“Where would you take us?” I ask.
“It’s a place only a few miles away,” she says. “If you want to come down to my office, we’ll wait for them to call and let us know the van’s ready.”
This trip will be the first I’ve been outside the Institute since arriving. Excitement races through me, but I can’t hide the nervous rumbles in my belly. I hope it’s not something where we have to talk about our feelings or something. Or worse, meet up with our parents.
A few minutes later, Angel’s phone rings and we’re ushered down the hall and out the door, where we have Edward, a big stocky orderly waiting along with an older white haired guy, who I assume is our driver.
We climb into the white van, with a giant yellow sunshine on the side of it.
“Geez, even the van is ‘happy’,” Rhett mutters next to me.
I laugh. “C’mon, you love the smiling sun … you’ll probably tattoo it on your ass when we’re out of here.”
He snorts. “Yeah, I can be the poster child for the Lovely Soul Institution. Gotta have goals to be totally lit.”
If Angel hears us bashing the institute, she doesn’t let on. A moment later, we go through the main gates of the facility, and out onto the road. We drive down a few blocks and turn left along the river.
My breath catches in my throat as I watch the water shimmer under the beams of sun. People hurry down the sidewalk like they’re running a marathon. I doubt they even stop to take the time to enjoy the riverfront view. The way the water bubbles and slips over rocks. Or the way the puffy white clouds paint the teal blue sky. Do they even notice the wind rustling through the leaves or the fresh scent of newly cut grass?
Everyone is always so worried about getting from point “A” to point “B” that they miss the beauty around them. But being in lockdown for so long, I find myself missing every aspect of the outdoors. Every scent or sight and sound.
Soon we pull into a large lot in front of a modern, building with lots of windows at the front. On top of it, I see the words, Art Museum. My heart thrums in my ears. I turn to Rhett and see the same eagerness on his face, that I know is on my own.
“Surprise!” Doc Angel says. “I thought this would be a perfect outing for you two. You share the love of art.”
“It’s perfect.” My fingers touch the van window as I wait for us to park. Once we stop, I wait for the orderly to let us out. It’s hard not to race toward the building.
We follow a brick path that’s arranged with cool sun and moon patterns to the front doors. Doc Angel goes to the ticket window and buys each of us one.
“You two can walk around, but we’ll be following behind.” Angel pats us both on the arms.
I nod, of course they’re not going to let us out of sight, not that it matters. Rhett and I wander down the first area. Here there are paintings and sculptures of people. Some clothed, some nude, men, women, children. Each art piece captures the emotions. I gravitate toward one with a man and woman embracing. They’re really old, but I like the way they look at one another. Weathered faces that have seen many years. The love emanates from their eyes. The way the man touches the wrinkled cheek of the woman. How she clings to shoulders that were once strong, but are now hunched.
Rhett stops and stares at it too. “That’s what I want,” he says softly. “To have someone love me unconditionally, forever. No matter what kind of shit we go through, or how old we get …”
“They’re beautiful. It’s like they still see one another as they were, you know. Like they’re on their first date all over again.”
After a few more minutes, we move on. Down the line we go, until we curve into a new area, this one dedicated to scenic things. Tapestries, mosaics, paintings, drawings, photos, all depicting something in nature. Sunsets and sunrises, the night sky, waves crashing into the shore … deserts, mountains, forests—waterfalls.
We find a bench near a fountain made of mosaic tiles, which depicts the sun and the moon and hanging above it, is an iron sculpture of the universe. I take a seat and Rhett settles down next to me. I close my eyes, listening to the water splash. For the first time in a long time, contentment rolls over me.
Rhett’s finger brushes mine. My lids open and I see him staring at the fountain. “This place speaks to me. Like I could spend days here and not see everything I want to see.”
“I know. I don’t want to go back to the institute.” A part of me wants to run away, to see the world and leave all the B.S. far behind. To forget all the darkness.
“If you want to have time to see more of the museum, you’ll have to probably get moving,” Doc Angel says, interrupting our fantasy.
For the next hour, we hurry through. I hate that we don’t have more time to really examine all the art pieces. But I feel lucky to have been given even this long outside the institute. When we finish and head back to the van, I already feel the happiness slipping away.
I grasp hold of it for all it’s worth. Today had been a gift; I need to remember that.
When we get back into the sterile halls of the psych ward, I part ways with Rhett and head to my room.
“Ellie, where have you been? I’ve missed you so much, I almost cried again,” PJ says as soon as she sees me.
“Doc Angel took me and Rhett on a field trip to an art museum.”
“Oh. Was it fun? Is Rhett your boyfriend, number one?” PJ sits on the edge of my bed and pats it for me to have a seat too.
“Yes, it was fun. And no, Rhett isn’t my boyfriend. Remember, I told you that already.” Although, in the back of my mind, I probably wouldn’t mind if he was. But neither of us are in a position to date—and until we’ve both been able to get past our demons, it isn’t a good idea.
“What about Ky, Ky the Cookie Guy?” She watches me.
I shake my head. “No. He’s not either. Trust me; I wouldn’t keep something like that from you.”
PJ leans against the wall, wiggling her feet back and forth. “But Ky likes you; he talks about you a lot …” She falls out of her rhyming and stares at me. “He’s the nicest person I know, same as you. You two are made for each other.”
Made for each other? Is that even possible? I’m not sure I believe in destiny or true love. I want to. But as far as the dating and love department go, my experiences have been horrible. My parents haven’t exactly been the best role models in that area. They’re all about success and money. However, Ky is different. I know he is. But I’m in here, fighting to get better. He has no clue all the stuff that goes through my mind. If he did, he might not want to even associate with me.
My tummy flutters as I envision his smile. He hasn’t been in recently, and with PJ mentioning him, I find myself wishing to see him.
“Hey, Ellie,” PJ whispers. “Do you think you could write down another happy thought for me to read? M-my thoughts have been bad again. Michael told me during lunch today that he hurts girls like me—he said I better watch out. What if he really means it? What if he makes the dragon come back? I don’t want it to come back.”
My lips tightened. “Like I’ve said before, Michael is an asshole. Don’t listen to him, okay. I won’t let him bring your dragon back.” God, I want to punch him in the face again. He senses how weak PJ is and keeps preying on her. I’m certain she’s not the first girl he’s done stuff like this to. Wanting to calm her down, I grab my notebook and let my mind wander through a few memories, searching for a happy one. Then I get it. Camping with Grandpa in middle school.
So, here’s to summers spent hiking and camping and having bonfires—
Grandpa parks the camper in a spot close to the lake. From here you can hear the waves crashing on shore and the loud cries of the gulls overhead. While Grandpa and Grandma get the bump-outs shifted into place, and the rugs thrown down, Shannon and I grab our duffel bags and blankets from the bed of the truck.
We’ve only been here for about twenty minutes, but already I feel at ease. No Mom or Dad for a week. Shannon nudges my shoulder
with hers and points to the campsite across from ours, where two boys our age are pitching a tent with their parents.
“Oh. My. Gosh, the blond guy is totally cute, don’t you think?” She smiles, adjusting her hand-me-down University of Michigan T-shirt.
“Yeah.” But she knows I’m not into the whole dating thing. I’d much rather curl up with a book or work on sketching or something.
“Hey, you girls can bring your stuff in now. Just put it in the bunkroom and get settled in, while Grandma gets some sandwiches around,” Grandpa says, wiping his forehead with a red kerchief. “Maybe after lunch we can go for a walk and explore some.”
I grin. Grandpa knows me too well. I brought my sketchbook with me, hoping to find some time to draw the scenery. Mom didn’t see me shove it into my bag, thank God. She and Dad were already not wanting me to go on the trip, worried I’d miss some science camp they wanted me to attend. Luckily, Grandpa can be persuasive.
Shannon and I get our beds made, and put our clothes into the small closet at the back of the room, then head out to where Grandma has a stack of turkey and cheese sandwiches waiting for us.
“You made your trail mix,” I squeal. This stuff is to die for. The pretzels, peanuts, and rye chips are so good. Although I admit, I do pick out the chocolate and peanut butter chips she has in it and eat them first.
“Of course, it wouldn’t be a real camping trip if I didn’t.” Grandma hugs me and hands me a plate.
I love being here with them. It’s like I can loosen up and be myself. I can eat what I want. Talk about what I want. Be who I want. When we finish eating, Grandpa leads us down to the beach, which is lined with outcroppings of granite. The waves splash and gurgle, slipping in between the crevices.
I take off my shoes, sit on a rock, and stick my feet into the water. Lake Michigan is still kind of cold. But I love the feel of it against my toes.
With a sigh, I grab out my sketchbook, staring at how expansive the lake is. It’s like it’s never ending. In the distance, I notice a small island, and beyond that, the skyline going on forever. My pencil flies over the paper as I try to capture the way the gulls dive toward the whitecaps and the rocks jut out causing foamy spray to spatter the shoreline.
Grandpa leans over and glances down at me. “That’s turning out nice.”
“Thanks. I love being out here …” The wind brushes against my skin as if to say hi. And I like it. Like the way everything moves and smells … like I’m a part of it.
“Well, why don’t you finish that then come on up and join us for a campfire.” He pats my back and moves toward the path, which leads to our site. “Shannon, you want to come with me or are you going to hang out down here with Ellie?”
Shannon’s standing in the water up to her knees, picking up rocks and examining them. Her dark hair flying about under the gusts of wind. “I’ll stay, if that’s okay.”
“Sure, I’ll see you girls later.”
As he disappears, Shannon wades over to me and plops down on the rock beside me. “I really like it here,” she whispers. “It’s better than our cramped apartment, where all I can hear is the Jacksons doing it or fighting … or both.” She wrinkles her nose.
I laugh. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
And I did. Shannon and I found ourselves that week. The people we wanted to be. Beneath starry skies, roasting marshmallows over the fire, and listening to Grandpa play his guitar and sing.
As I put my pencil down, I sigh. If I close my eyes, I can almost smell the lake…We would only get the chance to go back there one more time before Grandpa passed. I miss it so much. Miss how I felt when I was there.
PJ sighs. “I like the sound of that place. I think I’d like to go there sometime.”
“You’d love it. There’s paths through the woods, with trees that jut right out of the rocks. Some of them look like horses.”
“I like horses,” she says. “What else?”
“There are places where you can build forts in the rocks or swim. It’s like a magical place.” And it truly is. All my best vacations were there, on that beach or in those woods, hanging out with Grandpa and Grandma.
I slide my notebook onto my nightstand and lay back. One more happy memory in the books.
Chapter Twenty
Family and friends come in through the main doors. It’s another visitation day and to be honest, I’m super glad my parents decided to skip today after our last meeting. I don’t see Rhett standing around, so I assume his dad has dropped in again. I feel sorry for him. But I’m not sure I’ll be able to rescue him this time.
Swiping strands of hair from my face, I dart around other patients and go into the rec area. My jaw tightens when I see Michael sitting in my spot at the checkers’ table. He knows I sit here every visit, well, unless my parents miraculously show up, which is next to never.
As if sensing me, he spins and stares me down. His dark eyes pierce me like a dagger. I wrap my arms across my chest. The hair on my neck stands on end. Everything inside me screams to turn around and leave. But I’m not going to let him bully me. So instead, I walk past him and take a seat at a different table. This one has large wooden blocks sitting on it, it’s more for the younger people here, but I honestly don’t care.
I focus on trying to build a wall that’ll block my face from him.
“Hey,” a familiar warm voice calls out.
My head shifts to see Ky walking in. He’s wearing a blue button up plaid shirt, with the sleeves shoved up to his elbows, and a pair of khakis. His smile lightens the room.
“Ky, hi,” I say. My heart skitters beneath my skin. “You’re here.”
“I’m here,” he says. He peers at me over the wall I’ve built. “So, no checkers today?”
My gaze narrows as I peer at Michael. “Nope, thought I’d try something new. You want to help me build something?”
He chuckles. “You mean like the Great Wall of China?”
“Maybe something smaller scale.”
He pulls the chair out across from me and sits. “Sorry I missed last time. I had to help at the food pantry. But, I did finally watch Indiana Jones.”
“And?” I press. My fingers wrap around a block as I push it aside to see him better.
“And, I loved it. There was action, archaeology, humor … it was a perfect idea.” His grin widens. “I liked the movies so much that I applied to a college, which has an archaeology program.”
My mouth drops open. “Seriously? Did your parents freak?” To see him so happy makes me so happy. He’s beaming. I want to reach across the short distance and hug him, but the moment I do, an orderly will appear, and I’ll get in trouble. Not to mention, I’m not sure how Ky would feel if I did.
His hand rubs the back of his neck. “Well, I haven’t exactly told them yet. So, for the next couple of months, I’ll be racing home to get the mail.”
“Oh, God. I’ve totally corrupted you.” I cover my face with my hand. “I thought I’d done so before with the movies, but this is bigger. Like way bigger.”
He chuckles and moves my fingers from my face. “No, you didn’t. You encouraged me to do something for myself for once. I’m glad you pushed me.”
If Ky can do this, I know I can too. I have to have courage. If my parents are so mad at me about deciding not to go to law school, then I don’t need them. I can work my way through college, sure some help from them would be nice, but if it comes down to my happiness or their wants, I’ll choose me.
“Oh, by the way, I liked the drawing you did. You’re really, really talented, Ellie.”
My face burns, and I stare at my fingers. “Thank you.”
“I framed it and hung it in my room. And, just so you know, PJ showed me some of your other pictures you did that are hanging on the wall here.”
If I think my face was hot before, I can almost feel the steam coming off it now. “She showed you all of them?” My voice comes out more of squeak as I lift my gaze to meet his.
“Y
es. All of them.”
Which means, he saw the shirtless drawing I made of him as an angel, the one I’d taped back together after Michael tore it. “I-I would’ve done better if I’d had my art supplies here.”
Ky’s fingers slide across the table and brush against mine. I want to tell him he probably shouldn’t do that, especially with the orderly making his rounds. But I like the human contact. To feel his skin against mine.
“Ellie,” Ky says, never looking away from me. “When you get out of here, I wondered if maybe we could get together … maybe see a movie or something.”
Joy bursts through me, like fireworks exploding in the sky. “Yes. I’d like that.” I want to get better so badly, and this, maybe it’ll speed things along. Or maybe not. I’m scared to get my hopes up, yet, I like the way I feel when I’m with Ky. How he makes it seem like I’m the only girl in the world. That I’m interesting.
He pulls his hand back and tucks it in his lap, he opens his mouth to say more, but his mom calls to him that it’s time to leave.
As he walks away, my throat constricts. I hate seeing him go. But now I have something to look forward to. Not just his next visit, but trying to get better so I can leave. So, I can be a part of his world.
Chapter Twenty-One
I spend the whole rest of the day analyzing and reanalyzing my conversation with Ky. I imagine what my first date with him will be like, not that I’m trying to get ahead of myself, but he did mention getting together when I’m out. Maybe a movie or we can drive to the beach. He can look through college brochures while I draw or paint him.
My lips turn up at the thought of sitting on a blanket next to him.
PJ taps my arm. “Ellie? Are you dreaming—far away beaming?”
I peer at her and Rhett, who both watch me as my fork swirls my lump of mash potatoes around on my plate. “Uh, sorry, my mind was somewhere else.”
The D.B. List Page 9