by Hadley Quinn
Kael, she smiled. What a cutie. He’d been happy to see her and that pleased her. She spent time with him while Bobby finally showered and changed his clothes. The guys had all offered to watch his kid, but he’d been too caught up in spending time with him. Ava could understand that. And even when Bobby did take the time to fix himself up a bit, he was only gone for ten minutes—long enough to shower, shave, and throw some clean clothes on.
She was happy that the two were going to be staying at the lake house for a couple of days. Bobby was kind of a loner in his family like Gabe, but even though Bobby still had his parents and a few siblings, he wasn’t ready to go home. His life had been one of secrets and time away from home. His family didn’t know he had Kael let alone that he had been overseas undercover. He’d made it clear to Ava that he didn’t want anything to do with the past, his small hometown, or his family.
He claimed what he kept from his family was for their own good. Most people wouldn’t understand.
Ava had been thinking about Bobby and Kael while she drifted to sleep around noon. She had no idea that Gabe was asleep again until a sound and a movement startled her, and she ended up hitting the coffee table on her way to the floor. Gabe had yanked her across him in some kind of defensive move, and she screamed his name to jolt him out of the nightmare. He’d landed on his knees over her out of pure instinct to incapacitate her, but she slapped him in the face for added measure.
His hand had been about to grab her throat but his awareness kicked into gear after she hit him, causing him to pull back onto his haunches.
“Jesus Christ!” he yelled.
Not again, not again, not again, Ava was chanting in her head. He was freaked out and furious—not a good combination.
“My next move was to your nuts,” she tried to say lightly as she attempted to subtly catch her breath. “You’re lucky.”
He only stared at her, lying on the floor underneath him.
She sat up and softly touched his cheek that was reddening. “Are you okay?” From her knees she kissed his face, hoping to soften him before he got upset.
Too late.
“What the fuck happened? Am I okay? Jesus, did I just throw you onto the floor?”
He stood up and took a deep breath. She stood with him, looking him over, sliding her hands on his chest. He was like an angry abused animal learning to trust again. She wanted him to know it was okay; she wasn’t afraid of him.
“Yeah, you kind of dumped me onto the floor. But I’m okay,” she shrugged. She glanced at the clock. They’d been asleep for thirty minutes, apparently. “Are you hungry again? I can make you a sandwich until the soup is done—”
She’d turned to head for the kitchen but he grabbed her wrist to stop her. “You can pretend all you want that that didn’t freak you the fuck out,” he said in a low voice. “But I can see it in your eyes, Ava. Don’t lie to me.”
“What freaks me the fuck out is you acting like this,” she told him just as sternly. “I’m not afraid of you, Gabe. And I don’t like that you have nightmares that do this to you, but it isn’t that that scares me,” she said, pointing to the floor. “It scares me when you act like I’m supposed to hate you for something you can’t help. It scares me when I have to worry that you’re going to leave me because you think it will be ‘easier’ that way. I don’t want you to be scared to be around me! And I certainly believe that this is only going to get better—”
“Better?” he scoffed bitterly. “Better when? After I break your arm or knock you out? After I hold a knife to your throat or try to choke the life out of you?!” He’d motioned to the floor when he said it, letting her know that he’d been that close to doing it. “Ava, I don’t know how to make you understand how dangerous this is. How dangerous I am.” He stopped like he wasn’t going to continue, but he did. “I kill people for a living,” he added quietly. “I kill people with guns, with knives, with my bare hands…whatever it takes.”
She tried not to swallow. Her heart was pounding in her chest and seeing him so defeated like that was hard. She didn’t know what to say, but her first thought was that he didn’t enjoy killing things. He did it because he had to. He’d even felt bad that he’d killed a dog that was attacking him. Killing was something he’d been trained to do, but sometimes it didn’t make it any easier to accept.
“Gabe, you do things to keep people safe—to protect us. I’m not going to lecture you about war because you already know. But when it comes to me… Let me ask you one question. Would you rather be with me, or not be with me?”
He scoffed. “That’s a stupid question.”
“So answer my stupid question.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “I want to be with you. But—”
“No. No ‘buts.’ That’s all I need to know. Now, I need run over to the other house for a minute to grab some things from the fridge. I also think I know where some smaller clothes are for Kael. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
She hugged and kissed him, but he didn’t return the affection. He was in his stiff soldier mode, still trying to assess things objectively. But she was surprised when he said, “Take longer than that. I need to be alone for a bit.”
She stepped back to look at him, just to make sure he wasn’t mad at her. He didn’t appear to be, but it made her sad that he had to fight with himself so much.
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, and then left for the entertainment system.
With a sigh, Ava turned for the front door, anticipating the loud metal music that was going to follow. Sure enough she heard Pantera screaming from the house as she walked across the drive. She sighed, feeling torn, and then was surprised to see Ronan still at Gabe’s truck.
“I thought you left a while ago,” she said, making her way over.
He was closing the toolbox in the back and hopped down. “Just tying up some things with Bobby,” he answered. He frowned and looked toward the cabin. “I heard yelling a bit ago. I went over to make sure everything was okay, but it sounded like you guys were talking it out and stuff. I just wanted to make sure, uh… I don’t know.”
“Gabe had a nightmare,” she informed him.
Ronan was immediately concerned and looked her over quickly. “Nothing happened, right? Did he just yell out or something?”
She sighed. “I was laying with him on the couch and he basically put me in this headlock thing and threw me onto the floor.”
He waited for more, but she just shrugged. “And? He woke up, right?
“I slapped his face and yelled at him, just to make sure. Yeah, he woke up. But he was pissed.”
“I’ll bet,” Ronan agreed. He shook his head and took a deep breath. Nodding to the cabin he said, “He tell you he needed to be alone?”
“Yes,” she glared. “He turns that shit on and either works out or paces and stews.”
“You don’t approve?”
She met his inquiring eyes and put her hands on her hips. “Not really. He’s already mad, so he does something that only fuels the fire?”
“Working out relieves some of the stress. He’ll go running sometimes too, but I’m sure that’s not appealing since he handled a marathon just last night.”
“I approve of physical exertion. I think that’s good. But the music…”
Ronan smiled. “You’re already disputing your differences?”
Ava tried not to get upset. “I like that we’re different. But this has to do with his state of mind, not his taste in music. I feel like he was making progress until all of this crap happened the last couple of days.”
“You wish we hadn’t pulled him back in, huh,” he stated, crossing his arms over his chest. Now Ava could tell that he was insulted.
“Actually I can’t answer that,” she spoke honestly. “It was for Bobby and I know if Gabe had a choice to do it all over again, he would. I guess I’m just venting my frustrations, Ronan. Maybe you can be a little compassionate and understand that this is all new to me.”
>
He sighed and relaxed his arms at his sides. “There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for couples,” he told her. “And when dealing with this kind of thing, I guess love and respect for each other is universally your best chance. You gotta give and take, but when it comes to doing what’s best for him, try to listen first. Listen, and then go with your gut. Gabe obviously loves you, but trying to find that balance between loving you and protecting you is going to be his biggest challenge.”
“And I understand that. But when something happens, he shuts down.”
“It’s his time to evaluate objectively. When he shuts down, it’s for all kinds of reasons. He’s making a decision, he’s kicking his own ass, he’s thinking of ways to fix something… It’s a process. Try giving him the space.”
“Okay, point taken. Maybe I selfishly want him to jump right back into my arms and forget it all, so I’ll work on that.”
“No, just balance it. Still be you—say what you feel and show him—but then listen to what’s going on. Make him talk to you. And if he says shit that you don’t agree with, simply protest your point, and move on. Give him the space or whatever he needs.” There was a lull between them and he added, “At least that’s what I would do.”
“It sounds reasonable. Actually it sounds like what I’ve been doing,” she shrugged with a smile. “Doesn’t mean it’s easy though. Especially when he gets upset.”
“He gets mad because he’s worried. He doesn’t like when things are out of his control.”
“I know,” she nodded. She blew out a breath of air and said, “Well? I should let you head out. Have a safe drive.” She gave him a hug for good measure.
“Thanks for being so good for Gabe,” Ronan told her. They separated and he added, “And that’s the bottom line. You are good for him. I believe that with all my heart. And that’s what he needs.”
“Thanks, Ronan,” she smiled.
“Give me a call if there’s anything you need. Get my number from Bobby and put it in your phone, okay kid?”
“Okay,” she nodded.
She stepped back and watched him climb into Gabe’s truck. When the engine was rumbling, he swung it around and headed down the driveway.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
“Maybe you should keep teaching him English,” Bobby said, watching Kael try to repeat what Ava would say.
She looked up from the floor where they’d been playing with some blocks. Bobby had found the scraps of wood in the garage and sanded them up for him. Ava thought it would be fun to eventually paint them with different designs.
“I would love to,” she replied. “Especially if you two can stay here for a while.”
She looked at him with an expectant smile. She’d made the offer earlier that morning—to stay at the lake house or even take up her spare bedroom in her fixer upper.
“I really wouldn’t want to impose,” Bobby said, shaking his head.
“You wouldn’t be, and I already told you that. And if you wanted to help me out with my remodeling like you suggested, I would be all for that.”
“I’m sure Gabe has that on his own list of priorities,” he smiled knowingly.
“Yes, he wants to help,” she nodded. “So what do you do besides military stuff?” she asked. “What are your hobbies or interests or other talents?”
He barely shrugged. “Nothing, really. I’m a sucker for pain, artillery, impossible missions, and crappy food on the run.”
She chuckled. “I see, just like Gabe. But now you have this little guy… What are your plans?”
He slowly shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t know. I can’t exactly picture myself doing the things I’ve done now that I have someone depending on me.”
“Rambo needs a new career.”
He laughed, which was something she hadn’t seem him do much of. “Yeah, kind of.”
“Well I do know one thing,” she said, sitting up from where she’d been lying on her stomach. “You and Gabe have been through hell and back more times than I have shoes—and that’s a lot.”
Bobby chuckled again.
“But just because life has always been one way for you, it doesn’t mean you can’t start seeing things from a different perspective.”
He studied her curiously. “You say that like you know first hand.”
She shrugged. “I grew up wealthy, let my parents dictate my life, and I didn’t know any better. One day I realized how unhappy I was—or maybe my goals changed or I actually had my own goals for once—but I decided to do something about it.”
“So what happened?”
“I went against what my family wanted for me and followed my heart. I got a job, applied for some scholarships, and went to the college of my choice. I still have horrible relationships with my parents, but at least I’m happy with the way I’m living my life.”
“What about siblings?” he asked. “You have no other family?”
“My dad has two sons from his first marriage, but I don’t see them much since they moved away—especially since my parents divorced. I spent time with them growing up, I guess—when dad had them for weekends and stuff. And they spent vacations here with us. I always felt sorry for them, too. I mean my dad was really hard on them, and since I was so much younger than them, I really didn’t know how I should act around them.”
“I’m sure having a little sister was a good thing for ‘em,” Bobby said.
“Well Chad was always nice to me—I think he felt that brother/sister thing a little more than Garrett did. Garrett always treated me like the spawn of Satan.”
Bobby laughed. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
She gave him a look and nodded her head. “Yeah, it kind of is, and I can understand it. See, my dad had an affair with my mom while he was still married to Chad and Garrett’s mom.”
Bobby slowly nodded his head. “Ahh, I see.”
“Yeah. Of course I was conceived during one of those indiscretions.”
“And Garrett blamed you somehow?”
“Well I think it just reminded him of what happened to his family. Once I was a teenager he seemed to have let it go a little. But he was living on his own by then. Out of the three of us, Garrett has somewhat of a relationship with our dad. He’s even in the same line of work, but although they get along, he keeps turning down my dad’s offers to go work with him.”
“And what about Chad? Does he keep in touch?”
She blew out a frustrated breath of air. “Chad is a mystery,” she chuckled uneasily. “When we do talk it’s really enjoyable. He travels a lot and he’ll describe all these places he’s been. It’s kind of cool to hear about because I’ve barely been anywhere. God, I haven’t even seen him for…almost two years, I think.”
“Where does he work?”
She thought it was odd that he was asking about her brother, but maybe he was just being polite in conversation. “Virginia somewhere, I believe. Or DC. Jeez, I don’t even know,” she scoffed. “And I’m not even sure what his job title is, but it’s something to do with the government—he handles contracts for the Air Force or something. Oh, do you have any idea why he’d have to keep his number private?” she asked.
Bobby raised his eyebrows but shrugged again.
She continued. “I mean he says he can only call me, but why is that? Why can’t he give me a number to call him at? He has a cell phone, but he says it’s for work only. What about a home number or something?”
“Well if he works in contracting for the government, that requires important measures of security. The rules are pretty strict. But if you want to keep in contact with him more, let him know. Maybe he just needs to hear it.”
Ava slightly nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ve always just kind of relied on Chad to lay the groundwork for our relationship, you know? It’s almost like…”
“You let him decide the level of your friendship?”
“Yes, exactly,” she smiled. “Especially because…well, I guess becaus
e…”
“You feel guilty about your fucked up family and don’t want to step on any more toes?”
She smiled with surprise. “Yes, exactly. How is it that you understand this but Chelsea doesn’t?”
“Chelsea?”
“Oh, uh, my friend. Anyways, yeah… I’ve just looked at my brothers like they’re older and should be wiser and therefore should be the ones to reach out to me. You know? I guess that sounds kind of chicken shit, doesn’t it.”
He laughed. “Well, it’s understandable. I feel where you’re coming from. But if it’s something that you want—you know, a relationship with your siblings—maybe you should start being a little more assertive. Level up, sister! Go for what you want instead of hoping it will come to you.”
“Like with Gabe,” she mumbled, mostly to herself.
But Bobby heard her just fine and he smiled. “See, if you can tackle someone like Gabe…you can get anyone to listen to you.”
She knew he was being nice, but her heart ached just thinking about Gabe. She could feel Bobby studying her as she spoke with Kael for a minute while they stacked more blocks. Earlier he’d asked Ava what Gabe was up to, but all she said was that he needed to be alone for a bit. Bobby didn’t push it.
“So what’s going on with Gabe?” he finally asked.
She sighed. “He has really bad nightmares sometimes, and he had one when we were sleeping on the couch.”
Bobby raised his eyebrows. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Ava said. “But Gabe gets really pissed off after it happens and then he doesn’t want to be around me.”
“Because he loves you. He’s afraid of hurting you, and he’s embarrassed he can’t control it. And he shuts you out because he’s gotta analyze everything down to the very last iota to make sure the pros and cons are at an acceptable ratio.”
She stared at him appreciatively. “Wow, that’s putting it in a different light.”