The pit in my stomach opened up, and I felt it drop down fast and low. How does he do that to me? My hands started to get sweaty. My heart felt like it was on speed and the ache below burned so sweet.
“Yes Jason, please kiss me.” I begged him.
“I am only too happy to oblige ma’am.” He smiles that crooked smile of his, and then our lips met in sweet bliss. He held me up there, and I felt I could trust him, so I let go of the chains and let my hands explore his beautiful face. I took his baseball cap he was wearing backwards, and how hot does he look like that, seriously, and put it on my head. I grabbed his hair and pulled him closer to me. I want to forget, I need to forget and this here is my amnesia. His tongue strolled lightly across my parted lips, and his hands started to pull the swing closer to him. I was going higher, getting higher off of this romantic euphoria. I wrapped my legs around his waist and hoisted myself up on him. Quickly his muscular arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly to him. I need this, but only so far.
“I need to know everything about you.” He breathes into me.
“What do you want me to say? I need to know about you too.” I whisper against his breath.
“Right now, just let me look at you, and you just stay as beautiful as you are.” He says, as he lowers us onto a bench, having me perched in his lap. He takes his hands and cradles and caresses my face. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks and I looked down. He takes his baseball cap off me and puts it back on him. Backwards…. Yummy.
“Don’t do that. Don’t you ever do that.” Jason’s angling his brows at me. His eyes commanded mine on his. I looked up and stared back at him.
“What?” I wonder, feebly.
“Don’t ever be embarrassed. You’re the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Own it. Don’t ever look down on yourself again.” Jason clenched his jaw, lightly scolding me.
“OK,” my stare not daring to waver from his. His hands firmly on both sides of my face, he kissed me with his eyes open and it was the most surreal experience I have ever had. It’s like he saw me for who I am and he is daring me to be what I could be.
“There are words I never seem to be able to find, but it’s like you make me want to search for them.” Jason pulls away and looking off into the sky.
“Huh?” I am utterly confused.
“I don’t open up to people, and I want you to know me. You know everyone thinks certain things about me – they think they all know who I am but there is more there – or at least the potential to be. And it took you to let me see that.” Jason takes his hat back off and puts it aside. He brushed his fingers deep into my hair and it was so soothing. “Jason Grimes, MVP Quarterback. Jason Grimes man-whore. Jason Grimes, rich boy. Jason Grimes- baseball player. Jason Grimes – cool kid on campus. It’s all just crap. Did you know that I’m never good enough and according to my daddy I’m just a huge disappointment? I am a mistake that should never have happened.” Jason gives me this pitiful half laugh that shatters my heart. “It’s like I’ve been on this self-destructive path for the thrill of it, because even though I’ve accomplished so much it’s not good enough so why bother being great when no one is there to share the pride with you? And what good is it to be on top when you’re just going to e pushed off? But I’m holding back all these things I want to tell you, and I’m loving falling in love with what I want to tell you – what I want to become with you – and that is a fall worth taking over and over again.”
“Jason…” I started, making him, no commanding him to look at me. “That was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever told me. Tell me everything. I want to know, and I want to share the pride you deserve.”
“I’m never enough for my old man, and now I’m done trying to live up to this impossible expectation he wants from me. I hate that my family has money because everyone wants a hand out and expects it from me – but if I ask for anything, a minute of someone’s time, no one is there. Everyone is around for the parties but no one is there for support, for sorrows. As an example – when I dated Harper it was always what I could do for Harper. How could I make Harper Kelly happy? What could I buy Harper Kelly? It was exhausting. Not once did she tell me she loved me, but sure as shit I had to show her and shower her with everything from affection to presents. Do you know what it is like to try to find love from a brick wall? That’s what it was. Sure the sex was OK, but that’s a drop in the bucket. It’s disgusting.”
“Jason don’t swear. And please refrain for the details of your previous sex life, I don’t need to know those things.” I plead him with my eyes.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. That is an unbecoming subject for us. Anyways, that’s what it was like – dating a brick wall. But you – when I first saw you, I mean truly saw you, I knew that there is more to life than just stupid, silly accolades. I knew that love exists, and that just turns me on physically and emotionally and I can’t get you outta my head. But the best part is – and I’ve told you this before – you make me want to be the man that you deserve. I want to shower you with gifts and kisses, and I’ll be damned if you try to stop me. And for the record, you are what I am the most proud of.”
“You’re amazing. And you deserve better than me. I’m one messed up girl Jason, and sometimes I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I look to the sky, I had to say it, just to put it all out there – since we’re finally being open with each other.
“I know you think that…” he starts, but I interrupted him before he could finish his thought.
“No Jason, I’m not going to sugar coat it. I’m royally messed up. I’m not quite right and I have panic attacks and nightmares. I know you had to have heard rumors, and some of them aren’t far off base. And this is extremely hard for me to talk about but I think you need to know exactly who I am.” I point my finger right into his chest. He needs to know he is playing with fire.
“The night of Harper’s party, when she kissed you I ran away. You know that. But what you didn’t know is it triggered so much for me and I was just about to kill myself. Shane saved me, he stopped me. Sex is a big deal for me, and you know that – and you have half of an idea why. What it really is – is that was something taken from me in such a brutal fashion that spiritually and emotionally I need my first willing time to be with someone I love. And I have a great relationship with God now; and he is , always has been and always will be my shining light in my darkness. He was my Hope with my lights were low. You see, I was held captive in my own basement and he took things from me that I can never get back. He barely fed me – and that’s just the beginning of it. I was in hell, I lived it and that is why and how I know that God is real. People make fun of me for my faith, but honestly it’s them I feel sorry for because they are the ones who are blind and are facing damnation. I pray for them. I’m not perfect, and I’m not one to idolize. I’m a handful, and sometimes unbearable, and I think you deserve a person who isn’t so messed up. You deserve more than me.” I sighed, knowing this is true and he should know this before he made a mistake he would regret. The stars around us were falling, much like the relationship between us.
“You’re right. It’ll be hard for someone to deal with a person with such a horrific past. But princess you’re so much more than just your past.” Jason started to ball his fists again and I can feel the anger in him. The vein by his eye started to bulge. I put a hand over his heart and he started to calm down. “But you’re wrong. You’re more than what I deserve. And for the record, I want to bash this man’s brains in. This whole subject makes me so…. Livid is even putting it lightly!” Jason ran his fingers through his hair. Gosh, he is sexy when he does that. I want to do that. And now that familiar ache is back. With a sigh he leans his forehead against mine. I know he will kiss me shortly and I need it so badly. “I have to protect you.” He sighs again, as if admitting defeat.
“What? No you don’t Jaso…” I start.
“No, baby, I have to protect you. You hold my heart and if anything ever happens to you, I
know I won’t survive.” He leans in to kiss me and whispers into our heavy breaths “Please don’t break it.”
“I don’t want to. I’d never want to.” And that’s the truth. I don’t want to hurt him, not any more than I’d ever want to hurt Shane…
Chapter 13
It was the brink of dawn shimmering up the horizon when Jason and I started to head back home. I was lucky enough to sneak back in and get ready for school. With Prom only two days away I wanted to make sure that … wait… no, Prom is tomorrow! This lack of sleep thing is really messing up my internal clock. I need to get better about this; however these sleepless nights is what I’ve been living for lately. My feelings for Jason are growing deeply, and my attraction for Shane is getting stronger as well. I miss them for every painful second they aren’t in my line of sight. I hadn’t talked to Shane in some time and I need to make time for him. I’m supposed to rehearse with him and Misty this afternoon. I’m looking forward to that. As I was getting dressed, I packed up my guitar Annalise and put my book bag together. It’s still early enough I may be able to stop off and get breakfast and coffee. I will desperately need it.
I put on a sundress and belt, tossed on my cowboy boots, some lip gloss and mascara and did something to my hair to have that messy/romantic look. I look acceptable and not like a walking zombie. I grabbed my stuff and quickly headed downstairs. I don’t want to see Jenn, at all today. I know I will have to eventually get passed this – but right now it’s too raw, too new.
I found myself at Bojangles and I got the Cajun chicken biscuit. Yum! I opted for the sweet tea instead of coffee. That should get me going for the caffeine and sugar high, right?
Pulling into the student parking lot, I noticed that Shane was here too. Wonder where he is? I parked Elsie and grabbed my book bag. Walking into the front doors, I started heading to the cafeteria where most kids hang out until first bell. Shane wasn’t in there. Confused, I started heading outside to the courtyard. He wasn’t there either. Lastly I headed out to the bleachers at the football field. I saw him perched there with his guitar, softly strumming perfect melodies and harmonies. His sweet symphony wrapped around my fragile heart and made my spirit soar. I rushed to his side, and sat next to him. He looked up at me with that cute boyish wink of his and my heart melted. Suddenly the chords changed and the song he was playing turned into something amazing. A song I knew, a song I love – and then hearing his voice sing it – brought tears to my eyes. It was Georgia on My Mind.
“Oh Shane” I whispered, as a single tear danced down my cheek. I think his version is better than the Zac Brown Band’s version. Here is my handsome best friend, in front of me singing my favorite song. My mom and Grandma Abbey always told me that my daddy would sing that song to me, so it will forever have a special place in my heart. I wish I knew what my daddy sounded like. I hadn’t seen Grandma Abbey in a while, I should go visit her.
“I was hoping you’d show up early.” Shane said, resting his arms on the curves of the guitar.
“Here I am.” I said, wiping the tears from my face. Now I’m second guessing my mascara. His loose-fitting blue jeans look so good on him. His coke-a-cola t-shirt, perfectly faded and worn is snug nicely against his masculine chest. His hat, backwards as always is sweet against his head. He’s beautiful, and perfect. He places his guitar in his case and lays it aside.
“Come sit with me.” He pats his lap to show me where he would like for me to be. Only too eager I climbed on his lap and laid my head against his shoulder. Snugly he wrapped his arms around me, and I was lost in Shane’s musk, and soft worn t-shirt. It’s a welcoming and familiar feeling being in his arms.
“Hey what color dress did you get by the way? I want my tux to match.” He says, brushing my hair with his fingers.
“Mmmm.” I mumble in response, his touch is too relaxing. “A light purple, almost like a lavender. There’s silver in there too.”
“Georgia, I love the way you feel in my arms.” Shane buried his face in my hair. I hope I smell like him for the rest of the day.
“Shane I could fall asleep just like this. And I could definitely use the beauty rest.” I mumbled in his chest.
“You may be tired, sure. But sweetheart, do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” Shane kissed my knuckles, one by one and brushed my hair out of the way so he could see my face.
“Shane I’m just your average girl next door, just a little less cool, and a little more messed up in the head.” I sighed.
“Let me show you how beautiful you are.” In one quick move, Shane had me on my back on the next bleacher down. He laid me down gently and had his knee between my thighs; his body weight supported by each of his limbs. With his right hand he caressed my face and he looked deep into my eyes. His body was glowing by the rays of the early sun. “I could just look at you for hours, and I have before time and time again. Sweetheart, you’re the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”
“Shane you’re sweet.” I smile and close my eyes.
“You don’t believe me do you? Do you know what you do to me? You drive me mad. It’s insane, and crazy… I have a hard time holding back from you.” Shane sighs, and lays his head next to mine.
“What do you mean, Shane?” I ask him, batting my lashed against the rising sun.
“What do I mean? I’ll show you what I mean.” And then our lips touched softly at first, and then it grew into intense passion that just felt so natural. His body weight was heavy against my small frame but welcoming. His hands skated over every inch of exposed skin, and I can feel his growing excitement against my burning ache.
“Did I… is that… because of me?” I tilt my hips so he would know what I was talking about.
“That is what I was trying to tell you. You do this to me.” He nibbles on my ear, and licks my neck, while our hands are clasped together.
“Mmmm” is all I could manage to get out. Suddenly my eyes shot open and I frantically turned my head “Shane I don’t…” I started before he interrupted me.
“Don’t worry. We’re not. I won’t let that happen.” Shane breathed into my ear.
I love that I don’t have to worry about my virtue with him. I don’t have to worry about anything with him. I feel secure and free even if my world is crashing down on me.
Finally when our embrace is starting to cool down a bit, I told him how pissed at Jennifer I am.
“And she compared that to what happened to me!” I scoff, throwing my free hand to my forehead. Shane lowered his head to my chest, and my heartbeat starting to get more rapid. He laughed, noticing it himself.
“That’s disgusting.” Shane shook his head. He put his hand in the backpack lying next to us. He took my hand and drew a smile heart between my thumb and forefinger. “But this isn’t. Now you can see you will have my heart forever.” Shane laughs “Or until it washes off. Then I can draw it again if you like.”
I smiled and gave him a sweet, soft kiss and sat up. “People are going to start pooling in here. I’m too tired to try to explain or dodge wandering eyes.” I said.
“Then I have an idea. Let’s ditch. Let’s just go practice.” Shane urged me, standing up and picking up his backpack.
“Seriously?” I asked him, with an eyebrow arched, pulling myself together.
“Why not? We’re only going to be young once – live it up right?” He grabbed my bookbag and held out a hand for me to take.
“I guess you’re right. Can we get a nap though? I could use one.” I begged him.
“Whatever you want sweetheart; actually I have a great idea.” Follow me back to my place.
We got up and made our way back to the student parking lot. We hustled before anyone could see us dip out. I climbed into Elsie and followed Shane back to his place. His parent’s would have been out in the field all day already so I knew we wouldn’t get caught. Shane obviously knew that too. I parked my car once we got there and Shane went into the garage. He came out with an air mattress and pillow a
nd tossed them into the truck bed. He also got some snacks for us and blankets in case we needed them. He looked like a little boy opening his presents on Christmas. It was so cute. I went ahead and let myself into the cab of the truck. Once he was done tossing who-knows-what into the truck bed, he climbed up and started the truck. He headed down to a part of his parent’s property that they don’t use for farming and parked the truck under a grand old willow tree, perfect for shade. Shane helped me out the cab and helped me up onto the air mattress in the truck bed. It was so comfy.
“I’ve kinda always wanted to do this with you. Just camp on the back of my truck bed,” Shane admits, snuggling up next to me.
“I gotta admit, it’s kinda perfect.” I started yawning and shifting to lay my head on Shane’s chest. I watched the butterflies dance in the leaves of the willow tree and before I knew it I was fast asleep, with the most peaceful of dreams I’ve had in awhile.
I awoke what must have been a few hours later to Shane strumming on the guitar “Come On Get Higher”- the Matt Nathanson song. It was just the most perfect way to wake up; Shane, sitting on the closed up tailgate, strumming his guitar looking all sexy, and that perfect voice. He is something beautiful.
I knelt up and kissed him sweetly. Then I stole his guitar and started a song of my own. The one song that just felt right to sing to him was “Breathe” by Faith Hill. While I was singing my heart out, strumming along the look on Shane’s face was one of elation. When I was done, he sighed and shoved the guitar out of my hands. He mounted himself on top of me and a smile drew up across both of our faces.
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