by Price, Sarah
She felt Menno stiffen. You almost died because of me. She knew those words stung her husband. It was the unspoken mountain lingering for weeks in their lives. You almost died because of me. It was the grief that burdened Melvin’s soul and ached Menno’s heart. To her relief, he held back any reaction to his son’s words.
“Melvin,” Mary Ruth said softly. “I didn’t die. Whether I would have or not was in God’s hands. Not yours, son. It’s about time to move forward, now, don’t you reckon?”
He blinked his eyes and glanced first at her and then at his daed. He looked confused, as if expecting a stronger scolding or a punishment. When he realized that none was coming, he frowned. “That’s it?”
Mary Ruth reached out and touched his knee. “You’ve been punishing yourself enough for the past few weeks, ain’t so?”
“You…you knew?”
She nodded her head and smiled. “We knew.”
Her revelation appeared to stun Melvin. His mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. At that moment, when the light slowly began to return to his expression, the dark cloud slowly lifting, she would have given anything to have the ability to read his mind.
“And you never said anything?”
“Figured you’d know when it was best to confess,” Menno said as he stood up, his knees cracking. “We usually do.” Reaching out his hand for Mary Ruth, he helped her to her feet. While his tone to Melvin surprised her, she noticed how he squeezed her hand, reassuring her that he approved of how she handled his son. “Now, let’s get into the house and greet Katie before supper is served.”
Together, the three of them walked through the barn and headed outside into the cold, Menno with his arm around his son’s shoulders and Mary Ruth beside her husband. For the first time in weeks, Melvin walked with his head held high, a burden lifted from his shoulders. Mary Ruth smiled, glad to see the change in his confidence. She only hoped that he understood the lesson learned: only by facing one’s mistakes and accepting responsibility for them could one begin the process of healing.
Katie lit up when she saw Melvin walk in with his parents. The commotion in the room overshadowed all conversation so she didn’t bother to call out for his attention. She knew that he would find her when he was ready. So she waited patiently.
“What was the hospital like?” Benjamin asked, kneeling on the sofa beside her. “Was it scary, sleeping there?”
Katie shook her head. “Nee, it wasn’t. The nurses were all right nice and let me have as much jello as I wanted!”
Benjamin’s eyes lit up. “Jello?”
“And lots of apple juice and cookies!”
“Not fair!” he whined. “I want to stay in the hospital!”
Anna cast a dark look at him. “Let’s hope that never happens, Benjamin!” she scolded. “You get plenty of sweets here, anyway.”
Katie leaned over and whispered into her brother’s ear. “Mamm’s cookies are an awful lot better!”
He giggled and Katie saw her mamm smile approvingly. It felt good to be home!
“Katie,” a voice said from beside her.
She looked up and, when she saw Melvin, she tried to hide her grin. Just from the way his eyes lit up, she knew what he wanted to tell her. But words were unnecessary. “I was wondering where you were hiding,” she teased.
He shuffled his feet, his hands thrust into the front pockets of his pants. With a sheepish smile, he looked down at the floor. “Had something to discuss with my parents before I could see you,” he admitted. “Sure is right gut to see you back at home. You had a lot of people worried.”
Katie shrugged her shoulders. “God took good care of me, I reckon.”
“That He did.” With a quick glance around to make certain no one was listening, Melvin leaned forward to whisper in her ear. “And I’m glad He did!”
She felt a blush colored her cheeks.
Mary Ruth interrupted them as she walked over to place her hand on Melvin’s shoulder. “Katie, you need some help getting to the table? Melvin and I can assist.”
Determined to do it on her own, Katie shook her head. “Nee, but danke,” she said cheerfully as she stood up, steadying her balance by keeping her hand on the arm of the sofa. “It’s not so bad once I get up. Just a little dizziness and then I’m right as rain!”
The long tables set up in the large gathering room were set with a variety of place settings. The children sat at one end of the table while the adults occupied the other. Smaller kinner sat next to their older siblings or cousins so that someone could help serve them. Katie made certain to sit between Melvin’s sisters since most of the boys sat together on the other side of the table.
When everyone was settled, a silence fell across the room and Elias bent his head to indicate the start of the silent prayer. Katie peeked out of the corner of her eye, glancing in Melvin’s direction. She wasn’t surprised to see that he, too, had stolen a secret glance at her. They smiled and bowed their heads back to finish their private prayer.
As soon as Elias lifted his head, energy returned to the air as arms reached across the table for platters and bowls to pass around the table. The noise of happy conversation mixed with the clinking of silverware against porcelain plates warmed everyone’s heart..
Katie answered questions from Suzanna and her other cousins about what it was like to stay overnight in the hospital. The smaller children stared at her with big, curious eyes as if she had just returned from a grand adventure, something akin to a foreign country, which made Katie feel especially grown-up. The questions from her cousins demonstrated more than just an interest in her experience. Indeed, they also wanted to know what life was like in the world of the Englische. It dawned on Katie that, even though she was one of the younger kinner in the family, she was the only one who had ever stayed outside of the Amish community.
“Now, now,” she heard her mamm say as she leaned forward and peered down the length of the table. “Enough talk about that hospital.” She shook her head and clicked her tongue a few times disapprovingly. “Hope I never have to see the inside of that place again,” she muttered to Mary Ruth who was seated beside her.
Katie rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the food on her plate. It had been almost a week since she had tasted good home-cooked food. She savored each bite, from the honey-roasted ham to the buttery mashed potatoes to the vinegary tang of the pickled cabbage and the chow chow. She reached for a second slice of fresh bread and slathered soft homemade butter across it.
“Bet the food wasn’t as gut as this,” Melvin whispered across the table, a smile on his face.
Emphatically, Katie shook her head. “Nothing’s as good as Mamm’s cooking,” she said and then, looking up, quickly correcting herself: “Grossmammi Miriam’s food, too!”
At that, the adults laughed aloud and Anna smiled at her daughter.
The conversation shifted to new topics and the warmth of the room grew as bright as the light from the kerosene lanterns. Katie bit into her slice of bread and sighed, happy to be home and knowing that, no matter what anyone ever said, home was the best, if not the only, place to be.
Shortly after the meal was over and dessert served, Steve quietly excused himself, walking around the table to whisper to Mimi that they needed to return home. It was milking time. When he said the words in her ear, he noticed that she cringed. He only hoped no one else witnessed her reaction.
“Leaving already, then?” Elias said, standing up to shake his son’s hand.
“Milking time.”
Elias placed his hand on Steve’s shoulder and lowered his voice as he turned to walk his son toward the door. “I’m thinking it’s about that time you start weaning those cows on a regular 12 hour schedule.” He nodded toward Mimi. “The extra money ain’t worth it, not now that you’re a family man.”
Steve stopped walking. Her subdued nature during the meal had bothered him. Several times, his gaze had wandered across the table to watch his fraa. She barely ate anyth
ing, merely sitting there pushing at her food with her fork. When Lizzie asked her straight out if she was feeling poorly, Mimi didn’t seem to hear her at first, despite Lizzie’s loud, booming voice that seemed to carry through the air. When Lizzie repeated her question, the room became quiet and even Steve called her name, embarrassed that Mimi’s catatonic state was more than obvious to all of the adults in the gathering.
What he hadn’t counted on was his daed actually taking him aside to discuss the matter with him.
“We all noticed the change in her over the past few weeks,” Elias continued, his voice low so that others couldn’t overhear. “Your erratic schedule…why, changing to more of a routine might be the best Christmas gift you could give your fraa.”
Was it that simple? There was a knowing look, however, on his face. It dawned on Steve that, even with the distraction from Katie’s accident, not a lot went unnoticed by his parents. In all of his life, Steve couldn’t recall even one single occasion when his daed had offered unsolicited advice. Certainly, his parents must have noticed and discussed the situation for his daed to come forward in such a manner.
Steve frowned.
Elias lifted his shoulders and shrugged. “Not my business, of course. Mayhaps you might just consider it, though.”
Feeling ashamed, Steve glanced over his shoulder at Mimi. How could he not have seen what was so taxing on his beloved fraa? How had he missed the signs? And to have his own father point out what was, in hindsight, so obvious? He avoided looking at him when he nodded his head and replied, “I will, Daed, I will.”
In silence they walked home. The air felt crisp and cold, the hint of snow slowly slipping onto its edge. He breathed in deeply, enjoying the way that the cold clung to his lungs. Unlike many other farmers, Steve always found winter to be refreshing. However, he tried to look at it with a new set of eyes: Mimi’s.
All of her life, she had lived in a comfortable home with a regular routine. When she awoke in the morning, the sun was already rising. There was no need for her to arise before the sky lit up red, then turning to orange and eventually blue. Breakfast was served at the same time every morning and so was supper in the evening. During the day, she worked at the store with her parents, free to leave if she needed to run an errand. Her weekends were always free to visit or work at the market. Indeed, prior to marriage, her life was truly much simpler.
“Mimi,” he said, reaching out to take her hand. The gesture must have startled her for she jumped when his fingers entwined with hers. “I’ve been thinking…”
In the blue glow of dusk, he saw her glance at him, but she remained silent. A weight of unspoken expectation hung between them.
“Ja, vell,” he continued, gently squeezing her hand just enough to keep her attention. “Mayhaps it might be best if I try to regulate the dairy milking to a twelve-hour schedule.” He thought he saw her catch her breath. “I mean, with us being married and all, we have more family things to do and the other schedule, the ten hour one, is a bit tough on routine, don’t you think?”
“Oh!” The word, so simple and breathless, said it all.
He stopped walking and turned toward her. The hopeful look on her face caused his heart to beat faster. How had he missed something so small; yet something that had caused so much pain? He reached up and touched her cheek. “That would help a bit, wouldn’t it?”
She leaned her cheek against his palm and shut her eyes. As he watched, he thought he could actually see the weight lifted from her shoulders. “Ja, Steve,” she whispered. “That sure would help some.”
He tilted her chin so that he could stare down into her shadow-kissed face. He thought he saw a tear glisten in the corner of her eye and he wiped it away with his finger. “I’m sorry, Mimi. I didn’t see what it was doing to you. That milking schedule,” he said. “With so much change in your life, I can imagine that it only added to the stress. But I want you to know something, Mimi Fisher…” He waited until she lifted her eyes and looked directly at him. “Whatever it takes, we will get through this together. You hear me?”
She nodded her head as another tear trickled down her cheek. Only this time, he suspected, it wasn’t necessarily a tear of sorrow. As if reading his mind, she gave him a soft smile. “Danke, Steve.”
He pulled her into his arms, hugging her close to him. Her head rested on his shoulder and he saw the vapor of her breath linger in the cold air. After a few long moments, he pulled back and kissed her forehead. “It’s cold out, Mimi,” he said. “Let’s get you home, ja?”
Together, walking side by side, they hurried through the increasing darkness to cross the street and return to their farm, sharing a new sense of calm and understanding. Steve took a deep breath as he let her into their small house, knowing that the advice from his daed was more than just about the awkward milking schedule: it was about a husband’s obligation to consider others’ needs, especially his fraa’s, before his own. It was an important lesson for Steve and something he would have to consider more in the future.
Epilogue
Miriam sat down at the table, the kerosene lantern casting a soft glow over the contents of the package. It had arrived two days earlier, but she hadn’t opened it. Instead, she had set it aside after bringing it into the house. It sat on the desk for one day before she moved it to the bedroom. Finally, tonight, after hesitating for so long, she retrieved the package and, after fixing herself a cup of nice warm tea, proceeded to open it.
Her hesitation came from knowing how much had happened since she started this particular circle of letters. She almost didn’t want to read all the letters within the envelope. Each one told a story, a story of faith and hope, love and dreams. But hope and dreams sometimes broke between one letter and the next. Indeed, it often was what the letters didn’t say that hung heavy upon her heart.
With the new year upon them, Miriam pondered whether or not to start another circle of letters. She knew that by the time the letters would come full circle, there would be both good news as well as bad ones contained in the package. There would definitely be one or two new babies to welcome into the family. That would bring her much joy. She also suspected there would be some very bad news along the way.
Still, she felt a strong thread of connection with her family as she flipped over one of the envelopes, running a letter opener along the top seam. The ripping noise cut through the silence in the room and she took a deep breath as she reached inside to extract its contents but was stopped in the middle of her gesture by Elias’ inquiry:
“Reading your letters?”
She looked up and smiled at her husband. “Ja, that I am.”
He walked over to her and placed his hand upon her shoulder, glancing down at the stack of letters. “We just saw everyone the other weekend.”
Miriam scowled at him. “I know that, Elias. But this is different.” She skipped one of the letters, which was her own, and picked up the second one in the pile. It was written in Rachel’s handwriting. “It’s a story, you see. A story between me and my dochders.”
Elias leaned down and kissed the top of her head, his lips landing partially on her prayer kapp. “As long as it makes you happy,” he said.
“It does.”
“I imagine you’re going to do another one, then?” He didn’t wait for her answer as he stretched his arms and yawned. “Ja vell, you read your letters and I’m going to bed. That makes me happy. Sleep.”
She laughed at him and he smiled, his eyes catching the light from the lantern. “I’ll be in momentarily. I just want to see what the girls wrote.”
He shuffled into the bedroom and, once the door closed behind him, she returned her attention to the papers in her hand. With a deep breath, she slowly started to read Rachel’s letter.
Dear Family,
I awoke early this morning and am sitting in the darkness of my kitchen. My heart swells with joy for the happiness of our dear bruder, Steve. Yesterday’s celebration was very special for me. It was so won
derful to see such joy on all the faces. But it was also a celebration of life, one that I found especially meaningful now that my own husband has gone through his first treatment for the cancer.
I know that by the time Mamm reads my letter, this mailing will have come to a full circle and we will see whether or not the treatment will help. But regardless, I know that it is God’s will, in His infinite wisdom to make that ultimate decision…
Glossary of Pennsylvania Dutch
Ach vell An expression similar to Oh Well
Aendi Aunt
Ausbund Amish hymnal
Boppli Baby
Bruder Brother
Buwe Boy
Daed Father
Danke Thank you
Englische Non-Amish people
Englischer A non-Amish person
Ferhoodled Confused
Fraa Wife
G’may Church district
Grossdaadi Grandfather
Grossdaadihaus Small house attached to the main house
Grossmammi Grandmother
Gut Good
Gut mariye Good morning
Gut nochmidawk Good afternoon
Ja Yes
Kinner Children
Kum esse Come here
Leddich Unmarried
Loblieb A special hymn sung during church
Mamm Mother
Nee No
Onkel Uncle
Ordnung Unwritten rules that govern the g’may
Rumschpringe Period of “fun” time for youths
Schwester Sister
Wie gehts? What’s going on?
Book Excerpt #1
from The Divine Secrets
of the Whoopie Pie Sisters
by Sarah Price and Whoopie Pie Pam Jarrell