by Beth Rinyu
Chapter 8
Lacey
My legs were still shaky when Quinn walked out the door. I had hoped he didn’t notice, but when I froze like a deer in the headlights, I was fairly certain he had. I felt like such a fool. I was doing so good tonight, holding a conversation with someone I had just met. Exactly what my therapist at home told me I needed to work on to rebuild my trust. Only to fall back down at the sight of headlights in the driveway. Every time I took a step forward I would take two steps back. Maybe it was time to check out the local support group my therapist had emailed me about. I was trying so hard to be strong and not have to depend on anyone else to obtain the strength, but it was a lot harder than I thought.
I looked up at the ceiling when I heard Quinn yelling and a female voice shouting back. I immediately surmised that was more than likely his wife or maybe the girl he was with the other night in the parking lot. Whoever it was, it was none of my business. I poured a glass of wine and grabbed a blanket, deciding to head out to the dock. I figured it would help clear my head as well as give them their privacy and allow them to hash out their problems without the neighbor downstairs eavesdropping.
“Coming, Gus?” I asked. He was curled up on his bed sound asleep, barely lifting his head at the sound of my voice. “Lazy boy.” I laughed.
I stepped outside and scurried down to the dock. I didn’t want to hear anything that was being said between Quinn and whoever he was in a screaming match with. Finally making it to the edge of the dock, I took a seat and wrapped the blanket around me. It was a chilly late September night with just about all the traces of summer gone from the air. The cool breeze invigorated me, and the fog I had been in ever since that car pulled into the driveway instantly lifted. Fall was Aaron’s favorite time of year. We would head up to Maine at the peak of the fall foliage and stay at the same little Bed & Breakfast right on the ocean. It was a tradition we had started from the time we had gotten engaged and one we had hoped to carry on every year until we were old and gray. Unfortunately, old and gray wasn’t what life had in store for us. One and a half years was all we had together as husband and wife and it was the best eighteen months of my life. How I wished I could go back in time and freeze those moments when I still felt alive instead of the walking zombie I had become.
When was it going to end? The nightmares. Being afraid of every little noise. Cautious of everyone I would meet. With each passing day I should have become more hopeful. Instead, I felt as if I was serving a life sentence.
I smiled, thinking about my dinner with Quinn. I had asked him to dinner on impulse and when he said yes, I became a little panicked, knowing my social skills were no longer on a par with what they used to be. But he was so easy to talk to. I felt comfortable around him within the first five minutes. He was definitely someone I could have seen myself being friends with way back when…when I was normal. Gus liked him as well, which was always a good sign. I knew if Gus had a problem with someone then I needed to also be wary. I truly believed he could sense good and bad in people, and he loved Quinn.
I took a sip of my wine and closed my eyes, focusing on the crickets singing their familiar tune, the rustling of the leaves blowing on the trees overhead, and the gentle waves in the lake lapping into the bulkhead of the dock. And for one brief moment, none of my problems existed. I was normal. I was the Lacey everyone used to know and love. The one I had once loved, and not the scared, timid girl who would freeze in fear at the drop of a dime. I swallowed hard as visions of that night flashed in front of my eyes. A chill rushed through my body and a deep sob escaped my throat. No matter how hard I tried to suppress those images, they would always be there for the rest of my life, preying on me when I least expected it.
“Hey.”
I jumped and let out a loud gasp, followed by a sigh of relief when I saw Quinn’s silhouette standing on the dock. I quickly wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, hoping he wouldn’t be able to tell I was crying in the darkness.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, still trying my best to pull it together.
I noticed the beer in his hand as he got closer. “Do you mind?” he asked. I shook my head and he took a seat alongside me. “Sorry if you needed to come out here to escape the yelling.”
I forced a smile. “Nah…I needed to clear my head anyway,” I answered as we both stared straight ahead at the water.
“Did you ever feel like you had sucker written all over your forehead?” he blurted out before taking a sip of his beer.
“Hmm…not that I can recall.” He nodded, still staring straight ahead. “Is that the way you’re feeling right now?”
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“Well, I know it’s none of my business, but I’m a pretty good listener if you need to vent.”
“That was my wife. We’re separated. It’s a long story.” I nodded and continued to listen. I didn’t want him to know Julia had already filled me in on the entire thing. “She continues to hurt me over and over again with the things she says and does, and I continue to let it happen.”
“Because you still love her,” I whispered. “That’s what it’s all about. Someone who can make you so angry that you want to rip their eyes out one moment and in the next moment you’re melting in their arms. When we stop feeling that anger that turns so quickly back into love. That’s when we know there’s nothing left to salvage.”
“That’s just it. I’m not really sure how I feel anymore. All I know is right now love is the furthest thing I feel toward her. I hate her.”
“Anger can mask itself as hate. Don’t confuse the two. Maybe that’s something you need to work on with yourself before you can begin to work on your marriage.”
“I-I don’t follow you.”
“You said she continues to hurt you over and over again, right?” He nodded. “And whatever it is that’s causing you to hurt is also causing you anger?”
“Well, yeah—”
“Then, you need to work on yourself by climbing out of the rut you’re in. You need to build yourself back up. Only then you will be able to diffuse the anger inside of you and think clearly. Have you ever heard the saying, ‘never make a decision when you’re angry’?”
He nodded.
“Well, that’s why. You’re not thinking clearly.”
He let out an exhausted breath, appearing deep in thought. “Would you be able to get over the anger, if that had happened to you?” he asked, taking me off guard.
“If what happened to me?”
“If you were cheated on by someone you loved?”
There was such sadness to his voice that my heart began to ache for him. “I’m not really sure. Guess that’s a question that could only be answered by someone who has been through it.”
“So, I guess you never experienced any heartache in relationships?”
I took a gulp of my wine, preparing to answer. “I have…just not in that way.” I bit my bottom lip and blinked back the tears. “My husband passed away.”
“Ah, man. I’m so sorry.” I could tell he felt bad for asking that question.
“It’s a different type of heartache.”
“How long ago?”
“Two years.” I was praying he wouldn’t ask that dreaded question. How? “I was angry at him for leaving me. I was angry at everyone else who was still going on with their perfect lives while mine was falling apart. I was angry at—” I stopped myself just in time, while he stared at me, waiting for me to finish. “I was angry at a lot of things.”
He lifted his beer bottle up to his mouth and took a swig. “I can relate to being angry at everyone else going on with their life. Sara and I had a baby who passed away a few days after he was born.”
“I’m so sorry, Quinn.”
“Yeah, it was hard. I was hoping we could get through it together. That didn’t work out too well. I still can’t be around my friends who have kids. Sometimes I feel so selfish for that, but it just hurts so badly.”
&
nbsp; “You’re not selfish at all, and it’s totally understandable. I don’t want to be around any of my happily married friends for the same reason.”
“So, since I’m unhappily married, will you consider me a friend?”
A full-fledged grin spread across my face. “I’d love to.”
“Cool.” He nodded. “Here’s to climbing out of that hole and moving on.” He tapped his beer bottle to my glass.”
“Fingers crossed.” I played along, hoping he would be able to do just that, but knowing that would never be a possibility for me.
Chapter 9
Quinn
The month of October had gone by in the blink of an eye, and I had spent most of it working undercover on a drug case. It was freeing to be walking out of the courthouse after testifying to the grand jury on the matter. I was hoping this would finally put an end to it. I talked to Sara only a few times throughout the month. She had called once for me to stop by and look at the hot water heater that was acting up and the other time to ream me out for missing our therapist appointment. I didn’t see much point in therapy when she was still participating in the biggest problem in our marriage.
Lacey had given me the best advice that night on the dock, and I took those words and ran with them. For the first time in a long time, I was focusing on me, and it felt great. I drank less, hit the gym every day, and tried my best to stay positive. Lacey’s friendship was instrumental in helping me stay on track, and in the past month I learned more and more about her. Her caring, kind nature was comforting. She was genuine and a very good listener. I just wished I could be a sounding board for her as well, but she wouldn’t crack. She always talked about the present and the future, as if her past never existed. There were a few times I thought to dig deeper and do my own investigating, but decided against it. I wanted her to reach a point where she felt comfortable enough to tell me that information on her own.
After leaving court, I hit the gym and then headed home. Lacey was just getting out of her Jeep, juggling a stack of papers and some grocery bags. I got out of my truck and rushed over to help her, taking both bags from her hand.
“Thanks. I would rather spill my groceries all over the place than make two trips,” she joked. I noticed her doing that more and more and it made me happy. It was a welcoming change from the girl I had met a month and a half ago.
She struggled with the key and finally got the door open. Gus was waiting by the entryway with his tail wagging. “Hey, buddy!” Lacey greeted him by bending over and placing a kiss on his head. I placed the bags on her kitchen counter and returned to the living room where Lacey was gazing out the window, a disheartened look gracing her slumping face.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, coming up behind her.
She jumped with a start, then her eyes found mine. “Oh, I just hate that it gets dark so early now. I miss taking Gus out for his walks after work.”
“Well, why can’t you still go for a walk in the dark?”
She crinkled her nose at the thought. “Nah, with my luck, I’d probably get lost in the woods and by the time they found me the turkey buzzards would have gotten to me.” She was joking again, and I loved it.
I let out a light chuckle. “Bring a flashlight.”
She shook her head. “Umm…nah, that’s okay.”
“Do you want me to come with you? I know these woods like the back of my hand.”
“Oh…umm…no, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t have to, but maybe I want to.”
Her eyes brightened and so did her smile as she looked up at me deep in thought. “Okay. Can I put my groceries away and change?”
“Not a problem. I’ll meet you outside in ten minutes.”
“Sounds good.” She smiled once again.
I headed upstairs and quickly went through my mail. Bills and junk. Why would I expect anything else? I was about to throw it on the table when I noticed what looked to be a card of some sort for Lacey. The mailman must have accidently mixed it up. The return address was from an Adam Symons from Boston, Massachusetts.
I got a drink of water, grabbed a jacket and a flashlight, and headed back downstairs with Lacey’s mail in my hand. She and Gus were waiting for me at the bottom of the steps as Gus pulled at the leash, anxious to get going.
“This is for you. The mailman put it in with my things.” She took it from my hand and was expressionless as she looked over the envelope.
“Thanks,” she whispered, placing it on the rocking chair on the front porch. “I’ll just leave it there until we get back.”
“Is it your birthday or something? Because if it is and I didn’t wish you a happy birthday, I’m gonna feel like a total dick,” I blurted out.
“It’s not till tomorrow.” She let out a slight giggle.
“Okay, so now I don’t feel so bad.”
“Why would you feel bad anyway? It’s just another day. I don’t even celebrate it anymore.”
“Why not? It’s the day you were born.”
“Hence why I don’t celebrate it.”
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. She was even more torn apart inside than I had thought. “Twenty-seven?” I asked.
“Wow, you’re pretty good…but actually twenty-nine.”
I nodded, shining the flashlight ahead of us. “Close.” I laughed.
“And you?”
“Hey now! Don’t you know it’s not proper to ask a man his age?”
She shook her head and even in the darkness I saw that rare beautiful smile of hers.
“Thirty-one,” I answered.
“I would have guessed that,” she said as we walked along with Gus leading the way.
“Really? You would have guessed thirty-one?”
She nodded.
“Why not thirty? Most people round to the nearest five.”
“Well, you didn’t!” A laugh slipped past her lips.
“That’s because I’m a cop. We don’t think like normal people.”
“Ohhh…is that what it is? Well, who says I’m normal?”
“I’m a pretty good judge of character…I’d say you’re pretty much normal.”
She released a long, loud sigh. “Yeah, well, things aren’t always as they appear, Quinn.” She stared straight ahead into the lighted path. “So what have you been up to?”
“Just working a lot.”
“Yeah, I noticed that. How are things going with your wife?”
“Same old same old. I haven’t talked to her much. I’ve been taking your advice on feeling better about myself first.”
“And…is it working?”
“Yeah, it really is.”
“Good.” We walked in silence for a few moments, with just the sound of the leaves crunching beneath our feet. The temperature had dipped greatly from earlier in the day, and I was glad I had grabbed my heavier jacket.
“What about you?” I asked.
“What about me?”
“Have you been working on you?”
“Umm…I don’t know. Being around my students really helps. They make me laugh. They make me realize life really does go on. Sometimes I look at them and wish I could go back to that age and start all over, knowing what I know now. They have their whole lives ahead of them. You know?”
I nodded. “And so do you, Lacey. You’re not even thirty years old. Don’t give up on living. Do you think that’s what he would have wanted?”
She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. “But I didn’t want him to give up on living, and he did. It’s just—” She wiped the tear rolling down her cheek with the back of her hand. “I’m...I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s okay.” I wanted to keep her talking, so instead of asking her questions about his death, which was guaranteed to make her more upset, I asked more about his life. “So, how did you guys meet?”
“In college. I was actually going to this party to meet up with his dorm mate who was also his best friend. He was in one of my class
es, always asking me out, so I finally agreed to meet up with him at a frat party with a few of my friends. Aaron, my husband, was with him that night, and when I saw him for the first time, I just knew he was the one.”
“Wow…so you ditched his friend?” I joked.
She let out a slight giggle. “Yeah, but he was okay with it. Adam ended up being the best man at our wedding, and he and Aaron were business partners. He and I are still good friends.”
Adam. That must have been who the card was from.
“I technically own half of the business now, but I let Adam run the whole thing. I don’t know the first thing about real estate and mortgages.” Another sigh escaped her. “I suppose I should sign everything over to him and just be rid of it, but that requires too much thought for now.” Her mood instantly lifted. “So, what about you and your wife? How did you guys come to be?”
“Oh, I knew her in high school, but we never really talked back then. A few years later we met up at a party and there you have it.”
“Do you have any other children?”
“No,” I whispered. “Andrew was our first and only.”
She stopped dead in her tracks and looked up at me in the darkness. “Well, here’s how I look at things. I lost my husband, but I gained an angel…and so did you.”
I nodded, trying to chase away that familiar burn in my eyes whenever I imagined that tiny helpless baby that was not bigger than my hand, watching him as he struggled to breathe while being hooked up to every machine imaginable. Trying to be strong for Sara when we were given that horrible news after hoping for some miracle that he would make it. “Yeah, maybe.” My voice cracked. “Hey, what is that on Gus’ head?” I asked, shining the flashlight on the two black points sticking up above his ears.
“Oh, they’re his bat ears. It’s his Halloween costume. Have you forgotten today is Halloween?”
“Oh, shit, yeah. I guess I did.”