by Sandra Brown
Erik laughed, too, and looked at Tamara in appreciation. “Sounds good to me.”
Kathleen jumped up abruptly, surprising Theron into dropping the wet beads against her blouse. “I… I’m sure that the commercials will all be lovely. It was nice to meet you, Miss… uh… Tamara. Please excuse me. I’m…” She was gasping for breath and there was a stabbing pain in her head. “I’m awfully tired. Goodnight, Hazel, Erik. Goodnight, Seth.” She went to him and kissed him hurriedly on the cheek.
“Kathleen—”
“I’ll see you in the morning,” she cut him off. Before any of them could reply, she retreated with Theron to the sanctuary upstairs, out of sight of Erik and the woman who would go with him on the tropical getaway.
* * *
The day after her arrival home Kathleen spent in her room. The trip had tired her more than she had wanted to admit, and the rude awakening she had been subjected to the night before hadn’t helped any.
The day passed slowly. She tried to nap off and on, but each time she drifted to sleep, dreams of Erik, usually with a leggy blonde hanging on his arm, would awaken her, and she would pace the carpet, weep, and then feel guilt and remorse for being unfaithful to Seth, if not in deed, then certainly in mind.
The day after that, she returned to work. Eliot hadn’t seemed to be wilted at all by the trip. Indeed, he seemed invigorated, and the enthusiasm he exhibited over the coming season began to grate on Kathleen’s nerves—as did everything else.
From the beginning of November until Christmas was every merchant’s busiest season and Kirchoff’s was no exception. Still, Seth didn’t let that stand in the way of the preparations for the commercials. The Caribbean trip was planned for the first week in December.
Kathleen wanted nothing to do with it, but she found that she would be very much involved.
“Do you realize that you’re asking the impossible?” she stormed. They were all in Seth’s office, having met to discuss the scheduled trip. She flew out of her chair and crossed to the bookshelves, folding her arms over her chest and keeping her back to them. How much more of this could she take? This was the third such meeting in a week. They kept her in close contact with Erik when she’d just as soon not have to see him.
“Kathleen,” Seth said patiently, “we know what a bind we’re putting you in. But in order for the commercials to start playing on time, Erik must have them produced shortly after the first of the year. That’s why it’s necessary to do them so soon.”
She turned around and glared at them. Erik was slumped insouciantly in a chair with his feet stretched out in front of him. He was staring at her from under lowered brows. She wished he wouldn’t do that. It made her uncomfortable.
“I understand all of that, Seth. I’m not an imbecile,” she snapped. “Do you understand how difficult it’s going to be to have clothes, even samples, delivered by that time? I don’t know if I can get even one fashion house to cooperate. They’ll laugh in my face.”
“We understand the pressure you’re working under and know that you’ll do the best you can. The commercials will be useless if we have to use last season’s fashions. I want only new stuff.”
“I know, I know,” she repeated tiredly, in her own mean way reminding Seth that he had told her that at least a hundred times. “They’re not even cutting next spring’s lines yet,” she grumbled. “I should know. I just got back from New York, remember?”
“Yes,” Seth replied, unperturbed by her sarcastic tone. “And if what Eliot tells me is right, you charmed every manufacturer on Seventh Avenue. Surely you can ask them for one small—no, I’ll correct that—one large favor.”
She sighed, hitching her shoulders up and then letting them drop theatrically. “What size does the girl wear?”
“Tamara,” Erik said. “Her name is Tamara.”
“I’m sorry,” Kathleen gushed. “What size does Tamara wear?”
“An eight. We’re using all size-eight models to make it easier on you.”
“Thank you ever so much,” she said sweetly, and batted her eyelashes. “I can’t tell you how much your consideration is going to help me do the impossible.”
There was a heavy silence in the room while the three tried to keep their eyes away from each other. Kathleen was immediately ashamed of her childish sarcasm. What was the matter with her?
“Erik, will you excuse us, please,” Seth asked quietly after several long, tense moments.
“Of course.” He rolled his length out of the chair and sauntered from the room.
Another silence followed while Kathleen plucked at a loose thread on her sleeve. At last, when she felt that she would burst if Seth didn’t yell at her for her abominable behavior, she said, “I’m sorry. I know I embarrassed you in front of your associate and I’m sorry.”
He didn’t say anything and she was forced to look at him. There was no reproach or anger in his eyes, only worry. “Kathleen, what’s wrong?” His voice was like velvet, quiet and soothing. Had he been condemning, she would have fought back, but that compelling voice punctured her haughtiness and she sagged in defeat.
“I don’t know.”
“Come here,” he said. She didn’t argue with him. She went to his wheelchair and let him pull her down onto his lap much as he had done the day she had told him she was pregnant. “Are you sure you don’t know what’s the matter? You haven’t been yourself for a while now. If there’s something wrong, I want to know about it. Can I help you in any way?”
“Oh, Seth,” she groaned into his neck, and welcomed the feel of his arms around her. He was so kind. If she confessed to him now that she loved his friend, that Erik was Theron’s father, she knew that he would forgive her. His love was unconditional. But she would never hurt him that way. She adored him too much.
“What’s bothering you? Is it Erik?”
Her heart stopped. Did Seth already know? Had she been too careless with the longing looks she gave Erik each time they were in the same room? Did Seth discern the similarity between Theron and Erik, which became more noticeable each day?
She had to say something. “Why would Erik bother me?” She laughed lightly, but it had a brittle sound.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think the two of you really like each other. Other times, I think you’re squaring off for combat.”
She put her arm around Seth’s shoulders and kissed him on the cheek, trying to keep her relief from showing. “The only thing I’m worried about right now is not getting those clothes on time.”
He was too intelligent to be put off so easily. “Kathleen.” He cupped her face with both his hands and waited until she had raised her eyes to his before he spoke. “I told you once that if you ever wanted anything—anything—all you need do is ask. If it’s within my limited power to give it to you, I will. I love you. Do you know how much?”
Tears had flooded her eyes now and she read the love that had always been so evident in his glowing brown eyes. She nodded her head slowly. She had an idea of how much he must love her. He was plagued by an unfulfilled, gnawing love that couldn’t be nurtured or ignored. She also knew, in this case, that it was an undeserved love and, therefore, that much more precious.
She collapsed against him and cried in racking sobs. Finally, after several minutes, she sat up and accepted his handkerchief. “I think maybe you have too much to do,” Seth said. “Tears like that are often the product of extreme exhaustion.”
“No. I’m fine now. Maybe all I needed was a good cry.” She smiled. “I must get busy now. As you know, I’ve got to put through several dozen calls to New York and make lifetime enemies of overworked cutters and seamstresses.”
He laughed, but was serious when he said, “If anyone can work the miracle, you can. Just don’t wear yourself out doing it. Nothing is as important to me as you are.”
“I know,” she whispered, and kissed him gently on the mouth. She eased out of his lap and noticed the boniness of his knees through the cloth of his pants.<
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“Seth,” she broached the subject warily, for she knew he was sensitive about it, “are you feeling well? You seem so tired lately. When did you last see your doctor?”
He tossed back his head in feigned exasperation. “What is this? Turn about, fair play? Of course I’m feeling well. George would be offended if he knew you didn’t think he was taking proper care of me. He watches me like an old mother hen.” He took her hand and pressed it between his own. “Promise me, Kathleen, that you’ll never worry unduly about me. I’ll be fine. I promise you that.”
She wasn’t convinced, but she didn’t want to nag him with her own concerns. “Then get back to work!” she commanded as she put on a falsely cheerful air and sashayed toward the door. “I’ll tell Claire to bring you some coffee.” She waved goodbye to him and went out through the secretary’s office.
Thankfully, Erik had left.
* * *
Late in the morning of Thanksgiving Day, Kathleen came bounding down the stairs with the intention of joining Seth on the driveway. He had already gone out to wait for Erik, who was coming over for one of their basketball-shooting bouts. Since Erik had had the hoop installed, they spent several hours a week at the exercise.
Kathleen had worriedly asked George if he thought it was too strenuous a workout for Seth.
“No,” he answered. “Don’t discourage it, Kathleen. He enjoys it, more for the competition than for the exercise. Leave him alone. He needs to share something like this with other men his age.”
So she said nothing, though she often thought Seth looked completely undone by the time he and Erik finished their games. Now she watched from the patio door as Seth dribbled the ball beside the wheel of his chair. It got beyond his reach and he lost control. The ball bounced and rolled into some bushes. Seth glanced around, apparently looking for George, but he found himself alone.
He wheeled toward the bushes and tried to lean over them to retrieve the ball. Sweat popped out on his forehead as the muscles of his neck and arm strained to reach it. Concerned that he was going to fall out of the chair, Kathleen was just about to go through the door to help him when he doubled up his fists and pounded the arms of his chair.
“Goddammit! I hate being a cripple!” Tears of frustration had mingled with the perspiration that poured down his lean cheeks. His voice was only a hoarse whisper, yet she could hear it from that distance. His face was contorted into an angry mask and he continued to pound on the arms of the chair, cursing it and himself. “Dammit all to hell. Why? Why me?”
Kathleen was stunned. Never, since she had known him, had she heard Seth curse his condition. He was always joking about the paralysis. This visible evidence of the anguish he must constantly live with was too pitiable to watch. She momentarily closed her eyes, drawing strength, trying to think of something to say that wouldn’t sound patronizing.
When she opened her eyes, the scene had changed. Erik was approaching Seth at a run, his features registering alarm.
“Seth?” He spoke softly, but Seth heard him and immediately ceased his bitter tirade. The dark eyes slammed shut in embarrassment and his head dropped forward as though hinged to his neck until his chin rested on his chest. His fists remained clenched around the arms of the chair. Erik didn’t speak. Instead, he crouched down on one knee and stared at the ground, patiently waiting for Seth to initiate any conversation.
Kathleen remained breathless and still behind the drapes at the patio door.
“I’m sorry that you had to witness such a temper tantrum. I don’t indulge myself very often, but when I do, I know it’s quite a spectacle.” Seth spoke with self-deprecating humor.
Erik didn’t even smile. He looked up at the other man. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I admire you, Seth. If I were in your condition, if our roles were reversed, I wouldn’t handle it with the graciousness you do.”
“Ah, Erik, don’t pin any medals on my chest. I’m only valorous because I have to be.”
“No, you don’t. You could be a real bastard about it.”
Seth sighed. “Sometimes I feel like being that way. Like now, for instance. I’d like very much to hate you. Don’t you think I wish I had your body, your strength? I’m more dependent on other people than Theron is. What do you think such dependence does to a man? I despise being virtually helpless, Erik. I’ve merely learned to live with it. I confess that I envy you every time I see you.”
Erik picked up the basketball from under the bushes and carefully traced the markings on it with his finger. When he spoke, his voice was so low that Kathleen had trouble hearing him. “I confess to envying you. I wish I had your capacity to accept things as they are. For the past couple of years, I’ve been swimming upstream, battling odds, for something unattainable, wanting something I have no right to want. I can’t take no for an answer. I’ve never been able to. On the other hand, everything you say and do demonstrates a selflessness that I admire because I can’t even understand it. It’s too foreign to my character.”
“Thank you, Erik, but I think you’re being far too hard on yourself.”
“No, I’m afraid I know myself all too well,” he scoffed. He seemed to physically shake off the serious mood and said, “Are you ready to play some basketball?”
“To tell the truth,” Seth admitted apologetically, “I don’t quite feel up to it today.”
“Fine. No problem. How about a beer instead?”
“Sounds good. It’s such a sunny day, why don’t we just stay out here?”
“Okay, I’ll go get the beer.” Erik dropped the basketball and loped toward the kitchen door. Kathleen ducked out of sight, not wanting either man to know she had seen him at his most vulnerable.
* * *
The Sunday after Thanksgiving found Kathleen working in the freight room of the downtown store. The stores had been closed Thanksgiving Day, and since the following Friday and Saturday were two of the busiest shopping days of the year, she hadn’t done some of her own work so she could be on hand if the clerks on the floor needed her assistance.
She and Seth met in the employees’ parking lot. They had driven downtown in separate cars, not knowing when the other would be finished. Seth wanted to supervise the hanging of the Christmas decorations. “There’s no way I can be an Indian,” he joked as he wheeled his chair across the asphalt. “I’m indisputably the chief.”
Kathleen had come dressed for hard, dusty work in old, faded jeans and a chambray shirt with the cuffs rolled back. Her hair was gathered into a ponytail. “Is this the fashion plate of San Francisco?” Seth teased.
“This is she,” she joked back. “All I’m going to be doing is unpacking boxes and steaming clothes. I dressed for comfort.”
“I’m glad you’re doing that today. Tomorrow, when the stores open, there’ll be fresh merchandise on the shelves. From now till Christmas, we’re going to be selling like crazy.” His eyes shone avariciously.
“Seth Kirchoff! How very greedy you are. And it isn’t even your holiday.”
“I give Chanukah presents, don’t I?”
They were still bantering back and forth when George helped roll “the chariot” into the service entrance of the store, where workers were assembled with Christmas decorations, awaiting instructions from Seth and Kirchoff’s window dresser. Everyone got busy.
“Hey, I like that,” Seth said from behind Kathleen several hours later as she was hanging up a soft yellow suit. “Be sure and keep one of those out for yourself.”
“I already have,” she said impishly. “I liked it, too.”
“You see, two great minds always run on the same course.”
The telephone on her desk rang and she reached to pick it up. “Hello.”
“Kathleen?”
Her heart jumped crazily as it always did when she recognized the deep rumble of Erik’s voice. Since the scene between him and Seth in front of the basketball goal, she had seen little of him. Miraculously, and because manufacturers wanted to stay
in good graces with Kirchoff’s, the samples Kathleen asked for had been shipped and received. Erik was frantically trying to tie up all the loose ends concerning the trip before his departure date next week.
“Hello, Erik,” she said in a casually friendly tone. “How did you know where to find us?”
“I called the house and Alice said you were working today. I had the number of your office telephone.”
How had he gotten that? she wondered.
He caught her attention again when he said, “Say, I just got home. I wasn’t here last night. Your and Seth’s gift was waiting for me on my front porch. Luckily, someone didn’t steal it. I wanted to call and say thank you.”
“He got the housewarming gift and says ‘thank you,’ ” Kathleen explained to Seth. To Erik, she said, “I ordered it that day we went shopping. You liked it, remember? I… we,” she amended, “wanted to get you something for your new house.”
“It’s gonna look great, if I can remember how to hang it. Which end is up?”
“What’s he saying?” Seth interrupted.
“He says that he can’t figure out how to hang it up.” Then, into the receiver, she said, “Don’t you remember? The beige part goes on the top—”
“Why don’t you go over and show him?” Seth broke in.
“What?” Kathleen exclaimed.
“I didn’t say anything,” Erik said.
“Not you, Erik,” she said in confusion. “I can’t,” she said to Seth.
“Can’t what?” Erik asked.
“Oh, for goodness sake!” she cried. “You two are driving me crazy.”
“Give me the phone,” Seth said, and grabbed it from her hand. “Erik, what’s going on? Did you like the wall hanging? Kathleen described it to me. She liked it, and I trust her judgment.” Kathleen chewed on her lip while Seth listened to Erik’s reply. She didn’t like the direction this was going.
“Well, I think she should go over and help you hang it.” There was a silence while he listened and Kathleen held her breath. Erik would probably have plans.