by Maisey Yates
Except the slightly smug expression on his face when he set his cup back down on the counter suggested to her that he just might.
She took a sip of her coffee, and it was perfect.
And she did wonder, if he was that insightful about the coffee, if he could possibly be that insightful about what these things he was saying might mean to her.
“Are you done with your bacon?” she asked Amelia.
“Yes,” Amelia said brightly.
“Why don’t you find one of your favorite ponies to show Caleb.”
“Okay!”
Amelia scrambled from the room, and Ellie knew that she had bought herself a few minutes while her daughter tried to decide which of her plastic ponies was her favorite.
“I need to talk to you,” she said.
“About?” he asked, his expression far too innocent for a man who’d done all those things to her under the cover of darkness, in that soft, cozy space upstairs.
“Last night.”
“It was good,” he said.
“It was,” she said, breathing in deep. “It was different.”
“I feel a little different,” he said.
“About what you said to me... About the first time you saw me...”
“I have something to tell you,” he said slowly.
“Well, I’m trying to tell you something,” she said.
“I know. But I feel like if we’re going to have that talk, we need to have this one first. And it’s going to sound like a small thing. But I need you to understand what it has made me feel about myself. And I know... I know it’s not something that you hate me for. Though you won’t be that impressed. You’ll wonder why I didn’t tell you. And it’s because it’s something I don’t even like thinking about.”
“What?”
Terror gripped her, and she realized the idea of Caleb not being this stalwart man that she had built up in her head actually did terrify her. He said often that he wasn’t as good a man as Clint, but they were just different men.
Caleb was intense.
Caleb was the kind of man that you could imagine easily going out on the battlefield back in the days of yore and defending his family with a broadsword. He was that kind of good. She would never have trusted her daughter’s safety to him constantly if she didn’t believe that.
That he was the kind of man who would die to protect her. He was. It was that simple.
She knew that about him, knew it in her bones.
“You know, Clint was always smart. He did well in school. And he practically lived at my house. He did his homework there. After an hour or so, he would be finished, and I would still be sitting there with a bad attitude and a headache. And my mom would bring him cookies, and tell him what a great job he did. And over the years that stuck in me. I loved Clint—don’t get me wrong. But there were things that he could do... There was a way that he was... He attracted people. He lit them up. You know that. He didn’t have an ounce of anger in his body, and for a man who came from the kind of house that he did... It was pretty incredible. And I don’t know... In hindsight I wonder if he was pulling a Hank Dalton.”
“I don’t think my husband had a bunch of secret kids,” she said.
“That’s not what I mean,” Caleb responded. “Sometimes I think he was on his best behavior, because of the kind of household he came from... There was a lot of bad behavior. A lot of anger. He probably wanted to get as far away from it as he could when he wasn’t there. He probably never wanted to give my parents a reason to not let him be at our house. I never thought of it this way, because I was a kid, and kids are selfish. But I was born into that family, and he stepped in. He was the one with the precarious position, and I imagine he always felt like he had to perform to keep it.”
“He loved your family,” she said softly. “I don’t think he felt like he had to perform.”
“I think by the time we were adults it was a habit. But when we were kids... He loved my parents, and they loved him. And now I’m so glad of that. I’m glad that he had good parents. Even if they were mine. But at the time, being forced to compete with him, especially in academics...”
“Of course it was so much harder for you,” she said. “And no one knew why.”
“My dad thought that I was being lazy. And he couldn’t stand lazy. Because you know, in Hank’s mind, he pulled himself up by his bootstraps, and if he would’ve had the opportunities that I did... If he would have been able to go to school, that’s what he would’ve done. My dad is a smart man.”
“You keep talking about Clint and your dad and saying that they’re smart. You’re smart, Caleb. A learning disability doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. You can’t help the way that your brain puts these things together.”
“I’ve tried for a lot of my adult life to take that on board. But it’s tough, when you spent your childhood feeling like the class idiot. I hated school because it was out of my control. I hated doing homework with Clint because he was always better than me. I hated it so much. And there was nothing I could do about it. I could get stronger. I could learn to fix an engine. Those things, those physical things, I can control them. And so I threw myself into that. Physical labor, because I knew that I could build up my body, and I couldn’t figure out how in the hell to build up my brain.”
She shook her head. “You know those things aren’t exclusive. Hard work isn’t less. Hard work doesn’t mean that someone is stupid.”
“I know,” he said. “I know that because of you. Because you were the one who helped me see it. All those years later. But for a long time I was bogged down in that. And when... You know how Clint’s home was. His family was poor, and they lived on the edge of town. And they basically had no interest in him whatsoever. He loved to come over and spend time in my dad’s study. And look at all of the... All of the weird stuff in there.”
“It is like a Western museum.”
“Yeah, it is. And he had these guns. Old ones. Polished up and hung on the wall. From John Wayne movies. And they’re worth a hell of a lot of money. Clint loved them. Because like me, like all of us, he was fascinated with the West. Fascinated with cowboys. He made it clear. He would talk about them every time he would go in there. Talk about how he’d love to have something like that. And then one time he laughed and said he’d just have to sell anything that valuable for money anyway.”
She blinked and looked away. Everything about Caleb’s expression made her feel a sense of building dread, and she couldn’t guess why.
“My dad offered Clint money to go to school. And I was so angry. Because he didn’t offer it to me. He offered it to all my brothers, and when it came time for him to give me my talk, my offer, that I was going to refuse the same as they did...he didn’t give it. But he told Clint. Free ride anywhere he could get accepted to. And that he was proud of him.”
Caleb breathed out, sharp and hard. “That was it. I wanted to break it. I wanted to destroy it. I wanted to... I wanted to ruin that relationship that they had. Because it wasn’t fair. Mine was my birthright, and his was... He just stepped in and showed me up every chance he got. How fair was that? So I took the guns. I took the guns, and I put them in Clint’s truck. Put them underneath the tarp. And when the guns went missing I made sure they got found there.”
“What happened?”
“Clint said he did it. He looked at me, straight in the eye, and he said he did it. And he apologized. And my dad forgave him, because if there’s any one person who is imperfect on this earth, it’s him. And then I found out later that Clint didn’t take the money to go to school. Because he didn’t think it was fair to me. We never talked about it. But I think he knew. I think he knew all that time, and he just took the blame, because that’s how much better than me he was. I couldn’t stand it. I tried to ruin his life, Ellie. And when he showed up at that barbecue with you, everything in me wanted to steal you,
too. It took everything to sit back and let him have you. And I almost didn’t. Ellie, when we were having those lessons...you were married to him. My best friend. And no matter how much I was jealous of him, I loved him. And still... I wanted you. And that’s why I’ve spent all this time struggling with the idea that he’s the better man. He got you, and he deserved you. I fractured his relationship with my parents. God knows, honey, if I had just waited a couple of years to try and get what he had... It would’ve been you, and not money for college that I didn’t even want.”
The very idea of Caleb pouring all his energy into stealing her away from Clint made all of her insides seize up. What would she have done if that intense blue-eyed boy that had taken her up riding had tried to kiss her that day? If it hadn’t simply been a moment that existed in her own head?
She didn’t know the answer to it, and it scared her. It made her feel like she didn’t know who she was.
And when his face came back into focus, as it was now, and not as a twenty-year-old kid, riding horses with her up on the ridge, she could see that he was tortured by it all. Still.
“It’s the one thing I wish I could’ve said to him,” Caleb said. “I wish I would have shaken his hand and said you always were the better man. And I’m damn sorry that I tried to take you down to my level, instead of trying to get up to yours.”
Ellie’s throat tightened. “He thought the world of you,” she said. “And never once did I ever think there was some reason he thought you were less. He would’ve said any day of the week that the better man was you. And then in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered. Because you’re two different men. Not the same. You can be two different kinds of good.”
“What I did to him wasn’t good.”
“I would’ve done the same thing,” she said, her chest tight. “Caleb, I wouldn’t have responded to that any better. I grew up fighting for everything I had. I was jealous of everyone and everything. There wasn’t a single person at my school that didn’t have more than me, and I hated them all. I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t let myself date. My life was small, jealous and petty. I was empty. I had a void that my mother wouldn’t fill. I wanted love I couldn’t get. You needed affirmation, and you never got it. You needed someone, anyone, to recognize that you weren’t fundamentally lazy. What that does to a child... Can you imagine? Can you imagine if someone told Amelia every day of her life that she wasn’t good enough because she wasn’t trying, all while she was giving it her best? It’s a crime, Caleb. And when you feel those things, when you feel that kind of desperate, your world shrinks down to your own hurt. Your own problems.”
Suddenly, she saw herself so clearly, because in so many ways she had been doing it for the past several years since Clint’s death.
The way that she had just asked Caleb to have sex with her, as if it wouldn’t bother him in some way. And now that she knew his attraction to her had been a long-running source of guilt for him...
“Sometimes we are so hurt we can’t look past that hurt,” she said. “And I have a long history of doing just that. I wouldn’t have been any better than you. So maybe... Maybe on most days Clint took a higher road than you. That one time. You had other opportunities in your life, to do good or bad, and I’d say you did good.”
“Yeah,” Caleb said.
“And you know what? I think that we did pretty well. Clint had a haven in your house, but it compromised yours. That’s real. You can’t overlook that.”
“But it was nothing he did wrong.”
“No. It wasn’t. You were just both young. But you know, on some level he must’ve realized it. Not taking that college offer from your dad. Choosing to go fight fires with you.”
“He wouldn’t have wanted a desk job anyway,” Caleb said.
“No,” she agreed. “He wouldn’t have. He would’ve been miserable. He loved what he did. And more than that, he loved doing it with you and Jacob. He liked making a difference. And you were his brothers. You were.”
“It’s not your job to make me feel better about this. That’s not why I told you. I just wanted you to understand.”
“I understand why you feel the way you do. But you need to understand that...what you’ve shown me of yourself matters a whole lot more. You’re my protector,” she said. “When grief threatened to drown me, you were there. And if I hadn’t had your arms to hold me up out of the waves, Caleb, I don’t know what I would have done. You were there when Amelia was born. You were... You’re a man who does. And all those actions, all that hard work, it matters. In the end, it’s everything. Because if somebody says a whole lot of pretty words, but can’t be there when it matters...then it doesn’t matter.”
“Ellie...”
“And you wouldn’t have.”
“I wouldn’t have what?” he asked.
“You wouldn’t have stolen me away from him. Because it’s not who you were. It’s not who you are.”
He shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know if I could have lived with this feeling for the rest of my life and not done anything.”
The words stabbed at her. Because it made her wonder, too. For a moment. But they wouldn’t have. She knew. Clear as anything. Because whatever pull they felt toward each other, they’d both loved Clint. Because they both cared about things like vows, and other people’s hearts.
Because she would never have touched Caleb, and if she’d never touched him she would have never known the real power of the electrical current that arched between them sometimes.
They would never have opened the door.
“You wouldn’t have,” she said. “Because...whatever you think, Caleb, you protect people. You would never have hurt him, not that way. Petty stuff you did when you were a boy...it’s not the same.”
“Purple and yellow,” Amelia announced, holding two ponies high over her head as she entered the kitchen. “These are my favorite.”
“Very nice,” Caleb said. His eyes were still on Ellie.
“Caleb,” she said. “Play ponies with me.”
“For ten minutes, okay. Then I have somewhere to be.”
“Tree lot?” Ellie asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve at least got to help the boys get set up. I’m not comfortable leaving them to their own devices yet.”
“Understandable.”
“Let’s play under your Christmas tree,” Amelia said.
“My Christmas tree?”
“Yes,” she said, frowning, a deep groove appearing between her pale brows. “Aren’t all the Christmas trees yours?”
“No,” he said. “I brought this one to you. And now it’s yours.”
Amelia beamed happily and took Caleb by the hand into the living room.
And something in Ellie’s heart cracked. And she stood there in the kitchen, trying to breathe around it. Hoping that somehow she could soothe that back together by rubbing her fingertips over her breastbone.
But it didn’t work.
And just when she was feeling like she had some things together, she was wondering if she was going to break again.
And the very idea terrified her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
HE SPENT EVERY night at her house. For three weeks. He went to bed with her, woke up with her. And if Amelia noticed that there was anything different about it, she didn’t say anything, and since she was a four-year-old child, he had a feeling that if she had noticed there was something different, she would have said, and loudly.
For his part, he couldn’t really read Ellie. Couldn’t really understand what was going on with her. She clung to him at night, her breath on his neck as they slept. And in the morning she often had trouble meeting his eyes.
Even after that talk they’d had, where he had sort of bared his soul and all of that.
But the past three weeks had only strengthened his resolve. It was Christmas
Eve Eve, and all of the last-minute trees were gone from the lot. And he had a pocket full of cash, and was on his way to the one jewelry store in town.
It was a nice store, not filled with fine jewelry so much, but handmade, one-of-a-kind pieces, which he knew would appeal to Ellie even more.
He needed to find just the right thing. She had delicate hands, so nothing too chunky. And she sparkled.
But he didn’t want to get her a diamond solitaire, because she’d had one of those before.
Because he knew exactly what her wedding rings looked like, the ones that were in her jewelry box in her room.
She had taken them off when she was eight months pregnant with Amelia, because they hadn’t fit her hands, and she had never put them back on.
But he knew them. He knew them without having to look at them, and he wanted something different.
Because what he knew, what he was resolved in, what he was going to say to her, was that they were different.
He walked into the jewelry store, looked at everything under the counter, pausing when he found a white gold band with fragments of sunstone wound through delicate strands of metal. It was perfect.
That kind of sunstone could only be found in Oregon, completely unique to the terrain out in the high desert, and he felt like that matched the way that he felt.
A feeling that could only be found between the two of them. And no one else.
It wasn’t a traditional engagement ring. But she didn’t... Theirs wasn’t a traditional relationship. It wouldn’t be a marriage in the same way her first one had been, not for her.
He was okay with that. He was.
He got the ring wrapped up and then he started to head over to the toy store.
If he was going to give Ellie a ring, he was going to have to give Amelia something.
But on his way down there, he paused.
There was a red truck with wood slats nailed to the side, and a sign hanging over the top.
Puppies.
Puppies for an eye-watering price.
But he imagined last-minute Christmas puppies were something of a premium?