Mary slipped further toward the depression that had plagued her as a teenager. How could she be a good mother when she could barely get out of bed? Those and other thoughts about motherhood haunted her every moment.
Mary made the decision the baby would be better off without her. Her friend, Karen, had been adopted and she’d had a happy childhood. Karen had just gotten married, so Mary couldn’t even tell her what was going on. She’d involved Karen too much in her life already.
She had to find a stable and happy family and the logical and the only person she wanted to raise her child was Beth. Mary had to keep her condition a secret until she had time to think everything through. If Beth and William agreed to take her child and raise him as their own, Mary didn’t want the child to know she’d been given up by her birth mother. She wanted the child to be healthy both mentally and physically, and saw that as the only way. It was the worst feeling to know someone didn’t want you. Mary knew that firsthand.
* * *
When Mary’s aunt and uncle had gone out for the day, saying they wouldn’t be home until nightfall, Mary knew it was time to have a serious talk with Beth.
Without letting apprehension discourage her, Mary prepared to walk to Beth and William’s house. It was more than two miles away, and she had already felt the bitter cold nipping at her skin just from sitting by the window. Two miles was not far by buggy, but on foot, and in this weather, it seemed a fair distance. Despite all the reasons it was a bad idea, Mary grabbed her coat, checked the pockets for her mittens, pulled her over-bonnet on over her kapp, and then stepped out into the early morning frost.
The few tears that had lingered on her cheeks were quickly frozen to her skin and she brushed them off with her mittened hands. Now she focused on solving her problem any way she could. Mary knew Beth might not have the answer she sought, but there was no one else that she could talk to about it. Damian had already abandoned her. Would her best friend do the same? It was an outcome that she hadn't foreseen, but the long walk into the sharp wind was causing doubt to flood into her thoughts. Time passed slowly as she made her way through the first large field. Mary paused for a moment, looking out over the vast, frozen land. It looked exactly how she felt at that moment—cold, empty, and alone. The only difference was that the land wasn’t useless, as she felt she was.
As she continued onward, memories of her relationship with Damian replayed in her mind, each as a haunting reminder of what she had just lost. Mary could not understand why Damian walked out on her and their unborn child, but she was sure it was her fault, and now her baby was going to suffer because of it.
Mary soon arrived at a crossroads where a small wooden sign stuck out from the ground at its center. She stopped and looked at each of the names and then headed off in the familiar direction of Spring Road, where her friend’s house was located. She was nearly there, which gave her reason to continue, but the longer she walked the colder the wind felt when it smacked across her face.
With each step she took, Mary could feel the last of her confidence stripping away. Beth would be there to comfort her and tell her that everything would be okay, but in her heart, she knew such a thing would never be the case. No man would ever want to marry her knowing she'd been the cause of her husband’s death, and what kind of man would be willing to raise a child who wasn’t his? Sure, it happened, but it was rare. Mostly it was women who married widowers, and rarely the other way around.
The sun was higher in the sky by the time she reached Beth’s house, but it did nothing to ease the chill. As she climbed the steps, her heart pounded louder and louder.
Mary paused, almost tempted to turn back around before alerting anyone to her presence. It was a shameful thing that she had done, but now there was no changing it. She had to confess to someone that she’d been the cause of Damian’s death. Beth might have the answer about the child, but, no, she couldn’t actually tell anyone that she had been the cause of his death. If she hadn’t gone to fetch him back and pulled on him, he might be alive today. Besides her guilt over Damian, she was not going to be a good mother, and she knew it. Her own mother had suffered with a mental illness and now she feared she was going the same way.
All Mary could hope was to be able to give her child the best life possible, without ruining her own. She pulled off a mitten, extended her hand toward the wooden door and knocked, her palms beading with sweat as anxiety overwhelmed her.
Moments later, the door swung open to reveal the shocked face of her friend. Beth looked over Mary’s shoulder apparently trying to find out how she’d gotten there. “You walked here?”
Mary nodded.
“What on earth are you doing walking here in this weather? Is everything okay?” Beth asked as she grabbed Mary by the arm and drew her inside.
Once Beth had taken Mary’s over-bonnet and coat from her, Mary said, “I don’t think I’m okay, and that’s why I need to talk to you.” Mary had trouble looking her friend in the eye. “I was responsible for his death.”
Beth frowned. “Let’s get you some hot tea and then we can discuss what happened. Remember that everything is in Gott's hands.”
Mary nodded and then followed Beth to the kitchen. “Denke, for being such a good friend.”
“It’s okay, you know you can always come to me,” Beth said, placing some tealeaves into a boiling pot. She gave them a quick stir and then turned off the gas.
Feeling ashamed, Mary looked down. "I can’t keep the child. What can I do? I’ll never be able to raise a child without a man, and what man would ever wed a woman who already has one?”
“I know this is scary, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. Everything will be okay,” Beth said as she placed two teacups and the other tea things onto a wooden tray. When she had lifted the tray with both hands, she said, “Come, we’ll discuss this more in the living room.”
While Mary followed her into the living room, she realized how painful it would’ve been for Beth to hear about someone getting pregnant so fast when she had been trying to have a child for years.
Mary sat opposite her best friend. Several samplers with bible verses hung on the walls. Mary knew William's family members had sewed them. Mary could imagine what the people who sewed them would’ve thought of her and what by causing her husband’s death. She felt the tears threatening to come back. She fought them off with all her inner strength.
Mary cleared her throat, and said to Beth, “I knew you’d say everything would work out, but I don’t see how this could possibly be okay. I can’t raise a baby on my own. My aunt and uncle can barely afford to let me stay there. How could I spring such a thing like this on them?”
Beth smiled and passed Mary a cup of tea. “Well,” Beth began, sipping from her teacup, “there has to be some solution that we can come up with.”
“What about this baby’s life?” Mary put her teacup on a table and then held her stomach as tears flowed down her cheeks once more.
“Mary, I know I always say that it will be okay, but have I ever been wrong?” Beth asked, tilting her head and staring at her. “Let me help you fix this. It doesn’t have to be such a horrible thing.”
“I don’t remember. I’m sorry, and I know you just want to help, but this is grating on my last nerve. I don’t know how or if I’ll be able to continue unless something good finds its way to me in a hurry.” When she had finished speaking, Mary lifted the teacup to her lips and sipped from it. When she pulled it away, Beth was staring at her with raised eyebrows.
“You’re not going to give up. Not as long as I can help. We’ll find a way to give your baby the life he or she deserves. I’ll make sure of it.”
Mary swallowed hard, shaking her head as the tears continued to trickle slowly down her face. “I can’t believe that I made such a horrible mess of things by marrying Damian.”
Beth placed her teacup down. “You weren’t alone in your mistake, but we all make mistakes. I guess this is one you can’t ignore, but this isn’t one
that you can’t come back from,” Beth replied, scratching her forehead briefly. “I have an idea, though. Why don’t you find another man to marry?”
Mary let out a long, drawn-out sigh as she looked down at her half-empty cup of tea. “I’m not a good fraa. Damian let me know that more than once. What man would want me?” she asked while her chest tightened. “I might have made some poor choices in my life, but I won’t continue to make them. I know I’m not in my right mind. You know about my mudder?”
Beth nodded.
“I won’t marry again. There has to be another way.”
Beth shook her head. “What other options are there? You said yourself that you can’t raise a child on your own, right? And if you aren’t willing to marry, then what else is there? You can’t be considering leaving the infant somewhere ... Oh, Mary, are you?”
Mary looked down and wiped the tears away. “I … I don’t really know what I’m considering. I just know that this is killing me, and I’m more afraid now than I’ve ever been before. I need a miracle to help me out of this—or I need someone to take my baby, someone who can raise the child better than I could.” Mary glanced up at Beth hoping she would offer to take the baby.
Chapter 4
It was late in the day, and Mary and Beth were still talking about what to do about Mary’s situation. Mary stood there, blinking back tears while Beth paced back and forth frantically.
“You can’t just give your child away,” Beth said. “There has to be something we can do.”
“And what might that be? I have no other ideas.” Mary shook her head as her skin warmed with frustration. “I just don’t see any other way than giving my baby to someone else. Every child deserves proper parents.”
Just then, Beth stopped, and then she turned back to her friend. “William and I will help you. We’ll support you financially and you and the boppli can even move in with us.”
“That would be an odd arrangement. My childhood was strange with just my mother, and then I was passed along from place to place until coming here to my grandmother, and then she died. I can’t do that to a child. I want my boppli to have the normal life I never had. I’d give anything to see that happen. It was awful just having one parent when everyone else in the community had two. I was always different. Being different all my life has caused me so many problems and I can’t let that problem extend to the next generation.” Mary looked down at her feet. Since Beth hadn’t offered, she’d have to ask the question. “Would you and William consider taking my child and raising him as your own?”
Beth looked at her carefully and seemed to search for the right words to use. After a brief pause, her shaky voice broke the silence. “It wouldn’t have to be like that.”
“I know, but it usually is, and my baby deserves the best, even if I can’t give that to him or her myself.” Mary walked toward the couch and slouched down onto it before looking back up at Beth. “But maybe you can. Do you think that William would agree? That’s how it could work.”
Beth’s eyes grew larger as her mouth fell wide open. “Well,” she said, stuttering as she spoke. “We … we have been trying to start a family for a long time, but I just haven’t been blessed to give William the one thing he so desperately wants. But I couldn’t let you do that. My entire reasoning this morning has been about getting you to keep your child, not taking the child from you.”
Mary flashed a sincere smile though it pained her heart to make such a decision so quickly; she knew that it needed to be done. “Well, I just don’t think that me keeping the baby would be what’s best for all the reasons I’ve said. There’s no one else in this world I would rather have raise my child than you and William. I know you’d be such good parents.”
For a few moments, Beth sat in silence, seemingly lost in a world of deep thought. When she looked up, her face was softer. “I don’t know what to say, Mary, but if you’re sure about it then this might work out for the best after all,” she said, her voice sounding fragile. She cleared her throat. “How will the boppli feel when he gets older knowing you allowed someone else to raise him?”
“It would have to remain a secret. A secret adoption. And, if William agrees, it’ll be just the three of us who’d ever know. Forever. It must remain a secret forever.”
“It’s something to think about. I don’t know what William would say. We’d have to make everyone think the baby is mine and William’s, but only if you’re sure.”
Mary spoke softly, carefully accentuating each word as she did so. “The first thing we should do is make sure William’s okay with the plan. If so, we can act normally until my stomach begins to grow. From that point on, we’ll have to go away somewhere together until I give birth. Then, we will return with your baby, and no one will be any the wiser.”
Beth’s happiness quickly faded as she wiped away the beads of sweat that appeared on her forehead. “Are you sure you want to do this? There’ll be no going back after the birth. Everyone would consider the baby’s ours, not yours. Can you live with that?”
“I do know that I can’t accept not seeing my baby grow up at all. I think this is how it’s meant to be. We should let this be good news, and that’s something I wasn’t able to do before now,” Mary said feeling the first sense of peace in days. Maybe this was why God hadn’t blessed Beth and William with children up until now, so they could take her baby and make the child their own.
“We’ll have to see what William says, and if he agrees, I’ll never be able to repay a debt such as this.”
“You’ll owe me nothing other than that you both take care of your baby. The child will no longer be mine.” She hardened her heart in readiness to watch her best friend raise her baby.
“Well, if that becomes reality, then you have my word; but perhaps you should give things a lot of thought over the next few months. It’s still only early days and you’re still overwhelmed with Damian’s sudden death.”
At first, Mary felt as though Beth was trying to talk her out of the idea, but then she knew that wasn’t the case. Her friend was presenting the facts logically. “I’ll think it over carefully. I doubt I’ll change my mind. The decision over my child’s welfare must be made with my head and not my heart.”
Beth seemed reluctant, but after several seconds of awkward silence, she smiled and nodded. “That seems fair enough.”
Right then, Mary jumped as she heard the front door swing open furiously, creating a thundering crash as it rebounded closed.
As Mary turned to look at who had barged in so noisily, her heart sank. It was Beth’s arrogant older brother, Samuel.
Samuel was overprotective of his sister since they only had each other. Their parents had died some years ago, and they had no relatives close by. Beth and Samuel were so different from one another that Mary wondered how it was even possible that they were related. Mary didn’t care to know too much about him, but what she did know was that he only cared about a handful of people, and those not in that category were looked down upon. In all her years of being friends with Beth, Mary and Samuel had only spoken once or twice, when there was a concern about the house she and Damian had rented from him and when he had hired her to clean rental houses for him.
Samuel walked toward Beth while he looked at Mary down his straight nose. When he reached his sister, he leaned over and kissed her forehead, whispering as he did so, “I don’t know how you can live in this small place. Are you and William sure my offer isn’t of any interest?”
Beth bounded to her feet and shook her head. “Samuel, you know how he feels about his work. It’s what his vadder raised him to do, and he doesn’t take kindly to your attempts at forcing him to change.”
“Oh, come on. I understand it’s the family business or what not, but the man needs to provide for you better than he has been.” He threw up his arms as his eyes darted around the home. “This place looks like it’ll be falling apart in no time, and I won’t be very happy if his negligence causes you harm.”
> Mary sat in silence thoroughly disgusted by the way he was speaking to Beth. She wanted to speak up and say something, but she was in no frame of mind to have his attention directed at her. She would do nothing to pull his ire and attention toward her. One angry man in her life had been enough.
“William does all he can to maintain the house and provide for me, and he does better than I could ever ask. He enjoys being out in the fields, working with his hands. He has no desire to throw working on the land away for a few extra dollars.”
“You act like my job is of no importance. I don’t sit around doing nothing, you know. I understand William values what he does. I’m just saying he could make your lives better if he took me up on my job offer. He would be helping me organize shipments of the goods that are traded and sold nationally; he doesn’t need to work outdoors digging in the dirt. I’m not going to force it on either of you, but if he cared enough about you, then surely the choice wouldn’t be so difficult.”
Mary watched carefully, amazed at how cold Samuel was and how he was belittling William. Samuel’s heart might be in the right place, looking out for his family, but the way he was speaking was unacceptable by any standard. Mary found herself a little mesmerized by how handsome he was. It was a shame he was always so rude and unfriendly.
“He does care about me, Samuel. We’ve talked about this before; William has come a long way, and his work might not be as well paid as yours, but it keeps food on our table. I could mention it again in passing to him, but I know he won’t change his mind. Regardless, there’s a more important matter I need to discuss with him right now.” Beth walked off toward the kitchen.
“And what exactly is that?” Samuel asked, following her out of the room.
Mary sat there in the family room by herself, hoping to overhear any further discussion that the pair might have. As she listened carefully, however, all she heard was Beth’s adamant refusal to elaborate on the matter. “You’ll find out when the time is right, just like everyone else. But for now, there’s a lot I need to think about.”
The Amish Woman And Her Secret Baby: Amish Women of Pleasant Valley Page 2