by Celeste Lim
Huanan? I couldn’t help a chuckle that hurt my chest. Would my own family welcome me home? Aunt Mei would get really mad, but surely even she would understand if I told them what a horrid fate I was running away from? Wei would be happy—no, he would be thrilled. And Baba…would he stand for such a thing to happen to me?
This was my sign. My family might have given me away, but Huanan was the only place that had ever made me feel like I belonged—it was the home of my spirit. My roots.
Yes, I would go home.
But I mustn’t be rash. I rubbed Mama’s bangle. It felt cool and soothing. The journey home from Xiawan would take at least three to four days on foot. If I wanted to make it back home alive in this harsh weather, I would need careful planning, preparation, and probably even some help.
Judging from what I had just overheard, I had one day before someone came in for the inspection and probably take me away. Which meant I had little time.
Very little.
I felt a certain kind of tightness in my stomach the next day, as though I had eaten an entire basket of sour mandarins. It was probably due to anxiety, and the fact that I hadn’t slept at all. I had spent the entire night working out a plan of escape, and finally came to the conclusion that I would need the help of two key people to facilitate my plan.
Jun’an and Auntie San.
The best time to take action was during the night, when everyone was fast asleep. Auntie San could help me obtain directions or a map to Huanan. I would walk. Horse carriage and other rides were out of the question because those only ran during the day, and I didn’t have enough money anyway.
The moment Auntie San stepped into the kitchen, I dove into her arms and told her everything. As horrified at the Guos as any person should be, the kind cook immediately agreed to help. “You can count on your auntie San, my child. I’ll never let anyone send you to such a place! To be an entertainer of men? The very idea! I will have everything you need by the time you’re ready to leave.”
Auntie San pretended to have caught a bad cold and took her leave from Liu. “You wouldn’t want me to be working in the kitchen with this, would you?” She paused as she coughed dramatically. “I’ve already instructed Jing on what to do in the kitchen today. She’ll manage fine, that lass.” And with that, Auntie San hurried out of the door and disappeared around the bend.
The baomu turned out to be an old, wizened lady who managed the chinglou. The first thing I noticed about her after entering the room was how yellow her eyes were where they should have been white. She attempted something that resembled a smile. I couldn’t help noticing that her teeth were as yellow as her eyes.
The mistress told me that the baomu was a family doctor who was here for a simple health inspection. I sucked at the insides of my cheeks. Would I have been fooled by this lie if I hadn’t already known the truth? Gazing at the frail, yellow lady, who looked as though she could drop dead at any moment, I decided I wouldn’t have.
When Mrs. Guo closed the door behind us and ordered me to pay respects, I sank into a kowtow. “Nin hao, Doctor,” I greeted her without looking up, and then was struck by an unsettling sense of déjà vu as my chin was lifted up. Those slightly sunken, yellow eyes ogled my face, stopping to gaze hungrily at the mole between my eyebrows.
“Hmm…this would do,” the baomu muttered indistinctly to herself. “This would do very well indeed.”
It was almost all I could do to refrain from grimacing as the lady’s rancid tobacco breath overwhelmed my nostrils. Finally, the baomu let go of me.
“How old are you, girl?”
I bowed before answering. “I’ll be turning thirteen in the middle of spring.”
The old lady’s twig-like fingers wiggled as she did a mental calculation. “Year of the golden ram…an intelligent girl, no doubt,” she said, though it did not sound like she meant it as a compliment. “Stand up and turn around.”
The baomu measured my height and weight, then barked at me to raise my hands as she measured my waist. And when the old lady delivered a hard pinch on my behind, I yelped.
“Firm and healthy muscles, that’s what we like to see,” she said. My hopes rose when she lifted my hands and frowned at my unsightly scars. Mrs. Guo shifted in her seat.
“These won’t go away,” I said, even though I hadn’t been addressed.
The mistress almost glared a hole through my chest, and I had to hold back a smirk. Then the baomu let go of my hands and turned to Mrs. Guo. “The examination is done. She may be excused.”
“Get out of here, Jing.”
I got up hastily, but stayed right outside after I closed the doors.
“She’s passed,” said the baomu.
Passed. If only I knew how to disqualify myself. Perhaps if I marred my appearance in some irreparable way…? I winced just at the thought. I had enough people abusing me without doing it to myself.
“Listen, Jun’an. A chinglou…is…it’s a bad place,” I said as I kneeled with my hands on his shoulders. We were in my room, and it was late in the evening. Very late. I had checked the incense clock moments ago, making sure that it was in fact so late that everyone else in the house was sure to be asleep. I figured out that I’d be going to the chinglou the next morning when the mistress instructed me to visit the doctor’s clinic to collect the prescribed medicinal herbs. That night was my final chance to escape. I had crept to the bedroom doors of each of the Guo family members in turn, just to be sure that everyone was fast asleep, before going to Jun’an’s room.
“But why are they sending you there?” my little husband cried, horrified at the idea. “They can’t send you to a bad place! What if something happens to you?”
I covered his mouth.
“Shh…Jun’an, let’s try to be a little quieter, shall we?” I tried to explain in whispers. “Your father is having a…well, a problem, and he needs money to fix it. That is why I have to be sold, so that…” I swallowed. “So that your family will have money.”
“They can’t do that! I don’t want money. I won’t let them do that to you.”
“Which is why I have to go away, and you have to help me. I can’t go to that place…” I had tried to imagine life at the chinglou. None of the possibilities I could think of had a bearable ending. I began to shake. “I—I might die.”
“You won’t die, Jing. I will help you. I won’t let you die.” As though it were contagious, my little husband began to cry as well, but instead of dabbing his own tears, his plump little hand reached out to wipe away mine.
And at that moment, I knew that if there was anything from my life here that I would miss, it would be Jun’an. I gathered his trembling body into my arms and held him tight. This was me and Wei all over again…Could I take this wonderful child with me? But I could never give Jun’an the kind of life his family did. And what right had I to expect Baba to take him in? I might not even be welcomed myself.
We made our way toward the wooden gates in the backyard. Jun’an’s role in my plan was to shut and bolt the door after I left so that I would not be missed too soon. Before stepping over the threshold, I kneeled to his height.
He gazed at me with his lovely round eyes. “Will you ever come back?”
“I—I don’t know…”
“I will miss you, Jing…I will really, really miss you! Will I never see you again?”
His trembling hands told me that Jun’an was trying his hardest not to make a fuss. To him, my happiness took precedence over his, and it broke my heart.
I pulled him into another hug. My tears felt hot against my cheeks. “Maybe by the time I return, you’ll be all grown up, but Jun’an, I promise you that someday, we will meet again. You are my husband, and we share this thing called yuan, like a ribbon that ties us together. So don’t forget me, all right?”
All this while, hope was what had carried me through my darkest times, and I couldn’t bring myself to leave this young boy with none.
“I won’t, ever ever ever,”
he said, hugging me back.
And it was with this hope in each other’s hearts that we were finally able to break apart. I kissed Jun’an on his forehead and was just about to get up when we heard a deep, guttural voice.
“It’s a little cold to be out for a midnight stroll, isn’t it?”
I froze as I glanced up at the mistress’s face, so twisted from fury that it stunned me like a spell.
“See, Mama? I told you I heard a sound from Jun’an’s room,” Yunli said.
Before I could run, my hair was grabbed by the handful and I was yanked back through the doors. I whimpered from the searing pain in my scalp. Jun’an screamed.
“So you think you can just get up and walk out on this household whenever you please, hmm?” Mrs. Guo sneered in my face.
“Please, Mistress…,” I sobbed. “You can’t send me to a chinglou. I’ll go anywhere but there, please—”
“Mama, please don’t send Jing to a bad place.” Jun’an clung to his mother’s arm as though his life depended on it. “Don’t send her away, Mama. I love her!”
Mrs. Guo’s tone immediately softened as she spoke to her son. “Now be good, my son. Jing was lying to you. Mama promises you that it isn’t a bad place at all—”
I could not let them do this to me.
“No!” I began to struggle under the woman’s grip. “No, it’s an evil place! I shall die if I go there!”
Abruptly, my left ear hummed with the aftereffect of a sharp, resounding slap.
“Why, you scheming, insolent little imp!” the mistress hissed in my ear. “How is it that you, a lowly tongyang xi, could consider yourself in any place to argue against my decisions? And do you think that getting my son on your side would make it harder for me to give you up?” Somehow, watching Jun’an crying so piteously, relentlessly begging her to release me, made Mrs. Guo even more furious. She yanked my head up close and snarled. “Seeing as how you will soon belong to that chinglou, I will spare you the zanzhi this time.” She turned to her daughters. “Get Liu!”
At her command, Yunmin scuttled off and soon came back with the sleepy-eyed butler. Mrs. Guo shoved me at him and I felt grips tighter than vises clamp onto my upper arms.
“Take her to Yuegong Lou now,” the mistress barked, embracing her son.
It was no use. I couldn’t escape these strong hands. But still I struggled. I reached out for mercy, for anything that might save me.
“Please, Mistress; you pray to Guan Yin, don’t you? For the goddess of mercy, for your own son, please do not send me there. I’ll do anything…”
Liu started to steer me away, but Mrs. Guo held out her hand.
“Wait!”
There was an urgency in her voice that made my heart stop. Had I convinced her to change her mind?
She walked over and grabbed my left wrist. Mama’s bangle reflected the moonlight, dark and beautiful.
No…
Mrs. Guo grinned. “I knew I forgot something.” And with that, she began to twist the bangle off my wrist. “You won’t be needing this at the chinglou; they will dress you up prettier than a flower.”
“No! That’s my mama’s bangle—don’t take it from me! It’s my only memento of her!” I sobbed and struggled and pleaded as pain spread from where the woman was forcefully twisting and tugging at Mama’s bangle.
“Shut up! Help me, girls!” She heaved and huffed.
Yunli rolled her eyes and disappeared into the kitchen, but Yunmin came over, pushing Jun’an aside, and began pinching my waist. “Give it up, you greedy little thing!”
But the bangle wouldn’t come off. I was glad. I would bear any amount of pain to keep it. They would have to twist my hand off, and that wouldn’t do if they wanted to sell me. Then Yunli appeared with a bowl.
“Move over, stupid,” she snapped at Yunmin, and dumped its content over my wrist.
It was oil.
The bangle slipped right off.
“There,” said Mrs. Guo, straightening up and studying the jewelry in her hand. “This might just fetch a decent price at the pawnshop.”
Stop, Jing. Just stop. It will only add to their pleasure. The sisters were leering. I bit down on my tongue. I stopped struggling and concentrated on the pain in my mouth and the taste of my blood. I imagined it was theirs. If it delighted them to see me suffer, I wasn’t going to put up an overly enjoyable show.
I lifted my chin and looked straight at the woman. “I knew you never liked me, Mrs. Guo, and I never liked you, either. Therefore, before I leave, I want you to know that I hope no good ever comes out of the things you reap at the expense of others. Karma will find you and make you pay tenfold for all the suffering that you have inflicted upon others.” I did not blink once as I said this, and I could tell it unsettled her.
Jun’an’s sobs were ceaseless, and he struggled wildly against his mother’s arms as Liu firmly steered me away. “Jing! Nooo! Don’t go…don’t go! Oh, please, Mama, let me go! Jiiiiing!”
Before the doors closed behind me, I looked back, but I neither saw nor heard anyone but Jun’an.
Saw him kicking and struggling, heard him crying and howling like a wounded animal, his voice filled with so much grief that with every sob, it felt to me like a piece of flesh was being sliced off my living body.
Liu’s grip on my forearm never loosened throughout our journey. He walked briskly, and a few times I almost tripped in the snow trying to keep up. His mouth was pressed into a hard, straight line. Liu had always been a stiff man of very few words, but tonight, even though he didn’t have to, he took the time to tell me about this place to which I was going.
“The baomu, Madam Qia, is the owner of the chinglou. The mistress has been given a deposit, but the full amount will only be paid after Madam Qia has assessed your potential and decided to keep you. Whatever full amount you fetch will completely depend on the baomu’s evaluation of how much of an asset you could be to the chinglou…” The man drifted off, but his eyes continued to glower at the road straight ahead. “There is no way you can change or reverse what is about to happen, but the least you can do is behave. Then perhaps you may still be able to be of some help to Jun’an and his family.”
I almost bit my tongue again trying to hold back from screaming that the last thing I wanted was to help that hateful woman and her daughters. But Liu had been tactful to mention my soft spot. Would I really go through with this for Jun’an’s sake? What would happen to him if I didn’t?
I glanced up. The hard lines between the man’s eyebrows and the tightened veins down his neck made me wonder about the possibility of persuading him to let me go.
Silly Jing, in your dreams he would. Unlike Auntie San, Liu would never do anything to cross his employer. And could I really blame him? For after all, he was a man who had a family to feed. And if my own family in Huanan wouldn’t protect me from such a fate, what could an outsider like him do?
The streets were dark except for the light that came from the lanterns hanging at the front doors of the houses we trudged past. The red and orange lights cast an ominous glow on the snow that made it look as though the ground was covered in blood. Somewhere on the next street, the time keeper rang his gong twice, signaling the hour of the ox. Other than a few yamen officials on night duty, there was not a soul on the streets. Although I was tempted to scream, I’d be foolish to do so—selling helpless and unwilling girls to the chinglou was not against the law.
When we arrived in the central area of town, Liu stopped in front of a huge four-level building that, even in the night, shone like a palace, with light pouring out from all its windows, doors, and balconies. I saw a red wooden signboard over the arch at the entrance, illuminated by two red lanterns hanging on each side. It had three characters written on it in big, confident strokes of gold:
Although I didn’t recognize the words, I was quite certain they read Yuegong Lou.
After crossing the expansive garden and stepping into the reception hall, I was stunned like a
freshly caught fish. Yuegong Lou was unlike any place I had ever been in. The circular brick entrance opened into a spacious reception hall with a ceiling crisscrossed with red wooden beams that reached as high as the top of the building. Bright red lacquered pillars rose from the foundations and supported the entire structure from inside. I could clearly see each of the three levels above us from the corridor landings that spanned across all four sides of the building. Under the archway of the entrance stood a huge bronze incense clock shaped like a phoenix.
I had never beheld such a grand and magnificent interior, and would never have imagined such a place could be the home of courtesans.
But as soon as the baomu appeared, I stumbled back. What now? What would happen? What was this woman going to make me do?
The old lady hobbled up to us, grunted with approval as she saw me, and turned to Liu. “I’m sure Mrs. Guo has her reasons for bringing the girl in earlier than expected,” she muttered in an oily sort of voice. She handed Liu a stack of that hateful paper money, on which I dearly wished to spit, and said, “I’d like a word before you leave, Mr. Liu.”
“Certainly, Madam Qia.” Liu nodded.
Behind the baomu stood a cluster of women, and I couldn’t help noticing how beautiful and elaborately dressed they were. As soon as Liu left my side, they completely surrounded me. The women touched my skin, face, hair, and turned me round and round while remarking on my appearance, chattering nineteen to the dozen like a cage full of mynahs.
“Oh, such smooth and delicate skin! I remember when mine used to feel like that,” cooed one of them with a lovely but heavily made-up face.
“That must have been decades ago, Feier!” laughed another, who was dressed in a most gaudy lime-green hanfu with heavy silver brocades. I felt the bangs of hair that covered my forehead being swept up.
“Girls, we may have an intelligent one; look at the high forehead,” said a voice that sounded less high-pitched. I dared a glance and saw a perfect heart-shaped face, framed by wisps of carefully curled locks on each side.