by Carina Adams
It was the same question I’d been avoiding asking myself. When Roman asked it, though, I had to answer it. “I don’t know.” I dropped my gaze to my feet. “When I’m with him, I do. Now, I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Because of me.”
“Yes.” I forced myself to look at him. “Because I don’t want to hurt you, either. Most of all, because I don’t want to hurt me.” I couldn’t see my life without either of them.
His eyes narrowed and his lips pursed in thought. With a curt nod, he moved to the door and pulled it open without a warning. “Let’s go find Reid.”
Reid and Vi were in the make-shift dressing room on the other side of the banquette hall. The party was over, not a single guest remained, and the hotel staff had come in to start breaking the room down. Thankfully none of them glanced in my direction, but I pulled the shirt tighter anyway.
“Hey!” Vi called as she jumped out of her chair when we walked in. “I’ve been worried.”
Reid put his arms around me and pulled me close before he dropped a kiss on my lips. “We knew you’d come back because all your stuff is here,” he explained. “Where you been?”
“Talking,” Roman answered, his tone hard.
They stared at each other, that uncanny ability to read each other and leave everyone else out. Then Reid nodded and reached for my hand. “They need to clean in here. Let’s get back to the room and get you out of costume.”
“Please.” My head continued to spin as we gathered my stuff. Thankfully we didn’t see anyone on the elevator and the only guests we ran into in the halls were oblivious. We dropped Violet off at her room first, then Roman walked with us to ours.
It was an awkward goodbye. Roman’s eyes lingered on me, then he glanced at Reid with an accusation I didn’t understand. “You should talk.”
My stomach clenched as nerves flooded it and I thought I was going to be sick. He was right, of course. I would have preferred the chance to slowly ease Reid into the truth of my indiscretion, but the best thing to do was rip the Band-Aid off.
Reid hesitated, almost as if he was just as nervous as I was. “Do you want to come in? It seems like we should all be here for this.”
Roman didn’t look at me. “No. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He turned and strode down the hall. His shoulders drooped. And my heart broke.
Thirty-Six
Reid
I watched him walk down the hall, but didn’t move.
Once he rounded the corner, I unlocked the door and held it open for Cady. She went in and headed straight for her suitcase, but I couldn’t shake the feeling I needed to go talk to Rome. When she turned around, clothes in hand, and saw me standing by the door, she paled.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” I forced a smile. “Why don’t you go take a shower? I need to go talk to Roman really quick.”
“I kissed him.”
I’d started to turn around but paused and twisted back to her.
Her hands were shaking and she looked positively horrified. “I kissed him,” she repeated, this time with less panic in her voice.
“Okay. Then maybe brush extra good while you’re in there?”
She hugged the clothes to her chest and for a moment I thought she was going to burst into tears.
“Hey,” I moved to her and wrapped her in my arms. “Don’t cry.”
I leaned back so I could see her face. I wanted to kiss her, to make it all better, but she avoided my eyes.
“That’s what he wants us to talk about. I kissed him.”
I cradled her chin. “I don’t think it is. But thank you for telling me.”
“I also told him I loved him.” She blew out a sad breath.
“Okay.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
I tried not to show any amusement. It wasn’t funny to her. Maybe she hadn’t even realized how she’d felt before she’d uttered those three little words to him.
I tried to find the right words. “We work in a sexually charged industry, where we sell a fantasy, one we sometimes believe. We spend a lot of time with a very small group of people. Emotions get involved. You and Roman have an intense chemistry everyone but the two of you can see. It makes sense.”
She started to shake her head, but I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Take a shower. I’ve got to go talk to Roman. I’ll be back before you know I’m gone.”
She didn’t argue. She didn’t look convinced, either.
Roman opened his door almost immediately, as if he’d been waiting for me. I followed him into his room and he held out a glass tumbler half full of amber liquid. He hadn’t just expected me to show up, he’d known I would come.
“Do you love her?”
No beating around the bush. “I do.”
“No,” his jaw clenched. “I need you to think about it. Do you love her more than you love me?”
The question caught me off guard. We’d never talked about how I felt about him. It was an unspoken understanding that it was there, but we didn’t acknowledge it.
“Don’t look so surprised.” He leaned back against the small table. “I’ve known how you felt about me since we were fifteen.”
That was a shock. I hadn’t told anyone back then. The truth had been a scary concept.
“You never said anything.”
“What could I say?” He opened his mouth, ready to add more, but then closed it, and bit his lip instead. After a moment of internal struggle, he continued. “I’m not wired the way you are. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I love you, but I don’t feel it the same way you do. I can’t give you that piece of me.”
“I never asked you to.”
“No. But that’s why we’ve never talked about it.” He looked into his glass. “Did you ever question how I ended up with Brooke?”
I frowned. I already knew. Brooke had been the first person I’d admitted my secret to. I’d told her I was I was attracted to him. When she got it into her head that a three-some was the right thing for us, it hadn’t been a hard sell for me.
Roman, on the other hand, had been appalled. We’d bombarded him one night while we were all at the Inn. When we’d told him that we’d asked him because we both trusted him, that we wanted him to join us, he’d looked at us like we were crazy. He’d avoided us for weeks after.
“I loved her, too. When we were kids, I mean. She was beautiful and sweet and being around her made me feel like I was alive.”
I’d known he cared about her. We were all great friends. And Brooke had a charismatic vibe that drew everyone to her. Yet, I’d never have guessed Roman had loved her then.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you loved her.”
“I did. That night at the party…” I paused as I remembered the night Brooke and I got together. “You shoved me toward her.”
He sighed. “You were struggling to understand your sexuality. She was the one girl you paid attention to. I wasn’t going to get in the way. If I’d known then that she was never going to be good enough for you, I might have done things differently.
“When you asked me to join you that first time, I didn’t want to. I’d done some crazy shit already, you know that. Hell of a lot more than you two. But, being with the two of you felt like I was crossing a line and I knew it would change us.”
I sunk onto the edge his bed. “Why’d you change your mind?” I’d always speculated, yet never had the balls to ask.
“Because it was the only way I could ever give you what you wanted.”
I ground my teeth. I didn’t want the answer, but I had to know. “And what did I want?”
“Me.”
He had me there. We’d worked for China at the time. Every single night I’d watch the famous Jupiter take the stage and I’d leave more confused than I’d been the day before.
“It was the only way I could give you me.”
“Aren’t you
just selfless,” I sneered. “You got plenty out of it, too.”
His face fell in shame. “I loved her, too. If I’d wanted to, I could have taken her in a heartbeat without the months of the three of us sharing a bed.”
He was right. I’d only ever been a stepping stone for Brooke. A means to a MacGregor end. I’d used her just as much as she’d used me, because those nights spent with them meant I got to be with him. I couldn’t complain.
“You took her in the end though. It was your ring on her finger, not mine.”
“Ask me why.”
We’d never talked about. We’d had spats now and then, made snide comments about it, but I’d never outright asked either of them why she’d broken up with me. Or why they hadn’t waited more than a few days to declare to the world they were a couple. They’d gotten engaged six months later.
“Why?” It didn’t matter anymore, but curiosity got the best of me.
He set his glass on the table and braced his hands on the edge of the wood. “Because you didn’t love her more than you loved me. Because at the end of the day, you would have always picked me. I picked her.”
I lifted my drink and downed it in one gulp. It burned all the way down. He had a goddamn good point and I hated him a little because of it.
“What does any of this have to do with Ruffles?”
“Cady.”
“What?”
“We’re not on the clock. Her name is Cady.”
I stared at him. Violet was Vi, on and off the clock. All our dancers were. Except for Cady.
She’d always been special. The woman we both loved. The fact that it was usually me that corrected the mistake was not lost on me.
“Do you love Cady more than you love me?”
“Right now I hate you a little bit.”
He smirked and bit his lip to keep from laughing. I fought the attraction and looked away from him.
“Answer the fucking question.”
I’d loved him for so long I didn’t know how to answer. When I looked at him, I saw all of his good traits and none of the bad. He’d been the first person I called when I had good news or I was nervous, and the last person I’d spoken to at night. He’d been my everything for years.
Somehow, Cady had replaced parts of him. I wanted to share my day with her more than I wanted to talk to anyone else. I longed to end every night with her next to me.
There was a need I couldn’t explain deep in my soul. I wanted to wrap her in my arms, shelter her from the world, take her away and spend the rest of my days getting lost in her. Yet, equally strong was the urge to stand back and quietly support her while she found herself. I wanted to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out a way to get a combination of the two, to find a happy medium.
I shook my head when I realized where my thoughts had taken me. I met his eyes once more. “I think I do.”
He smiled. It wasn’t faked or exaggerated. It wasn’t filled with humor. It was one of the rare ones, reserved for these he cared about.
“Then go tell her.”
“She just told me she loves you, so I’m not sure my feelings matter much.”
“She’s confused. She and I got caught up.”
“In the fantasy of the job?” I asked snidely. “Yeah, that’s what I told her. You can’t sell me on that bullshit. I created it.”
“Touché.” He chuckled. “Cady is torn. She loves us both. And we both love her. So, I’m bowing out. Without me in the equation, there’s no confusion”.”
I was suspicious. “Why?
He sighed and sucked on his teeth. “I hate that you have a piece of her I never will, that you think you know her better than I do. It destroys me to know she loves you as much as she loves me. At the end of the day, though, the two of you being happy means more to me than anything else. I’ll settle and be the best friend, just to have you both in my life. I’ve had your back for all this time, now I’ll watch out for you both. That’s enough for me.”
“What if I’d said no?”
“I’d take her from you in a heartbeat. I’d be on my way to your room, right now, to get my girl. Because she deserves someone who will put her first.” He stood and took my glass. “Go get your girl. Tell her you love her. Be honest, tell her the truth about us, about Brooke. Start off right. And for fuck’s sake, don’t ever let her go.”
I hugged him. Something I hadn’t done in years. He hugged me back.
“I love you.”
He smiled. “And I love you, brother.”
I found Cady in the middle of our bed, hair soaking wet, bottom lip swollen and bright red from where she’d been chewing it. I didn’t even kick off my shoes, just crawled in next to her and pulled her into my arms.
“Is everything okay?”
I hated how worried she sounded. “It is now.” I kissed her. “We should talk though.”
She nodded as her teeth sunk into her bottom lip. I pulled if free with my thumb.
“I want us to start out with a clean slate. Complete honesty. So, there are some things you need to know.”
I took a deep breath and then started. “I’ve been in love with Roman since I was a kid.”
She frowned slightly, but listened as I told her things I never thought I’d tell anyone. Her hand never left mine, and there was no judgment on her face. I explained the history, my sexuality, my continued friendship with Brooke. I wanted it all out. I needed her to know me.
The only thing I didn’t share was the fact that Roman was as completely and utterly in love with her as I was. He’d bowed out. We needed to let him go.
She, in turn, explained her feelings about my best friend and told me about their interactions. My hands fisted when I realized she’d seen a side of Roman I never had. And my heart ached for him, because I understood what that meant. He truly loved her.
We agreed to focus on us, work on our relationship, and try to separate Soiree from reality as much as possible.
When we were done she let out a deep breath. “For a massive douche, he’s really easy to love, isn’t he?”
I laughed and pulled her into my lap. “Yeah, I guess he is.” And even harder to stop loving.
“So, everything is going to be the same? We’re all going to be okay?”
I didn’t know. She needed reassurance though, so that’s what I gave her.
“It’ll be back to normal. When we wake up, we’ll sign the contract for the show at Sway, go home, study, dance, and repeat. And be us.”
“I love you.”
The words surprised me. I was usually the first to say it. And I wasn’t sure if I could believe that she was there yet. It was amazing to hear, though.
I fisted her hair, yanked her head back, and grinned down at her. “Not as much as I love you.”
Thirty-Seven
Cady
I glanced around the practically full café. It was almost Christmas, for heaven’s sake. I’d assumed most of the college crowd would have headed home by now. Lord knew they didn’t have any reason to stay. Unless they like the fluffy white crap that had covered the ground and bitter cold temps that made me long for summer.
I hurried up to the counter, ordered my favorite cold brew—and ignored the way the baristas scoffed that I’d drink an iced coffee in ten-degree weather—and a bottle of water, then searched the room again while I waited. I didn’t see him. It wasn’t like him to be late.
I pulled my phone from my back pocket to see if I’d missed his call or text. Nothing. Just as I was about to slide it back into my jeans, it vibrated and a message appeared from him.
Back here, you goof.
I rolled my eyes and attempted to stomp down my smile as I let my eyes move slowly around Perk Up. I found him at a familiar table in the far back corner, as far away from everyone as possible. He smiled and raised a hand in welcome when my eyes landed on him.
Thankfully, they called my name and I had to turn away. I hated the way my body immediately reacted to his. Sometime
s, when I was distracted, the emotions I tried to keep buried deep surfaced before I could stop them. It was those moments when I knew my face betrayed me.
I grabbed a straw, slid the water into my bag, and smiled at him again as I got closer. I hadn’t seen him in almost two weeks. Soiree was on break, which had been awesome for my finals, but I missed my friends.
I maneuvered around the tables and squeezed my way between patrons, without breaking eye contact or spilling my drink. “You picked this table on purpose, didn’t you?” I asked with a laugh as I settled in next to him.
Roman tipped his head and lifted a shoulder. “It was available.”
I leaned forward and sniffed him. “Hm. You don’t smell drunk.”
“What are you talking about, crazy girl?”
The nickname made my breath catch. He rarely used it anymore and when he did, it reminded me of something I’d never really had, yet I missed just the same.
“I wasn’t sure what I’d find when I got here. You did have last night off.” With an evil grin, I pulled the bottle of water and a package of Alka-Seltzer from my bag and dropped them onto the table in front of him. “Merry Christmas.”
He cocked a brow and looked down at me, unimpressed.
“I wanted to be prepared. Just in case. And, no. I’m not giving free shit to the customer. They’re mine.”
“Yeah? You just happen to carry medicine around in your purse?” His façade broke and he laughed as he reached out to tug on a piece of my hair. “Wow, you’re an ass.”
“True story, but I figured if we were coming back to the scene of the crime, I might as well be prepared for anything.”
“Why are we here? Why couldn’t we just meet at Soiree?”
“Better coffee.” I glanced over my shoulder. “There is a method to my madness, I promise.”
His eyes narrowed playfully. “What are you up to?”
“Me?” I asked innocently. “Why would I be up to something?” My phone vibrated and I turned to wave at the door without reading the message.
When Frankie stepped up to the table a moment later, Roman gave me a pointed look. I snorted a little and fought back a laugh.