I watched Ma’s brow furrow in sudden concern and wondered what secrets she kept. And how heavily they weighed on her. As did mine.
‘CeCe couldn’t make it then?’ she asked me tentatively.
‘No.’
‘Have you seen her recently?’
‘I’m not at the apartment very often these days, Ma.’
‘So, you’re the “mom” who cared for Ally during her childhood?’ asked Peter.
‘Yes,’ she replied.
‘You did a wonderful job,’ he said.
‘That’s down to her, not me,’ Ma replied modestly. ‘All of my girls make me very proud.’
‘And you’re one of Ally’s famous sisters?’ Peter turned his gimlet eyes on me.
‘Yes.’
‘What’s your name?’
‘Star.’
‘And which number are you?’
‘Three.’
‘Interesting.’ He looked at me again. ‘I was number three as well. Never listened to and never heard. Yes?’
I didn’t reply.
‘Bet a lot goes on inside that head of yours, right?’ he continued. ‘It sure did in mine.’
Even if he was right, I wouldn’t tell him. So I shrugged silently instead.
‘Ally is a very special human being. We both learnt a lot from her,’ said Celia, giving me a warm smile as she changed the subject. I could tell she thought my silences meant I was struggling with Peter.
‘Yes, indeed. And now we’re to be grandparents. What a gift your sister has given us, Star,’ said Peter. ‘And this time, I’m going to be there for the little one. Life is just too damned short, isn’t it?’
The two-minute bell rang, and everyone around me drained their glasses, however full they were. We all filed back into the auditorium to take our seats. Ally had already filled me in fully by email on her discoveries in Norway. I studied Felix Halvorsen closely as he walked onto the stage, and decided that the genetic link to him had had little impact on Ally’s physical characteristics. I also noticed his rolling gait as he walked towards the piano and wondered if he was drunk. I sent up a small prayer that he wasn’t. I knew from what Ally had said earlier how much this evening meant to her and her newfound brother, Thom. I’d liked him immediately when I’d met him earlier.
As Felix lifted his fingers to the keys and then paused, I felt every member of the audience holding their breath with me. The tension was only broken as his fingers descended onto them and the opening bars of The Hero Concerto were played in public for the first time. According to the programme, just over sixty-eight years after they had been written. For the following half an hour, each one of us was treated to a performance of rarity and beauty, created by a perfect alchemy between composer and interpreter: father and son.
And as my heart took flight and soared upwards with the beautiful music, I saw a glimpse of the future. ‘Music is love in search of a voice.’ I quoted Tolstoy under my breath. Now, I had to find my voice. And also the courage to speak out with it.
The applause was deservedly tumultuous, the audience on their feet, stamping and cheering. Felix took bow after bow, beckoning his son and his daughter out of the orchestra to join him, then quietening the audience and dedicating his performance to his late father, and his children.
In this gesture, I saw living proof that it was possible to move on. And to make a change that others would eventually accept, however difficult.
As the audience began to rise from their seats, Ma touched my shoulder, saying something to me.
I nodded at her blankly, not taking in her words, and murmured that I’d see her in the foyer. And then I sat there. Alone. Thinking. As I did so, I was vaguely aware of the rest of the audience walking up the aisle past me. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar figure.
As my heart began to pound, my body stood up of its own volition and I ran through the empty auditorium to the crowd milling around the back exits. I searched desperately for another glimpse, begging the unmistakable profile to reappear to me amongst the milieu.
Pushing my way through the foyer, my legs carried me out into the freezing December air. I stood in the street, hoping for another sighting just to make sure, but I knew the figure had disappeared.
‘There you are!’ Ma said, coming up behind me. ‘We thought we’d lost you. Star? Are you all right?’
‘I . . . I think I saw him, Ma. Inside the concert hall.’
‘Saw who?’
‘Pa! I’m sure it was him.’
‘Oh chérie,’ Ma said, wrapping her arms around me as I stood there, catatonic with shock. ‘I’m so sorry. These things happen after someone we love dies. I think I see your father all the time at Atlantis . . . in his garden, on the Laser, and I keep expecting him to walk out of his study at any moment.’
‘It was him, I know it was,’ I whispered into Ma’s shoulder.
‘Then perhaps it was his spirit present in the auditorium, listening to Ally. Didn’t she play beautifully?’ Ma said as she guided me firmly along the path.
‘Yes. It was a wonderful evening, until—’
‘Try not to think about it. It will only upset you. Poor Ally thought she’d heard his voice on the telephone while she was at Atlantis. Of course, it was the answering machine. Now, there is a car ready to take us to the restaurant. Theo’s parents are already waiting inside.’
I let Ma do the talking on the drive there, still reeling from shock. Doubtless, Ma was right, and it had simply been an older man of similar build who – given he had been some distance away – my desperate heart had morphed into Pa Salt.
The restaurant was cosy and candlelit, and when Ally arrived with her twin brother, Thom, we all stood up and applauded them.
‘Is there someone missing?’ Ma looked at the empty seat at the head of the table.
‘That place is for our father,’ explained Thom in perfect English, as he sat down next to me. ‘But we doubt he’ll turn up, don’t we, Ally?’
‘Tonight, we can just about forgive him,’ she smiled. ‘When we left, he was surrounded by reporters and admirers singing his praises. He’s waited a long time for this. It’s his night.’
‘Ally forced me into giving him another chance.’ Thom turned to me. ‘And she was right. I’m so proud of him tonight. Skål!’ He clinked his glass of champagne against mine.
‘Everyone deserves another chance, don’t they?’ I whispered, almost to myself.
For the rest of the evening, I was entertained by Thom’s story of how Ally had turned up on his doorstep, and their subsequent discovery that they were twins.
‘And it’s all due to this,’ he said, reaching into his pocket, and placing a small frog on the table. ‘Everyone in the orchestra had one tonight, as a tribute to the great man himself.’
It was late by the time we left the restaurant and stood outside saying our goodbyes.
‘What time are you leaving tomorrow?’ Ally asked Ma and me as we all embraced.
‘My flight to Geneva leaves at ten o’clock, but Star’s isn’t until three,’ Ma told her.
‘Then maybe you could come and see me at the house, and we can catch up properly?’ Ally suggested. ‘You can take a taxi straight to the airport.’
‘Or I can take her,’ said Thom.
‘We’ll organise it tomorrow. Goodnight, darling Star, sleep well.’ She waved at me as she climbed into a car parked outside, and Thom followed suit.
‘See you tomorrow,’ he smiled, and they drove off.
I watched with interest as the taxi drove me up to Ally and Thom’s home the following morning. Last night, it had been too dark to see the snow-covered peaks that ringed Bergen, but now I could appreciate their Christmas-card perfection. Up and up we went, until we reached a narrow road and stopped in front of a traditional clapboard house, freshly painted in cream, with pale blue shutters.
‘Star, come in,’ Ally said, greeting me on the doorstep. I did so, and stepped into a toasty-warm entranc
e hall.
‘Ally, this is beautiful!’ I said as she led me into a bright sitting room filled with a squashy sofa and pale Scandinavian pine furniture. A grand piano sat in the huge bay window, which overlooked the lake below and the snow-capped hills beyond it.
‘What a view,’ I said. ‘It reminds me of Atlantis.’
‘Me too, but gentler somehow, as everything is here in Bergen, including its residents. Coffee or tea?’
I asked for coffee, and sat down in front of a modern glass fireplace, the logs within it burning merrily.
‘There you are.’ Ally put a cup down in front of me and sat next to me on the sofa. ‘Goodness, Star, where do we begin? There’s so much to catch up on. Thom said he’d told you most of what’s happened at this end. I want to hear about you. How’s CeCe, by the way? And more to the point, where is CeCe? I’m not used to seeing you two apart.’
‘I don’t know. She’s left London and gone away. And . . .’ I confessed, ‘it’s my fault.’
‘You’ve fallen out?’
‘Yes . . . I just . . . well, I’ve been trying to find a life of my own.’
‘And CeCe hasn’t yet?’
‘No. I feel terrible about it, Ally.’
‘Well, maybe she needs to find herself too. Something had to give – all of us sisters have worried about your relationship.’
‘Have you?’
‘Yes. And personally, I think this parting of the ways is really important for both of you. And I’m sure it will only be temporary.’
‘I hope so. I’d just like to know where she is. She was upset because I didn’t tell her about meeting my mother.’
‘You found your mother?! Wow, Star! Will you tell me about her?’
So I did, as always struggling to find the words, but with Ally prompting me, I gave her the most accurate potted version I could.
‘Goodness. And there was me thinking my journey had been complicated and traumatic,’ Ally breathed. ‘So, what about this Mouse? Are you going to give him another chance?’
‘I . . . think so.’
‘Give it a try, while you can,’ she said vehemently. ‘I know only too well that nothing lasts forever.’
‘Yes.’ I reached instinctively for her hand. ‘They need me. Both of them. Father and son.’
‘And we all want to be needed, don’t we?’ Ally passed a hand fleetingly across her burgeoning stomach. ‘I’d better call you a taxi. Thom was very disappointed he had to go into work to have a post-mortem on last night’s triumph.’ She smiled as she stood up, and went to the telephone. ‘You’ve made a fan there, that’s for sure. Do I have to tell him you’re taken?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think you do.’
At Bergen airport, as my flight was boarding, I took out my mobile. And just before we took off, I texted Mouse.
Yes please.
Back in London, I woke the next morning and saw it was nine thirty. Mouse was coming to collect me at eleven.
My stomach did a somersault and then a double backflip as I stood under the shower contemplating his arrival. And then the day and the evening that would follow. I repacked my holdall, leaving in the black dress I’d worn to the concert last night just in case, and donned the thick woollen jumper I’d treated myself to in Bergen. Adding my walking boots, I then placed two sets of clean underwear on the top, and gave a shudder as I did so.
When he knows, I might not even get as far as the car, I thought to myself as my panic began to rise.
The door buzzer rang at eleven o’clock exactly and I pressed the entry button to let him in. My heart was banging like a tom-tom as I heard the lift ascend, then the sound of his footsteps crossing the narrow corridor.
‘The door’s open,’ I called, sounding like my vocal cords were being strangled by a python.
‘Hi,’ he said and gave me a smile. He walked towards me, then stopped a few metres away. ‘Star, what’s wrong? Has something happened? You look completely terrified.’
‘I am.’
‘Why? Is it me?’
‘No . . . and yes.’ I tried to breathe, as I gathered every ounce of courage I had. ‘Can you sit down, please?’
‘Okay,’ he said and walked to the sofa. ‘Have you changed your mind? Is that what this is all about?’
‘No. I just . . . I need to tell you something.’
‘I’m all ears.’
‘The thing is . . .’ It was my turn to pace. ‘The thing is that . . .’
‘Star, whatever it is, it can’t be worse than what I told you. Please, just say it.’
I turned away from him, closed my eyes and said the words:
‘I’m . . . a virgin.’
The silence seemed to last forever as I waited for his response.
‘Right. Is that it? I mean, what you needed to tell me?’
‘Yes!’ I jumped as I felt the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder.
‘Have you ever had a relationship?’
‘No. Me and CeCe . . . we were always together. There was never the chance.’
‘I understand.’
‘Do you?’
‘Yes.’
Burning with embarrassment, I felt myself being turned around and a pair of arms enveloping me.
‘I feel so stupid,’ I muttered. ‘I’m twenty-seven and . . .’
We stood in silence for a bit, his hand gently stroking my hair.
‘Star? Can I say something?’
‘Yes.’
‘It may sound odd, but the fact that you are, for the want of a better phrase, untouched by anyone else, is a gift, not a negative. And besides, in the particular . . . “department” we’re discussing, it’s been years since I . . . Anyway, I can honestly say you’re not the only one who’s had sleepless nights about this.’
Mouse’s confessed nervousness definitely made me feel better. He pulled away and reached for my hands.
‘Star, look at me.’
I raised my eyes to his.
‘Before we go any further, you have to know that I would never, ever try to force you or put you under pressure, as long as you’ll grant the same favour to me. We have to be kind to each other, don’t we?’
‘Yes.’
‘So . . .’ He gazed down at me. ‘Shall we give this a try? Two damaged people trying to put each other back together?’
I looked out of the window at the river, flowing unstoppably forward, its progress unchecked. And felt the protective dam I’d built around my heart begin to crumble. I turned my eyes back to him and felt the love finally start to trickle out through the fissures. And hoped that one day it would become a torrent.
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Where exactly is this?’ I asked as Mouse grabbed our holdalls from the boot and a porter appeared from the front entrance to take them from us.
‘Don’t you recognise it from Flora’s description?’
I looked up at the vast grey house, warm light pouring from the windows into the darkening night. And suddenly, I did know.
‘It’s Esthwaite Hall, Flora MacNichol’s childhood home!’
‘Spot on. When I was looking for somewhere to stay up here in the Lakes, I discovered it had recently been turned into a hotel.’ Mouse kissed me on the top of my head. ‘This is where your story – and, in a way, mine – originally began. Shall we go in?’
At reception, he politely offered me a separate room, but instead, we compromised on a suite, and Mouse ordered a put-you-up bed for the sitting room and said he’d sleep in there. ‘I don’t want you to panic,’ he reassured me.
Upstairs, I put on my new black dress for dinner in the formal restaurant. I emerged from the bathroom and Mouse whistled.
‘Star, you look stunning. I’ve never seen your legs uncovered before and they’re so long and slim . . . Sorry,’ he checked himself. ‘I just want to tell you that you’re beautiful. Is that okay?’
‘It’s okay.’ I smiled.
Over dinner, Mouse explained how his former career as an
architect meant he wouldn’t have to pay anyone else to draw up the plans for the renovation works at High Weald. His vivid green eyes lit up as he spoke about taking the house into the future, and I suddenly realised that he loved it, too. Seeing the passion he must have once possessed reignited, I felt the trickle in my own heart begin to pour out like a tap turned onto full.
‘Before I forget’ – he reached into his dinner jacket and pulled out a familiar jewellery box – ‘I just got this back from Sotheby’s. It is indeed a Fabergé, commissioned by King Edward VII himself. It’s worth a great deal of money, Star.’
He handed it to me, and I took out the little figurine, marvelling at how Flora MacNichol herself had once cherished it, and the journey she had been on.
‘I’m not sure it really belongs to me.’
‘Of course it does. To be honest, I presumed Teddy had pawned the figurine years ago. He certainly did that with other family treasures. However you came by it, you are Teddy’s great-grandchild. It’s your legacy, Star . . . You know, I’ve been thinking more and more about the past,’ Mouse said, looking at Panther sitting in the palm of my hand. ‘And I understand what Archie was trying to do when he took Teddy as his own son . . . the trauma that he experienced during the war . . .’ He shook his head. ‘Whatever the consequences were, he wanted to atone for all the random death and destruction he’d seen, by passing on the gift of High Weald to the offspring of an unknown soldier. Just as I hope I can atone by renovating it for Rory.’
‘Yes. I think it was a beautiful thing to do.’
After dinner, he led me back up to our suite.
‘Right,’ he said, as we entered it, ‘I’ll say goodnight then.’
I watched him as he took off his jacket in the sitting room. Then I paused and walked over to him, stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.
‘Goodnight.’
‘Can I hug you?’ he asked, his breath on my skin.
‘Yes please.’
As he did so, I felt a sudden stirring inside me.
‘Mouse?’
‘Yes?’
‘Could you kiss me?’
He tipped my chin up to him and smiled.
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