How do Jewish storeowners celebrate Christmas with their families?
They dance around the cash register singing, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”
*
Why do Jewish girls think prostitution is such good business?
“Ya got it, ya sell it, ya still got it!”
*
What’s a JAP’s idea of perfect sex?
Simultaneous headaches.
*
First Jew: “Do you like pussy cats?”
Second Jew: “Yes, I do, but Pussy Cohen is okay too!”
*
Two old Jews are standing at the urinals in a men’s room. The first Jew glances over and notices that the other one is pissing at an angle.
First Jew: “I see you were circumcised by Rabbi Steinberg.”
Second Jew: “I was, but how can you tell?”
First Jew: “He always cuts on a bias.”
*
Unaware of each other’s presence, an Arab in his tank and an Israeli in his are motoring up opposite sides of the same hill. The two tanks reach the top of the hill at precisely the same instant, and there is a tremendous crash.
The Arab soldier climbs hastily through the hatch of his tank, his arms raised in a gesture of surrender.
Just as quickly, the Israeli leaps from his tank screaming, “WHIPLASH!”
Black
Why do blacks keep chickens in their yards?
To teach their kids how to strut.
*
What do you call a black man on a Palomino horse?
Leroy Rogers.
*
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked down into the water he was horrified to see a black man wrapped in chains lying on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police station. “Sheriff, sheriff,” he gasped, “there’s a black guy wrapped in chains, drowned in the lake!”
“Now ain’t that just like a nigger,” drawled the sheriff, “to take more chain than he can swim with?”
*
What do you call a Mexican Negro?
A wetblack.
*
What do you call holding an orgy at a NAACP meeting?
Getting blackballed.
*
Did you hear Reagan’s staff is creating 500 new jobs for blacks?
They want to expand the National Basketball Association to sixty teams.
Reagan’s also appointing a black ambassador . . . to the Bermuda Triangle.
*
What do you call 50,000 blacks jumping out of a plane?
Night.
*
Did you hear the NFL is going to use green footballs next year?
Ever hear of a black dropping a watermelon?
*
What do you call two black motorcycle cops?
Chocolate CHiPs.
*
What do you call a black hitchhiker?
Stranded.
*
This second-grade teacher decides that each Friday she’ll ask her class a question, a real stumper. If it’s answered correctly, everyone gets Monday off.
On the first Friday, she asks, “How many grains of sand are on a beach 50’ x 50’ and 6’ deep?” Needless to say, no one knows the answer.
On the second Friday the teacher asks, “How many gallons of water are there in the Atlantic Ocean?” This one goes unanswered also, and as the weeks go by, the questions don’t get any better. Finally one kid gets fed up. On Thursday he paints two marbles black and on Friday he takes them to school, rolling them toward the teacher just as she’s about to pose the question. Seeing them, she says, “All right, who’s the comedian with the two black balls?
“Bill Cosby!” shouts the kid. “See ya Tuesday.”
*
What does the Ku Klu Klan call ten white guys beating on a black man?
A fair fight.
*
What do you call a black woman with braces on her teeth?
A Black & Decker pecker wrecker.
*
A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under “Number of children,” she wrote “10,” and where it said “List names of children,” she wrote “Leroy.” When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out, “Now here where it says ‘List names of children,’ you’re supposed to write the names of each one of your children.”
“Dey all named Leroy,” said the black woman.
“That’s very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?” asked the welfare worker.
“Oh, den I uses de last names.”
*
What’s big and white and lives on the bottom of the ocean?
Ku Klux Clam.
*
The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in integration of churches. After a few weeks of checking around, he called headquarters to file his report. “How about the Catholics?” asks his boss.
“The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea.”
“What about the Methodists?”
“They’ve come a long way,” says the agent. “They’re doing just fine.”
“And the Baptists?” asks the boss.
“I just want to know one thing—when they baptize you, how long are they supposed to hold you under?”
*
This big black guy is in the Cadillac showroom eyeballing the most deluxe model, and over his face comes a grin that just won’t quit. Perplexed, the car salesman comes up to him and asks, “Exxcuse me, sir, but are you thinking of buying that car?”
“I ain’t thinking about buying that car,” came the answer. “I is gonna buy that car.”
“Very good, sir. But that car’s very expensive— why are you smiling so much?”
“Cause I’m thinkin’ about pussy!”
*
There’s a new video game called Black Man:
It has two big lips that chase watermelons around the screen.
*
What do you call a black Smurf ?
A Smigger.
*
A black guy riding down the road in his new Caddie is so busy waving to his admirers that he completely misses the turn. Over the five-hundred-foot cliff plunges the car, to be smashed into pieces at the bottom—but no black man in sight. Finally we see him, fifty feet from the top of the cliff, clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. “Dear Lord,” he prays, “I never asked you for nothin’ before, but I’m asking you now: Save me, Lord, save me.”
Booms the Lord: “LET GO OF THE BRANCH.”
“But Lord, if I do that I’ll fall.”
“TRUST ME. LET GO OF THE BRANCH.”
“But Lord, I’m gonna fall and die — ”
“TRUST ME. HAVE I EVER LIED TO YOU BEFORE? LET GO OF THE BRANCH.”
“No, Lord, you’ve never lied to me. Okay, here I go.” And he falls to his death.
“DUMB NIGGER.”
*
What kind of candy should you send a black virgin on Valentine’s Day?
Chocolate-covered cherries.
*
Why does Georgia have blacks and California have earthquakes?
California had first pick.
*
What do you get when you cross a black with Bo Derek?
A “Ten of Spades.”
*
Why don’t blacks drive convertibles?
Because their lips would flap them to death.
*
What happens when you put an Odor-Eater in a black man’s shoes?
He disappears.
*
What is sickle-cell anemia?
AIDS for spades.
*
What does this mean: 1SS - r = 3NOW
1SB
One soul sister on top of a soul brother, minus a rubber, equals three niggers on welfare.
*
T
here was once a wealthy Texan who had an unreasonable dislike for elephants. Realizing that it was a problem, he consulted a psychiatrist. The shrink told him, “This is a fairly common ailment and the cure is simple: You must go to Africa and shoot an elephant.” That sounded like a good idea, so the Texan flew to Africa and hired a Great White Hunter to take him on a safari to shoot an elephant. Working for the hunter was a local native who, in turn, hired a bunch of his fellows to spread out in a long line, blow horns, beat drums, and drive the elephants toward the elephant-blind where the hunters were waiting. As they waited for the elephant to come, there was suddenly lots of thrashing and bellowing in the bushes, and out came the Head Beater. The Texan shot him right between the eyes. The Great White Hunter became very irate. “What the hell did you do that for? He’s a good friend of mine; we’ve been together for twenty years!”
The Texan replied, “If there’s anything I hate worse than elephants, it’s big black noisy niggers!”
*
What does a little black kid say as he’s walking back and forth alongside a zebra?
“Now you see me, now you don’t. Now you see me, now you don’t.”
Italian
What’s red, green, blue, yellow, purple, and orange?
An Italian dressed up.
*
What’s the definition of a cad?
An Italian who doesn’t tell his wife he’s sterile until after she’s pregnant.
*
Have you heard about the Italian girl who flunked her driver’s license test?
When the car stalled, from force of habit she jumped into the back seat.
*
Did you hear about the Italian who was asked to be a Jehovah’s Witness?
He refused because he didn’t see the accident.
*
What do you call an Italian who marries a black?
A social climber.
*
Why don’t Italians have freckles?
Because they slide off.
*
Why do Italians wear hats?
So they know which end to wipe.
*
What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?
Sicily.
*
A little Italian kid was helping the construction crew build a house next door to his. He was acting just like the crewmen, swinging his little plastic tools around and swearing up a storm just like them. His mother wasn’t too pleased when she came to get him for lunch and overheard the kid saying loudly, “Fuckin’ shit, pass me another goddamn nail.” His mother grabbed him by the hand, pulled him inside the house, and said, “Giuseppe, I’m warning you—if your papa ever hears you talking like that, you’re gonna be plenty sorry.”
Hearing of Giuseppe’s misbehavior on his return home from work, the father said, “Son, I’ve got to teach you a lesson. Go out in the back and get me a switch.”
“Fuck you,” said Giuseppe, “that’s the electrician’s job!”
*
Did you hear about the Italian who:
—Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage?
—Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery?
—Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?
—Lost his girlfriend because he couldn’t remember where he laid her?
—Wouldn’t go out with his wife because she was a married woman?
—Bought his wife a washer and dryer for Christmas—a douche bag and a towel?
—Moved his house two feet back to tighten the clothesline?
*
How can you tell Italian women are embarrassed by their long black hair?
Because they wear long black gloves to cover it up.
*
How does an Italian count his goats?
He counts the legs and divides by four.
*
How can you tell an Italian with kidney trouble?
He’s the one with the rusty zipper and yellow tennis shoes.
*
Why are garbage cans painted international orange?
So little Italian children will think they’re eating at Howard Johnson’s.
*
Did you hear about the Italian who cleaned out his ears and his head caved in?
Ethnic Jokes Variegated
W ho are the four most dangerous people in the world?
A Jew with money, a Greek with tennis shoes, a Puerto Rican with a knife, and a Polack with brains.
*
What do you get when you cross a Jew with a gypsy?
A chain of empty stores.
*
A French couple, an Irish couple, and a Polish couple are having dinner together. The Frenchman says to his wife, “Pass me the sugar, sugar.”
Not to be outdone, the Irishman says, “Could you pass me the honey, honey?”
Most impressed by these clever endearments, the Pole leans over to his wife and says, “Pass me the pork, pig.”
*
*
A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby. “Is it yours?” she asks the Italian.
“Certainly not,” he retorts.
“Yours?” she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
“How about you?” she asks the Jew.
“Maybe,” he says glumly. “My wife burns everything.”
*
How does a JAP spell relief ?
R-O-L-E-X.
How does a Pole spell relief?
F-A-R-T.
*
During a routine check of a construction site, the foreman finds an Italian construction worker hanging from the ceiling beams of an unfinished room. “What the hell are you doing up there?” he asks.
“I’m a chandelier,” explains the Italian.
“Get down and get back to work before I bust your head,” growls the foreman, but to no avail, for on several subsequent checks he finds the Italian in exactly the same position. Finally he has to fire him. The next morning he is infuriated to catch all the Polish workers on the site packing up and getting ready to leave. “What the hell do you clowns think you’re doing?” he shouts.
“Hey listen,” say the Poles, “we ain’t working without no lights.”
*
What’s transparent and lies in the gutter?
A Pakistani with the shit kicked out of him.
*
Why aren’t there any swimming pools in Mexico?
Because all the Mexicans who can swim are in the U.S.
*
Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to take the Alamo?
So they could have four clean walls to write on.
*
Definition of a Mexican wolf:
Hot tamale looking for a frijole.
*
Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?
So they can take a bubble bath at night.
*
Have you heard about the new Mexican war movie?
It’s called A Tacolips Now.
*
Why do Indians wear jock straps?
Totem pole.
*
What do you call an Oriental person on Quaaludes?
A mello-yellow.
*
What’s the Chinese word for watermelon?
Coon-chow.
*
How many sand-niggers (Arabs) does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool. But they need a foreign advisor to tell them it was burned out.
*
In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
*
What’s the Greek army’s motto?
“Never Leave Your Buddy’s Behind.”
*
How do you distinguish the clans in Scotland?
&nb
sp; If there’s a quarter-pounder under his kilt, he’s a MacDonald.
*
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunken Irishman.
*
What do Arabs do on a Saturday night?
Sit under palm trees and eat their dates.
*
What positions do WASPs fuck in?
“POSITIONS?!?”
*
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
“Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.
“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul. “White man sit on well.”
*
Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts?
The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets.
*
The sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. “Say, Junior, what’s goin’ on?” asked the sheriff.
“A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the cliff, and I just finished burying ‘em,” explained the deputy.
“Good work, boy,” said the sheriff. “Pretty gory work—were all of ‘em dead?”
Truly Tasteless Jokes Three Page 2