by Sharon Green
“Considering how browbeaten my sisters are, of course I’m the one responsible,” I agreed pleasantly. “I thought about Father’s various friends on the bench, and decided I would be foolish to simply wait until he arranged for our disagreement to come up before them. ‘He who strikes first strikes best,’ Father always says, and he certainly is right.”
“Your outrageous display of cheek is making me extremely angry, Tamrissa,” she said, the growl still in her tone. “When your father proves his innocence he will return and see to your punishment, so you’d better move quickly, young lady. If you make them release him now, your punishment will be a good deal milder.”
“I find it amazing that at one time I would have responded to that by doing just as you said,” I commented, forcing away all awareness of my lesser self’s worry. “Now, of course, I know it for the nonsense it is, as nothing I told the court was untrue. If Father denies the charges they’ll make him testify under that drug that forces people to tell the truth, and then he’ll support what I said. After the judges show how angry perjury makes them, I doubt that he’ll be in a position to punish anyone.”
“I have no idea what’s come over you, but I want it to stop this minute,” she said sharply, sounding just as she had for all the years of my growing up. “This disagreement is a family matter, and family matters are to be kept private. Go and do what you must to have your father released, and then we’ll all sit down and discuss whatever happens to be bothering you. Your father has never been concerned about anything but what’s best for you, and—”
“Oh, please, Mother!” I interrupted, fighting to hold my temper. “All you’re doing is repeating the same self-serving lies I’ve heard my entire life. You and Father don’t care about anyone but yourselves, so you have no right to complain now that you’re receiving that kind of treatment rather than giving it. I’m sick of the both of you, and I want you out of my house. Now!”
I’d stood up by then, holding my mother’s gaze as I’d never before been able to do. She stared back at me with fury and hatred, blaming me for having learned to be so much like my parents, then drew herself up as she looked away.
“You’ll regret this, girl, you have my word that you’ll regret this,” she stated very softly, then turned and walked out. I waited until she left the room before sitting down again, and that was when Jovvi and Lorand left their own chairs. Lorand walked to the door to make sure my mother actually left the house, and Jovvi came over to me.
“It’s all right, you did perfectly well,” she said soothingly, putting an arm around my shoulders. “You aren’t letting yourself feel all those tearing emotions, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. She did her best to twist you around in an effort to keep her husband from having to pay for what he’s done, and she’s shocked that this time it didn’t work. The two of them don’t ever expect to have to pay for what they do to others, which is one of the reasons they’re so uncaring. Whatever happens to your father will be his fault, not yours for refusing to be his victim again.”
“Understanding that intellectually isn’t quite the same as understanding it emotionally,” I said, fighting not to be overwhelmed by those tearing emotions Jovvi had mentioned. “If I weren’t still touching the power, I’d probably be running after her and begging for forgiveness. Forgive me for not letting you turn my life into a horror again, Mother. Forgive me for not letting you do as you please with me, Father. I have to be insane, Jovvi, or I would never feel like this.”
“It isn’t insanity,” Jovvi told me with a hug and a sigh. “It’s part of everyone’s nature to want to please their parents, so that those parents will love them. If doing the wrong thing brings that love, we do the wrong thing and consider it right. You’ve broken out of the pattern, but staying out will take all the strength you have.”
“She’s gone, and I think it’s time we talked about something else,” Lorand said, coming over to crouch beside my chair and put a gentle hand to my face. “I don’t think you ladies know that I managed to speak privately to Meerk this morning.”
“I certainly didn’t,” Jovvi said as I shook my head to agree with her. “Has he found your friend Hat yet?”
“He can’t even find a trace of him, and it’s begun to drive him wild,” Lorand replied with heavy disappointment in his voice. “No one knows anything and no one has seen anything, not even for silver. The challengers were brought to the building and afterward were taken away again, just as they always are. Where they come from and where they were taken, no one knows or cares.”
“That doesn’t sound good at all,” I said, gratefully taking Lorand’s problem in place of my own. “If your friend had been turned loose after the challenge, Meerk would have been able to find him even if he promptly got drunk again. What bothers me most is the way he began to shout about the challenge being nothing but a show. If he refused to stop saying that, they might have refused to release him.”
“I’ve already thought of that, and so did Meerk,” Lorand said with a headshake. “That’s why he tried to find any of the challengers, thinking it would be easier to locate four than one. He’s had everyone he knows out and looking, but there isn’t a trace of the other four either.”
“Which means either that they’re dead, or the government has found another use for them,” Jovvi said, putting a hand to Lorand’s arm. “I know what you’re feeling, my dear, but denying the probable truth doesn’t change it. There’s nothing we can do about it now, but if we win the competitions…”
“Yes, I know,” Lorand agreed heavily. “I’ve been telling myself the same thing, but that hasn’t stopped me from wanting to become furious. And Meerk has decided not to give up. Somewhere in this city is someone who knows what became of those people, and he’s determined to find that someone. I have the feeling that Meerk is more than he appears to be, but how much more and precisely what, I simply don’t know.”
“What I know is that I’m suddenly in the mood for a soak in the bath house,” Jovvi said as Lorand straightened up. “I’m also in the mood for company, but not male company. That means you, Tamma, so let’s go.”
I tried to refuse her very unsubtle invitation, but she pulled me out of the chair and dragged me along with her. Part of me wanted to be alone, but another part shivered at the idea of being alone with my thoughts. So I let myself be bullied into going along, and the time was unbelievably peaceful. Jovvi and I soaked in silence, but her presence made me know that I’d never be alone again—and that there were people who really did love me. I didn’t have to become a victim again to be loved, and that knowledge was true freedom.
After bathing I stayed in my apartment until dinner, mostly to keep from running into Vallant. I’d been trying my best to annoy the life out of him, but it was becoming harder and harder to do. Most of me wanted to do something other than annoy him, despite what I’d learned about the pain of becoming involved. I did have to lie with him, that went without saying, but if I could just put the time off long enough… The first day of the competitions would certainly be insane enough to distract me from anything that might have happened the night before…
At the last moment I decided to take dinner in my apartment. My insides still felt bruised from the confrontation I’d had with my mother, which meant I was in no condition to argue with Vallant the way I’d been doing. If I saw him I was more likely to ask him to hold me, and that would ruin every one of my very sensible plans. It’s ridiculous that weakness so often overcomes common sense, and I couldn’t help wondering if it were just me…
I expected Jovvi and Lorand to come by after dinner, to tell me what Vallant had learned from Pagin Holter if for no other reason. By the time it occurred to me that he might not have learned anything, I’d already begun to yawn. I’d had an upsetting day and was in need of a good night’s sleep, which would give me the strength to hold my own during the next morning’s practice. We’d taken to testing our limits, and that required more than a little effort�
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The yawning began to get out of hand while I undressed, so I wasn’t surprised when I fell asleep immediately after getting into bed. I seemed to sleep only for a short while before I began to dream, and at first I felt surprised to know that I dreamt. Then the surprise went away, replaced with the idea that it was all perfectly normal.
In my dream I sat up against my pillows in bed, having already relit one of the room’s lamps with my talent. The door to my bedchamber opened and Vallant came in, wearing a wrap and the sort of stare he’d been giving me for the last few days. When he saw me watching him, he grinned faintly.
“If you’re waitin’ for me to start performin’ immediately, you’re in for a small disappointment,” he said as he circled to the other side of the bed. “I don’t believe in performin’ alone, and in any event prefer to take my time.”
“What are you doing in my dream?” I asked, watching as he reached to the tie of his wrap. I had to admit that I really wanted to see his body again, and since this was a dream there was no reason why I shouldn’t.
“I’m here because you want me here,” he replied, pausing before opening his wrap. “If for some reason that doesn’t happen to be true, I’ll leave again at once.”
“No, I don’t want you to leave,” I decided after a moment. “I don’t ever really want you to leave, but I simply can’t cope with the ups and downs that go into a relationship. There are so many uncertainties, so many times when all you can do is hope for the best… I’m not very good at hoping.”
“That’s why you need me,” he said with a tender expression, taking off the wrap and tossing it aside before getting into bed. “I’ve got lots of experience with hopin’, so I can do it for the both of us. Why don’t you try it and see if you like it?”
His arms were around me by then, and I discovered that being held was a lot better than simply looking at his marvelous body. He was so broad and strong, and yet so gentle and tender at the same time. I felt absolutely no fear of him, and for that, at least in part, I had Rion and Lorand to thank. It would have killed me if I’d flinched away from Vallant’s touch … not when he meant so much to me…
“I’ve been waitin’ a long time to give you my physical love, but it’s goin’ to have to wait a bit longer,” Vallant murmured as I held to him tightly, my cheek against the warmth of his chest. “Holdin’ you in my arms like this feels too good for me to want to rush it. You don’t mind, do you?”
My lips already curved in a smile from his offer to do my hoping for me, and now the curve deepened at the thought that I might mind being held like something very precious and dear. I shook my head in answer to his question, unwilling to intrude on my enjoyment with words, and he simply made a sound of satisfied acknowledgment. We would do no more than hold each other for a while, letting everything else wait.
I expected the wait to be a long one, or even that he might suddenly dissolve back into dreamstuff, but neither thing happened. Instead my desire for him began to increase, heating my blood so quickly that it startled me. It hadn’t been like this with Rion or Lorand, neither the speed nor the intensity of the feelings, and for a moment I didn’t know what to do. Then what to do became obvious, and I raised my face and moved my lips toward his.
His response came so quickly, it was as though we were linked as a Blending entity again. Two minds merged into one, a single thought, a single intention, a single desire. His lips demanded mine as furiously as mine demanded his, and the fire in my blood leaped to his flesh and through it to ignite his own blood. My hands caressed the broad hardness of his back, and his moved around and under my nightgown to explore me thoroughly.
Once again I was the one to cut the preliminaries short. I pulled out of his arms for a moment in order to rid myself of the nightgown, and then I returned to press my body directly against his. His hands came to my face and then his lips had mine again, and I couldn’t keep from burying my fists in his long platinum mane. I wanted him desperately, needed him terribly, and the sounds coming from deep in his throat said he felt the same.
Insanity gripped us after that, but not so far that I failed to notice when he moved above me. It was the moment I’d been hungering for, but he suddenly turned cautious and overly careful! I snarled a curse at all men for either being too uncaring or too solicitous, and arched up high to capture him quickly. When I locked my legs about him he seemed startled, but only for an instant. After that the insanity had him again, and I was able to forget about everything but pleasure.
Even after having lain with Rion and Lorand, I had no idea that pleasure could be so intense. We both flamed with it, on my part again and again, on his part, twice. After his first release I thought with disappointment that we were done, but he quickly showed me that I was in error. Happily in error, deliciously wrong, and we continued on and on until our strength was completely spent.
Afterward we lay side by side for quite a while, gasping to regain the breath we’d lost in so wonderful a way. Vallant held my hand as though we were innocent sweethearts, and finally he raised the hand to his lips.
“I can honestly say that I’ve never had such an incredible experience,” he murmured, then kissed the hand again. “It worried me that you were touchin’ the power, but at some point I found that I was touchin’ it as well. Maybe that was what helped to get me through it alive—or mostly alive.”
He chuckled before kissing my hand again, but I felt puzzled. He was right about the experience having been incredible, but an awful lot of things didn’t make sense.
“But it isn’t possible to touch the power when you’re asleep,” I protested. “And why are you still here? Most dreams fall apart just before you can enjoy them, or at the very least right afterward. And why does it all seem so real…?”
“Why do you keep talkin’ about a dream?” he asked, turning to face me and raising up on one elbow. “I expected you to argue and fight when I just walked in, but I wanted you so badly that I just had to take the chance. And I did give you the chance to tell me to leave, if you’ll recall. Did you think I was lyin’ when I said I would?”
“No,” I replied, suddenly thinking furiously despite my shock. “It’s just… Did you decide on this visit privately, or did you tell the others you were going to try it?”
“I had to tell them,” he responded with a small shrug. “If a riot started, they had to know why and be prepared to keep it as private as possible. Why do you ask?”
“Because now I know why I thought this was all a dream,” I said, more than a little annoyed. “Jovvi and Lorand obviously decided to help you, so first thing tomorrow I’m going to have to murder them. I’d do it now, but I haven’t the strength to move.”
“Was it really that terrible for you?” he asked, and the pain in those very light eyes echoed in the middle of my breast. “If I’d known you would feel like that—”
“Don’t be an idiot,” I interrupted, putting my hand to his face. “I’m going to murder them because it wasn’t terrible at all, quite the opposite. It was even better than I’d thought it would be, but how am I supposed to forget about you now? How can I spend even one more night refusing to lie beside you?”
“The answer is you can’t,” he said, the pain now replaced with loving delight as his arms went around me. “But you haven’t lost anythin’, you’ve gained someone to share strength with. Why not try it for a while before decidin’ whether or not you like it?”
“As if I still had the choice,” I muttered as I snuggled closer to him. “I’m still going to murder them, but maybe not first thing tomorrow. I may let them live until second or third thing. Do you have the strength to put out that lamp?”
“Only just,” he acknowledged, and then the small flame died completely. It was nice not having to bother myself, but not nearly as nice as getting ready to sleep in the arms of the man I cared so much about. Jovvi and Lorand had had no right to interfere with my decision about Vallant, but maybe … after I thought about it for a whi
le … I might not murder them at all…
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Lord Idian Vomak listened to the group’s latest description of how their last practice session had gone, pretending to be interested and attentive. In truth his thoughts kept trying to veer away, distracted by much more important matters. The Advisors were far from happy that they would have to wait until after the competitions before they would have a culprit to blame for three deaths, and they’d taken to making everyone’s life miserable. Happily, though, it would not be for much longer…
“Lord Idian?” he heard, and blinked back to the realization that Kambil spoke to him. “Is that result satisfactory, sir?”
“Completely satisfactory,” he replied with a brief smile, although he had no true idea what he’d been told. “In any event, you must agree that it has to be satisfactory, as tomorrow is the first day of the competitions. Are you all prepared? Beginning to be nervous? If you are, I assure you that it’s quite natural.”
“I think we’re all just bundles of raw nerves,” Delin Moord said with a faint smile, possibly even telling the truth. “The only time we’re not is when we’re Blended. Is that true of the others as well?”
“I really don’t know, as I haven’t spoken to them about it as yet,” Idian replied, fighting not to show his opinion of Moord. In general the man seemed too … sleek to be capable of murder, but Idian had been forced to believe that he might very well be the one… “And at the moment we have other things to discuss, things which are more pressing.”
“About tomorrow?” Lady Selendi asked with thinly veiled excitement. “I’ve been thinking about it for days, and I’ve finally decided what to wear. It’s—”
“Excuse me,” Idian interrupted, “but what you wear is decreed by tradition, not decided individually. Each of you will compete in a white, hooded robe, just as your opponents will. Members of Blendings dress alike to stress the fact that they are in reality one being, and everyone wears white to show that everyone has an equal chance to win to the highest place. That is tradition, and we see no reason to alter it.”