by Mia Ford
Mr. Turner has done his best for me, I can’t fault him at all. He’s given up too much of his time for me to help me out and now I’m about to let him down. Doing some last minute cramming is only making me feel worse, it’s showing me just how little I know. I should have been to every single class, I would still be struggling right now, but at least I would know that I tried. At least I would have a better foundation to start on. Right now, I have nothing except for my dumb ass brain that won’t retain anything.
“Damn it,” I mutter under my breath as I tug on the ends of my hair. “I’m absolutely fucked.”
“What’s going on, buddy?” Hector asks me. “You’re actually doing some work which is a change.”
I try to make a laugh come out of my mouth but I can’t make it happen. Nothing is funny, this is a total and utter mess. It’s bullshit. A mess of my own making. Right now, I hate myself. I want to change everything. My dad is going to murder me, my mom will be disappointed, and I’ll lose my place in the family business. And all because I was lazy and would rather have fun. I could have done both.... why didn’t I do both? Everyone else manages to have a good time and work as well, why do I have to be so full on and different?
“Yeah, well I have an exam today that I really need to pass. It sucks because I don’t think I will.”
He pats me on the back, probably trying to reassure me somewhat. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
I glance up at the time, realizing that I’m about to be late on top of everything else. I grab my stuff up and I make towards the door. “Thanks, Hector, I hope you’re right. Wish me luck, okay?”
He calls out wishes of good luck behind me but I barely hear them. If I don’t do this today, I really am going to be kicked out, there isn’t any way around it. I’ve checked with other teachers and students too and they all say the same. It’s high risk for everyone, but especially me because I don’t have any other work to fall back on. I haven’t done any course work at all, I’m already a fucking failure.
I don’t know what’s going to happen when I leave, I have no idea how my life will be once this is done, but I’m sure as hell going to miss college. It’s been an experience. Now it might be over and Hector will be left with a single. He might love that, I don’t know. Maybe he’ll miss me just as much as I will this place. We’ve certainly spent a lot more time together recently than we have before. I haven’t been able to see anyone else, especially not my normal crowd, I’ve just been in the room, studying my damn ass off, and possibly for nothing. Urgh, that crushes me, that kills me. I’ve actually tried and I still don’t think that’s enough.
I keep my head down and walk towards the exam hall. I’ve kept my distance, I haven’t spoken to anyone, and I don’t know if I can start right now. My head isn’t in the game as it is, I don’t want to get even more distracted. I need to focus on my breathing, on the small parts that I do know, and I need to get through this.
“Hey, Kade.” I slide my eyes closed in despair when I hear Amber yelling me. She’s been worse than ever recently, really hanging around me. She was even a bitch to Lucie when she came to visit me, which is something I need to fix when I get done with this. “What ya doing? I haven’t seen you out for ages.”
“I’m busy at the moment,” I shoot back without stopping. “I’ll see you later on.”
I can’t stand her, she’s a fucking nightmare. She’s really shown her true colors recently. I did have a go at her about what she said to Lucie, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t want to be anywhere near her again.
Luckily, I get inside quickly and I slam the door behind me. All I have to face now is my exam… which maybe isn’t any better… maybe I should have stayed out there with Amber… but it’s too late now. All I can do is take my seat, grab a pen, and try and get through this. I need to try, I have to give it my all, and just seriously hope that I don’t fail. Well, at this rate I just need to get myself through it!
I glance around, seeing many other nervous faces around me, but they don’t have the same reason as me to feel scared. They’ve all tried, I’ve seen them doing well in Mr. Turner’s classes. I’m sure every single one of them will succeed. Right now, I would much rather be in one of their seats.
“Right, everyone,” Mr. Turner says in a grave tone at the front of the hall. “It’s time to begin. As soon as half past comes around, I want you to turn your page over and start writing.” He nods at us all, pausing at me for a second longer than anyone else. “Good luck, everyone. You’ve worked hard for it.”
Tick, tick, time ticks past loudly. Tick, tick. My heart knocks up. Tick, tick. The time is nearly here. Tick, tick. Sweat pours down my forehead. Tick, tick. I can hardly breathe…
“Okay everyone…” Mr. Turner pauses. “And begin…”
I turn the page over and stare at the words that are swimming in front of me. I don’t know if I can read or understand any of them, but I’m going to have to try. Everything is resting on this…
* * *
I stare at the envelope in my hand, wondering when I’m going to get the courage to open it. I actually went to my college post box to pick it up today. Of course, it was full. I haven’t picked anything up ever, but there’s only one letter that I care about and it’s this one. The dreaded results. The end of my life so far.
It’s only been a week since I took the exam, not the longest time in the world, but I haven’t been able to do anything but think and panic. I know I didn’t do well, I’m sure I struggled on far too many questions. I can already see what this letter is going to say, but still I can’t face it. Still, I’m scared. I’m a mess actually. I feel sickly and sweaty, like I haven’t washed for a very long time even though I had a shower a while ago.
“Just open it,” I tell myself quietly. “Stop being a pussy. Whatever it is, I can handle it.”
I know I can’t though, my heart is hammering so violently against my rib cage it actually hurts. Panic coils itself around my intestines, giving me a stomach ache. I could throw up at any given moment. I keep grabbing onto my tummy to try and keep the sick inside. The longer I put this off, the worse I feel.
Ring, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…
Fuck! I pull my phone out of my pocket, ready to cut off the caller, but then I see my dad’s name on the screen. He’s already pissed off at me, and that’s about to get worse. I don’t want to aggravate him further. Plus, I suppose, the longer I wait to open this letter, the longer I can live in peaceful bliss without knowing for sure either way. It doesn’t change anything, but at least I won’t have to know what’s happening.
“He…” I don’t even get my greeting out. He jumps down my throat right away.
“Fuck, Kade, what the hell have you done?” He explodes like a volcano. “You failed some exam? You’re being kicked out of college? You are losing your room now and need to come home today!”
Now that he’s ripped off the band air, I tear the envelope apart and see exactly what my father has seen. I have in fact failed, and I’m being kicked out. I’ve lost everything. The room around me spins and I fall back onto my bed in a heap of panic. This is insane. I don’t know what to even think anymore.
“Get your shit packed up and I’ll send a driver to get you in an hour or so. Now that college is done you have to get home so we can sort out what we’re going to do next. You fucking idiot.”
“I don’t think…” I try to say something, but he isn’t going to let me speak.
“This is the worst thing that you could have done. I’m thoroughly disappointed. Get packed up and get home. We can see what we’re going to do with you then. I promise you, the fun stops here.”
“But…” I feel like I’m about two feet tall. I suppose I always do when it comes to my father.
“That’s the end of the conversation, Kade. No more, just do what I have said.”
He hangs up the phone, leaving me no room to argue with him any longer. He’s cutting my time here very short which is a nightmare
, I don’t even have time to get used to this change, or say goodbye to anyone. Although I don’t know if I would even want to say goodbye to anyone because this is so humiliating. I try to imagine what everyone would think of me and it really isn’t good. I’ll be the subject of gossip for weeks without making it worse. At least if they talk about me afterwards, I won’t have to hear it.
With a tear streaming down my cheek, I do as my dad has suggested and I grab a case to start throwing my things into it. As I do, I see all the plans that I had for my life falling away. Maybe now my dad will sell the business off to someone else and it’ll leave the family completely, and it’ll be all my fault.
I’m the biggest disappointment in the whole entire world. Dad actually said that to me.
“Shit.” I drop my stuff and run from the room, straight into the bathroom to vomit. My throat is red raw and the vomit doesn’t stop coming. Everything that I’ve been trying to keep in comes flying out at a million miles an hour. I don’t know how long I’ve been keeping this in. “Shit, shit, shit.”
At that moment, for just a second, I think of Lucie again. She’s the last person I can face right now because she’ll know better than anyone how much this failure means. I think I might have already blown it because I was an accidental dick to her the other day, so I suppose this is for the best. Better that she hates me rather than knows how much of a fool that I’ve been. I wouldn’t even know how to say to her that I’m a failure as a human because she’s such a success. It’ll let her see that she’s way too good for me.
It really is over, time to move on. I’m never going to have my one shot with Lucie, and again, it’s all my own fault. If I could go back I would do it all very differently, but of course I can’t. It’s done.
14
Lucie
“Lucie, you need to come to class,” Cindy tells me softly. “It’s been two weeks, You’re going to end up getting behind. I know that you’re sad, but this is getting a bit much now. You have to get up.”
Okay, so she’s right. I’ve been tucked up in bed refusing to face the world for far too long, and I do need to start regaining myself, but it’s hard. This heart break has made me ill and I don’t know how to get over it. I want to be strong, I want to be powerful and to be able to face it, but I can’t. I’m too hurt.
“I don’t want to,” I groan painfully. “Just bring me the work to do here. I can do that.”
Cindy whips the sheets back from my head and stares down at me with sympathy in her eyes. I can see that she thinks I’m a pitiful mess, but what can I do? I’ve fallen apart along with all the other girls, over bloody Kade Roberts. Trying to change my life isn’t easy at all, not that I’ve done much other than cry.
“Lucie, I wasn’t going to tell you this, mostly because I don’t ever want to bring up his name again.” I bolt upright in bed, knowing that she means Kade. I half expect her to tell me that he’s found the love of his life and that I’m going to have to face them together eventually unless I leave college… not that I think that’s an option or I would have done it already. I can’t go now. “But Kade Roberts has left college.”
Huh? I wasn’t expecting that at all. “Left? What do you mean, left? Like, gone home?”
“I don’t know.” Cindy shrugs at me. “But it isn’t temporary. He’s gone completely.”
“No way.” I shake my head rapidly. “There’s just no way. His father wouldn’t let him go.”
“Well, he has. He must have. Kade has gone. Apparently, his room is empty now. Well, aside from his roommate. He’s just gone and no one really knows why. It’s all anyone can talk about.”
It must be, he’s such a popular guy. Everyone must be totally shocked. I rack my brains, trying to work out what could have done this to him, but I don’t know what. He’s led the good life, he hasn’t had to study much because he’s one of those guys who just flies through life without trying, and I’m pretty sure his dad gives money to the college as well. I’m sure he hasn’t had a bad experience because he’s too loved… maybe it’s a family emergency. I know how I can find out as well. I can call my mom! Even if me and Kade haven’t been friends for a very long time, our parents are so I’ll be able to discover the truth.
Without even waiting for Cindy to say anymore, I rudely grab my cell phone and call my mom. I find myself in such a state of panic that something so big has happened in Kade’s life without me knowing that I feel red raw. Maybe that’s why he was a bit of a dick to me the other day, because he had bad news. No one ever reacts well when they’ve found out something terrible, I certainly can’t blame him!
“Mom!” I almost yell as soon as she answers. “What the hell is going on?”
“Lucie?” She sounds shocked to even hear from me, she sure doesn’t seem to know why. That worried me, but doesn’t bring me down. “What’s going on? Is everything okay? Has something happened?”
I stare up at Cindy who’s giving me a look like I’m a crazy person. Maybe I am, I don’t know anymore. It’s been such a long time since I did anything to act like a normal human being, maybe I’ve forgotten how. I tug my fingers through my matted hair and try to calm down the thumping in my head.
“Oh, I just…” I cough awkwardly. “I heard that Kade left college because of some family emergency.”
“Oh no, everything is fine. I saw his mom yesterday. It must be a mistake. College gossip.”
Her tone is too calm, it’s almost as if she’s trying to hide something from me. What can it possibly be that she doesn’t want me to know? Unless… unless Kade left because of me. Maybe he regrets sleeping with me and I freaked him out by going to his room. Maybe he thought I was going to end up as some kind of bunny boiler, stalker type. He’s the sort of lad who has bound to have been through that before. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt me so much because of our friendship in the past so much that he actually left to escape me.
It’s far fetched, maybe, but I can’t think of anything else that my mom would want to keep from me. And now I’ve just made it a million times worse by calling her in a fit of hysteria. Maybe she’ll go and tell Kade that he did the right thing by getting away from me. I’ve become a crazy person.
“Oh, right, you must be right.” I force out a weak giggle. “Sorry, I just heard something and I panicked. Not that it matters, it isn’t like we’re friends anymore or anything. I just worried.”
“Kade and the Roberts family will be just fine. Don’t you worry about that, okay?”
I say goodbye and hang up the phone slowly. Cindy is right, I’ve let this change me and in the worst way possible. Kade has gone, he’s possibly left because of me. He will be off doing his own thing and I need to make myself do mine. I’ve pined for too long over the boy who will never want me. How much of my life will I be willing to give him before I fall apart completely? No, I need to find some strength. If he’s going to take on the family business and probably sleep with a string of beautiful women, the least I can do is work.
“Okay, Cindy. I’m going to be strong now. I’m going to start going to classes.”
“Oh, thank goodness.” My best friend sounds very relieved. “I’ll help you in whatever way I can. I know that none of this is going to be easy for you, especially considering how much you cared for him, but just try to see this as a good thing. Whatever has happened, at least you don’t have to see him anymore.”
“That’s true.” Whatever he’s doing, I won’t have to witness it here. College can finally become the safe haven that I always wanted it to be. As long as I avoid the stables and anywhere else that we created memories. Luckily, what we had was so short that we didn’t have too much time. “Yeah, this will be okay.”
“First, shower.” She points me towards the bathroom. “Then, class. After that we’ll go shopping and get you a hair cut. Do all the things that girls do to regain their confidence after a break up. I’ll get Rhiannon to come with us too, that girl has been all kinds of worried about you. She’s the one who tol
d me to tell you.”
Much as it wasn’t a break up since we weren’t actually together, it’s certainly a heart break, so that sounds amazing. I hope that changing my look will help to bring me back up, then I can get back to being me. I might not usually be the shopping, girly type, but right now I want to be anything other than the person I am.
“Sounds good, and I guess I’ll have to thank Rhiannon. I think it’s better that I know.”
“Well, if the idea that you won’t have to see him again gets you out of bed then I’m all for it.”
I’m grateful to have such good friends, it’s good that I don’t have to go through this alone. I don’t think I’d be able to make it out the other side if I did. It’s definitely time for me to start focusing on the positives, because although I’m sad, there are some. Not everyone has that. I’m going to be some version of Lucie Smith again, and not this pitiful version lying in bed wishing I could have him back. For me, it was always love, it has been for as long as I can remember, for him I was just another in the long list of one night stands. Not even important. I’m someone that he didn’t even care enough about to say goodbye to when he left.
Well, even if I don’t think that I’m good enough for him, I deserve to be treated better than that! Maybe I’ve always had him on a pedestal and he hasn’t been that great after all. Hopefully time will tell.
* * *
My front is a good one. The choppy, shorter hair cut is good, the way I do my make up these days is nice, my dress sense has improved a lot. I’ve become a much sexier, more confident version of myself in the last two weeks, one that even got asked out on a date the other day, but I don’t feel good. Inside, I’m still a mess. I’m heart broken, sickly, and crumbling to bits. Still, as long as I hold it together, I’ll be fine.
“It’s been a while since we’ve had a study group,” Rhiannon says while darting looks at me. I can tell that she’s still concerned about me, she must be able to see through the façade anyway. “It’s fun and I’m glad we changed to location to the library. It’s much easier to get some work done here.”