by Jen Campbell
CUSTOMER: I really don’t like the planet today – can you recommend a book set far, far away?
CUSTOMER: I just baked a cake and I’ve burnt it all the way through. Look. (She lifts a very burnt, blackened cake out of her bag.) Do you have a book with instructions on how to fix it?
YOUNG GIRL: Mummy, are the books on the top shelves only for really tall people?
YOUNG BOY: You should put a basement in your bookshop.
BOOKSELLER: You think so?
YOUNG BOY: Yeah. And then you could keep a dragon in it, and he could look after all the books for you when you’re not here.
BOOKSELLER: That’s a pretty cool idea. Dragons breathe fire, though. Do you think he might accidentally burn the books?
YOUNG BOY: He might, but you could get one who’d passed a test in bookshop-guarding. Then you’d be OK.
BOOKSELLER: You know, I think you’re on to something there.
CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy this audiobook.
BOOKSELLER: Great.
CUSTOMER: Only, I don’t really like this narrator.
BOOKSELLER: Oh.
CUSTOMER: Do you have a selection of narrators to choose from? Ideally, I’d like Benedict Cumberbatch.
CUSTOMER: Hi, I’m looking for a book, I was wondering if you could recommend one.
BOOKSELLER: Sure. Is it for you, or for a friend?
CUSTOMER: It’s for me, dear. I was hoping to get a really good erotic novel, as an early birthday present to myself. Make bedtime reading that little bit more interesting, you know what I mean?
CUSTOMER: Personally, I think that if Jesus were alive today, he would go on a talent show and sing amazingly and win everyone over that way.
BOOKSELLER: ... What would he sing?
CUSTOMER: Erm. That’s a tough call. Probably a toss up between ‘Imagine’ and ‘Saturday Night Fever.’ Not because Jesus had a beard like John Lennon and the Bee Gees, but because I reckon he’d like us to feel spiritual but have a really good time, too.
CUSTOMER (holding up an art book): Wow. Picasso must have gone out with some really ugly women.
CUSTOMER: This is the bookshop from the film Notting Hill, isn’t it?
BOOKSELLER: No, I’m afraid it’s isn’t.
CUSTOMER: It is. It looks exactly the same!
BOOKSELLER: Well, not really. The bookshop in Notting Hill is a travel bookshop. Also, it’s in Notting Hill – the place.
CUSTOMER: You have a travel section, though.
BOOKSELLER: ... Yes.
CUSTOMER: Are you not allowed to tell me that this bookshop is the one from the film, is that it?
BOOKSELLER: ... We are not the bookshop from the film.
CUSTOMER: Oh (winks). I see, I get it; you’re not allowed to say. It’s because you know Hugh Grant, right?
BOOKSELLER: ... No. And Hugh Grant doesn’t actually work in that bookshop; that was just for the film.
CUSTOMER: Aha! So you do know Hugh Grant!
BOOKSELLER: No, I–
CUSTOMER: Is he here? Is he in the back room?
BOOKSELLER: What? No!
CUSTOMER: It’s OK, don’t worry; I won’t tell a soul.
CUSTOMER (to her friend): What about this book? (holds up a copy of The Hobbit).
CUSTOMER: No. I don’t want to read that. It’ll spoil the film.
YOUNG BOY: When I grow up, I’m going to be a book ninja.
BOOKSELLER: Cool! What do book ninjas do?
YOUNG BOY: I can’t tell you. It’s top secret.
BOY (picks up a copy of Charlotte’s Web and holds it up to show his sister): What’s this about?
GIRL: It’s about a wimpy pig, and a spider called Charlotte who spins a web of lies and deceit.
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER (to her friend): I only like books that I can really believe happened, you know? Like Twilight.
CUSTOMER: They should make vending machines for books. Then there’d be no more need for bookshops, and you could have a really long holiday. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?
CUSTOMER: Are you prepared?
BOOKSELLER: ... For what?
CUSTOMER: For the zombie apocalypse.
(A woman is looking at a copy of Gone with the Wind)
HER SON: Is that a book about farts?
CUSTOMER: Do you believe in past lives?
BOOKSELLER: Erm, well, I ...
CUSTOMER: I do. I absolutely do. I feel very at one with everything. I’m pretty sure this is my seventh time on earth.
BOOKSELLER: I see.
CUSTOMER (looking pleased with herself): And I’m almost certain that in a past life I was Sherlock Holmes.
BOOKSELLER: ... You know, Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character.
CUSTOMER (outraged): ... Are you trying to tell me that I don’t exist?
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: I’d like a Christmas book, about Christmas, that doesn’t have anything to do with snow, or robins, or snowmen, or Jesus, or holly.
BOOKSELLER: ... right.
CUSTOMER: And no bloody carols, either!
BOY (reading titles of books on the shelf): My Family and Other Animals? Ha. Yes. I think my sister looks like a ferret.
HIS SISTER (shouting from the other side of the shop): I heard that! And you look like a diseased baboon!
CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy a book for my wife.
BOOKSELLER: Sure, what sort of book?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know. Something ... pink? Women like pink stuff, right?
YOUNG GIRL (pointing to a cupboard under one of the bookshelves): Can you get to Narnia through there?
BOOKSELLER: Unfortunately, I don’t think you can.
YOUNG GIRL: Oh. Our wardrobe at home doesn’t work for getting to Narnia, either.
BOOKSELLER: No?
YOUNG GIRL: No. Dad says it’s because Mum bought it at IKEA.
CUSTOMER: Have you read the Bible?
BOOKSELLER: Some parts.
CUSTOMER: I see. I think you should read all of it. I’m going to come to the bookshop once a week and read it aloud to you.
BOOKSELLER: That’s really not necessary.
CUSTOMER: But I want to. I will read it to you in Italian, as that is my native tongue.
BOOKSELLER: ... I don’t understand Italian.
CUSTOMER: This does not matter.
BOOKSELLER: ... I think it probably does.
CUSTOMER: Do you have audiobooks on sign language?
CUSTOMER: Do you know anything about building small houses for chihuahuas?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of The Handmaid’s Tale?
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid we sold our copy of that this morning. I can order it in for you, though.
CUSTOMER: Can’t you just print a copy for me? From the internet?
CUSTOMER: What book do you recommend I read when I’m on the tube, to get girls to want to sleep with me?
YOUNG GIRL: Mummy, where do angels come from?
MOTHER: Erm ...
YOUNG GIRL (interrupting): I think they grow inside of clouds.
MOTHER: Oh, yes? How do you think they get there?
YOUNG GIRL: They come from eggs! That grow in space!
MOTHER: Interesting ...
CUSTOMER: Do you hold cookery classes here?
BOOKSELLER: ... No, we don’t.
CUSTOMER: Oh. I was hoping to try out some of the recipes in your cookery books to see if they’re any good.
BOOKSELLER: You’d have to buy a cookery book and try those recipes out at home.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Well. How very inconvenient.
CUSTOMER: There are several things I look for in a good book.
BOOKSELLER: Oh? What are those?
CUSTOMER: A murder – preferably of a handsome young man – a helicopter ride, a small dog, a parrot, a suicide, cigars, moustaches, love letters and animals that have escaped from the zoo.
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: Why aren’t you writing these things down?
CUSTOMER: Good. Let’s not forget the mysterious crop circles in the fields. Then there’s the heroine – preferably a redhead from a country house in Wales, who collects fossils in her spare time. Her grandmother should be alive, but only just, and on the weekends she should ride wild horses on the beach. The heroine, that is, not the grandmother.
BOOKSELLER: ... Right.
CUSTOMER: Any books spring to mind?
BOOKSELLER: No ... It sounds like you should probably write this book yourself, considering you have such specific tastes.
CUSTOMER: You know, I rather hoped you might say that. (He pulls a notebook out of his pocket.) I’ve been outlining the story. Would you like to read it?
CUSTOMER: I need a really awful book to give to someone I hate. Any recommendations?
(A young girl is looking at some pony books)
BOOKSELLER: Do you like horses?
YOUNG GIRL: Yes. When I grow up I’m going to have a pony.
BOOKSELLER: That sounds like fun.
YOUNG GIRL: Yes. And it will be better than all the other ponies.
BOOKSELLER: How come?
YOUNG GIRL: Because mine will have a purple tail. And roller-skates.
CUSTOMER: I don’t like poetry. It seems so arbitrary. (Pause) Wait, that rhymes! Perhaps I’m an undiscovered poet.
BOOKSELLER: I thought you didn’t like poetry?
CUSTOMER: Well, not other people’s – but I would probably like my own!
CUSTOMER: Do you have this crime book? It’s called The Girl with the Dragon and the Baboon?
CUSTOMER: What methods of payment do you accept?
BOOKSELLER: Cash, credit card, debit card, cheque ...
CUSTOMER: Would you accept an IOU?
CUSTOMER (whispers): Sometimes I think my cat is trying to kill me.
BOOKSELLER: Oh?
CUSTOMER: Only sometimes, though. Not all the time. Sometimes he can be quite nice.
LITTLE GIRL: Hello!
BOOKSELLER: Hi!
LITTLE GIRL: Guess where I’m going.
BOOKSELLER: Where?
LITTLE GIRL: My dad’s taking me to the zoo!
BOOKSELLER: That sounds exciting.
LITTLE GIRL: Yes. It is. I want to read a book to the chimpanzees.
BOOKSELLER: You do?
LITTLE GIRL: Yes. Do you have a book with pictures of monkeys in it?
BOOKSELLER: I’m sure we do; I’ll help you look.
LITTLE GIRL: Thanks. I think they’ll like the pictures.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a white book.
BOOKSELLER: Do you know the title?
CUSTOMER: I’m not after a specific book – just a white one. I like things to look clean.
CUSTOMER: (holding up a paperback) If I buy this book, can I transfer it onto my friend’s Kindle?
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
CUSTOMER: Oh. How do they put physical books on a Kindle, then? Is it like that part in the film of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Mike Teavee wants to become part of television, and he flies over everyone’s heads in tiny little pieces?
CUSTOMER (holding up an old, expensive book): Would you mind if I took the dust jacket from this? My copy doesn’t have a jacket, you see.
BOOKSELLER: You mean you want to buy the dust jacket?
CUSTOMER: No, I don’t want to buy it. I just want to have it. Do you have a problem with that?
CUSTOMER: Tell me, is Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone still in print?
BOOKSELLER: Yes, of course.
CUSTOMER: I wasn’t sure if they stopped printing it, you see – surely everyone has a copy by now?
CUSTOMER: I’ve got a list of books for my son’s GCSE English class. Can you check if you have them?
BOOKSELLER: Sure, what are they?
CUSTOMER (reading from the list): The first one is Jane Eyre Laid Bare.
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I’m pretty sure that he just needs Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë.
CUSTOMER: No. That’s not the title written down here. This one’s written by Charlotte Brontë and someone else. I suppose it must be some sort of literary criticism?
BOOKSELLER: ... Erm, well, Jane Eyre Laid Bare is erotica – a retelling of the novel.
CUSTOMER: Oh. That can’t be right. Wait a minute, and I’ll call him.
(Customer phones her son)
CUSTOMER: Hi David ... yes ... I’m just getting your course books and this woman here is telling me that Jane Eyre Laid Bare is some sort of erotic novel. That’s not right, is it? Do you know what she’s talking about?
(Pause)
CUSTOMER (hissing angrily down the phone): What do you mean you thought you’d just read that one instead?
CUSTOMER: What’s so great about The Great Gatsby, anyway? Was he a superhero or something?
MOTHER: Henry! Stop chewing that book. You don’t know where it’s been.
CHILD: No!
MOTHER (rolling her eyes at the bookseller): Kids, ey? (She wanders off and her son continues to chew the book.)
CUSTOMER (seriously): Your window display’s not very friendly. It’s got stuff on ghosts, and haunted houses and poltergeists and everything. Are you trying to scare your customers away?
BOOKSELLER: ... No, sir. It’s Hallowe’en.
(A man runs through the door, out of breath)
MAN: Hi. My friends and I were playing cricket in the park, and it’s started raining.
(Man looks at bookseller expectantly)
BOOKSELLER: ... ?
MAN (impatiently): Well, I was wondering if we could finish our game in your bookshop?
BOOKSELLER: ... You want to play cricket ... in the bookshop?
MAN: Yeah!
BOOKSELLER (glancing around at the tiny shop, crammed full of books): Erm, there’s really no room ... at all.
MAN: Well, we only need one aisle between the shelves, really. And we could always move the bookcases.
BOOKSELLER: ... I’m going to have to say no. It would be dangerous, and I don’t think the other customers would like it.
MAN: Oh, come on. They could cheerlead or something.
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
MAN: And you could be the umpire!
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
MAN: I promise we wouldn’t break too many things.
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
CHILD (outside bookshop): Mummy, can we go inside the bookshop?
MOTHER: Not now. You’re too young. You can go in when you’re older.
CUSTOMER: You never read about Middle Earth any more, do you? It’s like no one cares about The Shire these days. Stuff must still happen there but it’s never reported in the news.
CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: They’re making new movies, aren’t they?
CUSTOMER: Are they?
CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: Yeah, but I think it’s like a history. It’s not what’s happening there now. That’s what I heard.
CUSTOMER: So what’s happening there now?
CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: I don’t know. Let’s look it up on Wikipedia when we get home.
CUSTOMER: Good idea.
CUSTOMER: Do you have any hollowed out books?
BOOKSELLER: You mean fake books? The kind people use as a safe place?
CUSTOMER: Yeah. But with stuff already in them.
BOOKSELLER: No, we don’t.
CUSTOMER: ’Cause people use them to hide all sorts of stuff, don’t they? Drugs ... guns. Do you have a fake book with a gun in it?
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Do you know where I could get a gun without the fake book?
BOOKSELLER: ... No, I don’t.
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for books for an eight-year-old girl. What would you recommend?
BOOKSELLER: Well, is she a confident reader for her age?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
BOOKSELLER: And what are her interests?
CUSTOMER: Horses, princesses, dancing ...
BOOKSELL
ER: OK – I’ll help you find some.
(Bookseller spends the next ten minutes finding books for the customer, talking about each one in turn.)
CUSTOMER: Great. Thanks. I’ll bear all those in mind.
BOOKSELLER: Would you like us to keep any on reserve for you?
CUSTOMER (gets out pen and paper to write down the titles):
No, I’ll just write them down. I don’t want them myself. I’m writing a book, you see, about an eight year old girl and I wanted to work out what books she should have on her bookcase.
BOOKSELLER: So you don’t want to buy any?
CUSTOMER: Oh, no dear. Don’t be silly. I might have the character purchase some of the books in the story itself. But not in real life.
BOOKSELLER: ... I see.
CUSTOMER: And, to be honest, my character’s rather advanced for her age with regard to technology. So I might have her buy them online instead.
BOOKSELLER: ... Right.
(Bookseller sees a customer putting some garlic on a bookshelf)
BOOKSELLER:… Er, excuse me, can I ask what you’re doing?
CUSTOMER: These books are about vampires. I’m taking precautions.