I told you that no one ever measured up to you and that is, was, true. In a way, no one will because you’re my son’s father. If I take that out of the equation, I’d have to stop and think do I feel that way because we had one beautiful, perfect night? It’s hard to compare someone you’ve been with for more than a month to a blissful twenty-four hour night. I was delusional to think that anyone wouldn’t measure up to you. No one is perfect and spending more time with you, I see that not even you are perfect.” I’ve been trying to hold back the tears that have been blurring my vision but can’t any longer. It’s like a dam burst and water escapes, flowing at its own free will. Silas reaches his hand out and wipes the tears from my eyes. I allow him this small touch and I continue.
“I think when I’m with you, my judgment is clouded and I put myself first. Somewhere along the line of us reconnecting, I lost focus on what’s important. Erza. Ezra needs to be my main priority and I need to do what’s best for him. I want you to be a part of his life, but I can no longer let you be a part of mine.”
Silas jumps up from his seat, screaming, “What?! Do you hear yourself?” I don’t answer his question; I stay on track of what I need to get out.
“When you’re in my life, I put myself before him; so much so that when you do screw up, I’m torn. I want to be angry with you for making my baby cry and then I want to say it’s okay, because I know you’re still learning, and I love that you are trying so hard and don’t want to fight. I let my guard down with you and that’s something I’ve never done before. I need to walk away, not just for me, but for Ezra. With that said, I will be there for drops offs and pickups, but unless it involves Ezra, I don’t think there’s really anything else to discuss.” I finish my speech, and let’s face it, that’s pretty much what it was. I look at Silas. His face is red and his jaw is clenched; he is reacting the only way I expected him to. He’s pissed. We keep staring at each other and his gaze is like daggers boring into me. I look away, breaking eye contact. “I guess that’s it,” I say as I shrug my shoulders.
“That’s it?” He voice is loud as he slams his fist on the coffee table, confirming that he is, in fact, angry. He stands up off the couch and I remain seated. “So you say all that and end it with ‘that’s it.’ Do I even get a say in this? Did you ever think for even a second that I don’t want any part of what you said? I mess up two fucking times and that’s enough to give me the boot from your life? This has got to be a joke!” he yells, now pacing back and forth across the floor.
“I assure you this is no joke,” I tell him, standing my ground on the situation.
“Great, just fucking great. I find the love of my life, not once, but twice, and you just throw me out like a piece of trash. For fuck sake, Lilly, I was going to ask you to move in with me this weekend! I’ve had it planned since before all this shit went down. You can sit there and spew this shit about no one being perfect, but let me tell you something. We are perfect, Lilly. We make each other perfect because we belong together. Do you honestly think if we weren’t, we would have run into each other again? Out of all the places in the world we both could have lived, we ended up a town away from each other. If that’s not fate, I don’t know what is. All of this sounds like bullshit to me. Why don’t you tell me what the real problem is?”
“Bullshit or not, our relationship is taking away from you learning to be a good father,” I say, letting the main reason out.
“So, you think I’m a shitty father to our son? Unlike you, I haven’t had three years to learn how to be a parent. I’m just jumping right into it, praying to God I don’t fuck it up.”
“And that is why we can’t be together. You need to figure that out without any distractions. You can be a part of Ezra’s life, but I can’t let you be a part of mine, and I need to just walk away.” I’m hoping he will accept what I’m telling him.
“You want me to walk away. Pretend like what we have doesn’t mean anything? I did that already once, or do you not remember? I’m not going to let you push me away again. So get over whatever shit is clouding your head or scaring you off, because I will fight for you this time.” He sits next to me, taking my hands in his.
I lower my head. “That’s just it, Silas. I don’t want you to fight for me. There’s nothing to fight for.” He drops my hands from his like they are poison and I see his eyes start to water. And as much as I want to reach out and take those words back, I know I can’t. Silas gets up and walks to the door. Opening the door, still facing it, I hear him let out a curse under his breath and say, “I’ll text you and we can work out a schedule for Ezra.” He slams the door on his way out, causing me to jump in my seat.
As soon as I hear his car speed off, I pull out my phone and text Megan.
Me: It’s done.
Megan: I’m so sorry hun. Are you sure this was the right thing to do?
Me: Yes. I don’t think straight when I’m around him and I need to protect Ezra. I can’t make good decisions for him when I’m thinking about myself. I need to put Ezra first and my love life second. The fact that I was going to let Silas off the hook for his birthday because I love him shows it.
Megan: But you didn’t let him off the hook.
Me: I know and it killed me that I wanted to and had every intention to until you made me realize I couldn’t. What’s done is done. When I’m ready, someone else will come along one day and make me happy.
Megan: But will he be the one?
Me: No. I just broke the heart of the one and told him not to fight for me.
Megan: I’m on my way with beer and whiskey. Hang tight.
Throwing my phone on the couch, I give into the tears I have been trying to fight and cry over a broken heart I only have myself to blame for. I know Silas thinks my reasons aren’t good enough, but he’s hurt us too many times. I need to take a breather. I’m scared shitless of his love. It’s so consuming that when he does something wrong, it hurts too much. If anything bigger ever happened, it would crush me. So instead, I decided to get crushed on my own terms.
Chapter 32
Silas
It’s been three weeks since Lilly broke up with me. I wish I could say it’s been easy, but I’d be lying. I’ve been living in my own personal hell every day since then. I eat, sleep, and breathe Lilly, and I can’t even touch her. Every time I drop Ezra off at night, Lilly’s in her fucking pajamas, which basically consist of nothing. All I can think about is ripping what little she has on off and getting her legs wrapped around me. But that’s not going to fucking happen. She’s always standing far enough away from me that an accidental graze can’t even happen. What I wouldn’t give to feel her skin brush up against mine. I feel myself begin to harden at the thought of her and need to think of something else. Walking into a bar with a hard-on isn’t something to be proud of. I feel a pat on my back, and I turn to see Lucas and Declan standing behind me. I’m a little confused as to why Declan is here. I know he’s Lilly’s friend, but we’ve never hung out alone before.
“Why are you standing out here and not in there, drinking?” Lucas’s voice draws me away from my thoughts.
“I just needed a minute,” I say as I play with my phone, pretending to look busy, not wanting to give up the real reason.
“Um, okay?” Lucas’s eyebrows are arched and we stand there in an awkward silence for a minute. God, why won’t this fucking thing go down? Fucking Lilly, that’s why. She’s got that long lasting effect on me.
“Do you need help with that?” Declan breaks the silence, pointing the bulge in my pants. Lucas bursts out in laughter and Declan joins in.
“I’m good, but thanks for the kind gesture,” I answer sarcastically, readjusting myself in my jeans.
“Oh, come on, I was playing around. Besides, if you must know, I prefer the backdoor entry, if you know what I mean,” he’s wiggling his eyebrows and Lucas is laughing even harder now.
“Easy for you assholes to sit back and laugh. You have Kim, and you,” I punch Declan in
the shoulder, “have two people to take care of you from what I hear.”
“Well, get rid of that so we can go drink already,” Lucas waves his hand in a hurrying gesture.
“I’ve been trying! It’s Lilly she messes with my head and my body,” waving my hand near my dick.
“Just do what I do. Think of your grandma,” Declan says gagging.
“Or try having your kid bust through the door right as you’re about to blow your load. Now that is a mood killer,” Lucas suggests and I immediately feel my problem go away.
We head inside the bar and I’m still a little confused as to why Declan is here. He is a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, but he has never expressed any interest of hanging out with Lucas or myself. I head to the bar and Lucas suggests grabbing a table. We never sit at a table when we go out, no matter how many of us there are. There is something up, and I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t want to be blindsided.
“What gives?” I question as everyone takes a seat.
“What do you mean?” Lucas doesn’t look up from the beer menu. Another sign that something’s up.
“We never sit at a table and for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always ordered the same drink. And you,” pointing to Declan, “you never expressed any interest in hanging out with us before, so what gives? And don’t try to insult my intelligence either. What the hell are we really doing here?”
“I would say sorry I’m late, but I would actually have to feel sorry and I don’t. Especially since what I was doing was important,” Megan says, coming up from behind me and taking the empty seat next to me. “What’s a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?”
“Not me,” Declan says as he turns his attention to me. “And what’s wrong with me wanting to spend some time with the guys?” He’s waving over a waitress.
“You don’t hang with the guys,” Megan chimes in, only proving my point that something’s up.
“Okay, can someone fill me in on what we’re really doing here?” Before I can get an answer, the waitress is at our table taking drink orders. Lucas makes a point to order something different this time, and I laugh and shake my head at him. He gives me his ‘take that’ look and flips me off. Classic Lucas. Megan and Declan start bullshitting and Lucas is listening to their conversation intently, completely ignoring me.
“Okay, if no one is going to talk, I’m leaving. I have better things I could be doing than trying to figure out what all three of you are up to,” I say as I start to get out of my seat.
“Like what? Playing with yourself?” Declan jokes.
“Sit down, Silas. You’re going to want to hear what we have to say. And Declan, quit being so crude all the time.” Megan’s getting sassy and he sticks his tongue out at her.
“Look, Lilly is going to kill Declan and I for telling you this. But, we both discussed it and feel you need to know.” She’s glancing over at Declan and she looks a little nervous. I’ve never seen her look nervous. Fierce, yes. That’s practically a permanent fixture on her.
“What is it exactly that I need to know?” Fear rushes through me at the thought that there could be something seriously wrong with Lilly or Ezra, especially if she’s breaking some girl code bullshit. The waitress walks by the table and I stop her, ordering a whiskey. I have a feeling I’m going to need something a little stronger for this. When she leaves, I continue, “If it’s going to ruin your friendship, don’t tell me.”
“Even if it’s about you?” Lucas chimes in.
“Yes, even if it’s about me. Lilly made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t think she would take kindly to you sharing stuff with me. Especially since she wants nothing to do with me. As much as I want to know what’s going on in her life, just hearing her name crushes me.”
“What if she was moving to Australia? Wouldn’t you want to know that?” Lucas is getting a little irritated with me and I know he’s tired of hearing me complain about my current situation.
“Well, she would have to tell me if she was moving. Ezra, remember?” I pick up my whiskey, drinking it and suddenly realizing that she wouldn’t have to tell me. I have no official parental rights. My stomach drops at the thought. Erza and Lilly could disappear from my life once again. Clearing my throat to not show my panic, I continue, “Plus, if she moved I would follow her. Wherever my son goes, I go.” I place my glass down and wring my hands under the table. They are sweaty from the nerves.
“Okay, enough of this shit,” Megan says as she slaps her palm on the table.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Silas?” Before I can answer her back, she starts up again. “You have this amazing woman who gave you a son and you just let her walk away? God, for a detective, you are one dumb ass motherfucker,” She smacks me hard on my forehead.
“What do you want me to do, Megan? I told her I wasn’t walking away and I was going to fight for her. She told me she didn’t want me to.”
“And I don’t want to marry Adam Levine. Geez … you can’t be that dense,” I just stare at her. “Of course she wants you to fight for her, she just won’t ask you to. She had no reason to push you away, except that you scare her. I remember when she came home from the first time you guys met. You should have seen the fire that got lit under her ass when she wrote those books. I knew there was more to the night than she was leading on at first. She was always dazed off in a dreamy state and when she would write, I would have to pry her away from her laptop. She’s had this idea of you for so long. You are her Miles. That whole series came about because of your one night together. Think about it, Lilly has never been in a serious relationship, she has no idea what she’s doing. Add in reconnecting, not only with your muse, but the father of your child -- it’s a bit overwhelming. Then throw Kristin being pregnant into the mix. It’s a wonder how she kept her anxiety under control. She’s scared, Silas, scared of the unknown and it overwhelmed her. She will never tell you that,” Megan explains.
As Megan is talking, everything is making more sense to me. I knew what she was saying was bullshit, but I just couldn’t put it together. I should have seen it from the beginning. She hid everything so well, I would have never known this was weighing on her so much.
“But now, because you’re an idiot, it might be too late.” She’s smiling as she admits the last part.
“What do you mean he’s too late?” Declan asks before I can.
“She finally gave into Joe’s bugging and is going out with Brett. She called me on my way here and told me.”
“I have to go,” getting up, I rush toward the exit.
“Where are you going?” Declan yells out.
“I know what I need to do. Megan, I’ll call you. I’m going to need your help on this,” I inform her.
“Is there anything I can do?” Lucas’s support is all the help I need.
“Sit there, look pretty and pretend to like the beer you’re drinking,” I say, knowing he hasn’t touched it since the first sip. He flips me off and I’m out the door.
Chapter 33
Lilly
Every day at work this week, Joe has been bringing up this guy, Brett. He wants me to go out with him and try to move on, since I’m hell bent on not making things work romantically with Silas. Joe and Laura basically tore me a new one when I told them what happened. They both said I am an idiot for pushing him away. Maybe I am, but what’s done is done and there’s no taking back what I said. Every morning Joe is constantly asking me the same question. ‘Can I set something up with Brett?’ And every time, my answer is no. Until yesterday. He said if I don’t go out, he’s going to give Declan a three-week vacation next month. He’s fighting dirty and he has me where he knows I can’t say no. I have a book signing every weekend next month. Without Declan’s help, I’ll be swamped and behind on my work. So reluctantly, I agree.
Getting ready, I’m not quite sure I know what to wear. I’m trying to keep an open mind about this get together. I refuse to call it a date. I’m not ready to dat
e, and no matter how many times I tell everyone that, they don’t seem to care. I know they think they are helping, but it isn’t. The only positive thing I’ve gotten out of this is a new idea for a story. Who knew sitting in an airport I would find a muse that fills me with inspiration left and right? Sighing, I just grab the first thing I can reach in my closet, which is a simple sundress. I throw it over my head and throw on a pair of wedges. Looking in the mirror, you can tell I didn’t put much effort into my outfit but I couldn’t care less. I’m not going out to find my next boyfriend. The doorbell rings and Megan lets herself in, announcing she’s here. I told her if I had to go out with Brett, she was coming. She had suggested we go to the festival in the park they have every summer. Local vendors come out and set up stands to sell their merchandise, and local bands play to entertain the crowds.
“Hey.” Megan walks into my room.
“Hey, yourself. Let me just grab my bag and we can go.” I walk back to the closet to switch out my purse.
“You’re wearing that?” Pointing to my dress, her eyebrows are creased in and her lips pursed. She’s clearly insulted by my outfit, but I’m not sure why.
“Yes, what’s wrong with it?” I look to make sure it doesn’t have any stains or tears that I might have missed.
“You’re meeting this guy for the first time. First impressions are everything. You have to blow him away.” She starts digging through my closet. “Here wear this one.” She hands me a long black maxi dress. The front top is a v-cut top and the back of the dress has one of those low backdrops to it. Reluctantly, I take the dress from her and put it on. “Much better. Now let’s go see what all the fuss is about over this guy.”
On the ride over to the park, I send Brett a text letting him know we are on our way and where we should meet him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I’m a mess and I’m already sweating. I turn the air conditioning up in the car and place my hand on my bouncing knee that won’t stop.
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