by Dodd, Lauren
I am happy here, though. I barely even think about Natalie or Knox. Okay, that’s a total lie. More like I never stop thinking about them. I deleted my Facebook app so that I wouldn’t be tempted to check for updates every five seconds. My phone has been so quiet that sometimes I check to make sure it’s still on. The only person who texts me is Dad to check in about three times a day, down from ten, so we’re making progress.
My classes are easy. Nobody expects much out of you in the summer so it’s a good way to prepare for going full-time next semester. I have a lot of free time so I try and keep myself busy so I don’t drive myself crazy with all the questions I have that can never be answered.
The campus is surrounded by woods and some days I walk the trails around the campus for hours. The walks have brought me some peace and I don’t feel mad at Mom like I used to. I realize now how much she must have loved Chad to risk everything the way she did. Who am I to judge her? I would walk through fire if there was any way I could be with Knox again without hurting anyone. So I get it, kind of.
I hear the familiar bubbling sound of the Skype app coming from my laptop. I laugh to myself as I sit down in front of the screen and accept Dad’s call. His smile fills my screen and my stomach drops realizing how much I miss him.
“Hey, sweetie,” he says.
“Hi, Daddy,” I say, forcing back tears. I can’t start bawling, especially when he looks so incredibly happy.
“You’ve done a lot with the place,” he teases. That’s his inside joke every time he sees the bare walls of my institutionalized dorm room. I might as well live in a prison cell for all the time I’ve taken to decorate it. I guess a part of me still doesn’t quite believe I’m staying here for good.
“Why are you so happy?” I ask, curious. He’s positively giddy, like he won the lottery or something.
“There’s a new lady in my life,” he blurts out, excitement spilling over his words. “I really want you to meet her. We were thinking we could come visit next weekend.”
His words sucker punch me in the stomach and I can barely catch my breath. I knew this day would come and I really want him to be happy but I’m not sure I can handle this yet.
“Her name is Daisy and she has really soft hair,” he says, as he lifts the most adorable puppy I’ve ever seen in front of the computer screen.
Relief rushes through me as I ooh and ahh over my new sister. “Dad, she’s so cute. You’ve always wanted a dog,” I say, remembering that Mom was allergic so he could never have one.
“Don’t get me wrong, Rip. You’re a great kid but this one licks my toes, so I’m just saying, you’ve got some competition.” Daisy gives him a big lick across his cheek and my heart warms seeing how smitten they are with each other.
“I would love to meet her,” I gush, also knowing that I’m about at my threshold of time I can go without seeing Dad. I really don’t trust myself to go back to Jasper so him coming here would be amazing.
“I was thinking I could just rent us a hotel room for the weekend and we could just hang out. If that’s okay?” he asks, tentatively.
“That would be so great, Dad. I can’t wait.”
Surprise registers on his face and it breaks my heart that he was bracing himself for me to say no. We talk for a few more minutes until Daisy pees on him then we say goodbye until next weekend.
I spend the next six days walking all the trails most of the day with the exception of class, trying out a few exercise classes at the campus rec center, and studying. My instructors gave out the syllabus for the entire summer so I even work ahead a bit, just in case saying goodbye to Dad next weekend throws me off track a bit.
I’m happy here but knowing I’m going to see Dad makes me think of everything I left behind. If I’m being honest, Knox is on my mind every second of the day, even in my dreams. Losing Natalie still feels like I’m missing an appendage. I knew she wouldn’t call with the way we left things, but I really thought Knox would. But I guess when I left the way I did I made it pretty clear that things between us were over. I still can’t help but wonder how both of them are doing.
Natalie is probably busy shopping for her dorm room décor. Her room sure won’t be the depressing gray cement box that I’ve left mine as. Knowing her, everything will be hot pink and zebra striped with so many throw pillows that they cover half her twin-size bed. She is going to be amazing at college and will probably rush the most popular sorority. She definitely won’t spend her days walking trails, alone. I keep telling myself that I’ll make more friends in the fall but I really don’t know if it’s true or not.
The scary part is that I’m actually content being alone. If I can’t have Knox and Natalie, I don’t really feel like anyone else will measure up. And maybe just the stress of Mom dying and being watched by so many concerned people for so long made me need some space. Maybe I’ll get lonely eventually.
Friday finally gets here and I’m so excited to see Dad. I cleaned my room and even half-ass attempted to decorate a little bit so it doesn’t look so depressing. I want to show him how good I’m doing even if I have to fake it a little bit.
I head down to the parking lot of the dorm to wait on him, nodding and saying hi to a few familiar faces that I still haven’t learned names to, when I see Knox. He is heading toward the huge glass doors to the entrance of the dorm. My heart is thumping so hard in my chest that I feel a little faint.
“Knox,” I yell after him because he is several feet away from me. What in the world is he doing here? Has he come to tell me that he won’t let anything come between us no matter how horrible it is? Maybe his dad told him the horrible secret about his affair and Knox doesn’t care. I start to jog after him, not willing to lose him again.
“Knox,” I shout, even louder this time. He stops and turns toward me, I’m practically right behind him now.
“I’m sorry. Do I know you?” he asks, but the face asking isn’t the face I love so desperately. I jerk back, assaulted by my stupid mistake. He actually doesn’t look like Knox at all, my mind was playing tricks on me.
“I thought you were someone else. I’m so sorry,” I tell him then bolt out the front doors. I don’t stop running until I get to a deserted tree where I collapse and sob my eyes out.
I was so stupid to think that coming here was going to solve everything. Who am I kidding? I’m more miserable than I ever was in Jasper. How in the world am I ever going to navigate the rest of my life without Mom, Knox, and Natalie?
My phone chirps and it’s Dad telling me he’s here. Shit. I try to pull myself together because I don’t need him seeing me like this. I wipe my tears on the back of my hands and start back toward the parking lot. When I get there I see him leaning down outside the car pouring bottled water into a water bowl for Daisy. She steps in it instead of drinking it and I laugh. Just seeing her makes me feel better.
“Hey, stranger,” I say, sneaking up on him. He turns around and grabs me around the waist and spins me around.
“My God, I’ve missed you,” he says, setting me down after noticing a few strange looks from kids walking by.
“It is so good to see you,” I say, bending down to meet my new sister. She jumps on me covering me with stinky puppy kisses. “Hello, Daisy. I’m your big sister.”
“I should probably find somewhere for her to do her business,” Dad says, looking around.
“Grab her leash and we’ll go for a walk. There are some great trails around here,” I say, leading him toward my favorite path.
He hooks Daisy onto her leash but she doesn’t quite get the hang of walking on it yet so she keeps going in and out of our legs for a while until she gets curious about sniffing new smells along the way. After a few minutes, she is walking ahead of us reveling in her new position as leader of the pack.
“You’ve lost weight,” Dad remarks, looking concerned.
“I walk a lot,” I admit. “It helps me clear my head.”
“I know you probably don’t want to hear
this but I have missed you so much.”
“I know, Dad. I’ve missed you, too.”
We walk through the woods, the afternoon sun shaded by the giant green canopy of leaves above our heads. We don’t talk for several minutes just enjoying watching Daisy stop and pee every couple of seconds, leaving her mark so the other animals know she’s been here. Even though I know Dad is still struggling, especially with me leaving, this little creature has really helped him start to heal.
“She’s amazing,” I tell him. He smiles proudly, the same way he would every time I brought him a good report card.
“She’s very good company. I don’t have a lot of time to sit around feeling sorry for myself anymore.”
Daisy starts to slow down and eventually starts jumping at Dad wanting to be held. We find a bench and sit down. Dad cradles Daisy in his arms like a human baby and she promptly falls asleep with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.
“Ruff life,” I tease, feeling a little jealous of her for the first time.
“How are you really, Ripley?” Dad asks, startling me by looking concerned.
Something inside me unknots as I decide to be brutally honest. Maybe it’s a mistake but I can’t put on this Susie Sunshine act any longer.
“I like it here. I really do.”
“But?” he adds.
I stretch my legs out in front of me as I decide how much I can get away with telling him to relieve myself without jeopardizing Mom’s secret. “But…I miss Natalie. I’m sure it didn’t escape you that we didn’t part on good terms. She’s been my friend for over seven years and I’m just trying to figure out what life is like without her. I mean, we would have been separated once we left for college anyway, but it wouldn’t have been this deafening silence. We still would have been texting each other a million times a day.”
Dad nods, appreciating my honesty. I’m sure he’s been wondering for weeks what happened between us but respected me enough to allow some boundaries. “If it helps, she misses you, too. I saw her last night at Mozzarella and she hugged me so hard I think she might have bruised my ribs.”
I start laughing hysterically picturing Natalie grabbing poor Dad in one of her infamous bear hugs that I nicknamed the bone crusher.
“Is it something you can work out?” he asks.
I shake my head no vigorously, wishing we could, but knowing there is no way.
“Does it have to do with you and Knox being madly in love with each other?”
I nearly choke on my spit as his question registers in my brain. “How did…”
He throws his head back and laughs while gently rubbing Daisy’s belly. “Ripley, come on. That kid’s had the hots for you for years. I never thought it was mutual until prom though and I could tell how miserable you were to be with Tate after you had crushed on him for so long. Then I saw the way you looked at Knox one night at Mozzarella. That’s when I knew you were in love with Knox.”
“Wow,” I respond, unable to think of a witty comment.
“I hate to tell you this, but he re-enlisted. He’s somewhere in Texas,” he says tenderly.
His words hit me like tsunami. I guess I never thought he would actually do it. This whole time I thought that I could just cruise back into Jasper and he would be waiting for me at Mozzarella. But now I know that it really is over. The only thing left to do is pray every day that he stays safe.
Dad touches my arm gently, “You okay?”
I shake my head yes a little too vigorously, making myself a touch lightheaded. I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he’s gone and that I’ll probably never see him again.
“I’m not going to tell you that there are other fish in the sea or any of that stupid shit because I know from experience that some people never get over their first love. Ever.”
“Way to sugarcoat it, Dad,” I say, laughing.
He doesn’t laugh back and I feel the air change. He glances at me like he’s mentally weighing the consequences of something then I see a flash in his eyes and I realize that he has just made some significant decision.
“Your mother never stopped loving her first love.”
“Duh, it was you,” I remark, feeling a twinge of guilt as Mr. Parson’s face flashes in my mind.
“It wasn’t me, Ripley. I wasn’t her first love. Oh my God, she would kill me for telling you this but something tells me you might already know some of it.” He buries his head in his puppy-free hand as I try to steel myself for what he is about to reveal.
“I thought you two met in high school and started dating then got married. She never told me about anyone else.”
He takes a deep breath and plows ahead. “She dated Chad Parsons at the beginning of our senior year. They were madly in love. They had plans to get married and the whole shebang. Then one night, your mother got the stomach flu and Chad and I decided to go to a party. Long story short: Chad got drunk, had a one night stand, and the girl ended up getting pregnant.”
“Bea?” I ask, shocked.
“Yep. Nine months later, little Knox was here. By then, Chad had done the admirable thing, which back then was to get married. Your mother never got over him, and he never got over her. Bea and I always knew that someday they just wouldn’t be strong enough to stay away from each other. I’ve got to give your mom credit she held out as long as she could, but the night of her accident she was on her way to meet him.”
Tears roll down my cheeks as I try to process all of this. I thought I knew everything. I thought Mom just got bored with Dad and made the deliberate choice to wreck our lives. I assumed the affair had been going on for years. I was so ashamed of her and disappointed that she didn’t live up to my expectations. When I realize that she felt the same way about Chad that I feel about Knox I realize how much restraint she showed in waiting nearly twenty-three years to act on it.
“I just thought…,” I sob, falling into Dad. “I thought she chose him over us. I’ve hated her for the last several months. I was glad she died.” I admit, feeling a weight being lifted off my chest.
“I know, sweetie. I know. That’s why I knew I had to tell you because I knew you didn’t have the whole story. She loved us, Ripley. She really did. She tried to fight it, but sometimes love wins even if it means destroying people in the process. She was always honest with me. I knew she was going that night and we were planning to separate but we wanted to wait until after you graduated.”
“Aren’t you mad?” I wonder. I realize how forgiving Dad has been. Just the fact that he can walk into Mozzarella and not pummel Chad seems like a miracle.
“I knew the day I married her that she would never love me the way she loved him but it didn’t matter because that was how I loved her. We had a really happy life together. It’s not like she was sitting around every minute of every day pining for him. Something just flared back up in the last few months and neither of them could fight it. It doesn’t mean she loved us any less.”
“Listen, Rip. It’s easy to sit here and say I forgive her now, but this shit probably would have gone down a lot different if she wasn’t gone. I just made the decision to cherish the memory of our marriage the way it was, not what it might have been had she lived.”
“She was so lucky you chose her,” I tell him, my heart bursting with love and admiration at the strength he’s shown.
“In spite of everything, she was pretty damn great. Remember how psychotically competitive she was at board games?”
“She was the worst. She couldn’t even let me win at Candy Land when I was four,” I say, giggling. “She always made the holidays so special. I was thirteen and she was still putting down snow in the living room trying to convince me that Santa was real.”
“She used to trim her toenails in the living room though. That grossed me out so bad,” he says, grimacing.
I start to laugh hysterically. I feel better than I have in months with all these secrets out in the open. It isn’t like we can tell the world because Natalie and Knox w
ould still be crushed but at least we can talk to each other about it.
“Guess what I found the other day?” Dad says, his eyebrows bouncing up and down.
“An ear hair longer than your finger?”
“I find that every day. You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t tell you. Maybe I should just save it for myself,” he teases.
“You know I’m just playing. You don’t look a day over fifty,” I tease, knowing he is only forty-two.
“Uh-huh,” he says, giving me a fake stink eye. “Well this old man will just have to polish off an entire pan of lasagna by himself then.”
I stop joking, wondering if he could possibly be saying what I think he’s saying. “She left us a pan of her lasagna?”
“I found it in the deep freeze the other day. She must have made it just before her accident. I thought maybe we could have it for Thanksgiving. I know it isn’t traditional but I’m not sure I could master a turkey anyway. We won’t have the special bread she used to make but at least it’s something, right?” he asks, hopeful.
“She taught me how to make the bread,” I shriek, clapping my hands frantically.
“We’re going to be okay, Ripley,” Dad says, putting his arm around my shoulders. “We’ll never be the same but we’re going to make it.”
I lean my head against his shoulder, basking in how safe I feel. I try to soak up as much as I can, knowing that Dad will be gone again in a few days and I’ll be on my own in a place that is still unfamiliar. Things are going to be different though. I don’t have to carry the weight of the secret alone anymore and I’m so grateful for that.
We spend the rest of the weekend at the hotel entertaining Daisy. Mom was always my go-to if I had a problem or just wanted to talk. I loved Dad but our conversations were mostly about superficial stuff. This weekend changed all of that. We talked about everything and I love how much closer I feel to him.