by Tracy Lee
I didn't let him finish. How dare he tell me who I was! He didn't know me back before…
I blocked that road in my mind. That was a dead end that I would never even think about traveling down.
Ever.
"You don't know who I was," I said loud enough for him to hear me over the sound in the room. I could hear the sweep of his feet as my location caught him off guard.
"Hope…"
"No, Doc. Don't you dare go there with me!" I yelled louder this time as I pushed myself up to a standing position. He might have the advantage of seeing my actions and my body language but he was not going to look down on me as though I was beneath him. I had learned to read people just by the tone in their voice.
"You think you can just send these people in here to observe me like some kind of lab rat? These strangers walk in here like they are better than me…I know, I can hear it in their voice. Just because they have some degree hanging on a wall in an office, they can spontaneously heal me? I've told every single one of them to stop coming in here, I don't want their help…I don't need their help! Stop wasting their time, because this is the only way you have ever known me. I have nothing but wasted time and will continue to have nothing until the day I die. Which, just between you and me, can't come soon enough."
I heard him clear his throat before he spoke. He knew that there was nothing else they could do that may work. Eleven surgeries to try to repair the damage that had been done. We tried everything. My blindness was permanent.
"Are you planning on harming yourself, Hope?"
I could hear the quiver in his tone, the breathy way he said "harming". I knew he was wishing I would have never said anything and just let him walk right back out of this room. Counseling was not his specialty, he was more of the hands-on doctor. This tell me how you feel bullshit was more for the chauvinistic, money hungry asshole that made you like feel like you would still be living in that fucked up state of mind if it wasn't for them. I had come to the conclusion that since my family nor my eyes would never be returned to me, I would constantly live in that fucked up state of mind. I laughed a maniacal laugh and felt his body heat draw closer to me. I knew I was scaring the shit out of him.
But, since I liked the guy.
"No, I'm not planning on harming myself, Doc. I won't do anything if…"
I quickly reassessed my thoughts, figuring I could really use this question to my advantage.
"Tell them to stop coming in here and let me live out the rest of my life by myself. No more tests, no more therapy sessions, just let me be."
He didn't even wait for me to finish. "You know I can't do that, Hope." I could feel the smile leave my face as I turned to hide the disappointment that was encompassing me. This conversation was over.
"Get out," I said softly.
"Hope…" He took a step closer, I backed away.
"I said get out!"
This time, he listened.
I heard the door lock as I slid back down into my position again, laying my cheek on my knees. I felt the tear quickly roll down my cheek before it hit the papered floor I sat on. I never thought someone could actually live feeling this alone.
Something I dealt with every day of my life.
Chapter 7
One Month Later
I could see.
Visions flashed through my mind as though they were happening right in front of me. Sawyer was in his highchair and I was pretending I was an airplane bringing in a loaded spoon of blended peas for a landing directly into his mouth. I could hear him giggle as he opened up, inviting the payload straight to his big boy tummy.
I could hear Charlie's husky laugh as he watched from behind us. "Honey, you really shouldn't play with his food," Charlie jokingly chastised me. "He's not going to eat it without you playing that each time if you keep it up." I giggled as I turned around and blew Charlie a kiss. He had such good intentions, but I just couldn't help myself when it came to Sawyer.
I could smell the rosemary chicken he had grilling on the stove as if this were my reality. I looked around and could see the room as though I was sitting in it at this very moment. My senses were overwhelmed with everything that was around me and I took in every bit of it. Standing up, I headed over to my husband. I just needed to feel him against me. I needed to know that he was truly here with me. Charlie was in front of the stove. I watched as he turned the chicken over, revealing a beautiful golden-brown piece of delectable heaven that made my mouth water every time he made it. My eyes went to the back of his head as I reached up to touch his hair. I could feel the dark strands of silk as they ran through my fingers. I closed my eyes as my heart filled with warmth. Slowly, Charlie turned around and I hugged him as tight as I could. Inhaling deep, I took in his scent. I loved his cologne but Charlie always had a natural scent to him that I was drawn to; sandalwood and leather was what would come to mind.
I reached up on my tip-toes and pushed my lips against his. They were so warm against my cold, chapped skin. I didn't want to pull away because I knew as soon as I did this would all be over. I opened my eyes and noticed Charlie's were open as well. I stared into the crystal blue color as he stared into mine. I could see his soul through his eyes.
"What's wrong, babe?" Charlie asked, his words flooded with worry as he gently pulled back. I couldn't speak, I couldn't find the words. Maybe my other reality was the nightmare, maybe this was my reality. Right now; here, in this moment. I didn't want to answer him just in case. I turned around and went back over to Sawyer who was still in his highchair palming cereal O's into his mouth. I leaned down and placed my nose to the top of his head. I could smell the shampoo I used when I washed his hair earlier that morning. It filled my senses as my heart beamed with overflowing love for my child that I had back in my arms…and in my sight.
I pulled him up and into me as though I would never let him go. I didn't know where I was but I was never leaving this place. Sawyer pushed back as I looked into his eyes…eyes that I stared into not three minutes ago, Charlie's eyes, and I said the only words that I could. Words that I meant with all of my heart. "Mommy loves you so much, baby." I was looking at my child again, my son that had been taken from me over a year and a half ago. He was really in my arms.
"Hope, are you ready to eat?" I turned to look back at Charlie and noticed that he looked oddly different, almost transparent. Suddenly, Sawyer wasn't as heavy as he had once been. I immediately got up and started to run over to Charlie. I could hear him calling my name but it was quickly fading. "Hope… Hope? Why won't you answer me, Hope?"
I began calling to him. The calling became louder until I was screaming his name. "Charlie…Charlie…Sawyer…come back!"
"Hope…Hope…" I could hear him and his voice suddenly became louder. I opened my eyes to a dark stillness. Nothing was in my sight but a cold, dark emptiness. It was then I realized that I was back in my reality. I heard a male's voice that seemed strangely familiar but I couldn't place where I knew it from. He continued to call my name as he repeatedly jarred me from my sleep.
"Hope, get up."
The voice was loud, rough and direct. Most of the people who came in here were soft spoken as though they were afraid to piss me off. This deep male's voice was completely the opposite. As a matter of fact, he sounded like he was the one who was pissed off.
"Get up! I'm in no mood for your games today so let me say what I need to say and I'll get out of here."
I felt the weight of the bed lighten as he got up from sitting on the side of it. Obviously, that's where I knew that voice from, he had been here before. I started to think back over all the doctors and therapists that had come to visit me but I couldn't place this voice. I sat up and yawned. Scratching my scalp through my snarled hair ended up making it more tangled, but I didn't care. I wasn't here for a beauty pageant or to impress anyone. Hell, they were lucky I was wearing panties under these cheap ass scrubs they gave us to wear.
I set my feet on the concrete floor and felt t
he shiver run through me from the difference in temperatures. Turning my head from side to side, I realized it wasn't as loud in here as it usually was.
"Click."
Quickly, I turned my head in the direction of the sound as the room began to fade away.
"Click."
There went my radio by the door.
"Click."
There went the television. Panic started rising inside of me. Who the hell did this man think he was coming in here and touching my belongings? I looked around quickly in the directions that I had placed all my small radios. One by one, it became quieter in the room and, for the first time since I got here, I began to feel that feeling I had locked down deep inside.
Helplessness.
I decided a long time ago that I would never allow people to think that I was incapable of doing anything. I would never allow myself to be known as being disabled or not having the ability to fend for myself. That label was mine to do with as I wanted and, when I was alone in here, I chose to just sit here and waste away.
But, not in front of people.
The quieter it grew, the more uncomfortable I became and the angrier I got. This asshole was going to get the hell out of my space now. I stood up and walked over to the first radio I could reach and turned it back on. Reaching around the side, I felt the volume control. I decided since he was going to be a dick, I'd be a bigger one. I turned it up even louder. I went to the next one and turned it on as well as I yelled to the room.
"I don't know who you are, dickhead, but didn't your momma teach you that touching other people's shit isn't nice?"
There was no answer.
I went to the next one and turned it back on, nothing but loud static. I didn't care, it was the noise that I wanted.
"Click."
There went what I could only imagine was a lamp, then another one, then another one. He was shutting everything down.
"I told you, Hope, the quicker you listen to me, the quicker I get outta here. Now, what's it going to be?"
I stopped where I was. He was not going to say anything I hadn't heard before. I turned in the direction of his voice.
"And don't even think you can catch me off guard again. I've checked your room, there are no mugs in here this time."
"Sheldon."
I knew I had heard his voice before. It was that Sheldon guy, he came back. Damn, I thought I had scared him off. I was going to have to rethink my scare tactics since they didn't seem to be working anymore.
"Say what you have to say and get out." My voice was low and it wasn't sweet, it was demanding and curt and I meant each word.
"That's what I was working on, but I really didn't want to yell over static."
His voice was loud, but I didn't care if he wrote down what he had to say and left it for me on my table, that's how much I was going to pay attention. I walked over to the table that was in the direction of his voice and pulled out the chair to physically show him he had my attention. Mentally? Well...
"You're being discharged from this facility."
His words cut through me like a sword that had been sitting in a flame. How could they discharge me? They were being paid for my care. Sheldon cleared his throat to apparently get my attention so that he could continue, which he did.
"Therefore, it is my responsibility to help you learn or in your case, since you're such a…" He stopped talking as if to think of the right word to say. Bitch? Pain in the ass? Fucking asshole? Those were the delightful endearments that came to mind. I smiled huge with what other words I could come up with.
"An independent woman."
That's what he came up with? I thought to myself as he continued on.
"I will help you relearn how to dress yourself, deal with hygiene…" He coughed. At his words, I raised my arm up and pulled on the patch of hair that now grew in my once a month waxed underarm. "You will be able to cook and clean for yourself and, if you really work hard and wanted to, you could even get a job."
"Oh, joy! Let the bells toll for the blind woman who can ask if you want fries with that," I sarcastically spat out. I could tell by his tone that he was beginning to relax since I hadn't said or threw anything at his head. That changed when I made my cynical remark. I pictured this overweight middle aged man standing up in front of me, telling me he was going to "teach me" how to fend for myself.
This was such bullshit.
"Do you have any questions?"
Suddenly, I realized that he had asked the wrong question. I had questions alright. He wanted to teach me how to clean up and wipe my own ass, I needed to find out what other things he was going to teach me.
"Yeah, I have a question. Are you going to reteach me how to give a blowjob, too? Or maybe how to take it up the ass?"
I didn't let him answer, I quickly stood up and pulled my tank top off, exposing my braless chest to him. Closing in on his voice, I continued asking my questions.
"Maybe you can teach me how to put a man's dick between these and make him scream my name. Do you think you can do that, Sheldon?"
He didn't answer me verbally, instead, he flipped me around, pushing my front up against the wall and pulling my arm up behind my back as though I was being arrested. I guess that last question was not one that was on his list of things to teach. Just as fast, he had his weight against my back, holding me still between him and the wall.
Oh, he was going to teach me how to take it rough, huh?
Laughing was all that I could do. If I could talk to Doc Underwood, none of this would be taking place. So, I continued my one objective of making him so mad he would leave. I pushed my ass out and rubbed it against the rough texture of his pants. More of his weight was placed up higher on my back as he began to whisper through gritted teeth next to my ear.
"Listen here, you may have these other people running scared, but not me. All you're doing is making a huge ass out of yourself. I don't want to be here as much as you don't want me here, but I have no choice. It's my job. Now, you can reach down beside your left leg and find your shirt or I will put it on you myself. Then, you're going to sit your ass back down in that chair and act your age. If not, I will have one of the orderlies come in here and tie you into the restraint chair. Do you get me, Hope?"
At the mention of the restraint chair, I relaxed against his body. I'd had plenty of experience with the restraint chair and I would choose the other choice every time. Sheldon could feel my body calming under him and loosened his grip some. I didn't say a word as I slowly reached down and felt around for my shirt.
"To the right," Sheldon informed me as I drifted my hand out to feel the thin material between my fingers. I grabbed it and jerked up. I didn't need his help. I didn't need anyone's help.
"Let go of me!" I ordered. "I don't need you to give me navigational directions, I know how to find a fuckin' tank top."
He ignored my remark and moved away from me. I threw my shirt on and went to sit where he directed.
"Now, let's try this again. Do you have any questions." This was not a question, but a statement. I did have one question... a real question.
"Where will this training be taking place?"
Instantly, he responded. "Here and then at the home you will be living in."
I was suddenly filled with nothing but misery and despair. The only place I could go was to my house, my old house. The house I lived in with my son and husband, the son and husband who were no longer there. I couldn't go to that house. I wouldn't go anywhere near that house. My dad tried talking me into selling it, but I told him to leave and never come back. That's exactly what he did, along with everyone else in my family. I didn't want to be a part of their lives anymore. They would only be a huge reminder of what I lost.
"I can't go back there," I whispered. I didn't even think it was loud enough for anyone to hear, but Sheldon did.
"Yes, you can," he whispered just as soft.
"I won't go back there," I said, louder this time. I would sleep out on the stree
t before I would go back to that house.
"Hope…"
I didn't let him finish. There was nothing he could say that would get me to even drive down that street. Maybe it was a good thing that I couldn't see because I would never see that house again. I turned my body around to Sheldon and opened my eyes. I may not be able to see anything, but I know that he could see what my eyes looked like and I wanted him to know that I was serious.
"I'm telling you, Sheldon, I am not going back to that house."
He was silent for a moment before I heard him let out a breath.
"Fine. We have a lot to do until we get to that point, so let's not blow a gasket over something that will not happen until farther down the road. I will be back tomorrow, be prepared to work. I will bring some clothes I expect to see you in every day and you better not give me a hard time."
I didn't answer him and he took that as my response. I felt the breeze of his walking past me and knew he was leaving. I didn't offer him a goodbye or even a see ya' later. I felt the pressure of the door in my ears before I heard it close.
My mind was whirling with thoughts and feelings I hadn't felt since I came here. I sat down in my spot and thought. The last thought that passed through my mind was the one I spoke out loud.
"I'm not going back to that house."
Chapter 8
It was night.
I could tell because the halls had become peaceful. I lay in my bed desperately wanting to be taken back to the place in my dreams where I was surrounded by Charlie and Sawyer. I turned to my side and closed my eyes. I couldn't find sleep like this. Turning to the other side, I came to the conclusion that this position wouldn't work either. I laid on my back and opened my eyes. It really didn't matter, it wasn't like I could see anything in front of me.