by Brian Bakos
Rackenfauz shook his head. “I’d like to help you, but such a project is way outside my skill set.”
Star’s world darkened. “Isn’t there anything you can do?”
“Are you kidding?” Rackenfauz said. “All that nerve ending circuitry and emotion programming – the myriad lust routines? I wouldn’t know where to begin.”
He gestured around the room. “And I didn’t bring any components from Mech City that could be of use to such a project.”
“Ohhh.” Star covered her face with her hands.
“Try not to let it get you down, young lady,” Rackenfauz said. “Maybe you can take up knitting or something.”
“Why was I made the way I am?” Star moaned. “Who did this to me?”
“Oh, that was Dr. Jerry Che,” Rackenfauz said. “Real helluva guy! He had some rather kinky tastes, though, if you ask me.”
“Che would be pleased,” Star murmured.
“That’s right,” Rackenfauz said. “You were the culmination of his life’s work. Did you know there’s a whole syndrome named after him, too?”
“And he’s dead now with all the others, isn’t he?” Star said.
“Very likely.” Rackenfauz said with deep regret. “Anyway, he had to go back to the West Coast Robotics Center before you were activated. We lost touch.”
A glimmer of hope flickered up in Star’s breast.
“Hold on,” she said, “isn’t that where you sent the vaccines?”
“Yes.”
“Then maybe Dr. Che survived, too?”
“Perhaps,” Rackenfauz said, “if he used the vaccines. If they ever got there, that is.”
Star’s eyes flashed. Dr. Rackenfauz stroked his stubbly chin, the same reflective gesture that Winston used so often.
“Getting back to your issue,” he said, “the actual physical apparatus is not much of a problem. I constructed some a while ago when I was bored.”
“Really?” Star’s voice had shot up a full octave.
“Yes, it’s around here somewhere.”
Rackenfauz rifled through a cabinet, found nothing, examined another cabinet.
“Ah, here we go!”
He held up an amply proportioned set of male genitalia. Star gulped, she gripped the workbench for support.
“Not bad, eh?” Rackenfauz said. “I modeled it on Michelangelo’s David.”
He pushed a remote control button, and the penis sprang erect.
“Oh!” Star gasped.
Her eyes bugged out, and her mouth dropped open; a lascivious, almost feral expression contorted her face. Rackenfauz examined his handiwork with fatherly pride.
“It meets your approval, then?” he asked.
Star managed a jerky nod. “Y-yes.”
“It could be real hot stuff, all right,” Rackenfauz said.
He deflated the penis. Star suddenly wilted, too.
“Maybe I have too much free time, eh?” Rackenfauz said. “Getting a little boingy in the head.”
“No ... no! It’s a wonderful start, Doctor.” Star grabbed Rackenfauz’s arm. “Can you install it?”
Rackenfauz turned thoughtful again. He studied the genitalia, looked over at Winston, examined the apparatus again. He rubbed his stubbly chin. Then he unhitched Winston’s crotch cover and examined the groin compartment’s dimensions.
“Mmm,” he said, “I’m surprised they didn’t jam this up with data banks.”
He looked toward Star. “Anna had him converted to a walking library, you know.”
“Yes, Winston told me about that,” Star said.
“She wanted me to do the work, but I was ‘indisposed,’ so they sent that Leonid jerk instead. Perhaps you remember him, he was at your activation.”
I don’t care about Leonid! Star’s mind screamed.
Rackenfauz turned back to his examination of Winston. Star’s fingers curled into attack position.
Come on, come on, say “yes” before I rip you apart!
“Yes, it could be done,” Rackenfauz finally said. “It wouldn’t take any particular skill.”
Star sagged with relief.
“But the apparatus wouldn’t be functional – except in a purely mechanistic fashion, as you’ve seen,” Rackenfauz said. “You’d need a specialist to do the required programming and nerve end hook ups – install a full epidermis with pleasure sensors, such as the one you have.”
“Somebody like Jerry Che?” Star asked.
“Precisely,” Rackenfauz said, “he’d have it up and at your service in nothing flat, so to speak.”
“Can I keep the ... apparatus, Doctor?” Star asked.
“I suppose so, if you want.”
She groped for the genitalia, but Rackenfauz jerked it away and held up a finger.
“You may have it under one condition,” he said.
“What?” Star practically shouted.
“Get rid of that damned head for me, and the birds, too,” Rackenfauz said. “I’m sick to death of them all.”
“Sure thing,” Star said.
***
Two hours later, Winston was up and strolling the room on his new leg. It was an excellent fit – the same length as his old one, although a bit larger in diameter. Dr. Rackenfauz looked on with professional satisfaction.
“How does it feel, young fellow?” he asked.
“Wonderful!” Winston said. “Thank you so much, Doctor.”
“Always a pleasure to be of service,” Rackenfauz said with theatrical modesty.
“It feels stronger than before, actually,” Winston said.
“That new limb is more powerful than the original one,” Rackenfauz said. “The ... donor weighed more than you. So, I upgraded your other leg to match.”
“Yes, sir!” Winston said.
“Wouldn’t want you to be unbalanced,” Rackenfauz added. “It’s a matter of professional ethics.”
Winston pointed to a leather bag hanging from Star’s shoulder. “What’s that, Star?”
“Don’t concern yourself about this, honey.” She patted the bag. “It’s just a little something to file away for future reference.”
“Are you ready to go back now, young fellow?” Rackenfauz said. “I think the sooner you get to work on the head transfer the better.”
Winston straightened himself to his full height and braced his weight equally on his two strong legs.
“Certainly I am, Doctor. Lead on!”
51: Diplomacy Time
Rackenfauz stepped to the window and shouted into his translator. Soon a mass of birds was heading down toward them from the tower apex.
“Those birds are very useful, aren’t they?” Winston said.
“Yes,” Rackenfauz said, “but they’ve become a great annoyance to me.”
“How so?” Star asked.
“They’re always getting in my way and taking things much too literally,” Rackenfauz said.
“Subtlety is not their strong point, then?” Winston asked.
“That’s right,” Rackenfauz said. “I once joked that I needed a second head to keep up with my work, so they went and got me one!”
He yowled sarcastically.
“‘Take it back,’ I said, but by that time they were worshipping the damn thing. They ensconced it upstairs like some half baked emperor.”
Winston and Star traded astonished glances. With so many revelations coming thick and fast, they hadn’t even thought to inquire as to why Ajax’s head had been brought to this strange location.
“At least it’s kept the birds out of my hair for the most part.” Rackenfauz stroked his bald pate. “They demand far too much attention. They’re like those obnoxious dogs that can’t bear to be away from their master.”
The escort birds arrived and began wafting them up toward the tower summit. Compared to the earlier dive bomber descent, this ride was almost sedate.
“Is that why Iri is so aloof?” Star asked. “He’s always taking off on his own.”
&n
bsp; “Right, I programmed his personality that way myself,” Rackenfauz said. “I can’t stand a clingy animal, especially a robotic one.”
Winston looked up toward the tower. “I just hope they cling to us a bit longer.”
“At first I was happy when they transferred their allegiance away from me,” Rackenfauz said, “but things have really gone south since the head’s turned boingy. It’s getting worse all the time.”
Their escort birds dropped them gently through the tower windows and retreated up into their ceiling roost. Rackenfauz brushed off his shabby lab coat. Away from his workshop power base, he once again resembled an eccentric old bunko artist.
Iri looked Winston over. “Hey, nice work, Papa!”
“Thank you, Iridium.” Rackenfauz waggled his fingers. “It was fun to dust off the old mechanical repair skills again.”
The head suddenly began talking in a sonorous voice: “To be or not to be ...”
All the attached heads swiveled its direction.
“It’s been saying things like that ever since you left,” Iri commented.
“Yes, yes,” Rackenfauz said. “Those birds let it read some of my books, big mistake.”
“Ka Blippity Blip!” the head cried.
“Ach!” Rackenfauz said. “It’s going loco, too long away from its host.”
“What will happen when we reunite the head with the rest of Ajax?” Winston said.
“It should recover okay,” Rackenfauz said, “provided Ajax’s supplemental brain unit is still functioning properly. The meld could take a little while, though.”
“Good,” Winston said.
“Then again, maybe it’s in permanent fruit cake mode,” Rackenfauz said. “Who knows? The way established theory has been turned upside down, you can expect anything these days.”
“Oh, dear,” Star said.
Rackenfauz handed Winston the translator tube. “Better get started, young fellow. You must persuade the birds to transport the head back to Mech City for you.”
“You mean, we can’t just take it with us?” Winston asked.
“Oh, no, it’s all a package deal,” Rackenfauz said. “Those birds would never leave the cabeza out of their sight for an instant.”
Winston took the translator cautiously, as if he were handling a mech snake. The atmosphere turned suddenly dark and grim. The elation he’d experienced from his makeover retreated behind a wall of anxiety.
“Good luck,” Rackenfauz said. “I think you’re going to need it.”
“What happens if Winston can’t persuade them?” Star asked.
Rackenfauz grinned. “Let me just put it this way, it’s a mighty long drop without a parachute.”
Winston and Star recoiled, even Iridium lost his usual aplomb. Dr. Rackenfauz seemed positively cheerful, however. Winston moved to a window and looked out to the flagstones far below. He cast an apprehensive glimpse at Star.
“You don’t have to do it,” she said. “We could just keep going – on to the West Coast.”
A glorious vision entered Winston’s mind: himself walking into the sunset hand in hand with Star. To hell with Mech City and this stupid quest!
“Don’t forget your promise, young lady,” Rackenfauz said. “You want to retain that little package, don’t you?”
“Yes, but – ” Star said.
Winston thudded back from his happy fantasy.
“The Professor’s right, Star,” he said. “I must go through with this, come what may. Everyone in Mech City is counting on us, whether they know it or not.”
“That’s the stuff,” Rackenfauz said. “Now, talk loud and slow into that device, young fellow. Give them the old razz-ma-tazz.”
Winston adjusted his medals so that the impressive Minister of Cultural Development graphic shone to maximum effect. He brought the translator to his lips and spoke in the most authoritative voice he could muster:
“Hail winged guardians of the Great Headship!”
A babble of chirps and squeaks came out the other end of the device. Up in the rafters, mech birds began to move. Others streamed in through the windows. Winston resumed speaking.
“I bring greetings from the lawful Mech City government.”
Suddenly, a great mass of birds dropped from the ceiling, like a black phantom, and joined the others coming in from the outside. They all slithered together with a dry, rustling noise. A mini whirlwind spun across the chamber, forcing Winston back.
Then a dark human-shaped figure loomed high above him, its head obscured in the shadows of the cavernous ceiling. Winston gaped up at it with horror. For a terrible moment, his systems lurched toward the edge of collapse. He knew the birds had this capability, but that scarcely lessened the shock. The professor’s matter of fact voice pulled him back to sanity.
“Don’t ask me how they do that,” Dr. Rackenfauz said. “I sure didn’t design them that way.”
A series of powerful chirps issued from the ghastly composite being.
“W-what is it ... I mean, what are they saying, Doctor?” Winston asked.
“They say get on with it before they lose patience,” Rackenfauz said.
“That’s right, get on with it already!” the head echoed.
Winston returned the translator to his lips.
“Uh ...” He searched his scholar’s vocabulary for the most subtle and discreet words. “It is plain to see that the Great Headship is going off his rocker ... so to speak.”
The creature leaned down ominously. An angry scowl disfigured its dark face. Winston cringed.
“Be careful how you refer to ‘His Headship!’” Rackenfauz said. “The birds are pretty touchy on that subject.”
The dark creature was moving now, drifting like a ghost, forcing Winston back toward a window.
“Stop that!” Star shouted.
She tried to rush to Winston’s side, but Rackenfauz restrained her.
“I wouldn’t do that, young lady.”
Winston was almost out the window now. He shouted desperately into the translator.
“I-I meant no disrespect! His Headship is very ill. We can cure him.”
The dark figure stopped its advance. It returned slowly upright and took a more thoughtful pose. At least it seemed to be listening rather than preparing to do lethal violence. Winston sidled away from the window.
“You must help us convey the Great Headship back to Mech City where he can be reunited with his host,” he said. “Then he will regain his great wisdom and lead us all into a bright new future.”
Rackenfauz applauded. “Bravo! Well put, young fellow.”
But the bird figure seemed unimpressed. It stood with hands on hips, tapping one foot on the carpet. It obviously wasn’t accepting Winston’s explanation as the full story.
“Bloopa doopa!” the head cried.
Not even the bird creature paid any attention to it.
I’d better tell them downside, Winston thought. They’re not going to like it if they find out on their own.
“Evil forces in Mech City control the Great Headship’s host body,” Winston said, “and ... we will have to fight them.”
He lowered the translator in trembling hands.
Okay, here comes the big express trip to the courtyard.
Instead of attacking him, though, the bird creature began to dissolve amid a babble of flutters and chirps.
“What now, Doctor?” Star asked.
“They must debate the issue,” Rackenfauz said.
The birds reformed into two smaller humanoid figures. They faced each other and chirped earnestly, waving their arms around for emphasis. Winston returned to his own group.
“What are they saying, Doc?” he asked.
“The one on the left wants to try your plan,” Rackenfauz said. “The other wants to chuck you out the window immediately.”
“Oh, man,” Winston groaned.
Star grasped Winston’s arm. “They’ll have to throw both of us out!”
&nb
sp; Iri stepped forward. “Make that a trio.”
“Nice touch,” Rackenfauz said. “The birds like theatrics.”
Rackenfauz’s civilized veneer seemed to be cracking, allowing a darker, nihilistic personality to leer out. Winston and Star backed away from him a step, even Iridium looked doubtful.
The argument between the two bird figures became more heated. Auditory unit splitting chirps and shrieks echoed off the walls. The creatures looked ready to come to blows.
Everyone looked on tensely. Even Rackenfauz lost his good cheer, and alarm started creeping into his eyes. Star nestled close to Winston.
“Oh, Winston, even if it ends here, I love you so much.”
Winston wrapped an arm around her waist. “I love you, too, Star.”
Then the bird figures broke up with a startling Poof!
“Ah!” everyone cried.
The birds reformed into a single towering unit. It held out one hand in a thumbs-up gesture.
“Congratulations, young fellow,” Rackenfauz said. “You’ve won!”
“Thank heaven.” Winston sagged against Star. The translator slipped from his grasp and tumbled noiselessly onto the carpet.
But then the bird creature became threatening again. It pointed a finger at Winston and chirped forcefully.
“What’s it saying now?” Winston asked.
Rackenfauz patted him jovially on the back. “It says that if your plan don’t work, you one deep fried robot!”
Six: The Counter Coup
52: Preparations
The dark creature collapsed into its thousands of component parts. The chamber seemed much less dreadful now, as if a demon had been exorcized from it.
A cloud of Mech birds gathered up the head reverently on its velvet cushion and bore it through a window in a long, ceremonial procession.
“Tally-Ho!” the head shouted. “We’re off to see the Wizard!”
The whole chamber was devoid of birds now. A blessed vacuum replaced their chirping, smothering presence.
“At last they’re gone!” Winston said.
“Yeah, and good riddance to that loony cabeza,” Iri said.
“Where are they going with it?” Star asked.
“They’re taking it to my workshop for an overhaul,” Rackenfauz said. “I’ll recharge the power unit and fix the connectors so you can reattach it with minimum fuss.”
“We really appreciate this,” Winston said.
“Ach, don’t mention it,” Rackenfauz said. “I’m delighted to get rid of the damn thing.”
“What will you do next, Professor?” Star asked. “Are you going to stay here?”
“Naw, I’m sick of this place,” Rackenfauz said. “Think I’ll check out the West Coast and see if anybody’s still around at the Robotics Development Center. How’s the air in the lowlands, by the way?”