by Dodd, Lauren
“I guess fine is a relative term,” I confess. “It just feels like everything has been turned upside down. I don’t feel like I know anybody anymore. My father isn’t who I thought he is. My mother isn’t who I thought she was. Natalie isn’t who I thought she was.”
“What about me? Am I who you thought I was?” he asks, his swing drifting toward me.
I want to reach for him so badly. Being with Knox is the only way to get out of my head but then it ends in disaster every single time. “You will always be more than I ever imagined but you’re with Greer now.”
“You know I wasn’t ever really with her, Ripley. We went out a few times and she liked to hang around Mozzarella, mostly just to get on your nerves, but there wasn’t anything there and she knew it,” he confesses.
“You never slept with her?” I ask, feeling a hole inside me start to fill up with hope.
“Nope. I almost did, just to get back at you for that barn incident,” he says, not meeting my eyes.
“That wasn’t me, Knox. Your friend recognized me because he came to our house to tell us Mom died.”
He jerks his eyes back to me, knowing he shouldn’t be elated about what I just told him, but very obviously is. “Seriously? You didn’t sleep with him?”
“It would have been pointless after being with you.” I know I shouldn’t be telling him all this stuff but I’m not strong enough to lie tonight.
Our eyes lock and we move our faces toward each other at a miniscule pace. We will never be able to be without each other, it’s so obvious now. I won’t deny myself of Knox’s love for another second. The anticipation of his perfect lips-the lips I’ve spent hours thinking about-on mine makes the air around us feel alive. He tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear as I lick my lips, ready for him. He reaches for me and I fall into him then his phone rings, destroying the moment.
He takes the phone out of his pocket and acts like he’s going to chuck it across the park.
I grab his arm, “You better answer it,” I encourage him.
He looks at the number, makes a funny face, then answers. “What’s up, Deputy Dog?” he teases and I realize it is his friend, the cop.
His expression goes from joking to panic within the span of a second. He grabs my arm and starts running toward his car. I’m confused but keep up as best I can.
“I’ll be right there,” he says, then pockets his phone. “Get in the car. My dad’s been in an accident.”
I don’t question anything, just hit the button on my key fob to lock my van and climb into his Jeep. We don’t speak the entire way to the hospital. Not by choice, but because he is a nervous wreck and I can’t stop myself from revisiting the night Mom died.
I’m shaking like a leaf by the time we get to the hospital. Knox screams into the parking lot and throws the Jeep into park. He looks at me for the first time, realizing what a basket case this situation has reverted me to.
“Oh, Jesus, Ripley. I didn’t even think. Wheeler said he’s fine, just banged up a little,” he explains.
“He isn’t dead?” I ask, my teeth chattering.
“No, baby. He’s fine. Come on, you can see for yourself,” he urges. He gets out and comes around to my side, helping me out. I lean on him on the way into the hospital, not trusting my legs yet. Once I see Mr. Parsons, I’ll be fine. I hope.
Knox approaches the desk and gives his father’s name. She starts to point toward a large set of metal double doors when the deputy exits through them.
“Wheeler,” Knox yells, bolting toward him, half-dragging me in the process.
“Hey, buddy. Don’t worry, he’s fine. He’s just got a little bump on the head. He’s acting a little strangely though. Did something happen tonight to upset him?”
Knox looks to me for verification and we both nod our heads. “You could say that,” Knox tells him.
“Are you okay?” the deputy asks me, probably noticing that my face is the same color as a doctor’s coat right now. “Wait a minute, now I know where I know you from.” Recognition flashes across his face then guilt as he realizes how he knows me and probably feels guilty bringing it up. Knox gives me a knowing look, relieved I was telling the truth about Tate.
“Sit down here,” he urges, realizing why I’m being such a freak show.
“Go, Knox. I’ll be back in a minute after I get calmed down.” He wants to stay but I shoo him away.
The deputy takes a seat next to me and I feel thankful for the company even if all the other eyes in the ER are on me like I’m an escaped convict.
“Your mom didn’t suffer,” he tells me. “She literally didn’t know what hit her. I was the first one there. Her music was blaring and I swear to God she looked like she still had a smile on her face.”
Tears roll down my face as I picture Mom, excited to be meeting up with the love of her life, and then in a flash, just gone. I wouldn’t have thought knowing this would make losing her any easier but knowing that she was happy and not terrified in that last instant lifts a weight off my shoulders.
“Thank you,” I tell him, desperate to convey what he has just done for me. He hands me a tissue from a nearby box.
“So, you and Knox, huh?” he teases, switching gears to his joking disposition. The switch is a tiny bit jarring for me but I realize that someone in his line of work must have to get awfully good at compartmentalizing their feelings.
I smile and shrug my shoulders, not admitting or denying anything.
“You could do worse, kid. You could do a lot worse,” he says, playfully slapping me on the back and heading out the front doors of the ER to his police cruiser.
I take a few minutes to get my emotions in check. Strangely, I feel so much better than I have in weeks. Part of me is still mad at her for betraying Dad and I, but knowing the way I feel about Knox, I can understand it better than I could have weeks ago. I don’t have to dwell on one mistake that Mom made. It doesn’t define her.
I stand up, steady now, and make my way through the huge doors that Knox disappeared behind. I weave my way through the curtained off areas where several patients are being treated. I spot Knox pulling a curtain back with a cup in his hand.
“Is he okay?” I ask, rushing toward him.
“He’s fine. Are you okay?” he asks, pulling me into his chest.
“I’m good, actually. Really good,” I say, smiling up at him.
“My God, I can’t wait to get you alone,” he says, and all the remaining doubts I had about us being together just evaporate.
“I love you, Knox,” I confess, knowing I should have said it to him weeks ago. His eyes tell me that he already knew but that hearing it finally means so much.
“We’re never going to be apart again. Well, at least we aren’t after I get back filling up this water jug,” he teases, pulling away from me.
When I pull back the curtain, I’m shocked to see an extremely pale, lost looking version of Mr. Parsons staring back at me. This shell of a man isn’t who I am accustomed to seeing at the restaurant. He is holding his phone and the sight of me seems to startle him.
My stomach sinks with concern for him even though I can’t see any outward injuries from his accident. He just keeps looking down at his phone then looking at me. I don’t know what propels me forward to gently take the phone out of his hand. He gives it up without a fight. His recent call list shows the latest call coming in about an hour ago from a contact named, My One and Only.
I smile, hoping this means that he and Mrs. Parsons are finally working things out. I go to hand it back to him, realizing how strange it was of me to take it away in the first place, when I notice the number attached to My One and Only. The same number as Mom’s burner phone.
“It was you?” I ask disbelievingly, although in my heart I already know the answer. My hand starts to shake and I drop the phone in his lap like it burnt me.
“I saw her number come up and I wrecked,” he says, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“It was
me,” I tell him, even though he obviously already knows that it wasn’t a ghost calling him. I try to imagine the shock he must have gotten seeing her number come up on his phone, no wonder he crashed his car, but I still can’t muster even the smallest amount of compassion. Especially knowing that this has changed things for Knox and I, yet again.
How can I possibly allow myself to be with Knox when my mother destroyed his parent’s marriage? And Natalie. Oh my God, Natalie. Like she wasn’t going to hate me enough before when it was just Knox that I was lying about. No, we can’t be together. Ever. It’s over. Mom and I have done enough damage to this family.
“It wasn’t just a fling, Ripley. We’ve been in love for years,” he says, tripping on the words.
“That doesn’t make it better. You two ruined everything. If you ever loved my mom as much as you profess then you won’t breathe a word of this to anyone. Ever.” I give him a look that seems to break his heart even more, if that’s possible, but he nods tentatively.
I rush out of the hospital before Knox gets back because I don’t have the strength to say goodbye face-to-face.
Chapter Fourteen
I pull around into our driveway, praying that Dad is in bed. I’m just not up for a conversation about him and Karen and I don’t trust myself not to slip about Mom. Part of me wonders why I care so much about keeping her memory as the perfect wife and mother intact, but I can’t help it, I just do. Every light in the damn house is on so it doesn’t look likely that I’ll avoid any conflict tonight.
Slowly, I make my way into the house. I walk into the living room to find Dad waiting in his recliner. He looks like he has aged twenty years since I left earlier.
“Your shift ended hours ago and your phone was off. I was worried about you,” he says, visibly sighing with relief.
“I figured you’d be busy with Karen all night,” I smart off, even though I actually want to tell him I’m sorry for worrying him.
“I understand how you got the wrong idea about Karen but she was just checking out the house. I’m thinking of selling it. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
There is absolutely no hesitation in his voice and I know he is telling the complete truth. It makes total sense. I feel like an idiot.
“I’m so sorry, Dad. I just thought...,” I trail off.
“I have no plans to replace your mother,” he clarifies and now I almost wish that he would have been sleeping with Karen. He is staying devoted to a dead woman who couldn’t bother to stay faithful to him when she was alive.
“That’s none of my business, Dad. I’ve just had a lot of stuff going on and it just surprised me,” I tell him, sitting down on the couch.
“It is your business, Ripley.”
“I thought about seeing if I could start college with the summer semester instead of waiting until fall,” I say, avoiding eye contact with him.
I can’t stay here and keep working at Mozzarella and expect to stay away from Knox. It is just too tempting. I can’t stay in this holding pattern of grieving and trying to make up for Mom’s mistakes forever. I need to get on with my own life.
“When would you leave?” he asks, visibly choking up.
“In a week or so,” I admit. Silence falls over the room like a heavy blanket. Even the clock seems to tick a little quieter.
“Is that what you think is best for you?”
“Yes,” I answer simply.
He nods in agreement, words not coming.
“Night, Dad,” I say, disappearing upstairs to my bedroom.
******
Poor Knox has been blowing up my phone since I left the hospital. It was a cowardly move on my part to just disappear. I have to make him understand that it just isn’t going to be possible for us to be together, no matter how much we love each other. But I owe it to him to tell him that face-to-face.
I wait until I’m sure Dad is crashed before sneaking quietly out of the house. I drive the van across town, killing my headlights as I drive behind the main house to Knox’s place. The only light is the faint glow of the television.
I creep up the stairs and knock softly on the door. “Where have you been?” he shouts, flinging the door open.
I pull him into the loft and shut the door. His eyes are pleading with me to explain myself but I can’t do it. Not yet. I know it isn’t fair to be with him one last time and then tell him I’m leaving, but I just can’t help myself. I need him. I’ll always need him but this last time will have to last me a lifetime.
I lean against the back of his couch and pull him toward me. The concern in his eyes starts to change to desire but he still resists.
“Why did you leave me?” he asks, sounding like a little boy who got separated from his parents at the supermarket.
“Make love to me, Knox,” I say, putting his hands on me.
Instead of melting like I anticipated, his eyes become skeptical. “Tell me,” he insists.
I know what he wants to hear and I don’t hesitate because I’ll admit it until the day I die, but he doesn’t realize yet that it isn’t going to change anything. “I love you, Knox,” I whisper.
He devours my lips, his hands grasping my neck and holding me tight. I unbutton his shirt and rub my hands over his tight chest, lingering to brush lightly against his nipples. He gasps, coming up for air, ripping my shirt over my head. I tear his pants open and push them down as far as I can get.
He kicks out of his pants, wearing nothing but his fitted boxers now. I pull them off, needing to see all of him. His hardness stands at attention and I want him inside me, now.
I pull off my jeans and rub myself against him, nothing but my silk panties separating us.
“I want you so bad, Ripley,” he moans, hooking his thumbs into the sides of my panties and urging them down. He picks me up and carries me over to the bed, gently lowering me down. He climbs over me, his face mad with desire. This is the last time he will ever look at me like this.
I spread my legs for him, watching him grab a condom and roll it over the head of his cock. We don’t need another scare like before. Although, disappearing with a piece of Knox growing inside of me to love and have forever tempts me for a millisecond. But babies don’t fix things, they complicate them, and I can barely take care of myself.
I arch my back and run my hands down my body. He straddles me and reaches down with one hand to guide himself inside me. He slides the tip in and my eyes roll back with pleasure.
“Tell me that we’ll always be together,” he says, startling me.
Surprised, my breath catches. I try to wiggle under him and force him inside me but it doesn’t work.
“Say it,” he demands, holding my pleasure hostage until I lie.
“We’ll always be together,” I lie, clenching my eyes shut. He slides himself inside me and starts to rock back and forth. I never knew I could feel so much pleasure intertwined with pain. I bury my face into his chest so that he doesn’t see me crying.
I grind against him, needing that release even though I wish I could draw it out forever.
“Look at me,” he urges, getting worried. I swipe at my face, trying to hide my tears. I grab his ass burying him farther inside me. My body quivers with the beginnings of an orgasm that makes its way to my center. I come so hard that I nearly scream.
“Come for me, Knox,” I say, still not meeting his eyes. I know he can’t hold back much longer especially with how wet I just got when I came.
“Baby, please. Look at me,” he begs, his strokes becoming urgent.
I miscalculate and think I can hide what I’m feeling so I meet his eyes.
“No,” he yells at the same time that his body convulses with pleasure. “Ripley, no.”
But it’s too late. I’ve already committed to this. I slide out from under him and off the bed. He grabs my arm and pulls me back.
“Why?” he asks, tenderly caressing my face. I force my heart to turn to stone, knowing that he would be so conflicted if he found
out the truth about our parents. I’m doing him a favor by not allowing him to fall even more in love with me just to find out the horrible truth. I gather every bit of strength I have to convince him to let me go.
“I didn’t lie when I said I loved you,” I tell him, running my hands through his hair. He swallows in anticipation of my next words. “I’m starting at MU with the summer session instead of fall. I need a fresh start away from this town.”
“But I could come with you. I can get a job down there. I’ll work at McDonald’s for all I care as long as I can be with you,” he pleads.
“I can’t hurt Natalie, Knox. I just can’t.” I sit up on the bed. His hands slowly run down my body in defeat. He knows he can’t say anything to convince me.
“So, that’s it then, you just get to decide the rest of my life for me,” he says, sitting up and rolling the used condom into a tissue. I stare at his incredible body, knowing it’s the last time I’ll ever see him naked. Bile rises in my throat knowing I’m sacrificing the one person who could make me happy forever.
“I’m all screwed up since Mom died,” I say, feeling like a shit for using her as an excuse but considering it’s her fault that I’m in this situation I don’t feel that shitty.
Knox punches his nightstand causing the lamp to wobble back and forth but luckily it remains upright. “I guess I’ll just re-enlist then. There sure isn’t shit to stay here for.”
My stomach clenches at the thought of Knox being sent to some foreign war torn country to fight, his life in jeopardy every hour of every day. I thought he would just stay at the pizza place and maybe I could even sneak in to see him once in a while when I come home for breaks. How incredibly selfish and naïve I was to think that he would just stay in some holding pattern, never changing, just staying the same so that I could peek in on him whenever I felt like it. And if I’m being honest, get a piece whenever I feel like it but still keep everything a huge secret. Boy, I am my mother’s daughter.