He nudges my shoulder back. I close my eyes, trying to pretend everything is okay. Josh jerks my shorts off. and he takes a deep breath. “Damn, you’re hot.”
Next thing I know, he’s on top of me. And I feel a sharp pain as he enters me. Over and over. In and out. His breath is hot on my neck, and I want to cry. It hurts. And all I can think about is him getting off me. His sloppy kisses cover my mouth and neck, then he shoves my shirt up to my chin and tries kissing my chest too.
He’s not gentle. He’s like an animal. And I want him off me. Tears prick at my eyes. “Josh,” I say his name.
“I know, baby. I feel good too. I’m almost there.”
“Josh, please, can we stop now.”
“Shh … just a second.”
“Josh, stop.” I try to shove him off. But he pins my arms down and keeps going. After a few minutes, he rolls off me, breathless. His bare chest glints with sweat. I can feel a rock poking me in the back through the t-shirt I’m laid out on. My legs tremble, and I’m sore all over. This didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. There was nothing enjoyable or romantic about it.
Josh tosses the used condom in the bushes, and he pulls his shorts back up. I hear voices coming down the path and hurry to get my clothes back in place. As I stand, I see the small blood stain on Josh’s t-shirt. He notices it too.
“Shit. My mom will probably see that.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Whatever, I’ll just throw it away when I get home. Maybe she won’t notice it. Or if she does I’ll tell her I got cut on something.” He chuckles as if it is all one big joke. “Maybe we can try to do this again before I leave.”
I nod but feel like I’m going to puke. Josh Kalper just took my virginity, and I hated every minute of it. More than anything I want to go home and take a shower. To change my clothes. Will my parents know I’d just had sex? My teeth catch my bottom lip, and I chew on it.
“Look, I gotta go. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” Josh gives me a quick kiss.
“I thought you were going to walk me to my house?” I say.
He shrugs. “I need to swing by Shawn’s place real quick. You’ll be fine; it’s not that far.”
“Oh.” But a part of me is relieved as I need a moment to come to terms with what just happened.
He pulls me against him and presses me tight to his chest. “I’ll text you later.”
Josh disappears, and I walk home by myself. When I get there, the house is quiet, and I immediately go and take a shower. I scrub at my skin, trying to wash away Josh’s scent, his touch, his everything. Am I supposed to feel like this? Tears burn my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away.
When I finish bathing, I put on a pair of jogging pants and a t-shirt and sit on my bed. My phone buzzes. It’s Josh. My face reddens when I see the dick-pic. Below it he’s written. “Bet you can’t wait for more.”
Actually, yes, I can. But I don’t type that. Instead, I just use a smiley face emoji.
The next day, when I get to school, Josh isn’t waiting for me at my locker like usual. So I grab my books for first hour and head toward class. Then I see Josh, in one of the alcoves with his buddies. I plan on walking by, but then I hear him talking.
“Yeah, I nailed Ellie in the park last night. Third virgin this year.”
My legs feel like lead weights beneath me.
“Are you going to bang her again?” Someone else asks.
He laughs. “Actually, I think I wasted enough time on her. Shit, it took me three months to get her to have sex. I’m not gonna wait another three for her to want to do it again. No, I heard Hilary Painter is single again. And she knows what she’s doing and won’t just lay there like a corpse.”
Suddenly, I can’t breathe. Josh is an asshole. A fucking no-good asshole. He’d used me. He got what he wanted, and now he’s done with me. Nausea washes over me, and I rush to the bathroom where I throw up the cornflakes I’d had this morning. By the end of the day, I will be the laughing stock of the school. Everyone will know, if they didn’t already, that Josh had taken my virginity. And now he’s going to break up with me. But I decide, I won’t give him that satisfaction.
I wipe the tears from my face and march back down the hall where Josh has a crowd hanging around him. Listening to all the gory details of my “deflowering”.
I look him in the eye and say, “We’re over Josh. You have a small dick and sex with you was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I hope you learn how to use that thing.” I point at his crotch and walk away.
Guys are whooping and slapping him on the arm. “Josh has a small dick,” they chant.
“Shut the fuck up,” he says to them. Then he yells down the hall. “Ellie you’re nothing but a slutty bitch. You couldn’t pay me to fuck you again.”
I don’t turn around and acknowledge him. Instead I head for the office to call my mom. I want to go home. But of course, she’s in court, so I’m stuck here for the rest of the day, listening to people whisper about Josh and me. The park. My virginity and every detail of what should’ve been a special moment for me.
When lunch arrives, I sit in the library and cry. Cry for what I gave up. Cry for what everyone is saying about me. That I’ll give it up for any guy. I cry because I didn’t want to be “that” girl. But I am. And there’s no going back.
As I stop writing, tears form in my eyes. I hate this memory. I hate Josh Kalper. He took something from me I can’t get back. And all so he could brag to his buddies. Looking back now, I know that Josh should’ve stopped when I’d told him to. That even though we were already doing it and I changed my mind, he should’ve listened. That no means no. But back then, I was so naïve and didn’t dare do anything to rock the boat or make things worse at school.
Ever since Josh, I’ve had a reputation. Not because I went around sleeping with guys, but because Josh said I’m a whore. Luckily, he graduated my sophomore year. But everything he did to me is engrained in my mind. The park. His hot, gross kisses. Every. Last. Thing.
“Ellie, belly, why are you crying?” PJ moves closer to me to look over my shoulder.
I slam my notebook shut, not wanting to give her any of my nightmares. She has enough of her own to contend with.
“It’s nothing. Really.”
“Don’t lie Ellie; sisters don’t lie remember. Let me read it.” She tugs on the paper.
“PJ, look it’s not a good idea.”
Before I can stop her, she has it in hand and flips to that page. Her eyes narrow as she reads it and she tears up too. She turns to me when she’s done, sets the notebook on the bed, then hugs me tight.
“I’ll never let anyone else hurt you again, Ellie. I promise.”
But PJ doesn’t know that this isn’t even the worst of my demons. And I don’t want her to meet or know about the other ones. Her dragon is nothing compared to mine. With a sigh, I pull away from her and grab my crayons. I’ve had enough negative thoughts for the day. Some places I can only remember and visit in small doses, so I don’t overwhelm myself and drown in memories I am happier to forget.
So instead, I focus on drawing PJ another animal.
Chapter Eight
Today is visitation day again. And I’m happy to see my parents aren’t amongst the visitors. According to Therapist Angel, they’re out of town for a family wedding or something. But I can’t remember anyone in our family even being engaged. So, I know it’s an excuse to stay away. Which should bother me, yet it doesn’t. There’s a lot less pressure when I don’t have to see my mom and dad. There’s no talk about Ivy League schools, grades, sports, law school applications, what kid I should be dating. I can focus on other things. Like playing checkers by myself.
My gaze moves over the room to see which patients have visitors. Rhett is sitting on a couch near the front windows with a man in a suit. The man looks preoccupied with his phone and Rhett’s furrowed brow indicates he’d probably rather be anywhere but there.
He glances at me, a
nd I wave. He points at the man and mouths the word “Dad”.
I cross my eyes at him and turn back to my checker game. Which I’m winning. Again.
“So we meet again,” a deep voice says from beside me.
“Ky, hey,” I say, watching as he sits across from me.
Already his warmth surrounds me. The glittering blue of his eyes, the smile that seems to brighten the whole room. I feel the shadows slip from me as if he’s a guardian angel battling with my demons.
“As promised, I have brought you cookies.” He hands me a baggie with two macadamia nut cookies.
“Oh. My. Gosh. Thank you,” I say. My cheeks warm as I take them from him. Our fingers touch again, kind of like the last time we were together. Sparks simmer, lighting my skin on fire. All I can feel are tingles running through my body like an electric current.
“So are you winning?” He glances at the board.
“Yeah. I’m on a roll today. I’ve already won two games.”
He chuckles. And the sound is a perfect melody to my ears. “Well, you’ll be happy to know that since our last meeting, I’ve watched Halloween.”
My eyes widen. “Seriously?” Then I groan. “Great, I’ve corrupted you. If your parents find out they probably won’t let you talk to me anymore.”
“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” He winks.
“What did you think about it?”
His face turns a bright shade of pink. “Um—I might’ve jumped a few times. I mean, it is kind of freaky.”
“Don’t worry; I’ll protect you.”
Ky resets the checkerboard. “What color do you want to be?”
“Black.” Like my soul, I want to say, but I don’t.
Once we have everything set, we begin to play. At first, I’m quiet, as I concentrate on my next moves. However, after a few minutes, I can’t resist the urge to talk with him. “What grade are you in?”
“I’m starting my senior year this year.”
“Hey, me too. Well, hopefully, I’ll be starting it. If I get out of here by this fall.” I gesture at the room around me. Although, I’m sure they’ll help with my schooling if I’m still here. “So, what do you want to do after you graduate?”
He frowns and peers down at his hands. “I’d like to be an archaeologist. But my parents want me to follow in my dad and grandpa’s footsteps and be a pastor.”
“But this idea doesn’t seem to make you happy,” I say. “You should do what you want to do with your life. If you want to be the next Indiana Jones, then go for it.”
“It’s complicated,” he answers. “I’ve already been accepted to seminary school.” He looks anything but thrilled as he says it. “And who the heck is Indiana Jones?” He quickly changes the subject.
I laugh. “You’re kidding, right?”
He gives me a blank look. “No.”
“Holy shit. Oops, sorry,” I say. Geesh, I need to watch my mouth in front of him. I doubt he’s ever been subjected to half the words that come out of my mouth. “I mean, you’re kidding, right?”
“Ah, no.” He watches me closely.
“Okay, your next mission is to rent Indiana Jones and watch it. There are a few movies in the series. It’s so good.”
“I’ll add it to my list. Are there any other ones I should get while I’m breaking the rules?” He grins then shifts his attention back to our game.
“Yes! You have to watch Night of the Living Dead. It’s a classic horror movie.”
“Will it scare me?”
“Er … Probably. So you might want a flashlight beside your bed.”
He laughs, and it makes tiny crinkles by his eyes. “Since I told you what I want to be when I grow up, it’s your turn. What do you want to do after high school?”
That’s the one thing I do know in my life. “I want to be an artist. But my parents are pushing me to do law school like they did, and like my siblings are doing now. So, I guess we’re kind of on the same sinking boat.”
A boat I need to jump off but am too scared to. However, if I am going to find my happy place, I have to find what makes me feel good, not what pleases everyone else. Even if it means disappointing my family.
A shadow falls over us, and I look up in time to see Michael standing behind Ky. He dumps his juice on him, then smirks at me. My fists clench. He’s doing this to get back at me for not letting him play checkers with me. Anger rushes through me. Michael is ruining the one positive thing I’ve been looking forward to all week. Ky.
“Michael. You asshole; you did it on purpose.” My chair falls back as I leap to my feet.
“I told you I wanted to play,” he says.
A couple of the orderlies see our commotion, and Nurse Ruthie hurries over too. “What happened here?” she asks.
“Michael dumped his drink on Ky. On purpose.”
“Michael,” Nurse Ruthie scolds. She turns to Ky. “We have an extra shirt if you’d like to change out of that one. I can have someone grab it for you.”
Ky stands, wiping at his wet clothing. “Sure.”
One of the orderlies hurries off and returns a moment later with an extra-large white T-shirt. Ky quickly takes off his damp button down and moves to tug the T-shirt over his head. My breath catches in my throat. He’s beautiful. The way his muscles contour as he moves his arms up over his head. The slight tan color to his skin. The tiny trail of dark hair that runs below his navel. I quickly look back up again.
“You really aren’t supposed to change out here,” Nurse Ruthie says.
And she’s right. There are several sex addicts in this facility, and one look at Ky and one of them could lose themselves. Much like I’m doing now.
I can’t look away from him. I want to paint him or draw him. My hands tingle with the urge to sculpt or create some sort of piece of art. I don’t understand this connection. Or the positivity he brings with him. But I can’t get enough of it.
Michael is led away, and we sit back down to finish our game. “Do you have to deal with this kind of stuff a lot?” He meets my eye.
“Sometimes. To be honest, that kid freaks me out. He’s so intense, almost obsessed. We have a few people like that in here. I just try to avoid the real crazies, you know.”
He nods his head. “You seem pretty happy. Are you going to be getting out soon?”
My teeth graze my lip. If he could’ve seen me the other day after I’d written about Josh, he wouldn’t have thought me happy. Besides happiness is a perception. A fraud. No one is ever truly really happy. There are just different stages of not being sad. But Ky can’t understand that.
“I’m doing good today.” Mostly because Ky is here. However, I don’t tell him this. “Not sure how long I have left in this place. My therapist has some more things she wants me to work on.”
“Not that I’m glad you’re in here, but I’m glad I’ve met you,” Ky says. “I don’t know; you’re just different than most girls I know. In a good way, though.”
I laugh. “Thanks, I think. Trust me; I’ll let you know when I’m getting out of Lovely Soul. Then maybe I can introduce you to some more horror movies.”
He nods. “I’ll hold you to it.” He glances over my shoulder, and I spin to see his mom and sister waiting for him. “Looks like I’ve got to go.”
Already, I can feel my happiness slipping away—almost like a battery being drained. And I don’t like it. I don’t want him to have that kind of control over my emotions. But he makes me smile when he’s here. Something I do very seldom.
“I’ll see you around, maybe.”
“Maybe?” He stands, staring at me. “I-I thought we could talk again next time I’m here.”
I cock my head to the side and study him. “Okay. I’ll be here waiting. I mean, I won’t be sitting here the whole time you’re gone, just that I’ll be in this spot when you come looking for me.” I’m rambling. But it makes him smile, which makes me smile.
“Very good. And I’ll want to talk movies when I see yo
u next. Maybe you can even show me some artwork.”
My heart skitters in my chest. I’ll be counting down the minutes until he comes back. I wave as he saunters away. My eyes follow him until he disappears behind a door. I sigh.
No longer in the mood for checkers, I move out to the main lobby to the couch overlooking the lake outside. I hear a raised voice and glance up to see the man in the suit arguing with Rhett.
“I came home from vacation to check on you, and now you won’t even talk to me,” the man says.
“Yeah, well you didn’t give two shits about me a few weeks ago, when I went to the hospital, did you?”
“Because you’re doing this for attention. To make me and your mother look bad.”
I frown. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Seriously? Before I can stop myself, I walk over to them.
“Hey, Rhett, Nurse Ruthie says she needs you in the library.” I turn my big blue eyes on his dad. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
He stares at me a second. “That’s okay. We were just finishing up our visit.”
“Dad, this is Ellie Gebhardt,” Rhett says, catching my arm. His fingers give me a slight squeeze, and I realize he’s trying to say thank you.
“Gebhardt? Any relation to Ernie Gebhardt?”
My smile falters some, but I keep beaming it. “Yeah, he’s my dad.”
“Ah, he worked on a case for me before. Next time you see him, tell him Ray Jakoby said hi.” He pats my arm, then turns to Rhett. “Ellie comes from a really good family. It’s great that you’re friends with her.”
The guy definitely doesn’t know the definition of good family. My grandpa was an awesome guy. But my parents, they don’t care about anything. Other than work. Perfection. Anything that makes them look upstanding. In the couple of minutes I got to talk to Mr. Jakoby, it seems he’s just like my parents.
“I’ll let my dad know,” I say, then drag Rhett down the hall with me. As we leave Mr. Jakoby, I notice he’s already back on his phone again.
The D.B. List Page 4