by Mia Ford
When I think about myself, mooning pathetically over him, it makes me cringe. No wonder he ran away without saying goodbye, who would want to stay for that needy mess? Anyway, I couldn’t ever regret it all because it led me to have Logan. Whatever mess I made, I still have the best thing in my life. I wouldn’t change my baby for the world, he’s the light of my life now, my absolute everything. Again, that’s why I feel so bad, because he could be the same for Kade too, but I suppose that’s a pointless thought.
The door clicks, I hear Mom walking back in her house so I move to the front door to greet her. She looks tired and worn down, which I suppose is because Logan was up a lot last night. Luckily, she really doesn’t seem to mind or I would move out in a heart beat. She adores Logan more than anything, it would be cruel to take him away from her. I grab the shopping bags from her and set them on the side.
“Hey, Mom, is everything okay?” I ask her curiously. “Was it alright at the shops?”
“I have something to tell you,” she says in a quiet tone of voice. “I don’t know if you’ll like it.”
I stop what I’m doing and I stare at her in shock. “What is it, Mom? You sound… scared.”
This could be anything, absolutely anything in the world, but I can just tell from the reservation in her eyes that this will be the topic I seriously don’t want to discuss. I mean, ever. I freeze, my blood runs icy cold and a sickness swirls inside of me, I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, I’m a raw mess.
“Is it Kade?” I ask her quietly. I wring my hands together in terror. “Has he… come back?”
She bites down on her bottom lip and nods slowly. I cannot believe it. On Father’s Day he has decided to resurface, when our child is four years old and asking about him. It’s almost as if he’s done it on purpose just to complicate my existence even more than it already is. My head spins fast with this knowledge.
“I’ve just seen his mother and she said that he’s come back from the business trip that his dad sent him on. Apparently now, he’s grown up a lot and he’s changed so much that he’s going to be in charge of the company.” She gives me a desperate look, trying to work out how I feel. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to that myself. “She’s having a party for him on Saturday night and she wants us to go.”
Of course we have been invited, why wouldn’t we be? As far as Kade’s mom is aware we are all friends. Yes, we’ve had bumps in our friendship, but that’s nothing. If she knew the truth, I’m sure she wouldn’t be so keen as to have us there. It’s going to be horrific to see the man that I loved, the man that I betrayed, the father of my child in a room with so many other people… but maybe that will be easier because it won’t be one on one. I can try to figure out how he feels about me without even asking.
“Right.” I gulp noisily. “I see, so we should go, right? It’s only right for us to go.”
“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. It’s going to be very difficult with you know who,” she of course means Logan by this. “Especially since he’s invited too, and it’ll be weird if we don’t take him.”
The idea of Logan being in the same room as his father fills me with dread. I’m sure that even if he mom doesn’t realize it, he will. He’ll see himself in Logan right away. He knows that we slept together so he’s sure to work it out. I’m really going to have to work out my excuse for not telling him. It needed to be good.
“We’ll all go,” I tell her firmly. “But I’m not going to make any decision about whether I’ll tell him or not. I’ll try and work out what sort of person he has become first. There’s no point in causing unrest if it won’t make any difference to us. And don’t worry, if I do tell him I’ll make sure everyone thinks I haven’t told anyone. I won’t let his mom know that you’ve been aware all along.”
She sucks in a breath and nods. I know she’s worried that she’s being selfish, worrying about something so petty, but I get it. I don’t want our moms to fall out over this, I’m more than willing to take all the hate.
I pause for a moment, trying to work out how it’s going to feel to really see him but I can’t work it out. I’ve numbed myself to him for so many years that it’ll be weird to have those feelings unleashed again. Maybe I won’t feel anything, maybe I’ll be completely turned off by him these days after all this time apart. I haven’t really dated anyone else because I’ve been so focused on Logan, but maybe I won’t want him anymore either. I don’t even know what he looks like, I know that I’ve changed a lot. Maybe he won’t be the guy for me anymore. Or maybe he will, maybe nothing will have changed. Either way, I need to prepare myself.
“I might need to get a new dress for the party, I haven’t really been anywhere nice since Logan was born, what do you think?” I try to keep my tone innocent, but I don’t seem to pull it off well.
“Oh yes, maybe you should.” Mom gives me a curious look. “That could be nice. I suppose it will be a posh event. You should get something new for Logan too. We should all look nice.”
Looking nice for Kade is something I haven’t done for a very long time, but if I’m going to deliver news that could be bad or good, depending on how he takes it, then I need to have everything I can at my disposal. I won’t tell Logan who we’re going to see, not yet, I don’t want him to get hurt if he isn’t wanted. It’s up to me to protect him from all that might hurt him… even if that is his dad.
19
Kade
As my house fills up with people I scarcely recognize from a time long ago, I feel really strange and out of place. Sure, I’m slowly getting into the swing of thing when it comes to the family business and I’m beginning to get used to life back here, but I don’t feel ready to be under the spotlight. Maybe I should have tried to put Mom off when she suggested this idea. I only went along with it really to keep her happy.
“Yo, Kade,” a guy who I was sort of friends with in high school comes over to me. “Long time no see, buddy. How are you doing?” We do an awkward hand shake which only makes the entire experience even more bizarre. “You know, not many of us stayed behind after school so if you ever want to hang out…”
I part my lips, ready to tell him that I’m actually not one of those who stayed behind, but I don’t quite manage to get the words out. Before I can say anything, a beautiful blonde woman comes up behind him and circles her arms around his waist. As she kisses his neck, they get lost in a moment that’s only for them. I’m jealous, I’m left out on the outside and it makes me realize how much I want that. I guess I’m lonely, and I want to finally find someone to settle down with. Only, there isn’t anyone who wants me. I’m not the popular guy in high school or college any longer, I don’t attract women like flies without even trying. I’m the loser who got kicked out college for not trying, and now has to try extra hard just to prove myself to my dad.
I sigh loudly and stuff my hands into my pockets. I don’t usually see the changes in my life as negative at all, but surrounded by a couple so in love is hard for me. It’s the one area of my life that I haven’t been able to progress in. I haven’t focused on romance since being away so I don’t know how to be that guy. I don’t want to end up lonely for the rest of my life, but I still can’t work on that area, not while I have other stuff to do. I’ve got to make sure that I’m seen as someone to be taken seriously. That’s the only way this will work.
“Kade,” Brad eventually giggles as he pulls himself away from his girlfriend. “I don’t know if you remember Talia? She was in the year below us in school. Well, now she’s my wife! Can you believe it?”
The flash of the nice diamond ring only makes me feel worse, but I force myself to smile. “Oh well, I guess congratulations are in order then! I’m very glad that you found one another and that you’re happy.”
“Yeah, and I have my own business too, which will be great for when the little one comes along.”
Brad gently rests his hand on her belly which she bats away rapidly. I hear her whispering angrily to him
that they aren’t supposed to be telling anyone, but it hardly matters. I’m not going to spoilt their news.
“Oh, I think my mom wants me.” I make a fake gesture at my mom as I make my escape. “But it’s been good catching up with you guys. We’ll have to do it again really soon.” But not really. I don’t think I can stand to be around them and their intense happiness for even a minute longer. No way, thank you very much.
“Are you okay?” Mom asks me as I get close enough to her. “You look a bit stressed out.”
She spends a few moments straightening out my suit and I allow her to do while I peer over her head to see who else is at this party to celebrate me. I’m grateful for everyone who has made the effort to come out, but I find myself growing weary with the thought that I might have to speak to any of them. They don’t spark any interest in me at all, I don’t want to learn their news or share my own. I guess the party boy inside of me is long gone and I don’t feel in the mood like I used to. Maybe this is growing up, maybe being grumpy is a part of that. Wow, now that’s a sentence that I never thought I would say in relation to myself!
“I’m okay, Mom, just trying to remember who everyone is. Who else is coming?”
“Oh, come on.” She smacks me playfully. “It’s only been five years, it isn’t like you’ve been gone forever. You know who everyone is. I don’t know who I invited, just everyone, I suppose. Why is there someone in particular that you want to see, because I did ask you to give me a list of people and you refused to do so…”
“No, Mom, it’s fine,” I chuckle. “I’m just wondering, that’s all. Working out who to expect.”
There is someone I want to see, but there’s no way I can tell Mom that. She’ll get carried away and excited which is dumb because it might get really ugly once we see one another. I might find her with a husband too, people have certainly got married in the last five years so it makes sense that she might as well. I don’t want to end up embarrassed, with egg on my face because I’ve spoken too soon. No, silence is best.
“I suppose I better go and get a drink and work the room anyway.” I pull back from Mom. “Try and see if there’s anyone here who’s up for a good time. Not too good a time, of course, don’t you worry.”
I might be grumpy and boring these days, but Mom still looks proud of me which is something. I do want to be someone that she can respect and be happy with. It’s fine, honestly, I’m all good really. Having a moment.
“Okay, Son, well I’ll be about if you need me at all, okay? Have fun.” She leans in to whisper the next bit into my ear so no one else can hear us. “Your dad is really happy with the work that you’ve done this week. He knows that you’ve done an amazing job and that you’ve really grown up. Just know that you deserve this party.” Her words fill my chest with warmth, it’s nice to hear that I’ve done so well. “So, have fun.”
I leave Mom’s side and wander awkwardly around the room. I clutch my drink close to my chest but I don’t sip it much. I don’t want to be out of control tonight. As far as I am concerned, I’ve been an embarrassment to my family for the very last time. Tonight, I will be the man that I’m supposed to be.
I talk to my parent’s friends, discussing my journey and everything that I feel like I’ve learned along the way, I see people who I went to school with, where I learn mostly how far their lives have progressed, and I even end up speaking to people who I don’t quite recognize. I think I know them, but I can’t be sure. It’s fine, quite fun some of the time, but there’s something about it all that leaves me a little empty. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen any of the Smith family which is incredibly suspicious. Mom will definitely have invited them, and there’s no reason for none of them to come… it’s strange and puts me on edge.
Eventually I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but that isn’t where I head. Instead I wander into my bedroom and I slump down onto my bed. I might have been living here again over the last week, but I haven’t bothered to do anything to change it so it still looks like it did before. The last time I lived here was during high school, so it’s like a memory to the old me. I glance around at the photographs, spotting people in the images who are here tonight, but eventually I find the one that I’m searching for. Me and Lucie riding horses on that very first time, both grinning like idiots. This just reminds me that I won’t be able to meet anyone like her, however hard I try. Our chemistry partly derived from our history together and that is something I won’t be able to recreate again. In a way, she’s the only one for me, even now. She’s the one person that I definitely haven’t forgotten, but I am aware that I need to move on. She won’t want me now.
Time to face down stairs again, I tell myself sadly. Mom will soon spot me gone…
If Mom finds me up here, pondering life, she’ll freak. I can already feel her eyes upon me all the time, she’s worried about me, which isn’t necessary. I don’t want her to be concerned when really, I’m fine. Well, I don’t think I’m in enough of a mess to speak to her about. I’m just sad that Lucie isn’t here, that’s all. She’s been such a huge part of my life for so long, she’s ben through quite a few milestones with me. I miss her.
I glance at my reflection in the mirror before I leave my room and I see the strain behind my eyes. I don’t need to do this for too much longer, it’s a classy affair that won’t last too long, so I just have to get this mask back on my face for a short while. I can do that, I’ve proven my strength to myself recently.
I down the rest of my drink for the much needed boost, and I push open the bedroom door. People gather in the hallway outside the bathroom in a queue. I could tell them that there are toilets everywhere in this house so there isn’t any need to wait, but if they don’t know that already, then they haven’t been here much. They don’t deserve to know and I really cannot be bothered to explain it, I put my head down and I move.
Something has changed, I can feel it the moment that I descend the stairs. There’s a new aura in the room which leaves me confused. It’s intense, it’s powerful, I can feel it calling out to me and tugging at my heart strings. I pause just before I reach the bottom of the stairs and I flick my eyes over the people in the room, trying to locate the source. The more I look, the deeper the pull becomes until it drives me crazy.
Oh my God, it’s Mr. Smith, standing next to my father and laughing at something he’s said. He has a glass of an amber looking liquid clutched between his fingers, and a giant happy grin. It doesn’t take me long to find Mrs. Smith either, next to my mom who’s her best friend. My heart hammers against my rib cage and I come back to life. This is the moment that I’ve been waiting for, the time that I find out the truth for real.
I tumble quickly down the stairs and I push through the crowds desperately, searching for her. Now that I know she might be here, everything has sparked. I’m like a damn Christmas tree, lit up all over. Even my breathing feels a million times easier. I’m back to being me, like a magic spell has been cast…
Oh… wow… and then I find her, standing like a vision of beauty by the buffet table. She’s changed, she’s grown curvier as she aged, but it’s a good look. She looks even better. Lucie Smith is gorgeous and she still makes my heart skip a beat.
20
Lucie
It starts with a prickle at the back of my neck, demanding that I give it my attention. I know for certain that there’s only one set of eyes that can give me that sensation and it’s the person that I’m not quite ready to deal with just yet. I wanted to get in this party, to settle down, then to hunt him out in my own time, but it seems that I’m not going to get that chance. Finally, after five years, I’m about to see Kade Roberts again…
I turn slowly, focusing on keeping my breathing even as I do. There’s a shake rocking through my entire body, disguising any confidence that my brand new dress gave me when I first put it on. I’ve grown up, I’ve had a baby, my body has changed. I wonder if he’ll still like me… no, I shouldn’t be worried about that at all.
That’s silly, childish stuff. Instead I should be concerned with how much I like him and whether or not he’s worthwhile. Mom just came to take Logan to the toilet, but she’ll be back in a moment and father and son will be face to face for the very first time ever. God, that’s a thought that terrifies me to the core.
You’ve been preparing yourself for this, I warn myself. It will be fine if I just stay calm…
But as I spot Kade, and I see the wonderful vision of the man in front of my, my heart skips a beat. He’s changed too, he’s grown up a lot, and he looks really good for it. There’s even a shiver of lust inside of me as I see him which is incredibly inappropriate, but I can’t help the involuntary way that I feel.
Just… be… cool. I make myself smile, but the sensation feels alien. It’s almost as if I haven’t ever smiled before and I don’t really know how to do it which is crazy. I’m a very happy person, smiling all the time!
“Oh, hey, Lucie.” Kade looks anxious, but he makes his way over to me. “It’s good to see you here.”
I extend my hand out for him to shake it. As his hand slides into mine, electricity bolts right through my system. I guess there’s still something there between us after all this time which is ridiculous. I’m starting to think that it won’t ever go. Urgh, I’m always going to have something for the guy that I can’t have.
“Hi, Kade. It’s good to see you too. It’s been a very long time, hasn’t it? Did you have a good time?”
I can see guilt cross his face, I wonder if that’s to do with me and the terrible way that he left things. Of course, he didn’t know what he was leaving behind when he left the country, he didn’t know that his seed was growing inside of me, and that I would be left a single mom because of his actions. But still he feels bad.