by Mia Ford
I don’t want to still have feelings for him, I want to be stronger and better, but sadly I do.
“I’m sure they’ll move on soon,” I reply tartly while focusing my eyes back on my book. “They won’t want to stick around here forever, I’m sure it’s way too boring for them. The clubs in town must open soon?”
“Urgh,” Harper agrees, rolling her eyes dramatically. “I hope so. What a bunch of losers.”
I laugh along with the others, but deep down I fear we’d all prefer to be with them. Of course it’s good to be focused on our future, I’m not denying that, especially when we don’t all have definite secure futures like Kade does, but every now and again I would love to let lose. I think I’ve shut myself off so much that I don’t even know how to have fun anymore. I’m the least experienced in even my group of friends, I’m the only virgin and I’ve only been drunk once as well. I guess to others, I’m boring, but to me I’m just shy.
“Anyway, let’s forget about them. They’ll be gone soon.” I can’t stand this conversation anymore, it’s too much. I need to get refocused. “Let’s have a discussion about what we’re going to do for this project…”
“Oh my God, he’s looking at you,” Cindy hisses, pushing her glasses back up her nose in her excitement. “Kade. He’s staring at you like he knows you.” She cocks her head curiously. “Does he know you?”
I haven’t shared my history with Kade with anyone, because it’s embarrassing to go into all the details of it. I don’t want to admit to my mates that I actually had… have a crush on him. It’s humiliating. They’ll never see me in the same way, they’ll realize that I’m just as pitiful as those other girls draped all over him.
“Oh, well… sort of.” My cheeks flame a bright shade of red, probably giving me away. “I mean, we live near each other back at our home town, but that’s it. Obviously, we aren’t friends or anything.”
“You never told me that,” Cindy gasps and shoves me. I almost fall back off my chair as she does, I don’t think she knows her own strength! “That’s kinda wild, don’t you think? Did you go to the same school?”
Urgh, I don’t want to think about school, not in the same context of Kade. It brings all that tragic heart break floating to the surface again. “Yes, and he was just as much of a dick then as he is now.”
“Woah, alright, did he pick on you, or something?” Cindy chuckles. “Sounds like there’s something there.”
I shook her a glare, but she doesn’t seem to care about it. She’s found something to tease me about and knowing Cindy, she’ll ride that rain for as long as she can. It’s irritating, but whatever. I’ll just ignore it. I fix my head downwards and stare at the page in front of me. I want to focus on the words, but they’re swimming in front of my eyes. They won’t stay still on the page, mostly because I know that Kade is looking at me and I want to know why. Does he even remember me? What’s he thinking as he stares at me? Does he miss me?
“Are you okay?” As Harper asks me this, I notice that I’m panting like crazy. It’s almost as if I’m having a panic attack or something. “Do you want to go out and get some air or something?”
I don’t know what I want, I just want the scrutiny to stop. With everyone’s eyes upon me I feel like I’m under a police headlight and they’re firing unanswerable questions at me. I shake my head desperately.
“No, I don’t think I need air. I think I just need a drink. I’ll go and get one.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Harper moves to stand to support me, but falls back down as I shake my head no. I need to be by myself.
“No, thank you, I’ll be fine.”
I push my chair back, but I head in the opposite end to the bar and I got for the bathroom. I just want a little bit of time alone to calm myself down. This is madness, I’ve seen Kade around the campus before. It’s not the biggest place, even if we have different classes and opposite circles of friends, we can’t avoid each other, so I don’t know why I’m having this reaction now. Is it just because he’s looking at me?
It’s really challenging to keep my eyes fixed forward. The magnetic pull towards Kade is unbearable, I don’t know how I manage to resist it, but I just about get it. I don’t want to meet his gaze when I don’t know where his mind set is, especially when he’s surrounded by all those girls. They’ll laugh at me, just like the girls in high school. Maybe we’re college age now and supposedly grown up, but I haven’t seen much evidence as that. As far as I can tell, everyone behaves in exactly the same way that they did way back when.
What are you doing? I ask myself as I stare at my wide eyed, crazy reflection in the mirror. What the hell is going on? Why are you freaking out? I remind myself that he already made high school challenging for me, I don’t want to lose college too. Just get out there and act like a normal person.
I know Cindy and Harper will be talking about me, so I don’t want to make that worse. I don’t want them to assume that there’s more to this than there is. There isn’t anymore. I need to get my head screwed on and remember that I’m here to better myself, to push myself forward in life, to keep working towards my college education. I need this, and I want it too. I cannot allow Kade Roberts to take that from me. He doesn’t deserve that, he hasn’t been good to me for a very long time. He’s in my past, and that’s where he needs to stay.
3
Kade
I keep one eye on the bathroom door as Amber talks to me. Lucie looked a little pale as she raced in there, and I want to know what’s wrong. For the first time in a very long time, I want to be there for her again. As I see her looking like she’s in pain, I can’t believe I let our friendship slide. I want to get it back again but I don’t know if she’ll want me. All the confidence I usually feel ebbs away as I think about speaking to her. I fucked up, and I’ll have to apologize. What if she shoots me down in flames? I know that I’ll hate it.
“What are you staring at?” Amber insists in a pissed off tone of voice. “You’re acting weird?”
I don’t even bother to answer her because at that moment, Lucie flies out of the bathroom and she heads straight for the bar. She has a pair of skinny jeans on, clinging to her curves in a way that I don’t even think she recognizes, a loose fitting vest top, and her long dark hair is piled up on top of her head in a messy style bun. She’s much more natural and casual than any of the girls I’m sitting with, and she pulls it off in the most beautiful way. There’s a spot light on her, an aura that draws me in. I can’t believe I’ve ever pulled away.
“Where are you going?” Amber grabs on to my shirt, but I shove her off because I only have one thing that I need to do now. I need to speak to Lucie and somehow see what I can do to make this okay.
My heart hammers the nearer I get to her, I can almost feel a little lump forming in my throat. The nakedness of her neck is luring me in, for one weird second, I almost want to run my tongue along it… but I won’t. She isn’t that sort of girl. There are plenty of girls I can do that with any day of the week. Lucie is my friend only.
“Erm, hey.” I sound quite shy as I reach out to Lucie. “It’s Lucie, right? I don’t know if you remember me…” She turns to see me and I get lost in the depth of her piercing blue eyes for a moment.
“Oh yeah, I remember.” She extends her hand out to me in a gesture that’s way too formal. I take it, not sure what else to do and we awkwardly half shake, half just hold it there. There’s a weird fizzle in my stomach as we do this, so I force myself to grin brightly to try and disguise it a little bit. “Kade Roberts, next door.”
I laugh and let my hand fall down by my side. It hangs there awkwardly as I rack my brain trying to work out what I’m going to say next. Maybe this is something I should have prepared beforehand. Even with the booze sloshing about in my system I can’t seem to find the right words. I want to warm her up to me.
“So, it’s quite crazy that we’re both here, isn’t it?” I chuckle like an idiot. “Who would’ve thought it.�
��
“We planned it once,” she reminds me. “We made a pact, didn’t we? To never leave one another’s sides.”
Wow, I remember that, and I really meant it too. We were sitting in a tree together at about the age of ten and we were pondering life. We made the naïve decision that we would always be together. I thought life would be fine with Lucie by my side. The funny thing is I still feel a little bit like that now.
“Yeah, we were such silly kids, weren’t we?” Urgh, why did I say that?” Good job we grew up.”
Oh, my God, everything I say just makes it worse! What the hell is wrong with me? I give her the grin that some have described as ‘heart stopping’, but of course Lucie doesn’t seem impressed. She never was as easy to please as the rest of them. In fact, I remember her being very spunky before the Marcey May incident.
“Er, yes I suppose it is.” She turns her back on me and orders a lemonade from the bar. She’s not drinking, and I’m half cut. I suppose that makes sense since she’s always been more sensible than me. “So, erm, how are your studies going?” she asks me with narrowed eyes. “Or not going as the case might be.”
The crowd of people that I’m in the bar with all break out into a rambunctious cheer, reminding me that they’re here. “Oh, right yeah, it’s erm…” I rack my brains for a decent excuse. “It’s Amber’s birthday today so we’re all having a bit of a party. You know how it is?” Does she? I’m not too sure.
“Do you think you might be moving on soon? Only we’re all trying to study here and you’re being quite loud. There must be other places that are more fun for the… birthday party.”
She sees right through me, which is hardly surprising. I’ve never been the best liar and she knows me well. Even if we don’t hang out any longer, I haven’t changed too much I don’t think. She can see the truth.
“Oh, well I don’t know what we’re doing… are we really bothering you that much? Wouldn’t you rather join us?” Lucie gives me a look like that’s the worst idea in the world. “It could be fun!”
“No, thank you.” She grabs her drink and pays for it. “I’m here to learn, not party. You should just go.”
The cold tone she used to use with the people who were horrible to me comes out, and I don’t much care for being on this side of it. As she folds her arms defiantly across her chest I smirk. I need to use my charm to win her back around somehow. Now that I remember how good it feels to hang around with her, I need Lucie back in my life. She knows me better than everyone else here which is pretty awesome.
“Okay, okay, we’ll go,” I tell her while holding up my hands in a surrendering gesture. “But before we do I want to get your number. I think me and you should hang out again just like we used to.”
“You… you do?” She looks taken aback by this, which I suppose shouldn’t be surprising.
“Yeah, I do. We used to have a good time, didn’t we? We could go out for a drink or whatever.”
I hand her my cell phone and she types her number in rapidly. As she does, I notice things about her that I don’t think I’ve spotted before; the glint in her eyes when she’s concentrating, the plumpness to her lips as she curls them upwards, the way wisps of her hair cascade past her striking cheek bones…
Shit, no, stop it, I warn myself as I realize where my brain is going. Lucie is not for that.
Yes, she’s grown into a real beauty, but she’s my friend, nothing more, and she’s a nice girl. I don’t go near nice girls ever. After what I’ve put her through, I can’t make her suffer worse, no way.
“Right, okay, so I guess, message me sometime?” She says this like a question as if she doesn’t think I’ll really do it. I definitely will, I know it! “And we can catch up. Go for a drink and… talk.”
“Great.” I touch her shoulder, wishing I could pull her in for a hug, but I don’t think we’re at the embracing stage just yet. “It’s been good to see you, Lucie, and I cannot wait to catch up again.”
As she walks away from me, I wonder what Mom would think about us reconnecting. She was the only person who actively had a go at me for leaving Lucie behind. She knew that it was my fault, and it’s safe to say that she wasn’t impressed at all. She would be patting me on the back now if she knew, she always liked Lucie, sometimes more than she liked me. Truthfully, I think she wanted us to end up together.
Maybe if I’d known what a beauty she was going to turn out to be, I would have been more agreeable. Or maybe she was already beautiful and I couldn’t see it because I spent so much time with her. Still, I see it now. I can’t see anything else! She’s gorgeous. What a shame that she’ll only ever be a friend to me.
I didn’t plan on leaving the student bar until much later on in the day, but knowing that Lucie has asked me to makes me want to go right away, so as I head back to the table I make a plan.
“Right, guys, let’s go into town!” I say this like it’s the best plan ever. “Start hitting the clubs.”
Most people jump up and cheer, but not Amber. Her face has turned to thunder, she can see the night of me and her together slipping further and further away. Well good, I don’t want it and I never will.
“Who was that?” she demands as if she’s my girlfriend and has right to know.
“My friend,” I tell her smugly. “Someone that I’m really close to.”
“Oh yeah?” Amber cocks an eyebrow knowingly at me. “Then how come I’ve never once seen you talking to her? If you’re so close why don’t you spend more time with her here?”
“I don’t think that’s anything to do with you, now are you coming to the club or not?”
As she makes her way out of the bar, I give Lucie a thumbs up. She returns it, but the gesture is half hearted. I wonder if maybe she’s a little shy in front of her friends. She does seem quieter than she used to be these days. Still, spending some time with me will pull her back out of her shell. I certainly hope so.
Once I’m outside the bar, I fire off a text to Lucie right away. I don’t want to hold back, I want her to know that I’m serious. I really do want to hang out with her again and I don’t think being sober will change that.
‘Hey you, it’s me. That’s Kade, by the way. Let’s hang out tomorrow afternoon?’
Almost instantly I get a reply: ‘I can’t do tomorrow, I have a lecture to get to.’
Of course she does! She actually takes this place seriously.
‘Okay then, how about Friday? Does that suit you?’
Everyone leaves the bar, I’m on my own but I don’t care. I might not even bother going into town now, the clubs don’t have the same appeal. I’d rather think about all the things I want to say to Lucie.
‘Friday is good. Midday? Maybe somewhere off campus?’
I already know that suggesting a bar won’t be a good idea, she doesn’t seem into that.
‘The cafe on main street. If you’re lucky I might even treat you to some cake.’
‘How about I treat you?’
I laugh to myself as I see her reply, she really hasn’t ever been interested in me for my money. She’s always paid her equal share even though her family aren’t as wealthy. I almost forgot that people could be that way, it’s been such a long time since anyone paid for me. Too long actually, not that I mind…
‘Sounds good, I’ll see you then!’
I’m looking forward to it, more than I thought I would. It’ll be awesome to reconnect with someone who sees me differently, someone who sees me for the person I am underneath. Maybe it’ll even be good for me.
4
Lucie
I’m going to be hanging out with Kade again, that’s such a strange sentence to think. It’s been such a long time, and I really didn’t think I would ever agree to such madness even if he asked. But he disarmed me, I couldn’t help myself. Yes was the only answer I could think of when he finally said those words.
“What was what about?” Harper gasps as I sit back down. “First, Kade was staring at you, the next he�
�s making a beeline for you, then you’re giving him your number? Are you going to date him?”
“You shouldn’t date him,” Cindy jumps in. “I mean, you know the guy is a massive player, right?”
“I’m not going to date him,” I insist while laughing, maybe a little fakely. “I guess he saw me and he remembered that we used to be friends so he came to speak to me.” The girls both give me a look like they don’t believe me at all, so I know I need to make up a plausible excuse unless I want to spend the rest of the day talking about this. “He wants some help with his college work, that’s all. I guess he’s falling behind.”
“I’m not surprised!” Luckily, Cindy buys this instantly. “He doesn’t seem to ever be in class. But isn’t he rich enough to buy his way through college? That’s why he’s here, isn’t he? It’s all for show, surely.”
I don’t like that attitude, it’s unfair on Kade who’s always had to face it. People judge him purely because his family has money. I know that his ancestors worked hard to make a success of the store. But when I used to stick up for him, he didn’t act like the spoiled rich kid. Unfortunately, now he does so what can I say?
“I don’t know if it works like that.” I decide to be diplomatic. “I think college works… well I don’t know, but I don’t think you can pay for a degree.” Maybe you can, now she’s said it I’m not sure. “Anyway…”
“Oh, my goodness. Everyone I leaving!” Cindy claps her hand to her mouth in shock. “What did you do? Did you tell them to go?” Her eyes have almost popped out of her head. “If you did you’re my newest hero.”
Okay, I’ll it, I can’t resist taking credit for this one! The temptation is too much, even for me.
“Oh, I just told Kade that if I’m going to help him then that means he needs to take me more seriously,” I reply in a breezy tone. “So, him and his friends have to go so we can actually get some work done.”