by Mike Leigh
ANGELA: Yes, and it’s better for it to happen while those two are away.
BEVERLY: Definitely, yeah.
SUSAN: I wonder – could you pass me my handbag, please?
ANGELA: Yes, where is it?
SUSAN: It’s, um, on the floor.
[While Angela gets the handbag, Susan removes the cushion from behind her.]
ANGELA: Here we are.
SUSAN: Thank you.
BEVERLY: No, ’cos when you’re vomiting in front of blokes, Ang, it’s embarrassing, isn’t it?
ANGELA: Yes. And they’re not usually that sympathetic.
BEVERLY: No.
ANGELA: Well, I know Tony isn’t. ’Cos if I’ve got a headache, or my period pains, he doesn’t want to know.
BEVERLY: Really?
ANGELA: In fact, it annoys him.
BEVERLY: Now, this is it, you see; I reckon a woman, she needs a bit of love and affection from a bloke. Okay, sex is important. But, Ang, it’s not everything.
ANGELA: No. You see, if Tony comes home, and he’s in a bad mood, I can’t do anything right. ’Cos they pick on you, don’t they?
BEVERLY: Is he like that?
ANGELA: Oh, yes, he’s very quick-tempered.
BEVERLY: Is he?
ANGELA: I think it’s because of his red hair.
BEVERLY: Yeah. It’s funny, isn’t it, Sue? To see him, sitting there, he looks ever so quiet and gentle, doesn’t he?
SUSAN: Yes.
BEVERLY: Is he very violent?
ANGELA: No, he’s not violent. He’s just a bit nasty. Like, the other day, he said to me, he’d like to sellotape my mouth. And that’s not very nice, is it?
BEVERLY: It certainly isn’t, Ang!
ANGELA: Was your husband violent?
SUSAN: No, not at all. He was a bit irritable sometimes, a little difficult. But – I think we all are.
ANGELA: Ah! She’s one of the lucky ones, isn’t she?
BEVERLY: Definitely, Sue, definitely.
ANGELA: Mind you, if Tony wasn’t around, I’d miss him.
BEVERLY: Would you?
ANGELA: Yes.
BEVERLY: Yeah. It’s funny, isn’t it? I suppose I would miss Laurence inasmuch as I need a bloke – well, let’s face it, we all need a bloke, don’t we? And, okay, credit where it’s due: he’s very good with money. I mean, if I want a new dress, make-up, have my hair done, whatever it is, the money is there. But, apart from that, it’s just boring, know what I mean?
ANGELA: Yes. Well, I think that comes from being married, doesn’t it?
BEVERLY: Do you?
ANGELA: The fun wears off.
BEVERLY: Yeah.
ANGELA: Oh, your cushion’s slipped.
SUSAN: I’m all right, actually.
ANGELA: Come on, lean forward.
BEVERLY: Yeah, come on, Sue.
ANGELA: Make you comfy.
BEVERLY: ’Cos Angela knows.
[Enter Laurence.]
ANGELA: Everything all right down there?
LAURENCE: Yes, I think so.
BEVERLY: How many’s at the party, then?
LAURENCE: Well, I don’t know – I didn’t stop to count them. [To himself] This is my glass. [He goes to the bar.]
SUSAN: It’s all right, is it?
LAURENCE: Yes!! – Oh, I’m sorry, Sue: Yes, yes, I went in, and I had a few words with them, and everything seems to be all right.
ANGELA: Where’s Tony got to?
LAURENCE: Perhaps you’d better ask him that, when he gets back.
SUSAN: Did you see Abigail?
LAURENCE: I certainly did.
SUSAN: Is she all right?
LAURENCE: I think so.
ANGELA: Where is he?
LAURENCE: I don’t know. I’m not his keeper.
SUSAN: Did you talk to her?
LAURENCE: Well, I asked her to turn the music down, yes.
ANGELA [to Beverly]: He’s stayed at the party!
SUSAN: Was she upset?
LAURENCE: I don’t think so.
BEVERLY [to Angela]: He’s probably being raped by a load of fifteen-year-old schoolgirls!
ANGELA: Oh, lucky them!
BEVERLY: I’ll tell you something: at least they had a bit of taste – they didn’t pick him! [Indicating Laurence.]
ANGELA: I hope he’s feeling a bit more enthusiastic than when I leap on him!
BEVERLY: Is he one of those?
ANGELA: Yes, he turns over.
BEVERLY: I’ve met those before, actually.
LAURENCE [going to case for antacid tablet]: Beverly!
BEVERLY: Ang, I can just see it, right, the music’s thumping away, and your Tone’s lying on the floor, and there’s all these girls, right, you know, piling on top of him, and your Tone just turns over, and goes to sleep.
LAURENCE: That’s enough, Beverly!!
BEVERLY: Oh, Christ, Laurence! Every time I’m enjoying myself …!
LAURENCE: Can’t you see you’re embarrassing Sue?
BEVERLY: Oh, now I’m sorry, Sue. Now, listen, I didn’t mean to embarrass you, Sue; it was only a little joke; all right?
ANGELA: You see, Sue’s not been feeling too good, anyway.
BEVERLY: No.
LAURENCE: Oh, really? What’s been the problem, Sue?
LAURENCE: That’s all right, thank you, Beverly! Sue can speak for herself!
ANGELA: You see, she’s had a few too many gin-and-tonics, and you’ve not had any tea, have you?
SUSAN: No.
BEVERLY: No.
LAURENCE [offering her a cheese-pineapple savoury]: Well, would you like one of these, Sue?
SUSAN: Er, no, thank you.
BEVERLY: Laurence, she doesn’t want one of those on an empty stomach, now does she?
LAURENCE: A sandwich, then. Would you like a sandwich, Sue?
SUSAN: No, thank you.
BEVERLY: Laurence, she doesn’t want a sandwich!
LAURENCE: Well, I want a sandwich! Now do you want a sandwich, Sue, yes or no?!
SUSAN: No. Thank you.
LAURENCE: Okay. Fine!
[Laurence rushes to the kitchen, and starts to make a sandwich.]
BEVERLY: I hope it chokes you!
[Laurence rushes back from the kitchen, with a kitchen-knife in one hand, and a tub of margarine in the other.]
LAURENCE [pointing the knife at Beverly]: What did you say, Beverly?
BEVERLY [shrieking]: Oh, Christ, Ang, I’m going to get stabbed.
LAURENCE: Don’t tempt me.
BEVERLY: Well, go on, then: do it!
[Pause. Then Beverly pushes away the knife.]
BEVERLY: Laurence, would you please go back in the kitchen and finish making your little sandwich, all right?
[Pause.]
LAURENCE: Are you sure you don’t want a sandwich, Sue?
SUSAN: Yes. Thank you.
LAURENCE: Fine.
[Laurence goes back to the kitchen. Pause. Then the front door bell chimes. Angela and Beverly shriek with renewed mirth.]
ANGELA: Oh, he’s here at last. They must’ve let him out!
BEVERLY: They’ve obviously had their fill!
[The following from offstage:]
TONY: Everything all right?
LAURENCE: What d’you mean?
TONY: I wondered where you’d got to.
LAURENCE: Yes, well, I wondered where you’d got to. Come in.
TONY: What’s that for?
LAURENCE: I’m making a sandwich! Go in.
[Laurence returns to kitchen. Enter Tony. He looks slightly flushed and dishevelled.]
ANGELA: Where’ve you been?
TONY: Southend.
ANGELA: Did you enjoy yourself there?
TONY: Wonderful!
ANGELA: Where’ve you been? – Laurence has been back for ages.
TONY [to Susan]: Everything’s all right – nothing to worry about!
SUSAN: Good. Not too rowdy?
TONY: No.
SUSAN: Thank you.
TONY: ’t’s all right.
[Beverly has joined Tony near the bar.]
BEVERLY: Would you like a drink?
TONY: Yes, please.
BEVERLY: What would you like?
TONY: Light ale, please.
BEVERLY: Like a little Bacardi to go with it?
TONY: No, thank you.
BEVERLY: Are you sure?
TONY: Yeah.
BEVERLY: Are you all right?
TONY: Yeah.
BEVERLY: Great!
[She fixes the drink, whilst:]
SUSAN: Was Abigail all right?
TONY: I think so.
SUSAN: You saw her?
TONY: I didn’t actually see her, but I think she’s all right.
BEVERLY [giving drink]: Tone.
TONY: Ta.
BEVERLY: Your shirt’s all wet.
ANGELA: What is it?
TONY: Nothing.
BEVERLY [feeling his chest]: But you’re soaking wet!
ANGELA [getting up]: What’ve you been doing?
TONY: Nothing.
[Angela feels his chest.]
Get off! [To Susan] I just bumped into somebody accidentally – minor incident: nothing to worry about.
BEVERLY: D’you want to sit down, Tone?
TONY: Ta.
ANGELA: Laurence didn’t come back with his shirt all wet, did he?
BEVERLY: Dead right he didn’t. Laurence comes back looking like he’s spent a day at the office.
ANGELA: I don’t think you two have been to the same party, have you?
TONY: ’Course we’ve been to the same party. What are you talking about?
BEVERLY: Ah, lay off her, Tone – she’s only having a little joke.
ANGELA: See what I mean?
TONY: What?
[Susan gets up.]
BEVERLY: Are you all right, Sue?
SUSAN: Yes. But I think I’d better go and see Abigail myself.
BEVERLY: No, Sue, please. Don’t go down there. Now, listen to me, Sue: you know what Abigail is like, now, she’s only going to shout at you, and then you’ll be upset. Now please, Sue, come on, sit down. Now look, Tony’s only just come back – now, it was all right, wasn’t it, Tone?
TONY: Oh, yeah.
BEVERLY: Yeah?
TONY: There’s nothing to worry about.
SUSAN: Are you sure?
TONY: Yep.
BEVERLY: Yeah – now come on, Sue, sit down. Now I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll put a little record on for us, ey? Yeah! Then we can all have a little listen to that, yeah. Now, let’s see what we’ve got … Tell you what now, look, Sue: d’you like Elvis?
SUSAN: Yes, he’s all right.
BEVERLY: Yeah, he was great, wasn’t ’ee? D’you like him, Ang?
ANGELA: Mmm.
BEVERLY: Yeah. Now we’ll put this on for Sue …
[Beverly puts on the record (Elvis Presley: Elvis’s 40 greatest, Track One, Don’t). Whilst she is doing so:
ANGELA: Is Abigail always having parties?
SUSAN: No.
[Pause.]
BEVERLY: Ready, Ang?
ANGELA: Mmm.
[The music starts.]
BEVERLY: Oh, isn’t he great?
ANGELA: Yeah!
BEVERLY: Yeah. [Pause.] I won’t be a sec, I’m just going to the toilet, all right?
[Exit Beverly.
Laurence, having finished making his sandwich, has been sitting with it for some time at the dining table. As she passes him on her way, Beverly gives him a squeeze.
Long pause.
Laurence gets up, adjusts his dress, and goes to the stereo. He turns down the volume.]
LAURENCE: That’s better. Now at least we can hear ourselves think.
ANGELA: D’you want to sit here.
LAURENCE: No, thank you.
ANGELA: Come on …
LAURENCE: No, thanks!!
TONY: Steady!
[Pause.]
LAURENCE: I expect you’ve seen a few changes since you’ve been here, eh, Sue?
SUSAN: Not really, no.
ANGELA: When did you move here?
SUSAN: In 1968.
ANGELA: Oh, you’ve been here a long time, then, haven’t you?
SUSAN: Yes.
ANGELA: D’you think you’ll stay here?
SUSAN: Till the children are older.
ANGELA: Oh, yes, then I suppose when you’re on your own, you’ll get somewhere a little bit smaller?
SUSAN: Yes, I expect so.
LAURENCE: Oh, come on, Sue – surely you must have seen some changes?
SUSAN: Well … there are the new houses on the other side of Ravensway.
LAURENCE: Ah, yes, the houses! But what about the people?
SUSAN: What about them?
LAURENCE: The class of people, now don’t you think that’s changed.
SUSAN: Not really, no.
LAURENCE: The tone of the area – don’t you feel it’s altered?
SUSAN: Not particularly.
LAURENCE: You don’t think it’s gone down?
SUSAN: No.
[Pause.]
LAURENCE: And you, Tony, yes, come on, what do you think, eh?
TONY: I wouldn’t know, would I?
LAURENCE: Oh, no – of course! You’ve only just moved in yourselves, haven’t you?
ANGELA: Yes.
TONY: Yes.
LAURENCE: Yes! Drink?
TONY: No, thank you.
LAURENCE: Angela?
ANGELA: Please.
[Laurence takes Angela’s glass, and proceeds to fix her drink.]
SUSAN: It’s more mixed, that’s all.
LAURENCE: Mixed? Yes, I suppose you could say it was mixed! – More cosmopolitan.
SUSAN: There’s nothing wrong with that.
LAURENCE: Oh, you don’t think there’s anything wrong with that?
SUSAN: No, I don’t.
LAURENCE: Well, that’s a matter of opinion. Would you like another drink, Sue?
SUSAN: I’m just drinking soda-water, thank you.
LAURENCE: Fine: would you like some more soda-water?
SUSAN: Thank you.
LAURENCE [getting Susan’s glass]: We like to keep our guests happy. [Fixing Susan’s drink] Do you read, Tony?
TONY: Sometimes.
LAURENCE [giving drink]: Sue.
SUSAN: Thank you.
LAURENCE: Have you read any Dickens?
ANGELA: Oh, yes. I’ve read David Copperfield.
LAURENCE: David Copperfield? Well, I have the Complete Works here.
[He takes one book out, and displays it.]
ANGELA: Oh, they’re a lovely set, aren’t they?
LAURENCE [demonstrating book]: Yes, they are very well-bound. They’re embossed in gold.
ANGELA: Mmm … really nice.
[Laurence displays it briefly to Tony; then goes over to Sue for a demonstration.]
LAURENCE: Sue
SUSAN: Very nice.
[He shows her the pages, then offers it to her.]
LAURENCE: Please!
SUSAN [taking book]: Thank you!
LAURENCE: And just what do you read, eh, Tony?
TONY: All sorts.
LAURENCE: All sorts! – well, for instance?
ANGELA: What was that one you were reading?
TONY: Computer Crime.
LAURENCE: Computer Crime!! – ooh, that sounds interesting. D’you know Shakespeare?
TONY: Not personally. I read it at school, yeah.
LAURENCE: Oh, at school!
[Laurence has gone to his set of Shakespeares.
Enter Beverly and sits down.
Laurence takes out one volume, demonstrates it, then selects a page.]
Macbeth. [Pause.] Part of our heritage. [Pause; he puts it back.] Of course, it’s not something you can actually read. Sue?
SUSAN [returning Dickens]: Thank you.
[Laurence replaces Dickens.]
ANGELA: Your house is a lot older than ours, isn’t it?
SUSAN: Yes.
LAURENCE: Sue: 1936. Yes?
SUSAN: I’m not sure. But it was built before the war.
LAURENCE: I thought so.
ANGELA: Oh, there’s nothing wrong with an old house. I mean, there’s some quite nice ones. I like old and I like new. I like those old Tudor houses round here.
LAURENCE: No, Angela: Mock-Tudor.
ANGELA: Are they?
LAURENCE: Oh, yes. There are some real Tudor properties in Hadley Village itself. But the ones you’re thinking of are Mock-Tudor.
ANGELA: The trouble with old houses is they haven’t got any central heating.
LAURENCE: Ah, yes, but of course central heating can be installed into older properties. It may cause some shrinkage of the beams, etcetera, but, if it’s done by an expert, there shouldn’t be any problems. D’you know the Belvedere Hotel?
ANGELA: Yes. Yes, I do.
LAURENCE: Yes, well, originally, on that site stood a Tudor mansion.
ANGELA: Oh, it doesn’t look very old.
LAURENCE: No, no, the present property is late Victorian – neo-Gothic. No, no, the original building, the mansion house, was Tudor. They owned all the land round here.
BEVERLY: D’you want another, Ang?
LAURENCE: I’ve seen to the drinks, thank you, Beverly!
[The following dialogue runs simultaneously with the preceding passage, and starts after Laurence’s line ‘It may cause some shrinkage of the beams’.]
BEVERLY: You all right, Sue?
SUSAN: Yes, thank you.
BEVERLY: You don’t feel sick again, do you?
SUSAN: No.
BEVERLY: No.
SUSAN: No. It seems to be settling.
BEVERLY: Good. You all right, Tone?
TONY: Yes, thank you.
BEVERLY: Great.
[Beverly gets up and goes over to Tony.]
D’you want a drink?
TONY: Ta.
BEVERLY: D’you want another, Ang?
LAURENCE: I’ve seen to the drinks, thank you, Beverly!
BEVERLY: Oh, I’m sorry, Laurence: it’s just that I can’t hear through two brick walls.
[Beverly goes to the bar.]
LAURENCE: Yes, er … it was all part of the Belvedere Estate.
BEVERLY: Laurence, would you like to turn that record up, please?
LAURENCE: How can we hold a conversation with that racket blaring out?
BEVERLY: Laurence, we’re not here to hold conversations, we are here to enjoy ourselves. And for your information, that racket happens to be the King of Rock’n’Roll.
LAURENCE: Oh, really? Well, I always thought that Bill Haley was the King of Rock’n’Roll!
[Beverly turns the volume up. Laurence turns it off. Beverly goes to turn it on; Laurence grabs her arm. Pause: they are locked together.]