‘I think I want to keep it,’ she said, and once she’d started the words didn’t seem to want to stop. ‘I think that’s what my gut reaction is. I’ll be forty next year. I’m not in a relationship. There’s no one on the horizon. Maybe this is my one chance to have a child and if I don’t have one now I think I’d regret it. But the father is going back home to the other side of the world, I don’t have a job and I’m living in a shed that could be washed off the sea wall in the next big storm.’
Cathy let out a breath tinged with a wisp of laughter. ‘Okay.’
Anna took a breath, frowning to herself. ‘I don’t – I don’t know where all that came from. I can’t keep it. It’s a ridiculous idea. There are so many reasons why—’
‘Hey,’ her friend interrupted. ‘If everyone thought about the decision to have children logically, there would be barely any babies born at all and they’d all come out with silver spoons in their mouths. Having a child is always difficult, and if you didn’t want it, that would be fine too. But if you want it, then everything else is a problem that can be solved.’
‘That easy?’
‘I never said it would be easy. In fact, I think you can probably bet it’ll be anything but that. But women in worse positions than you have had babies and the world hasn’t ended.’
Anna leaned forward and put her head to her knees. ‘Oh, God. This is insane. What was I thinking?’
‘I’m guessing that in the moment there wasn’t really that much thinking involved…’
‘If I keep it, I’m going to have to tell Liam. How on earth do I do that? “Hi, I know we said that the thing between us was casual, nothing more than a bit of fun, and we’ve both already moved on and I also know you’re about to go home and this is going to be a massive bombshell, but just so you know, you’re going to be a father.” Oh, God. It’s going to be awful.’
‘Well,’ Cathy said, ‘playing devil’s advocate here: he’ll be gone very soon. You probably won’t even be showing much by then, and if he’s never coming back…’
‘That would be a terrible thing to do.’
‘Probably. On the other hand, he might think ignorance is bliss. This needs to be your decision, Anna. If you went to him and told him you wanted it and he said he didn’t – or vice versa, for that matter – I know you, you’d put what he wants first because Geoff has spent decades convincing you that’s how a relationship works. And it can’t, not in this. You’ll be the one living with the results of the decision. Either way, he’ll be on the other side of the planet doing exactly what he always planned to do.’
Anna groaned. ‘I need to think. I need to live with the idea of actually having a baby for a day or two. See how that changes things.’
‘All right, you do that. Call me any time you want to talk, all right? And remember, there is no wrong decision unless it goes against what you want. Steve and I will be here to support you whatever you decide. Okay?’
Anna let out a long breath. ‘Thanks.’
‘Chin up, chick,’ Cathy said, putting on an absurd Northern accent. ‘You’ll be reet.’
Anna laughed. ‘I miss you.’
‘I miss you, too. Thanks for telling me. And listen – whatever happens, everything’s going to be all right. Okay?’
They talked for a while longer, Anna detailing the events of both lunch clubs, but it was clear that the subject looming largest between them needed some air to breathe. As, Anna decided, did she.
‘The wind’s really up here today,’ she told Cathy. ‘I think I’ll go out for a walk. Blow out the cobwebs, let in some air.’
They said their goodbyes and Anna suited up for a chilly walk on the cliff, adding a waterproof jacket over her fleece and jeans. She was locking the door of the Fishergirl’s Luck when a voice soared to her over the wind whipping along the sea wall.
‘Looks as if we’re in the nick of time!’
She turned to see the two Roberts MacKenzie coming towards her from the pier, grins on their faces, hair blown into an unruly muss by the wind. Both were in their yellow jackets.
‘We’re going on dolphin patrol!’ Young Robbie yelled. ‘You’ll come too, won’t you?’
For a moment Anna forgot the secret she carried, forgot how it would change everything and everyone around her once it was known. The sight of them: their simple enthusiasm, the way the wind had rubbed their cheeks red – made her smile and laugh as if this was any other Sunday afternoon.
‘It’s only us today,’ Old Robbie added as he came to a standstill in front of her, eyes crinkling in a smile that rarely seemed to go away. ‘Fraser and Jamie have taken Emma out for afternoon tea in Inverness. It’s her birthday.’
‘Oh! I wish I’d known, I’d have got her something,’ Anna said. ‘I’ll have to make a note for next year so I don’t forget.’
Robert MacKenzie’s smile became deeper, warmer. ‘Well, that’s a relief,’ he said.
‘What is?’
‘That you’re planning to be here next year.’
Anna blinked. She hadn’t even noticed her slip.
‘It wasn’t so many weeks ago that you said you weren’t sure you’d stay, or even come back.’ Robert nudged his son’s arm and Anna realized that Young Robbie had grown even in the short time that she’d known him. ‘We must be doing something right, lad.’
Young Robbie beamed a smile and pushed his glasses up his nose. ‘You should learn to sail,’ he said, ‘and get a boat! Then you can be a proper part of dolphin patrol.’
‘Ach, she’s a proper part anyway,’ Robert mock-scolded. ‘She’s coming out with us in this bluster instead of tucking herself away for a Sunday on the sofa, isn’t she?’
Anna watched them both and felt a strange pang, a vague longing that knew no place to settle except on her heart. Something must have shown on her face because when Robert looked at her his smile faded.
‘Hey – it’s fine if you don’t want to come,’ he said.
‘No,’ Anna said quickly, ‘it’s not that. I’d love to come. Let’s go, before it decides to rain.’
He still looked doubtful as they followed the boy towards the boat bobbing on the waves in Crovie’s tiny harbour.
‘Sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘Robbie can be a tad overwhelming, I know, and I don’t do anything to discourage him. Maybe I should.’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Anna said. ‘He’s a wonderful boy. You’re a wonderful father. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know that I could.’
‘You could,’ he told her, his voice still quiet. ‘I have a feeling you could do anything you set your mind to. And you’d be a great mum. Look how the boy loves you already.’
Anna said nothing as he helped her down onto the boat. She pretended that it was the wind bringing tears to her eyes as they cleared Crovie and cut out through the North Sea waves.
Twenty-Two
‘We’ve got you to thank for a booking, you know,’ Pat said, as she put a mug of tea down in front of Anna a couple of days later.
Anna looked up at her. ‘What do you mean?’
‘A woman called and asked how close we were to the Fishergirl’s Luck, as she and her partner had read that it was the best new place to eat on the coast and they wanted to have a good chance of getting a seat.’
‘Really?’
‘Really!’ Pat joined her at the kitchen table with a plate of biscuits. ‘She didn’t sound local, either.’
‘Neither do we…’
Pat laughed. ‘True. Still, that’s good, eh? You’ve caught the attention of the foodies.’
‘But how? I haven’t even done ten lunches.’
‘Hmm. Never underestimate the power of the Internet,’ Pat said. ‘Have you looked to see if you’ve had more reviews? I bet there are some after the last two you did. And it wouldn’t take much to make you stand out in this area – there’s not a lot of choice, is there?’
Anna stared into her tea. ‘I suppose that means I’d better carry on then. For a while, at
least.’
‘Are you all right, love?’ Pat asked, watching her carefully. ‘You’ve seemed a bit preoccupied lately. We’ve hardly seen you. I know the thing with Liam is off – has that dragged you down a bit?’
Anna smiled. ‘Maybe a little. I’m fine, though, really. I’m sorry I’ve not been around. Tell you what, why don’t we get the Usual Suspects together at the weekend? Have a good catch-up.’
‘Sounds like a fine idea.’ Pat looked at Anna over her mug as she took a mouthful of tea, and then said, ‘I saw you heading out with the MacKenzie boys on Sunday.’
Anna laughed. ‘Oh yes. It seems I’ve become an unwitting honorary member of dolphin patrol. Young Robbie is so enthusiastic, it’s hard not to get carried away too. And Robert’s easy company.’
Pat smiled. ‘It’s nice to see you getting along. All of you.’
‘Ahh, Pat,’ Anna warned. ‘Don’t.’
Her friend held up a hand. ‘I’m not stirring. Really I’m not. But honestly, you looked so good, the three of you, laughing and chatting as you went along. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Old Robbie smile so much. The two of you obviously get on. And now Liam’s no longer on the scene… it seems to me…’
Anna reached out and put a hand over Pat’s. ‘I know you mean well. But please, stop. Nothing’s going to happen between Robert MacKenzie and me. We’re friends, that’s all. Neither of us is looking for anything else, and it’d be great if you could let anyone you hear talking about it know that. You wouldn’t want what we do have spoiled by gossip, would you?’
Pat sighed. ‘Of course not. It seems a pity, that’s all.’
Anna ignored the very tiny pang in her heart that agreed. It was still a ridiculous notion for all the reasons she had put to Rhona weeks ago, not to mention the even bigger new reason that she’d spent most – all – of her time thinking about since she’d first spoken to Cathy. They’d been on and off the phone frequently since.
Anna thought that really, she had probably already decided before she’d even told Cathy. She was going to have a baby. A baby. It was absurd, surreal, terrifying and wonderful. The fact that she found herself thinking the latter more than the former had convinced Anna that not keeping it wasn’t an option she’d be able to live with. So there it was. However difficult it was, she was going to have a baby. A child, that would eventually turn into a delicious, exhausting, noisy whirlwind of activity like Young Robbie MacKenzie. Right now she didn’t even know where she’d be living when the baby arrived, but it was decided: Anna Campbell was going to bring a new person into the world. Absurd. Surreal. Terrifying. Wonderful.
How long should I carry on with the lunches? she wondered. If I serve shellfish, I’ll have to get someone else to taste it. Besides, I need somewhere proper to live, and I’m not made of money. I’m going to need an actual job that can support me and a child. Maybe it’d be better to stop now, put all my energy into that. Except that then I’d be disappointing this crazy woman who’s coming from God knows where to eat at Liam’s bench and paying Pat and Frank so she can…
‘Penny for them?’ Pat asked, pushing the plate of biscuits across the table.
‘Oh,’ Anna said, taking one. ‘Just wondering about menus for next week.’
Pat beamed. ‘That’s my girl. This guest of ours won’t be the last, I bet. The Fishergirl’s Luck is going to put Crovie on the foodie map, I know it.’
Anna laughed. ‘I doubt that very much. Not with twelve covers at most a week and no guarantee of getting a table.’
‘Ahh, but people love that, don’t they?’ Pat said. ‘Exclusivity, that kind of thing.’
* * *
The next big conundrum that Anna had to solve was when and how to tell Liam. A big part of her felt as if she wanted to live with the idea on her own for a while longer, to keep the secret just hers. Cathy knew, of course, but she’d tell no one, and besides, she was so far away from the bubble of life inside the bay that it didn’t even seem to count.
The problem was that keeping any secret in Crovie was almost impossible, and Anna was worried that someone would work out the truth. If that happened, it’d be everywhere before she’d even had time to take a breath, and the thought of Liam finding out he was to be a father from someone else was awful. She did her best to keep everything entirely normal, but then came a sunny Tuesday afternoon and a call from Rhona.
‘I’m coming over with gin, all right?’ Rhona declared. ‘I’ve had a hell of a day. Be there in twenty.’
‘I’ll get the glasses out,’ Anna said, and her friend had rung off before it had occurred to her that she couldn’t drink, and that there was no bigger giveaway. She phoned Cathy in a panic.
‘Antibiotics,’ Cathy told her. ‘You can’t drink if you’re taking them. Invent something invisible and innocuous. Ear infection, that always works.’
‘You’re good at this,’ Anna observed.
‘Blame a lifetime of avoiding getting utterly hammered at corporate events with creepy old white men with a black girl fantasy,’ Cathy said. ‘By the way, I’ve done a new poster for the Fishergirl’s Luck. It reflects the one hundred per cent five-star ratings you’ve got on TripAdvisor, you clever thing. I’ll send it over.’
Cathy’s subterfuge worked. Rhona betrayed only momentary disappointment at Anna’s enforced sobriety, and absolutely no suspicion.
‘All the more for me,’ she quipped, as Anna nursed a lime cordial while Rhona splashed an overly generous measure of Hendricks into her tall glass.
It was not long after five o’clock and the sun was still high, a light breeze curling through the village as it so often did at this time of day. Rhona had arrived looking harried.
‘What’s happened?’ Anna asked, as they sat at the bench, a bowl of crisps and some artichoke dip between them. ‘You look done in.’
Rhona took a large gulp of her drink, holding up one finger in a ‘bear-with’ gesture. Then she put down her glass and blew out a breath.
‘Bloody bank,’ she growled. ‘Bloody economy, bloody men, bloody money. When I started up I took out a loan for the kiln and I’m struggling to keep up with the payments. When I agreed the terms, I thought I’d be fine. Stuart and I – my ex – had this house in Aberdeen that we’d bought as a development property. After the divorce we agreed that he’d go ahead and do the renovations as planned and then sell it, after which we’d split the proceeds because although it’d be him doing all the work, the initial investment was all mine. But he’s only now finished the renovations – it’s taken him years – and he’s arguing that because he paid for all of them, and because the housing market has dropped off and it’ll be hard to sell, I’m not due anything from the sale.’
‘What?’ said Anna. ‘But surely he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.’
Rhona finished her drink and immediately poured another. ‘Probably not, but I don’t have money for a lawyer. It seems that he – or his new wife, more likely – does.’ She groaned. ‘I think I’m going to have to cut my losses. But business hasn’t been great. I’ve been scraping by, and with the loan to pay every month…’ Rhona shook her head. ‘I’m worried I’m going to lose it all. I can’t do that, Anna, I can’t. I’ve already started over from nothing once, I’m too old to do it again.’
Anna put her hand over Rhona’s and squeezed her fingers. ‘It won’t come to that. I won’t let it. Your pieces are so beautiful, Rhona, all they need is to find their place and they’ll take off, I know it.’
Rhona gave her a watery smile. ‘Aye, hen. Take over the pub, use all my crockery, get famous and start a chain,’ she said. ‘That’ll solve all my problems!’
Anna looked out over the bay, thinking. ‘Top-flight restaurants aren’t a bad idea for a market, you know. Maybe I can help there.’
Rhona looked hopeful. ‘You think Geoff Rowcliffe might be interested?’
Something in Anna shuddered at the idea of having to be in touch with her ex, especially at the moment. How he’d cr
ow if he knew. She could imagine exactly how he’d react: she’d run off to the back of beyond and got knocked up straight away like the stupid woman she had always been.
‘Let me see what I can do,’ she said. ‘It’s worth a phone call or two, at least, isn’t it?’
Rhona gripped her hand hard. ‘Thank you. Thank you so much. We’re so lucky to have you here, Anna.’
Anna looked down at her drink. ‘People keep saying that.’
‘That’s because it’s true! Look at what you’ve achieved already!’
Anna laughed. ‘You mean successfully serving lunch to a handful of people a couple of times a week?’
Rhona shook her head. ‘I think you’re going to find yourself in demand for far more than a couple of times a week from now on, hen.’
‘What do you mean?’
Rhona pulled a piece of paper from her pocket. She handed it to Anna, who unfolded it to find a clipping from the Banffshire Journal. THE HOTTEST NEW EATERY ON THE COAST, screamed the headline. ‘Michelin-starred chef launches lunch club venture in Crovie,’ it went on, followed by a couple of paragraphs of almost-accurate information and a stock photograph of the village, with the Fishergirl’s Luck, as always, in the foreground.
Anna felt suddenly faint. ‘Oh God.’
‘Are you all right?’ Rhona said.
Anna put one hand over her eyes. ‘Yes… a bit overwhelmed, that’s all.’
‘Oh, bless you,’ said her friend, squeezing her shoulder. ‘You should be proud of yourself. The village is certainly proud of you – Gamrie is, too. It’s not often we’ve got something to crow about that the bigger places haven’t. You can bet that this clipping will be in every holiday home welcome pack for fifty miles! Which is why I think you’re going to find yourself pretty busy. I don’t think you’d find it difficult to fill the bench every day of the week from now on, if you wanted to.’
‘But I don’t take bookings, and to get to us people have to walk down the cliff,’ Anna pointed out. ‘Who’s going to risk coming along on the off chance when there are only six seats?’
The House Beneath the Cliffs Page 16