by Hadley Quinn
Damn straight I didn’t fit the stereotype.
“I’m sorry, Jude,” she said again. “I’m sorry for letting fear make my choices for me.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” I answered. “I do understand where you’re coming from and you have every right to feel cautious, no matter who it is. But seriously, Ree… I would never disrespect you that way. I hope you believe that.”
She gave me an earnest nod. “I do.” Again her words were soft, but combined with her eyes, held so much power to them.
Ree patted the table with her hand and said, “I need to get back to The Urchin. My dad is expecting me.”
I followed her lead when she stood, but tossed a twenty on the table for her milkshake before she could pay for it herself. She gave me narrowed eyes but didn’t object, and it was just that sassiness that made me smile from the inside out.
19
Starting a new endeavor was going to be good for me. At least that’s what I was telling myself every time some new obstacle tried to jump in my way. Chicago was an amazing city for so many reasons, but because it was my hometown, I was beginning to feel too much media invaded it on a continual basis. I was used to it in L.A., but I also knew a notable story was a notable story…wherever it was located.
Once it became public that I was now part owner of The Urchin, suddenly it was a new topic that people could not seem to stop writing about. We had to hire full time security for the restaurant, which Luke was happy about since that included a solid contract for him and his security firm.
Daytime hours were open to the general public, but from seven p.m. on it was reservation only for the half of the restaurant closest to the stage. We had to employ eight more for the wait staff, four more cooks, and four more bartenders. And because I didn’t want “just anybody” employed at a music lounge I had ownership in, I made sure there were extensive background checks on everyone that applied—even though it was a hush-hush, word-of-mouth opportunity anyway. We offered jobs to people that Blake knew, which mainly consisted of struggling musicians. I wanted the love of music to be top priority for the place, and the employees were the right place to start.
I started playing on both Friday and Saturday nights, and two weeks later, a Sunday afternoon performance was added. We had an amazing web designer that set up a very advanced calendar and reservation system and it seemed to function extremely well. Every day at the restaurant was busy, and the weekends were booked solid. Of course I never really stuck to the schedule completely and would do an impromptu sit down at the piano now and then. I kind of liked doing those because it was fun to just whip out a couple of songs or covers without warning, and the restaurant patrons didn’t seem to mind in the least bit.
Since it seemed necessary, I did a few local radio interviews—not to advertise for The Urchin, because we really didn’t need it, but to indulge the public’s curiosity—and after that, I was in the hot seat again for inquiries and appearances and being a live guest here and there…
Life was starting to kick up some dust again.
I sat in my apartment one night, alone in my room facing my computer. I’d answered some emails and such, spent a few minutes on social media, and returned a couple of phone calls—including all of Aaron’s. I knew I needed to be careful with catering to the demands of others all over again, so I jotted down a few lists to keep myself grounded.
One thing was for sure… I loved the choice I’d made to join the Millers at The Urchin. I truly enjoyed the environment for the amazing piano bar that it was, and I was very honored to work with Blake as a business partner. Ben was incredibly smart, loyal, and just a great guy to have on my side, too. I was very happy these guys turned out to be first-class business friends and I felt blessed because of it. There were a lot of changes they had to make in order to add me, but step-by-step they’d forged through it all to make it happen. It was not only a smart business decision on their part, but I felt they were good people and deserved it.
And Ree… She was a different part of my life altogether. Unfortunately, during the whirlwind of changes for the bar, I’d barely spent much time with her in those two weeks. That was the biggest issue weighing on my mind at the moment and it bugged me tremendously. It was the reason I was sitting in a dark room, staring at my computer screen. It was like no matter how much I did to appease the public, it was still never enough; there was still a shit ton more I could do. Sometimes finding that balance was the hardest part of being a public figure. Yeah, your privacy is shot automatically, but when you try to be accessible or connect with your fans, it usually results in some kind of negativity or people wanting more.
It was a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ type of situation.
One of the major decisions I’d made was contacting Scott, my former publicist. I needed that assistance once more since I was back in the fuss again. It wasn’t a surprise that Aaron had already spoken to him, but Scott was classy and would have never called me up to offer his services. He made arrangements with his private firm and agreed to fly out the next week to meet with me.
Then I called Ree. Except for a few drop-in milkshake dates at Hillman’s and what we saw of each other at The Urchin, I hadn’t spent much time with her. She was busy as well with all of the new responsibilities she was taking on, but I knew that my demanding schedule had made me less available too.
“Heyyy, Jude,” she answered after the first ring. Then she giggled.
It wasn’t the first time someone had referenced that Beatle’s song and I smiled. “Hey, beautiful, what’re you up to?”
“Mm, not much. Dad told me to get familiar with this website, so I’m just drinking wine and ogling the pictures of you on here.”
Amused, I answered, “It’s horny women like you that keep me in business.”
She laughed out loud. “Um, well maybe so. So what’s up? It’s really good to hear your voice.”
I moved from my computer chair to my bed to lie down, feeling the same way. “I know it’s late but…I miss you. Was hoping I could see you tonight.”
After a brief pause she answered, “It’s barely after nine.”
“I know but…if you came over, I’d want you to stay for a while.”
“So this is a booty call?”
I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not, but I guess I needed to proceed cautiously anyway. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to spend much time with you lately. Things will die down a bit now.”
“You think so? I’d think things would only start getting crazier.”
“It can’t,” I shook my head to myself. “I won’t let it because I don’t want that. I’m not going to turn my life over to the public, I just can’t do it.”
She paused again. “So how are things going to die down?”
I summarized my conversation with Scott, which basically consisted of him knowing that I was not going to be traveling all over the world again. My roots were right here in Chicago, and other than saying yes to the few things that I wanted to say yes to, this trip through the spotlight was going to be different than any of the others.
“How can you know that, Jude?” she asked. “I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer, I just don’t want you to be disappointed. Is that really something you can predict?”
“Yes, it is,” I replied firmly. “The only people I want having a piece of me are the ones I choose to have in my life.” I paused. “And that especially means you.”
I could hear her sigh.
“Where are you, Ree?” I asked softly. “Let me come get you. I wanna see you.”
“Well…I’d like to see you too,” she answered just as quietly. “I’m at home, but if you come here, you may as well just stay.”
Fine by me, and she didn’t have to say it twice. I was already throwing my shoes on while she gave me an address to an apartment fifteen minutes away. But the more I thought about it after grabbing my car from the basement garage, the more I started to second-gue
ss myself. Especially when I realized I was being followed by another car, someone who’d apparently been waiting along the street for my exit. Sometimes I couldn’t believe the dedication these guys had; whether they were fans or paparazzi, they took their “duty” seriously.
I groaned to myself, wishing I’d hired Luke to drive me instead. It’s not like I was new to any of this, but my concern was for Ree and her privacy. Having her name pop up in tabloids was not something I was willing to have hanging over her right now.
When that same car was still following me ten minutes later, I decided I had no choice and gave Luke a call. He told me to grab some nearby drive-thru for the time being until he could get to me, so I did just that. Not that I minded, either. I was actually pretty hungry since my mind had been on business for most of the day and I’d barely eaten much.
When Luke gave me the go-ahead, I proceeded to make my way to Ree’s. I had no idea which method he’d used to hold up my stalker, but I was sure to hear about it later.
I gave her a call as I entered her building and she told me to come right up. When she opened the door, her coy smile appealed to every part of me, and when she glanced down at the bag in my hand, she chuckled and asked, “Is that what took you so long?”
“Yep,” I nodded, stepping through the door when she motioned me in.
“How’d you know I was starving?” she narrowed her eyes at me.
“I didn’t,” I lightly laughed. “I had to stop for myself and thought it would be rude if I didn’t get you something too.”
She took the bag out of my hand and peered into it, and while she walked with it to a small table near the kitchen, I enjoyed the opportunity to look her over. She seemed comfortable in a pair of black yoga pants and a blue tank top, and extremely beautiful with her hair piled up on top of her head. Casual or dressed up, she was drop dead gorgeous, and thinking about my last time with her, I was dying to run my tongue over that silky caramel skin again.
“So which is yours?” she asked as she pulled items from the bag. “Um, holy shit, you hungry or something?” she chuckled as she set two more burgers on the table.
I didn’t know what she’d like so I got a regular burger and a chicken burger, and since I’d still been waiting for Luke, I took my time choosing a few other menu items as well. I think the guy at the window was a bit put off by my indecisiveness, and it was a good thing he didn’t recognize me when it was all said and done.
“Regular fries, seasoned fries… I’m really not that hard to please, Jude.”
Just the fact that she was sticking fries in her mouth, alternating the regular ones with the seasoned ones, was hilarious. She gave me a look that said, “See, I’m not picky.”
“Maybe I didn’t know what I wanted,” I teased her, taking the container of fries out of her hand and setting them on the table. “And all I wanted was a hug hello, not ‘gimme all your food, piano man.’”
She laughed but wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed me tight. “Sorry, I’m a greedy little food whore.”
“Apparently so. We may need to rethink this, you know.”
Ree laid her face against my neck as I held her close to me. “I’m manageable if you just toss me a burger now and then.”
I was amused as I kissed her forehead. “Okay, fine, go eat.”
She pulled away but gave me a comical face. “The food only distracted me from jumping you in the doorway, you know,” she said as she dropped into a chair to eat, motioning me to do the same.
“Oh yeah? Hmm, well good to know.”
She tried not to smile as she unwrapped a burger.
You ever have those quirky moments with someone like that? Where you’re both trying to pace things properly and the amusement on the side only gets more entertaining? Yeah, Ree was like that sometimes. And I loved it. But I totally knew what she meant because I was seriously glad I’d brought food with me. It provided a buffer for us, something we both needed because things had been so hectic lately and I really didn’t like giving off the impression that I was only here to bone her—like she’d implied earlier on the phone. I truly did just want to spend time with her.
With that in mind, I put aside any and all sexual thoughts about her and focused on having a meal and conversing about whatever came to the table. The fact that she had Happy Gilmore in the DVD player made it even more random. She was actually surprised it was one of my favorites, to which I replied, “I’m not always extremely intellectual.”
And that made her laugh. Loudly. And since we were now sitting on the couch together, she eyed me and said, “All I just heard was that you’re always extremely sexual. I mean at least that’s what I chose to hear. See what you have to deal with? My intellect just went—” Her hand dropped from high to low as she whistled with its descent.
No, she was wrong, because even when she was being totally flirty and perverted, her wit was incredibly elevated. It was impressive really, and it made me laugh more than I ever had in the last four years.
I was pretty damn sure I could deal with that.
20
I knew I had a ton of things I could be doing the next morning, but waking up next to Ree totally made those menial thoughts perish. There was nothing I would have chosen over her anyway, even when I reached for my phone to check the time and realized I’d missed a dozen calls and texts from various people. My dad used to say he took for granted the days where technology couldn’t reach him so easily, and even though I kind of missed that era by a few years, I could relate. Sometimes I wished I didn’t even have a cell phone.
I did, however, check on the text from Luke. One thing I learned to never ignore is my security detail and my family, and as I sent a quick reply to Luke, I thought about Lily and Annalise and how much I loved getting texts from them when I was away—especially if it was a photo of Anna. Sometimes that was the difference between me having a good day and an amazing day. A few of them even inspired new lyrics while I sat on a plane, waited for stage time, or was about to climb into bed for the night in a hotel.
Those were my heartache songs; the ones that people thought I was writing about a long lost love. Well, they were somewhat right. My little girl owned my heart. Knowing that I could never go back and give her better, give her more than I had, killed me inside. I felt I would always live in regret because of that. No matter how much success I had in my life, I would never ever make that mistake again. There was nothing more important than the people who loved you the most, and I had learned that the hard way.
“Jude?” Ree’s voice was so soft, I barely heard her. When I glanced next to me, she was propped up on her elbow, studying me intently. “What’s wrong?”
It’s not a secret that grown men do indeed cry now and then. I could feel the moisture that had built in my eyes and Ree had noticed, too. I wasn’t about to play it off like nothing was wrong, either. I would never hide how much I loved my kid.
I took a deep breath before sharing what I’d been pondering. It was different when I spoke something out loud than when I thought about those things to myself. I wasn’t as openly distraught as I felt in my heart and usually kept myself composed for the most part. It was when I thought about the details of the night they died…that’s when I wished my memory would fail me. When I first saw the fire department pull Anna out of the backseat…
My God, I wouldn’t have even known that lump of mangled flesh was a child.
“Jude…”
I have no idea why that image popped up right then. All I’d been doing was sharing with Ree how guilty I felt for missing time with my family and then that image flashed in my head and my voice felt strangled.
“Jude, it’s okay, you don’t need to talk about it if you’re not comfortable doing so.”
She scooted closer to me and wrapped her arm over my stomach. There was no way I would ever tell her what I saw that night. Two crushed bodies from the wheels of a semi truck…my wife and my baby girl, both unrecognizable…and somehow al
l I suffered was a concussion and dislocated shoulder.
How in the fuck was I so cursed that I would have to see such a thing?
I pinched my eyes with my thumb and index finger to rub away the moisture. I was not expecting that to happen, not here with Ree. I was happy here with her, with what we had so far, and I felt like one more attempt by me to move on with my life was being hijacked by memories I couldn’t control.
My dad knew what I’d seen that night, and so had Wes when it all spilled out of me in a drunken mess, but I had never shared that part of my life with anyone else. Part of dodging the public was based on the fear that some insensitive asshole would ask me about it, catching me off guard. There was no telling what that would have done to me. It was bad enough when I was alone and those images assaulted me unexpectedly.
Ree’s gentle touch was keeping me grounded at the moment. She didn’t press for answers and I think that was good for the most part, but at the same time, I wanted to share that part of my life with her. Maybe there was a reason I’d been put in this situation and it was necessary to just put it all out there. I hadn’t planned on it, but I felt like I wanted to.
However, I shut myself off just as quickly as I’d let myself go. Those reservations were automatic; it was easier to make the choice to protect myself than it was to go through the process of being betrayed. I didn’t specifically feel that Ree was capable of doing that, but being guarded came natural to me because of past issues with people and the media.
I sat up in bed with an exhale. It was partly to give myself space, but mainly to rescue myself from my current state. Ree sat up with me, but she ultimately headed for the bathroom without a word. I worried that I’d offended her somehow, but when she came out fully dressed, she also had that sassy signature smile on her lips.