by Tracy Lee
Next, a picture of Libby, Bobby, Charlie, and me at the rehearsal dinner the night before my wedding. The smiles that were on our faces displayed that there was nowhere else in the world that we wanted to be. I looked over at Libby and Bobby as he wrapped his arm around her and she wiped under her eye. Picture after picture flashed in front of me, I could see everything from our reception to the first pictures of us together holding Sawyer after he was born to a photo of us taken just a couple of days ago as we stood in front of our fireplace for our yearly Christmas card pose. Memory after memory flashed through my mind, there wasn't one that I didn't know or had an issue remembering.
My life was perfect. I had everything I could've ever asked for right there, flashing before me. Coming to the end of the presentation, the lights came back on and all you could hear was the sounds of sniffling and blowing noses throughout that room. I looked over at Charlie, his stare never leaving mine. I mouthed I love you to him and he returned the endearment.
I looked at my watch then over at my mom with my son who happened to be sleeping in her arms and knew that tonight's celebration was ready to come to an end. I stood up and cleared my throat, willing for it to produce some type of noise other than a squeak as I began to speak.
"Wow, talk about a tearjerker!" I said out on a breath. The room filled with laughter as I felt my eyes become big. I continued on with what I had to say, "There is no way in hell that I can even come close to a speech like Charlie's or Dad's, and I know for sure that I cannot put together a presentation like that, so I'm not even going to try," I said and the room broke out laughing again. "What I do want to say, though, is thank you all for coming out and sharing our fifth anniversary with us tonight. I know it's not a huge milestone, but for us… it is a milestone and I feel truly blessed to have had five wonderful, amazing years with this man that I get to call my husband. With that said, I do have a gift for you, honey." My eyes fell to Charlie as he sat there, his eyes growing in size as he looked around for maybe someone bringing something to him. So, I continued on, "The only thing is, it's not here." Suddenly, the room became active with people getting up from their seats, putting on coats, and finding car keys, so I began to yell a bit louder. "If everyone would do me the honor of following us out to the front of the restaurant, I'd love for you to share in the presentation of my gift to my husband, Charlie."
The room filled with the screeching of chairs as everyone who remained seated stood and began filing out through the double doors to the front entrance of the restaurant. My dad had stepped out a few moments before I stood up so he could drive the car around and park it in front.
We came to the front doors and I allowed Charlie to push through first. As we stepped out into the cool night air, there was nothing out front. I looked from side to side and didn't see anything. I imagined I'd see headlights headed our way, but the parking lot was empty of moving cars. I was beginning to worry, but then I heard the horn honking as dad drove up from out of nowhere with Charlie's brand new Mercedes, parking it right in front of us with a large red bow on top of it.
"No way! Hope, no way!"
This was all that came out of Charlie's mouth. My dad stepped out of the car and threw the keys to Charlie as I looked at my husband. "Happy Anniversary, babe," I said as I smiled at him from ear to ear.
Watching him walk around the black convertible was like watching a teenager walk around his first car. He took in every inch, burning each detail into his mind. Approaching the driver's side door, Charlie paused. "How?" I knew that question was coming, I just hoped it would come at a later time, say like…oh, thirty years down the road. There was only one answer I had worked out to give him. "It doesn't matter how, it's only matters that you like it and that you are over-the-moon happy!" I laughed, but didn't feel relief until Charlie broke out into a laugh as he told me to get in.
Putting Sawyer into his rear-facing car seat, he stayed asleep. He had a fun time visiting with everyone. As the ladies passed him around, he flirted with them by laughing, making noises, and showing them he could clap his hands. I think that one of them even tried to teach him how to whistle. Never once did I see him sitting in his stroller, they all thought he was the cutest thing they had ever seen. Which, in fact, he was. I placed a quick kiss to his brow as he turned his head to the other side, snuggling closer to his blue baby blanket my mother in law had made him when he was first born.
I waved goodbye to my parents as they headed to their car and yelled, "Thank you," one last time to whoever was in the vicinity of my voice. Sliding into the seat, the leather felt cool against my back. I looked at all of the orange glowing bells and whistles I had just paid a fortune for and nestled in for the first ride. "Ready, babe?" Charlie asked as he pulled the seatbelt over his shoulder. I smiled and nodded, placing my hand over his as he put the car in drive. I laid my head against the headrest and enjoyed the calm movement that almost lulled me to sleep.
"Had a good time tonight, Hope," Charlie announced and I hummed in agreement. I was exhausted and couldn't wait to slip my shoes off and crawl into bed. I had already decided that I was going to sleep in until Sawyer woke up the next morning instead of getting up earlier like I usually do. Playing the night over in my head, one scene made me chuckle. I opened my eyes and turned to look at Charlie. "Did you hear Ron tell that cheesy political joke about the senator walking into the bar? I thought Mike was going to come off his chair!" The thought of our friend Mike's face made me laugh harder. I looked forward and noticed the light that we were about to come up to was turning red. I heard Charlie laugh at my comment in my ear. Our car came to a complete stop and I took a moment to reach down and pull one shoe off, flexing my toes so that the blood could flow back to them. As I went to pull off the other shoe, the car began to move again.
It was as if time had slowed. I heard the brakes squealing and looked straight ahead, but there was nothing in front of us. Suddenly, the illumination of oncoming headlights caught the corner of my eye. The bright light that was nothing more than a beam in my peripheral made me squint. In that split second, I didn't know whether to scream or try to move to the backseat to throw myself over Sawyer. I could hear screaming but didn't realize it was me until the very last second as I felt the forward momentum of the brakes being slammed. Suddenly, everything happened so quickly. I could feel the metal of our car crushing in around me as it meshed with the other car. My head was whipping from side to side, but the sensation dimmed after a few moments. I tried to keep my eyes open as I looked around to take in what was happening with Charlie, but it was all so fast. The actual sound of our cars colliding didn't come until what seemed like a few minutes after the initial impact. My arm was caught between my body and the door. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt. The only way I knew something was wrong was when I went to pull it toward me. Then, there was the deafening explosion. I turned, needing to check on Charlie and Sawyer, but I couldn't see anything.
Suddenly, pain enveloped me everywhere.
Silence filled what had to look like complete and utter chaos.
I went to call out, needing a response, but my mouth wouldn't move.
I started to panic, but the world became black.
Chapter 4
Darkness surrounded me.
Everywhere I looked, there was nothing but black. This had to be a dream. I reached around to pinch myself, but I couldn't reach my other arm. Beginning to panic, I moved my head from side to side, calling for someone, anyone, to help. Was I still in the car? Oh my god, we were trapped. Sawyer and Charlie, they depended on me to get help. I began to scream, hoping someone would hear my cries.
Snippets of what I remembered played in my mind. I felt the car beginning to accelerate, but it was all in slow motion. An explosion. With a blink of my eyes, I heard the squeal of the brakes, the blinding flash of headlights headed for our car. A wreck, we were hit by someone. A car, no…that flash was too big. A truck. Turning my head from side to side, I needed to find a shimmer of light. There was nothing. I sti
ll couldn't hear or see Charlie or Sawyer. I began yelling out to them as panic overcame me, begging for just a whimper or a moan that would give me some sort of indication they were alright.
"Help us…anyone!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "I'm still under here…we need help! I can't see anything! Anyone out there!" I needed to get their attention, anyone's attention. The police or paramedics had to be here, I just needed to yell louder.
"Help…someone…anyone!" I screamed. I could hear footfalls loudly as though someone was running in our direction. Then, just as quickly, they stopped.
I heard a voice. A woman's soft spoken tone.
"Mrs. Saxton?"
I let go of the breath I didn't even realize I had been holding. Finally, someone was here to help. Since I couldn't hear Charlie or Sawyer, I knew that they needed the medical attention first.
"Oh, thank god! Finally! Ma'am, I think I'm trapped. I can't hear my husband or son, they need help! Can you please help them?"
The voice didn't return right away. I turned my head from side to side. "Lady, are you still here?" Why wasn't she answering me? I began yelling louder. "My son and husband need help! Help them now!" I could hear her swift footsteps as I tried to imagine what this whole chaotic situation looked like. I tried to put myself in her position; piles of sharp, twisted metal entwined and fused together from the heat that the loud explosion caused. I continued to reassure myself that she wasn't answering because she was trying to find a way in to get to us. I remained still and quiet for a few minutes, but never heard the sounds of metal being moved, just the lady's feet hitting the ground.
"Hurry, I can't see them…I don't know where they're at!" I repeated, hoping that if anyone else was around they could help with extracting us.
Just as fast as I heard her come in, the sound of her trampling was gone. Everything became silent again. I raised my hands as much as I could to see if maybe I could move something, anything, to see just a shadow of light. There was nothing.
"What the hell!" I shrieked.
Anger filled me. How could she just walk up to a scene that must look like all hell broke loose and then take her time walking around like she was on a leisurely stroll? Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind. Thinking back to a minute ago…to the female stranger, she knew my name. "How did she know my name?" I quietly asked myself, confusion overwhelming me. I blew out a breath of frustration.
Time was of the essence. I didn't have time for nonsense, I needed to concentrate on the most important task at hand: making my body work so that I could find Charlie and Sawyer. I slowly pushed myself up as far as I could go. My body was sore, my movements slow and jerky, as though I hadn't used it in month. I grabbed my arm with my other hand to help in holding it up above my head. I needed to find out if there was anything up there that would hurt me or the boys. It was clear. Slowly and very reluctantly, I straightened my arms out to the sides to see if there was any metal that I would cut myself on when I tried to move. They wouldn't stretch very far, that‘s when I heard footsteps again. I wasn't about to put my faith in another stranger, the last one never came back. I was going to get us out of here myself. "Charlie…Sawyer…I'm coming. Hold tight, mommy's coming," I yelled as loud as I could. They needed to know we were going to get out.
"Mrs. Saxton!"
The deep, demanding male voice roared my way and stopped my actions quickly. He knew my name as well. What was happening? I had no other choice but to halt my attempts to move. "Sir…I need your help!" My voice was frantic, we needed to get out of this mess and soon. Who knows how long I had been in here? I knew I had passed out, but for how long… I had no clue. I needed to get to my son. "My family is stuck somewhere beneath all this rubble. I can't see, it's too dark. Can you help me find them and get them medical attention?"
"Mrs. Saxton…you are in the hospital. My name is Doctor McEwen, you're safe."
What was he talking about? If I were in a hospital it would be light enough for me to see. This man was playing games that I was in no mood to play. "Listen here, whoever you are, I am in no mood for your bullshit–"
His touch cut me off. I felt him place his hand on my shoulder. I turned my head in that direction but couldn't see anything. Pitch black, nothing. "Mrs. Saxton." This time his voice was soft and closer to me. "As I said, my name is Dr. McEwen. You are in the West Highlands Regional Trauma Center here in Charlotte. Now, the information I'm going to tell you may be a shock, so I suggest you brace yourself and know that we are doing everything we can for you."
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with panic. This couldn't be happening. None of it. This was a nightmare that I needed to wake up from…now! I couldn't get up and run away because I couldn't see where I was. My body was sluggish and the thought that maybe I was being drugged crossed my mind. I felt as though I was losing my mind.
"You were involved in a collision. From the ER trauma surgeon's report, a semi ran a red light hitting your side of the vehicle. Sometime during impact you sustained extreme head trauma that caused the retinas to detach from both of your eyes."
What was he saying… was he saying…was I blind?
I lowered my head in confusion. There was no way in hell that I could even wrap my mind around what I was hearing. No, this wasn't happening.
He was lying!
"Shut up!" I screamed. I raised my hands up to my eyes, I needed my eyes to work. I rubbed my fists against them as though that was going to make it all better. I opened my eyes up to a still void world.
"Mrs. Saxton, I would recommend not doing–"
"Turn on the light," I whispered.
There was no response.
"Turn on the lights!" I screamed as I turned my head, looking for the man that was just here. My breathing was fast, but my heart rate was faster. My head felt dizzy but I was not about to admit defeat. As soon as the lights were turned on, they would see that my eyes were fine.
"Mrs. Saxton, the lights are on," I heard the doctor say next to my ear.
Panic overcame me once more.
I began pulling at the material that covered my lower extremities and screamed.
"No…No…No!"
I had to get out of here. The lights just weren't bright enough in here, I needed to be outside. The sun would be bright enough to prove them wrong. I needed to leave. I felt up my arm, tubing was taped to the back of my hand. I began to pull at the tape.
"Uh uh…not happening, Mrs. Saxton," the doctor said as I felt his cold hand grasp my hand. I pulled away violently.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" I frantically cried.
"Nurse, get me ten cc's of Diazepam stat!"
I heard the trampling again but didn't bother with ending my rant. Why wouldn't he just allow me to go outside? Sunlight would be the only way I could prove to him that he was wrong.
"Let me out of here!" I flailed my arms around. I couldn't live like this. The blackness was so dark it did more than scare me shitless, it terrified me.
Suddenly, several pairs of arms grabbed me, pushing me back. I didn't know what was going on, but I wasn't giving up. I was going to fight until I couldn't fight anymore.
"Stop…what are you doing? Let me up…let me go!"
"Mrs. Saxton, I need you to be still for just for a moment." This was a new voice. It was female but much rougher than the other's.
"Screw you! I need you to let me up!" I spat back at her. I didn't know who the hell she thought she was, but she wasn't going to talk to me like a child. I pushed against the hands that held me down, but the more I pushed, the harder they restrained me.
"I don't know who the hell you–"
I didn't feel the stick but I could hear my words become slow and garbled.
"That's it, Mrs. Saxton. Let it go."
I couldn't feel anything anymore. I wanted to fight the helplessness, but I couldn't focus on who I needed to battle with. I couldn't give into the darkness I was already bathing in it. The sounds around me became jumbled. I tried to turn my head to t
he sides to hear what was being said, but I couldn't comprehend what their sentences meant. The last thought that consumed my mind before I finally gave into whatever they had given me was where were my husband and son?
* * *
My eyes fluttered open, yet there was still nothing to look at. I heard a moan leave my mouth but didn't try to move. My body felt heavy, as though something was sitting on top of me. I let out a gasp.
"You're fine, Mrs. Saxton…you've been restrained."
I heard the rough voiced nurse again. I tried to pick up my hand but it was instantly halted and I heard the rattle of the side bar that was attached to the bed.
"Undo my hands," I slurred.
Immediately the nurse replied, "I can't do that until the doctor comes in to speak with you."
"Get him in here then…now. I'm uncomfortable and I need to use the restroom."
This time, she didn't reply. Silence fell on the room once again. I raised my head, attempting to survey a room that I still couldn't see. I was now plunged into a world of nothing. No color, no sense of beauty. I would never again look upon my son's face as he grew up to become a man, or revel in the knowledge that he grew to be an exact copy of his father. I would never see it for myself. I only had my memories to remind me of what he looked like.
The sounds of their voices drifting toward me brought me back to my reality.
"Ah, Mrs. Saxton, I see you have decided to join us again This time in a better frame of mind?" I ignored his smartass remark and asked the one question I needed answered first.
"Where are Charlie and Sawyer?"
"Let's talk about you right now," he quickly shot back.
I didn't want to discuss my circumstances right now, I wanted to hold my son in my arms, to know that he and my husband were alright.
"I want to know where my husband and son are, then we can deal with…with…"
I couldn't even bring myself to say the words. That one word meant that my eyesight was gone and I was admitting defeat.