by Brian James
In the darkness I can only hear quiet and I begin to hate myself all over again. “It’s probably just a raccoon or a squirrel,” I whisper out loud, hoping it will make it feel more convincing. Then I repeat it. I tell it to myself enough times until I feel brave enough to walk over to the window and press my face to the cold glass.
Nothing stares back at me except the moon and the stars.
Nothing out there but the creatures in my imagination.
I decide to go to bed before I have time to dream up anything else to frighten me. But as I step into my room, I catch the tail end of headlights traveling across the ceiling in a purple and blue pattern filtered through the dream catcher hanging in the window. Only the red brake lights turning off my street are still visible by the time I look out.
“I’m not crazy. Someone was here,” finding the sound of my own voice soothing. Someone was watching. But I’m not stupid enough to kid myself into thinking it was anything different than when we lived in Pittsfield or Burbank. They left when they saw me because they weren’t looking for me.
They never are.
I should’ve known all along. There’s no ghost story in all of this. This is all about my dad. It’s always the same story once we’re found out. People we owe money to always coming by at strange hours demanding this or that.
They’ll keep coming back until they find him at home. They’re never dangerous. Not usually, anyway. Still it pisses me off. As if I didn’t have enough problems, now I have to deal with this. I wrap my arms around my pillow and let myself fall on the bed.
Next time my dad calls, I’m going to stay mad at him no matter how lonely he sounds!
TEN
Lukas comes by my house in the morning before school. I’m in the middle of wasting time with the usual routine of making little trips back and forth from the bathroom to the television while getting ready when he rings the doorbell. He asks if I want to stop at the diner and get breakfast. The options in my pantry aren’t exactly appetizing, but the amount of money I have isn’t exactly the kind that will last long if I make trips to the diner, either.
“I don’t know,” I say in a way that lets him know he could still convince me. Ready to wiggle out of my slippers and into my shoes if he says the right thing to help me change my mind.
“My treat,” he says and those are the magic words.
“Give me one second,” I shout, leaving him at the door.
I grab my stuff, kill the TV, slip on my shoes, throw on a coat, and meet him outside. On the way there, I decide not to tell him anything about yesterday. Especially about Diana. I know what he’ll say and I’m not in the mood for all that gore this early in the morning. I just want some pancakes and coffee and to talk about normal things.
I made my mind up last night when I was lying in bed with my eyes open, no more talk about conspiracies or ghouls. I have real problems to deal with, I don’t need to add made-up ones to go along with them. I have a dad who drives halfway across the country, leaving me to deal with the creeps we owe money to. I’m attending a school where the most I can hope to achieve is total outsider status. I have a friend who may or may not have vanished under mysterious circumstances and a sheriff who thinks I’m a troublemaker. The way I figure it, that’s enough.
The brick buildings on Main Street catch the dawn’s light coming over the mountains. They borrow the color of the sunrise but still somehow manage to look run-down. The painted store signs are chipped and flaking. The foundations are all cracked and sinking. Even the diner’s metallic silver finish looks less like a star in the sunlight and more like a relic rusting with age.
“This town really sucks,” I say as if finally realizing what I’ve sensed all along.
“Yep,” is all Lukas says as he holds the door open for me.
I lead the way to the nearest empty booth, slide into the seat, and he slips into the one opposite me until we’re both up against the window. The waitress comes by right away asking what we want. She scribbles down our order and disappears in the clatter of dishes and the low rumble of conversations happening all around.
Lukas and I spend time talking about our geometry teacher and take turns impersonating the frog face he makes when he talks. Lukas is good at it. He’s able to make his ears wiggle the same way our teacher does and I start laughing. But my mood quickly changes as Lukas’s face returns to normal and he turns his attention to the diner’s entrance.
“Don’t look now, but your best friends are here.”
I hold up my spoon and see the reflection of four blond figures stretched like taffy, the way people look in a funhouse mirror. They slowly shrink to normal size and proportions as they head toward our table. Heading for me and I hide my face with my hand, hoping they’ll pass by without noticing.
No such luck.
The sound of their shoes stops inches away.
I turn my head and see Maggie Turner standing there as the other girls with her giggle and keep walking, taking a table on the far side of the diner. Maggie has her hands in the pockets of a long sweater coat that matches perfectly with the knitted hat outlining her face with soft fur the color of snow like her skin. Smooth as porcelain and strawberry lips like a favorite doll. “Hi, Hannah,” she says with the kind of smile that makes boys fall in love with her at first sight.
I feel myself sink into the booth, feeling suddenly smaller with her standing over me. Feeling more self-conscious and inadequate. Feeling like this is some kind of trap, too, so I don’t say anything. I simply grin, making sure I keep my mouth closed and slightly unfriendly.
Maggie makes the same face back at me. Only on her it means something altogether different. It has nothing to do with being shy like with me. When Maggie makes that face, it’s like a mother who feels bad about the way her kids have treated me. It’s like an apology without having to say it.
“I don’t want to interrupt you,” she says, glancing at Lukas, who refuses to wipe away the hatred glaring from his eyes, fierce and ready to protect my honor in the face of female treachery.
“What do you want?” he snaps at her.
The pink skin around Maggie’s eyes grows irritated and mean. She stares him off before turning back to me. The glow of her skin switching back to something soft and kind. “I just wanted to let you know that Mrs. Donner was wrong yesterday. The rest of us talked . . . and well, we want you on the squad.”
My mouth drops open. I can feel the blood pulsing through the veins in my temples and it’s like the world stops spinning for a moment as everything falls into slow motion. So slow that I have a hard time understanding the words she’s saying. Then things begin to speed up again and I’m sure I heard her correctly, but I don’t believe it.
“Are you kidding or something?” I say.
Maggie laughs and shakes her head. “No, you were really good,” she says with the face of an angel that could never lie. “Sure you messed up a few times, but we could tell you have ability. And besides that, we think you’re obviously too cute not to be one of us,” she says, winking at me.
I refuse to let myself believe her, though, until she rests her hand on mine. An electric warmth rushes through her skin to mine and all the plans that I’d given up on begin to light up again like so many sparks in a fireplace.
“You’re serious?” I say, smiling for the first time.
Maggie smiles back, this time like a sister or a best friend, and it’s all the answer I need. I can feel Lukas staring at me and I ignore him. I won’t let him make me feel guilty for being excited. I won’t let him ruin the one good thing that’s happened to me in the last few weeks.
“All the girls are dying to congratulate you,” she says.
“Even Morgan?” I ask, remembering the way she acted in the locker room. “And Miranda?” I feel queasy as a flashback from the lunchroom plays out in my mind.
Maggie waves her hand in a gesture to let me know they’re not important. “Don’t worry about them, they’ll come around,” sh
e says.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.
“How about thanks?” Maggie says.
“Okay, thanks,” I say. I can’t hide how happy I am and I feel stupid sitting there with a smile that takes up my entire face. It seems to please Maggie, though, and she invites me to sit with them if I want. Making it clear that she means me and only me and so I tell her I can’t. “Next time,” I say and she makes me promise before leaving us alone.
The silence that follows is pretty much what I expect from Lukas. And him looking out the window instead of at me, that much I counted on, too. It won’t change my mind, though. I’m not going to pretend to hate all of them just because he wants me to. I’m sure most of them are fine if he’d give them a chance. Or at least I want to find out for myself. I hate when people prejudge me, so I’d be a hypocrite if I did it to them.
And though I don’t dare say any of this to Lukas, I don’t try to hide my excitement, either. I’m actually on the squad! I actually tried something and succeeded. It’s a rare accomplishment for me and I’m going to enjoy it.
“Don’t let me stop you from joining your real friends,” Lukas grumbles at the smile tattooed to my lips.
“That’s not fair,” I say.
“Yeah . . . well, maybe not,” he says as he slides out of the booth. He takes a five-dollar bill and two quarters from his jacket and drops them on the table. The quarters spin like tops before rattling to a stop, tails up. Then he rushes out and I’m left watching him from the window.
I don’t try to stop him.
I know he doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. Not right now, anyway. Hopefully by third period he’ll have calmed down enough that I can talk to him.
Maggie introduces the rest of the cheerleaders to me before homeroom. Motoring off a series of names that all sound alike because they all start with the same letter. I try my best to memorize them all, terrified that I’m going to call someone by the wrong name. I don’t want to do anything to mess this up. Don’t want to make any enemies on my first chance at being popular.
I feel like a puppy surrounded by children on a playground as the cheerleaders swarm around my locker. Getting attention from all sides and I don’t know where to turn or what to say. Maggie’s like the proud owner, showing me off and making sure everyone gets a turn to pet me. She stands next to me and makes sure I’m not smothered as each girl pushes closer to make me feel welcome.
Not every girl. A few keep their distance. Morgan and Miranda among them. Their sour faces are dead giveaways that if this was a vote, they were on the losing end. But they are far outnumbered by the rest of the girls who are drowning me with niceness and I realize that I’d blown everything out of proportion over the last week. There wasn’t a schoolwide conspiracy to sabotage me. It was only a handful of stuck-up snobs, and I let them get to me the way I always do.
Whatever.
It doesn’t matter now. Their insults don’t mean anything anymore because I’m being showered with compliments from everyone else. And I sort of take pleasure in Morgan’s and Miranda’s tragic expressions as they linger in the background, having failed to turn the world against me.
I hear Meredith telling everyone how she knew it from the first time she saw me. Some of the other girls are complimenting her. I’m her first recruit. I guess you need to be invited onto the squad, and if someone makes it, it’s just as big a deal for the person who recruited her as it is for the recruit. It also means she’s sort of responsible for making sure I know the rules. That’s okay with me. She’s probably who I would’ve picked if I had the choice, anyway.
I take in the voices swirling around me like the humming of birds. Trying to keep up with who is saying what but getting lost as the words spin around like a carousel, bouncing off the painted lockers, painted doors, and painted cinder blocks that line the halls.
“Where are you sitting at lunch? You’re going to sit with us, right?’
“Of course she is.”
“Isn’t that sweater great on her? It’s the perfect color.”
“It would look terrible on me.”
“Where else would she sit?”
“I have an outfit that would look amazing on you.”
“Make sure we save her a seat.”
“I’ll bring it in tomorrow. You can totally borrow it forever.”
Everyone is speaking at once and I don’t get the chance to answer any of them. I can only stand there as my eyes dart back and forth and grow dizzy.
“Okay! Leave her alone already,” Maggie shouts. She tells them there’ll be plenty of time to get to know me, but that she and I have to go see Mrs. Donner before homeroom. Then she leads me away as a last flurry of congratulations follow us.
I can instantly tell the difference between walking down the hall with Maggie and walking alone. People step out of the way, staring and whispering as they part like in a movie when royalty passes through the castle courtyard. I’ve never been popular enough to experience anything like it before. It’s a strange feeling, but one I’m certain I could get used to.
Maggie goes over the schedule for the rest of the week. I try to keep track, but quickly get lost. Too many times and places and dates for me to keep straight. Maggie tells me not to worry, that it’s all written down. She says Mrs. Donner will give me a paper that has it all printed up neatly.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Maggie says when we get closer to Mrs. Donner’s classroom. “My dad said you were really nice when he met you yesterday.”
She says it like I’m supposed to know what she’s talking about.
“Who’s your dad?” I ask.
“He’s the sheriff,” she says.
“That’s your dad?” My voice cracks in disbelief.
Maggie laughs. She’s obviously not used to the idea that anyone wouldn’t know that. I guess it’s something everyone in a town like this probably knows.
I don’t know why, but the news makes me laugh, too, as I replay the encounter in my head. It all makes more sense now. Maggie must have told him about me and that’s why he talked to me the way he did. That’s why he had the same electric-blue eyes as her. Somehow knowing that he’s Maggie’s dad makes him less creepy. I must have seemed crazy to him. He’s not after me or my dad. “You know, I was afraid of him,” I admit, laughing about it now that I realize how dumb it was of me.
Maggie smiles. “Yeah, he does that to people,” she says and I feel better already. Then I start wondering if she can clear up the last little mystery.
“So, do you know Diana, then, by any chance?” I ask.
“Mmmm-hmmm.” She nods. “She tried out like every year, but she wasn’t any good. I was actually glad when I heard she was moving. I won’t have to put up with her bugging me to get her a place on the squad anymore.”
I watch my feet and shake my head.
I could punch myself for losing sleep over any of this.
“I’m sorry, were you friends with her?” Maggie asks, suddenly realizing that I must have gone there for a reason. “I didn’t mean to talk bad about her.”
“No, that’s okay. I didn’t really know her that well,” I admit.
“Good. Then we can forget about her,” she says and I agree, happy to put the whole thing out of my mind once and for all. Ready to start all over again at Maplecrest as we enter Mrs. Donner’s room.
I watch him from across the table at lunch. He sits two tables over and his face goes in and out of view as people pass between us. I guess I was too distracted yesterday when he handed me my soda to notice how cute he is. This time I can tell, though. His hair parted in the middle and hanging just next to his eyes like the sad ears of a rabbit, so yellow and soft that I bet it would feel like a stuffed animal under my fingertips.
He doesn’t look tough the way jocks are supposed to. He looks softer. Younger. Almost like a little boy but stronger and with dangerous eyes that don’t scare me when he sees me looking at him.
I pretend to
look away but secretly keep staring at him.
I feel my hand tremble and my stomach flutter when he stares back. The color rushing to my cheeks and making them blush as I try not to smile but can’t stop myself. I fight the feeling to cover my mouth and only push my hair away and tuck it behind my ear instead.
I finally blink my eyes and let a smile slip.
I turn away only after his hand comes up and gives me a shy little wave.
“I think he likes you,” Meredith whispers in my ear. Her breath is warm and tickles, kept close to my skin by her hand cupped to hide her words from spies.
“Who is he?” I ask, making my lips move as little as possible as he keeps watching. Meredith tells me his name’s Greg. He’s a junior. She says he’s been on the football team since he was a freshman and that he’s the only one who’s never dated any of the other girls.
“I guess he’s finally found one he likes,” Maggie says, holding a carrot stick obscenely to illustrate how she imagines Greg to like me, and we all turn redder before laughing.
“Your other boyfriend’s not going to get jealous, is he?” Meredith asks, looking over at the other side of the cafeteria where Lukas is sitting by himself, scribbling furiously in a notebook.
I roll my eyes and sigh.
I didn’t think this was going to be so difficult. Being friends with both him and them. I mean, I figured they didn’t like him and all. I can deal with that. But I thought he would still be like my secret best friend. The person I turned to when I had something serious to talk about. I thought since he was an outsider, he’d be okay with that.
Pretty insensitive, I know.
But it doesn’t mean he has to treat me the way he has today. He won’t speak to me. Hasn’t since he stormed out of the diner and it’s like he wants to drive me away. Like he wants me to side with them just so he can be right.
I tried to talk to him in third period but he ignored me.