"Thank you for the clarification. I appreciate it. I’m afraid you have the advantage of me. May I ask your name?" Vin asked tentatively as a new figure materialized at his right side.
This was another male figure, roughly the same height as Vin, with a slight frame that did not give the same impression of power and strength that Michael presented, but rather offered a feeling of serenity and health. He was simply attired in a thin, cream colored robe, made of a lightweight cotton or similar fiber. It was cinched at the waist by a narrow, pale blue, knotted cord of the same material. The man wore sandals on his feet which looked as if they might be made of a pale wood, ash most likely. He had a long, thin face and a thick chestnut mane, which waved from the crown of his head to nearly the top of his shoulders. His hazel eyes were oval shaped and ever so slightly tilted upward at the outer corners, sparkling with an inner light as if he were full of laughter or happiness.
"I am Raphael. It is my joy to speak with you, to help ease your troubled spirit, and to help you discover your purpose. First, you must learn to navigate this existence. For, if you cannot move, you cannot change. Without change, nothing can be accomplished."
With a beaming grin, Raphael made a flourishing gesture, waving the fingers of his right hand like an old time magician. They were suddenly no longer in the room of light, but were moving amongst a variety of people and places. Vin's next lesson had commenced.
CHAPTER 6
"Where does your mind wander, Eyvindr? You are not focusing on the task at hand."
Vin was slightly startled as Raphael's voice interrupted his thoughts and brought him back to the exercise they had been practicing. He was allowing his mind to roam, causing the entire structure he was building to slip and become fuzzy. As fascinating as this whole afterlife was, Vin just could not stop thinking about Caeli.
He had only been on this side for two days, as her life was measured, and yet already he had been exposed to a vast pool of knowledge. He received the answers to some of the most challenging mysteries of mankind, been introduced to entities straight out of religious legends, and learned how to accomplish feats that people only wished they might be capable of performing. It was astonishing! But, through it all, Vin missed his wife.
His heart ached to see her, to speak to her, to hold her. Caeli was the center of his world and everything he dreamed or desired was found with her. All of these new adventures and this unfathomable knowledge would be vastly more fulfilling if he could share it with her. Vin believed that, if there truly was such a phenomenon as soul mates, he and Caeli had been perfectly matched.
These feelings distracted Vin from his lesson. Yet, he was currently being schooled to control these very emotions. Unfortunately, Vin was drawn relentlessly back to thoughts of what Caeli might be doing even as he continued to practice. Had she been seriously injured after their accident? How long had she lain hurt in that clearing before help reached her? Did she require hospitalization or was she recovering at home? How well was she coping with his death? Vin knew how devastated he would have been if he had lost her that night, instead of this reversal. If only he could see Caeli, just to know that she was all right.
Vin was also troubled by the fact that the specific explanations he sought for the manner of his transition were being deliberately kept from him. Raphael told him as much, if not in those exact words. Vin did not believe the intent was to be secretive or harmful in any way, but rather that he was not yet ready to comprehend the explanation. Of course, Vin felt quite certain that he was ready to handle the truth and was anxious to know more. However, he would not directly approach the subject. If Raphael or Michael or any other being wanted him to know, then they would surely provide the knowledge at the appropriate time. He was not nearly confident enough, yet, to question their methods.
"Well, it seems apparent that we have to address this issue now or we simply will make no further progress."
There was no sarcasm or condemnation in Raphael’s voice as it echoed in Vin's mind. In fact, there was only understanding and compassion. Raphael’s words brought Vin more comfort than anything Michael had said. He found that Raph, a nickname Vin would never let Raphael catch him saying out loud, was companionable. Michael, by comparison, was more task-oriented, an all-business kind of guy. Raph was willing to fluidly digress from one topic into any other area of interest, so long as he felt that Vin was gaining some benefit from the discussion.
Vin’s conversations with Raph helped him come to terms with his new situation, helped alleviate some of the immediate concern for what he left behind and remained unfinished, and helped him mostly by beginning to heal the non-physical wounds to his psyche. Physical wounds, of course, were no longer relevant, but the scars on his heart and soul were a different matter entirely. Raph made concerted efforts to help restore Vin's emotional health. In fact, Raph possessed a special gift for revealing a happier, positive perspective whenever Vin was overcome and unable to see beyond the sadness or the devastating loss he felt.
"Come now Eyvindr, Vin…are you trying to embarrass me? Your good opinion is much appreciated. It makes my work that much more enjoyable. But now you have completely lost your focus." Raphael intentionally used Vin’s nickname for the very first time, evidently amused by Vin's own private musing on the subject. Vin kept forgetting that his thoughts were public domain if he did not make an effort to keep them to himself.
"How then, Vin, shall we discover a solution to your distraction? Let's see...try to focus on your knowledge of the facts. Place these facts into the emotions that are demanding your attention. Fact: we cannot return you. You accept that. With that acceptance, you gained the ability to function on this side. Fact: you know that Caeli lives. She remains on the side of life where she may still discover joy in wonders yet to be revealed to her. Her spirit is strong and may heal with time. She is a resilient soul. Is that not one of the traits you found appealing about her? All of these things are good. So why do you linger on her temporary sadness when you know that it will eventually diminish and her life will continue?"
"Well, there were several questions in that polite lecture. I think I will start with your nickname. Yes, I noticed that you used mine as well. You made your point quite nicely, and I am sorry. I meant no disrespect by assigning you a nickname without your consent. In fact, I did not even mean for you to hear it. I still forget that you can follow my thoughts. It just seemed more fitting to address you less formally than Michael. I don't know why, but you seem more suited to it. Please accept my apology if I offended you. For the record, I actually prefer being called by my own nickname. I was pleased to hear you use it," Vin replied, somewhat embarrassed by his audacity in thinking he could presume such familiarity that the nickname would be acceptable to Raphael.
"To shorten your name suggests a lack of understanding of your soul’s true nature, but it changes not the substance." Raphael noted the baffled look on Vin’s face, and a broad smile spread across his own.
"Is that some kind of riddle? I'm not fond of riddles," Vin stated.
"Not a riddle, but I shall rephrase it. Perhaps you have heard the frequently misquoted line ‘a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.’ Thus is it acceptable to use abbreviations. If you insist, and if it brings you comfort, you have my permission to address me by a shortened name. I am not offended. It is a common curiosity amongst those on the other side. It will amuse Michael to hear of it. But, we digress again, and you still did not answer my question."
"Thanks Raph. Somehow, I did not really expect it to bother you, but was a little afraid to ask. And I didn’t answer your question because I still do not know how to answer it properly. I can repeat what I’ve told you every other time this has happened. I simply feel unsettled, incomplete, as if I am missing a vital piece of myself. I miss her, and knowing she is feeling such sadness troubles me. How can I simply set such a feeling aside or ignore it altogether? I don’t know how. Therefore, I do not know how to find the resolution y
ou ask of me."
"So it would seem."
If Vin was not feeling so confused, he might have known with certainty whether or not he actually saw Raph grin with that mischievous bit of light playing behind his eyes, suggesting that he already knew the answer and had divined an interesting plan for its revelation. Vin felt that another lesson was about to commence.
He watched passively as Raphael moved them to a new location. Vin saw a long, paved driveway take shape in the distance. Then a familiar house took its place at the far end of the lane. As they moved closer to the house, Vin saw a faint, yellow glimmer shining through the drawn curtains in an upstairs window. He recognized this as his home and the lighted window as his and Caeli’s bedroom.
They were suddenly in a darkened corner of the room looking across at the slight form asleep in the bed. His heart, if it were physically beating, would have skipped several beats in excitement. Caeli was there, apparently just dozing off into a fitful sleep. She slept alone in their bed, snuggled beneath the pale, gray-blue warmth of the down comforter and cotton sheets.
"Caeli," Vin sighed.
He longed to reach forward and embrace his wife, his widow. Words were not sufficient to express how much he missed her company. Watching her toss and shift uncomfortably tugged at Vin's heart. He wanted to offer her some comfort so that her sleep might be restful. Caeli had always slept more soundly when she could rest her head on his shoulder.
The gray-blue curtains, which were a slightly darker shade than the bedspread, stirred suddenly in a breeze as if encouraging Vin to follow his heart. He ventured forth from the corner.
"Brother, this is not a good idea."
Raphael's words fell on deaf ears as Vin continued forward, moving up to the side of the bed on which Caeli slept. He could not bear to be this close to her and not touch her. Vin was not even certain if it was possible, but he intended to try. He tentatively reached his hand out to caress her cheek, and then leaned down to kiss her gently. As he did, the covers nearest him rippled slightly. Caeli sighed softly as Vin stroked her long hair while withdrawing his hand. She drew the sheets more tightly around her and continued to sleep. Vin imagined it was with a bit more peace than before.
Caeli had not been asleep more than thirty minutes. Her mind went to the same place it went whenever she closed her eyes the past two days. She returned to that clearing. Through the mist and the wind, Caeli saw Vin again. She felt an angry presence in the air draw near them, but Vin stood his ground so that it could not reach her. Then, in the next instant, some unknown force took hold of Vin and ripped him away. He disappeared without a trace.
"Vin!" Caeli called out loud and sat bolt upright in bed. Not surprisingly, she was crying. The fact that her entire body was shaking and her hair was soaked with sweat confirmed the fact that she had been tossing and turning during her relived nightmare.
Caeli got up and went to get a glass of cold water from the restroom and a few more aspirin for her relentless headache. When she returned to the bed and laid down, Caeli's exhaustion sent her quickly back toward the same misery. This time, however, as the event started to unfold again, Caeli's experience changed. For a moment, for the briefest of seconds, Caeli thought she felt Vin's presence next to her. It was the most relaxed Caeli had felt since the accident. She thought she might actually be able to sleep, at least for a little while.
"Brother, we must go now. You are not fully aware of your impact here. We cannot stay longer."
The air around Vin swirled as he turned reluctantly away from the bed and moved again to stand beside Raphael in the corner. Vin was overjoyed to have seen Caeli and been so close to her, but disheartened to leave her again. If he thought it was feasible, Vin would stay beside her for the rest of her time on this side, however long that might be. He did not want to leave.
The scene faded gradually, and they were returned to the now familiar white room. Raphael’s eyes were liquid with unshed tears, matching those that escaped Vin’s own blue eyes.
CHAPTER 7
"I am sorry, Eyvindr. Perhaps I overestimated your readiness for that visit. Forgive me for causing you additional pain." Raphael was genuinely saddened that his attempt at a pleasant surprise caused Vin to suffer further.
"No Raph. Do not apologize. It was perfect, exactly what I needed. I am deeply grateful for your thoughtfulness. It was more than I dared to hope possible. I was unprepared for the strength of my reaction, but I would not give back that moment. It was a tremendous gift, as was every moment I spent with her." Vin sat down, exhausted, on a white, wooden chair that materialized at his heels, with tears still flowing from the corners of his eyes.
"Good, then I am glad. After you have regained your composure, do you think you might return your focus to the remainder of the lesson? You would not want to fall behind. Then I would have to give out homework assignments. You don't want that, do you?"
Vin appreciated Raphael’s attempt to lighten his mood. He knew that it was an effort to take his mind off the recent, emotion-packed encounter and allow Vin to regain his self-control. But, Vin was not ready to change the subject yet.
"Can we talk about her? I’m not asking to know whatever it is that you’ve been so carefully avoiding, but I need to talk about some of it, about Caeli."
"Ah, we come to this point quicker than anticipated. Yet, I fear this discussion will leave you wanting more than I can give. You must understand, before we begin, that I do not keep secrets from you out of malice. Some bits of knowledge, which are integrated with your situation, do not directly apply to you; and others may only be revealed in due order or by your own discovery."
"At this point, I’ll settle for a peek behind the curtain. I understand your restrictions and will not press you further on those matters," Vin replied eagerly. He knew that not all of his questions would be answered, but every detail he could glean would add another piece to help reveal the larger puzzle.
He was certain now of his growing suspicion. Over the last two days, Vin had the feeling that he was being challenged as well as educated. He felt as if his new friends were guiding him along the path, but waiting for him to reach his own conclusions. From this, Vin further deduced that he could obtain his answers by reaching the goals they set before him. Furthermore, that brief excursion to visit Caeli provided him with vastly greater and more hands-on understanding.
Vin believed that he had a good comprehension of the feasibility of revisiting the other side of the barrier, and Raphael provided him with confirmation that such deeds as he imagined were indeed possible. He also discovered a bit more of his new talents and how they functioned, not only on this side of the barrier, but also on the other. All in all, it had been incredibly rewarding to visit Caeli. She once again provided him with an opportunity to expand his horizons by being the trigger which allowed his brief crossing and the subsequent knowledge he gained. Caeli was still good for Vin, even now.
"I would suggest that you take a step back, Brother. It seems you have reached some profound conclusions, but have based them on incomplete information. Your conclusions might not be altered once you know more, but it would be negligent for me to leave you ignorant of the gaps in your reasoning."
"Damn!" Vin let the curse fly before he could censor himself. He was constantly forgetting the open mind, share your thoughts policy around here, and Raphael had overheard his private thoughts again. Vin looked over to Raphael, expecting a critical reprimand for the crude outburst, but Raph was gone. His presence was not felt nearby, and he was nowhere to be seen. What now? Surely one little curse word would not be the end of this acquaintance, would it? Vin heard a cheerful laugh as he watched Raphael reappear next to him with a big grin on his face. He did not appear to be angry or offended. Vin wondered to himself what just happened.
"Now surely you do not think so little of us that we would be offended by a single exclamation, unpleasant though it may have been, do you?"
"I suppose not, but why did you disappear? If
not that, then what did I do wrong this time?" Vin inquired with a perplexed look on his face.
"It is simple really. I did not vanish. You closed your mind, just briefly, but long enough to completely shut out everything and everyone around you. And then, in the next moment, you relinquished the mental lockdown and reconnected with your surroundings."
"So it was my doing? I did not realize that I could close my mind to the exclusion of everything else in such a way, especially without making the conscious effort to do it. I suppose it makes sense as an extension of locking down my private thoughts. You have been teaching me that I have to keenly focus on a location in order to navigate toward it as a destination, though I had not considered using that same focus to this extreme. It is fascinating."
Vin mulled over the implications and decided to let the matter rest for now. He wanted to commence the pending conversation about Caeli before Raphael could change his mind or before other matters imposed on them. Vin sensed that their time was running short.
"Well, I will have to digest that a bit more before I try it again. Let’s get back to the other topic, if that’s ok with you."
"Certainly. As I said, you need to step back in order to learn a few important details concerning the circumstance in which you find yourself. You have already surmised that your crossing was not typical, and you are correct. We had to intervene directly. This is an exceedingly rare occurrence, but it is not the most important detail that you should know."
"It's not? Then what is?"
"Do you remember we said that most souls that cross the barrier are absorbed into the larger scheme and lose their individuality? Only a few, aside from those of us who began on this side, are able to maintain that unique identity. Those who do, like you, must possess certain criteria."
The Book of Elements Page 4