had a wonderful day, just what she needed. Emma, her friend had been a rock for her, helping her through another heartbreak. “Let me just grab a cup of tea, then I’ll come out to help serve Mam,” she called over her shoulder while making her way into the kitchen, looking forward for a nice, soothing cup of tea.
After the initial opening rush died down, Willow sat down on one of the stools to take a break. She rolled her ankles while looking at her new shoes with a small smile playing on her lips, they were gorgeous and a bargain too. Emma was so skilful at spotting the good deals, she giggled to herself – Emma did like to shop! Willow normally only shopped when she was in desperate need of something. It felt good to feel relaxed, it had been a while.
A movement made her look towards the table Tom and his friends sat at; it was Michael standing ready to put an order in at the bar. As usual, all of the familiar lads were surrounding it. Her relaxed mood faltered as she noticed Tom, he had taken to sitting with his back to the bar. She had tried most of the night to ignore the group, it hurt too much when she spotted him. Willow moaned quietly to herself, Tom’s broad back was staring at her, his black hair gently curling around his collar. Would the yearning for him ever go away? She tore her eyes away, towards Michael, who had the same relaxed gait of his brother, as he made his way slowly over to the bar. “Evening Willow,” he turned his head towards her. “Admiring those shiny new shoes?” a cheeky smile curved his lips.
Willow could feel a blush rise as she giggled. “Yes, you caught me admiring them,” she replied as she continued to rotate her ankle, enjoying the look of them. Willow should have known Michael would notice, she had known him long enough to appreciate that although he seemed relaxed, he knew exactly what was going on around him.
“A little retail therapy always seems to put a smile on a girl’s face. Well it does for my sisters anyway.” Michael chuckled to himself as he admired the pint of bitter in his hand. “One of these pleases us men.” He used the pint to point towards his friends.
Michael’s movement drew Willows attention off her shoes and back onto Tom. Her stomach flipped again even though she could only see his broad back. She reprimanded herself again, he was off limits.
Her mind thought back to that night, it had been a month now since Sarah’s father had burst into the pub. She was mortified at the amount of tears she had shed, night after night, when she had been alone in bed. Over the lonely nights the pain had eventually dulled, only flashing up now and again when she saw him. At first, it had been excruciating when Tom came in the pub, but she had managed to hide her feelings from everyone, even her father and mother were oblivious of her torment when she had to serve him. Once in a while, Willow could feel his eyes observing her and when she allowed herself to look, he would continue to gaze at her with what looked like longing and discomfort in his eyes. It distressed her to tear her gaze away, the sickness in the pit of her stomach emerging once again. Once, while he had been looking at her, tears had sprung into her eyes, which she quickly wiped away. Since that day, Tom always sat with his back to the bar, Willow unsure if it was better or not. Michael’s voice brought her out of her memories.
“…so there will be plenty more of these tonight, it being Tom’s unofficial stag night.”
Willow was glad she was firmly sitting on the stool. “Oh, when are they getting married?” she hoped that, to Michael, she looked happy for them.
�
��In a couple of weeks, before the baby is too obvious I think. It is just a small wedding, you know, with Sarah being pregnant and all. Tom wanted to go to the registry office, but everyone is already gossiping about Sarah, so she wanted the local Church. I am sure you can fit in the back pew if you want.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Willow was trying to think of a valid excuse, she didn’t know how she would manage to watch him get married.
Michael, not realising her internal struggle, tried to be helpful. “Come on, come, everyone else will. I’m the best man too.” He tried more arm twisting. “Emma is coming, you can sit with her.”
“Okay, I will try.” Willow said to pacify him and shut the conversation down, she was hurting all over again.
Chapter 13
Willow turned restlessly in bed, fed up with the endless nights of not sleeping. She thought back to the conversation with Michael. It hurt so much to pretend to be pleased for Tom, wearing her down emotionally and physically. Even eating was just a chore at the moment, just the same as when Robert had left her. Willow’s emotions were in turmoil because she wanted to be happy for them, after all, Tom was going to be part of a family, but jealousy was tearing through her. She wanted to be with Tom.
She cursed aloud and stuck the pillow over her head in frustration. After Robert, she had promised to protect her heart. What a fine job she had done! She sighed, she had been so young when she had got together with Rob, she had never had chance to experience the strong adult emotions she felt with Tom. She would just have to learn to deal with them and try not to get entangled with love again! Die an old maid, she thought and then shivered, she didn’t want to do that either! Frustration and hurt made tears squeeze out of her eyes and wet her pillow.