by Shafer, Gina
The thought catches me off guard. Cooking is usually my escape. What the hell am I supposed to do if I can’t find that place to run away to anymore?
“Smells good in here, hon,” Dad says, filling a bottle of water from the fridge. I don’t have it in me to smile, and he notices. “What’s wrong?” He rubs my back.
I stare into the soup as tears fall. Fuck, I’m so sick of crying. I let go and turn to Dad, letting him hug me.
“I’m so sorry, honey,” he says, comforting me.
I pull away, wiping my eyes and sniffling. “I spoke with Dr. Manzano while you guys were in physical therapy.” I stir the soup. “He suggested another care home.”
“Dammit. He already knows we don’t want to do that.”
“I know, Dad. That’s what I told him.”
He regards me carefully before saying, “I’m sensing a but here.”
I take a deep breath. “Are we really willing and able to be here with her here, alone, the moment this ends? The minute she takes her last breath? Can you do that? Because I’m not so sure I can.”
He staggers, and the look on his face reminds me of how I felt in Dr. Manzano’s office.
“We’ve been helping her, Dad. But without medical professionals, helping her pass in comfort and with ease, are we really doing what’s best for her?” I stop, because he hangs his head in defeat.
“We should think about it,” he finally says. “Do you have any information on this place?”
I retrieve my phone from my back pocket and check email. “Yes. Dr. Manzano had the office email some stuff over. I’ll forward it to you. He also told us not to feel rushed, so I think we should consider our options for a couple weeks before we make a decision.”
“Well, whatever happens, we will figure it out, sweetheart,” he says. I lift the corner of my mouth as he leaves the kitchen. Finally, after everything, he finally understands and trusts that I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.
The phone vibrates in my hand.
Nick: Hey, are you coming over tonight?
I wipe the rest of my tears from my face, shaking it off.
Me: Yeah, just finishing up dinner. You want to come eat with us? There’s enough for Rose too.
I haven’t told him I make enough for everyone on purpose. I like having us all together at one table.
Nick: You bet. You know I can’t deny your food.
I feel some of the weight from today already lightening just hearing from him.
After the soup simmers a while, I toss in pasta and a pinch of salt and pepper.
I pop a loaf of French bread into the oven so it gets nice and crusty, then I rip it into pieces and arrange them in a breadbasket. I’m placing it on the dining table when Nick walks in.
“Hey, baby.”
It takes everything in me not to rush over and beg him to whisk me away from all of this.
I flash him a smile. “Where’s your sister?”
“Spending the night at our aunt’s.”
“I thought they weren’t getting along. Wasn’t that the reason why she came to live with you?” I ask over my shoulder, walking back to the stove.
“They’ve been talking a lot lately, and my aunt offered to take her shopping tomorrow.”
“That’s good.” I spoon the soup into bowls. Nick carries them to the table while I fetch Parmesan cheese to sprinkle on top.
Dad helps Mama up, and they join us. It doesn’t take long to clear our plates as the conversation moves around the table. I think we all needed a good hearty meal today.
I sit back, comforted. The sun is in the window behind Nick. It’s low, a deep simmering reddish-orange, like a flash of fire before its choked by darkness.
“That’s beautiful,” I say, tipping my head to the sky. Nick swivels to see the sunset, then gives me a confused look.
I shrug. I can’t deny its beauty. The world spins, the sun is constant. I still wish I could stop it all, if only for a second,.
“Do you want to sit outside for a while?” I ask Mama.
“With who?” she’s says, frowning.
“With me.” I fix a tender smile on my lips.
“Who are you?” she asks.
My heart sinks.
Dad jumps in. “You know who she is, dear.”
“Who?” she asks again. The unemotional tone cracks me in half. I look around the table and see the same utterly shattered look in Nick and Dad’s eyes.
She has forgotten me before, only for brief moments. I knew one day she would forget who I am, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt all the same. This time, it feels real.
“Do you know who you are?” she asks me.
“Yes, I know who I am. Do you know who I am?” I ask her.
“No.”
“Your name is Carol.”
“What does that mean?” She grows increasingly confused.
I don’t know what to say. I want to redirect her frustration, but I also want to demand she remember who I am.
“Nothing, sweetheart. Let’s get you ready for bed.” Dad interrupts. I shoot him a thankful look and hang my head in my hands after they leave.
I’m think I’m too broken to sob.
Nick rounds the table and crouches beside me, rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry.”
I raise my head with tremendous effort and hold my chin high. “I’ve got to clean this up before we can go over to your place. Do you mind if Coconut stays over too?” I ask.
Nick regards me carefully and then sighs. He knows I wont drop the façade right now. Or maybe I can’t. I’m not ready to fall apart again, after I just barely got the pieces back together after speaking to the doctor.
I close my eyes when he places a gentle kiss to my forehead. “I’ll go get him set up,” he says, standing.
“I’ll meet you over there. Let me make sure Dad doesn’t need anything before I go.” I get up. This is our routine. I can do this. I can keep it together until I can fall apart.
“I love you, you know,” He says solemnly as I busy myself with dishes.
Luckily my back is turned to him, so he can’t see how my face crumbles. I don’t deserve this man. “I love you too,” I force out past thick emotion. I expect him to leave, but his arms around me, enveloping me in a tender embrace.
“Don’t,” I whisper. “I’m not ready to break yet.”
He lets go, but I still feel him behind me, caressing my elbows while I scrub the last few dishes.
I drain the sink water and then take a shaky breath.
“I wont push you,” he says. “But I’m not going to leave you to deal with this on your own. You ask that of me often, and I let you because it seems like something you need. But this time I’m staying right here. We are getting your things after we help your dad, and then we are going to my place to talk about this.”
I don’t want him to leave me alone. I can let him help me carry this weight for a while.
“I need you. Right now.” I say desperately.
His brows shoot up in surprise. Now isn’t the best time, but I need him. I need Nick to do what he does best and push this aside the moment he enters me. I have no room for sorrow when he fills me so. I lean against him, and he glances around, like he doesn’t know what to do.
Dad is helping Mama to bed, staying with her while she falls asleep. This means we have time to steal. “Please, Nick, I need you inside me.”
“Where?” he finally says, lifting me against him.
“Anywhere,” I answer, unable to make a decision because my thoughts are foggy with want and need. I whimper when he thrusts against me. I’m placing all of the control in his hands, and he knows it. He holds me firmly against him as he leads us out the front door and to the side of the house hidden behind a patch of tall hedges.
“You okay with here?” he asks. I glance around, feeling well hidden behind the shrubbery. I nod.
Almost roughly, he slams me into the siding and spreads my legs, fitting
himself tightly between them. I’m wearing soft shorts, and thankfully they stretch, because the way he tugs them aside, he probably would have ripped them otherwise. I’m bare for him, waiting as he unzips his pants.
“Fuck,” he says, dropping his head. He goes limp, though he still keeps me pressed against the house.
“What? I ask breathlessly.
“I don’t have a condom with me.” He says it like it’s the worst thing imaginable.
I’m on birth control. I have been for years. I never miss a pill. The responsible thing to do would be to wait, but, I love this man. I trust him wholeheartedly.
“Fuck me anyway.” I pull his mouth to mine, and he kisses me with renewed passion.
“Are you sure?”
I couldn’t be more positive. “Yes.”
Without hesitation or warning, he enters me. I cry out and clench against him as the most delicious sensation takes me over. He feels so fucking good, and he hasn’t even moved. He holds me up, deeply rooted inside me while we adjust to this.
“You feel like fucking heaven,” he grunts, and I completely agree with that sentiment.
I moan when he starts to move, picking up the pace and then thrusting into me relentlessly.
This is one of those times when I’m thankful he knows me better than I know myself. He fucks me brutally and lovingly at the same time, slamming into me hard and fast, but placing his hand behind my head so that it doesn’t hit the wood siding.
“You’re gonna come for me, aren’t you, baby?” he asks, giving my collarbone a nibble. I whimper and moan. I’m so close. I just need a little more.
He pulls out, and I cry out at the loss. What the hell? He whirls me around, pushing my front against the wall, still preventing my face from impacting the hard siding.
He shoves my shorts down and impales me from behind. The different angle changes things completely. Deeper. More intense. His cock feels thicker and harder. I push back, meeting every thrust, and yelp when he gives my nipple a hard pinch through my shirt. He soothes it after, pulling my clothes aside and circling his index finger around the reddened skin. My head falls back against his shoulder, and he dives in to kiss my neck.
“Your mouth is so fucking pretty,” he says, moving slower. “I want to coat your lips with my come.”
I die a little inside. Nick is such a smooth talker, but when it comes to sex, he makes everything sound fucking amazing.
“Next time…,” he says, his hand moving down until it meets the apex of my thighs. He kicks my legs wider and his fingers move through me.
He moans, pressing two fingers against my already full pussy, feeling his way in. I whimper, not used to feeling so full. It doesn’t hurt, but I need to get used to it. He waits until my breathing slows and then curls his fingers upward, hitting that lovely little button deep inside me.
He thrusts again. Deep… slow… hard. I orgasm in a way I never have before. I drift, the pleasure entrapping me. I moan until Nick pulls his fingers from me and uses the same hand to cover my mouth. His fingers are wet against my lips, and I open, drawing them in. He comes then too, filling me so much that I feel it dripping down my thighs.
I let my head roll forward, resting as he pulls out of me. The emptiness I feel is a stark contrast, and I already miss him. A cool breeze picks up and I feel it against my bare center. I straighten as Nick helps me fix my clothes.
He crushes his lips against mine, pouring himself into the kiss. I soak up his love until he releases me.
“That was supposed to be a quick little rendezvous.”
“Well, someone got a little too into it.” I say, giving him a pat on the shoulder. Judging by the way he looks at me, he knows I’m referring to me.
“I think we both got a little caught up,” he says, smiling.
He motions for me to lead the way back inside. Dad is still with Mama.
We go to my room, and I get a pair of pajamas and an outfit for the morning. Nick picks up Coconut’s litter box by the handle on the lid.
“I’ll grab a can of his food on the way out. Meet you at my place.” He kisses me on his way out.
Coconut curls up in my lap when I sit on the bed, waiting to talk to Dad before leaving.
After a while, I hear a light knock on my door and he walks in. “Are you going over to Nick’s tonight?” Coconut jumps up and squeaks out a needy little meow at the foot of the bed. He smiles and sits beside her, scratching her chin.
“I’m going over there now. I was just waiting to see if you needed help with anything before tomorrow.”
“No, we’re good.” Just before leaving, he turns. “Listen, Whitley. I’m sorry about what happened at dinner with Caroline. I know how hard this must be, but don’t forget she loves you. Her brain may not recognize you, but she loves you.”
“I know. Let’s take it one day at a time. I’m not sure she’ll know any of us tomorrow.
I can’t talk about it anymore. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster I can’t get off.
“Okay. I love you, Whitley-bean.”
“I love you too, Dad.” I scoop up Coconut and my clothes.
Once I make it to Nick’s, I’m a mess all over again. My thoughts run wild. Nick offers to shower with me, and I’m quiet as he massages shampoo into my hair and then rinses it out.
My mother is going to die not recognizing any of the people around her. I wish there was someone who could explain this to me. Why is she being tortured like this? She deserves so much better. She deserves to grow old like a normal person. I want her to be there for me when I get married, whether or not it’s with Nick. I want her to help me name my children, and I want to call her when they’re sick and I don’t know what to do.
I want what every child assumes they’re promised when they’re born: a mother who guides them through life with love and wisdom. Where are the lessons she wanted to teach me as soon as I was old enough?
Where was I before this disease took so much of her that I couldn’t let her know how sorry I am for leaving her and my father here to fight this alone. I missed it. I was too late. I have no way to know for sure she understands how much she means to me.
I don’t realize I’m crying until Nick wipes my eyes. “I can hardly bear to see you hurting.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I just wish there was something I could do.” He pulls my naked body against his. The hot water streams over us, and we sways side to side.
I tell him the story of gardening with my mother. Of me begging her never to die. I tell him about sunflowers, and their meaning to me. I open the floodgates and I tell him everything.
After we finish showering and towel off, I decide to sleep without any clothes and get into bed naked.
“Do you think it’s okay that we’re doing this?” I ask.
He climbs in facing me, leaning up on his elbow. “What do you mean?”
I let a little more of my insecurity show. “You know… like us. Do you think it’s okay that I’m here with you most nights, falling in love, making love, while Mama fights for her life?”
“I don’t think of it that way.”
“How do you think of it?”
“I think about us. How you make me feel and how much I want to be with you. I think about my parents, and how much they would love you. I think about Rose and the way she’s softened because of you. I think about the look on your Dad’s face when he sees us together. And when I think about your Mom, I know she would want you to find happiness, even in all this misery. Especially in all of this misery.”
His words strike deep. Everything he says makes sense, yet I still can’t shake the guilt. I shiver, and he kisses my head.
“If the sex part is confusing things with you, I could just lie here with you every night and still feel more fulfilled than I did before I was with you.”
“It’s not that. It feels like I’ve found all the pieces of myself that were scattered around the world when I was born. When you touch me, eve
rything suddenly makes sense.”
“I’m not sure what happens when we make love, but it’s almost like we fade into our own little world. The universe disappears and all I can see is you. All I can feel is your body moving in time with mine. I can’t explain it. I don’t even want to try,” Nick says.
I want him again. Badly. In fact, I don’t think I can handle it if he denies me. “I’m sorry. I’m in this; you know I’m in this. I just don’t like to display my weaknesses for the world to see,” I tell him, punctuating my words with kisses on his neck. I move my hand down his chest, lightly skimming his cock, which surprisingly is already hard as stone.
“I know.” He looks down at me. “You’re hurting, and that pain has to seep out somewhere. I won’t fault you for that, especially considering how strong you’ve been for your mom.”
God, I love him.
“You have such confidence in me.”
He peppers hot kisses across my cheek. “That’s because I know you.” He strokes my side and then pulls my leg over his hip.
How can I be so off kilter and still so centered at the same time? It has to be him. He keeps me from teetering off the edge.
I nestle deeper against him, anxious for his kisses to drown out the white noise my thoughts create. After a while, I can’t think of anything but the way it feels when he enters me again, and the beat of his heart as I rest my head on his chest afterward.
So goes the next few months of my life.
I’m filled with utter joy, falling deeply in love a man that makes me feel in ways I never thought I could, and then returning home to watch my more of my Mama disappear each new day. The happiest moments of my life mingle with the saddest and I’m caught in between them like debris is held still in the eye of a storm. If I lean too much one way, I’m swept into a vicious storm, violently tugging me apart starting with the very center. My heart.
I’m starting to see the truth. One way or another, my heart will break. There’s no avoiding it. And I’m fucking terrified.
Have you ever seen caged animals hurt themselves in a moment of fear? Aunt Debbie took me and my cousin Adley to the San Francisco Zoo when I was a child.