by L. D. Davis
“When I take you home I have to make one stop on the way,” Kyle said as we ate.
I nodded my acknowledgment as I watched his daughter across the table playing with her baby doll. Its dark hair kept falling into her pancakes, but she didn’t seem to mind. She and Nat were different in many obvious ways, but they were both four and about the same size. I couldn’t help but to think of Natalie while I was around Amara. I had to admit to myself that I missed the little girl and Alex, too.
Thinking of the kids made me think of Grant. Thinking of Grant made a lump form in my throat. I missed all three of them, and I missed my dog.
Kyle had left Dusky with Mr. Gibbons, but Mr. Gibbons called Grant to go pick Dusky up Tuesday morning because he was going to Long Beach Island to visit his granddaughter and her family. I had no idea how I’d get my boy back without a fight.
We left a couple hours later. It was time for me to go home. I didn’t like imposing on the Sterlings, and stubbornly, I didn’t want to need to be there, either.
“Are you looking forward to your vacation?” Kyle asked in the car.
“Yes and no. You know I don’t like people, even the ones I’m related to, and I have to share a bed with a bunch of toddlers.”
“Yeah, but they’re not your toddlers. During the day, you’ll be able to go your own way and just relax. I think you’ll feel better when you come back.”
I inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. “Whether I feel better or not, I’m going to have to suck it up. This is exhausting.”
“You are exhausting. I don’t know how you made it this far.”
“I almost didn’t.”
It was quiet for a couple of minutes before he cleared his throat and feigned casualness.
“So, how long are your cousins staying in New Jersey?”
I rolled my eyes. “You mean how long is Emmy staying in New Jersey. It’s been four years since you last saw her, and six years since you two have been together.”
His jaw tightened. “Yes. So?”
“You have a gorgeous wife who—for reasons I’ll never be able to fathom—not only loves and adores you, but she has allowed you to penetrate and impregnate her at least three times.”
“Are you attempting to make a point, or are you just insulting me?”
“Both. My point is that you still love Emmy.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel. I was willing to bet money in the bank that he regretted ever asking about her, even in his roundabout way.
“I can hear it in your voice when you say her name. Em. You say those two letters, that one syllable, with every breath in your body. It’s like a benediction. It makes me exceedingly uncomfortable.”
He didn’t look at me, but I could see that I hit the nail right on the head. He couldn’t deny it because it was true.
“I love Lily,” he said after a quiet moment. “I love her in ways that I’d never been able to love Emmy.”
“I get it. When you love someone as hard as you loved her, they’re hard to forget—even if you have no intentions of ever being with her again.”
I felt like I was talking about Grant and me as much as I was talking about Kyle and Emmy.
“She’s a good woman,” Kyle murmured. “It’s important to me to know that she has a good life, especially after what I did to her. I know she’s forgiven me, and I have managed to forgive myself as well. I had to so I could move on to be with Lily, but I’ll never forget the emotional and physical pain I’ve caused her. Sometimes I need to be reassured that she really did get through it.”
I folded my hands in my lap so I wouldn’t touch his arm, but I hoped that my voice was reassuring enough.
“I promise you that she got through it. I promise you that she has a very nice life.”
After many silent seconds, he seemed to relax. He nodded his head and appeared to be relieved. “I’m glad.”
“That’s great,” I said sarcastically. “I’m excellent at fixing other people’s problems.”
“Well, you’re about to start fixing yours,” he said mysteriously.
I narrowed my eyes as we pulled into the parking lot of a large recreational park, not too far away from Kyle’s house.
I started to become very suspicious. “What are we doing here?”
He pulled into a spot and put the car in park before turning to me.
“I think you’re an idiot,” he said point blank. “It is an unavoidable truth that you are a very damaged person. Our past is our past; we can’t get rid of it. It doesn’t go away, but you rediscovered the one man who not only loves you for who you are now—which is really difficult to do since you are an epic pain in the ass—but loves you despite who you were before. Perfectly normal, mentally sound women would give up a lot to have what you have with Grant, and you don’t have to give up anything.”
As I sat there dismayed and speechless, Kyle pointed across the green grass to a picnic table situated close to the lake. There stood a man, with a black lab lying in the grass beside him.
“If you want your dog back, you have to go get him yourself.”
I finally found my words and sputtered out, “You bastard! You set this up with Grant? You’ve only met him once!”
I had introduced the men outside the Sterling Corp building one morning. They had shaken hands firmly as they sized each other up. It was a total testosterone party as both men puffed out their chests and stood erect. Grant was dressed like Rambo that day since he was about to head out to catch a villain, but even though Kyle was in a suit, they both emanated bad boy vibes. Women had literally stopped in their tracks to sample the two different flavors of man candy.
I’ll never, ever admit this out loud, but I became strangely turned on by the display myself. I would die before ever telling Kyle Sterling that he’d inadvertently and indirectly turned me on.
“How many times do I have to meet the guy?” Kyle asked, reaching across me to push open my door. “Get out of my car.”
I began to object, but he unbuckled my seatbelt and gave me a light shove.
“I hate you,” I said vehemently, putting one leg out of the car.
“Thank you! This loving friend shit is disgusting. Get out.”
I got out of the car. I barely slammed the door before Kyle put the car in reverse. In seconds, he had peeled out of the lot, leaving me standing alone on the blacktop.
I turned around and looked at Grant. He waited patiently for me fifty yards or so away. I sucked in a breath and let it out explosively before making myself move.
I cursed Kyle as I walked. He would rue the day. I’d rip his balls off and put them in a blender. It wasn’t like he needed them anymore. He already had two and a half spawn.
When I was about halfway across the clearing, Dusky noticed me and got excited. He began to bark and whine and leap about, but Grant’s grip on his leash didn’t let him go too far. When I was close enough to risk it, he let go of the leash and Dusky bounded after me. He nearly knocked me over when he jumped on me and tried to greet me with licks to the face.
I dropped to my knees to kiss his furry face and rub him behind the ears. A knot formed in my throat. It had only been a couple days since I last saw him, but I still felt bad for neglecting him because of my own pain.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured to him as I hugged him to me.
I ignored Grant’s heavy gaze as I reunited with my dog. After a minute, Dusky happily ran back to Grant and then back to me again. It made me think about how kids must act when their divorced parents are in the same space for the first time after a split.
Grant grabbed Dusky’s leash again.
“Lay down,” he quietly commanded.
Dusky lay down in the grass, panting happily as Grant loosely tied his leash to a table leg. He straightened up and looked me over as I took a few cautionary steps forward.
“Hello, Mayson.”
My eyes traced every element of his handsome face and quickly took in his strong, powerful
body before meeting his eyes again. Though his eyes still carried sorrow, they were bright and lively.
“Hello,” I responded.
“I’m glad you came.”
“I didn’t really have a choice. Kyle physically removed me from his car and abandoned me in the parking lot.”
A small smile formed at one corner of his mouth.
“However you ended up here, I’m glad you’re here. I have something for you.” He stepped aside and gestured to the table.
A large gift box, elegantly wrapped in shiny, white paper and topped with a big, blue bow sat at the center of the table. I eyed it warily for a moment before dragging my gaze to his face.
“I don’t want any gifts.”
“You have to accept it. It’s perishable.”
One of my eyebrows arched as I studied the box again.
“Open it,” he quietly insisted. “Please.”
Only my growing curiosity and not the slight note of pleading in his voice made up my mind.
I sighed and moved to the table. “There better be a big fat piece of chocolate cake in here,” I muttered.
I touched the lid with my fingers and glanced back at him. He nodded once in a silent command. I took a breath and lifted.
My breath caught in shock at first, and then it caught again with wonder as bright and vibrantly colored winged creatures escaped the confines of the box and fluttered into the air around me. One, two, three, four, seven, ten, fourteen and more butterflies floated skyward. They hovered above my head like a halo, strong wings beating in tune with my heart. I reached for them and two landed on my hand, tickling my skin. I laughed and sobbed at the same time—completely unaware until that moment that I had begun to cry.
Dusky barked as the butterflies swarmed. One landed on the tip of his nose. He tried to eat it, but it bobbed away in haste.
Grant’s voice was deep and strong behind me as his hands found my waist.
“This is how I see you, Mayson. You are majestic and perfect. Authentic and strong. I know your past is dark and frightening, but you are beautiful and brave. I see you and see the prettiest wings…” His lips touched my neck. “Soft. Bright. Brilliant, and full of life.”
Wordless, I turned around and instantly reached for his neck as I stood on my toes to kiss him. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me thirstily, like he was dying for me to quench his thirst. I know, because that’s how I kissed him, too. Only he could soothe my parched soul.
As I stood in the arms of the only man I ever loved, sharing his oxygen like life support, the gifted butterflies soared.
So did my heart.
Chapter Sixteen
The kids had no idea that Grant and I had gone through a crisis. He told them that I was sick, which wasn’t too far from the truth. They just didn’t know that it was a mental and emotional sickness.
I never thought I’d be happy to see children…but I was. It wasn’t just because of the natural high I was on after Grant’s beautiful butterfly surprise; I was genuinely pleased to see them, and maybe a little relieved. I wasn’t all mushy about it, though.
“I made you a get well pwesent,” Nat said, soon after our arrival.
She climbed onto the couch next to me and handed me an envelope decorated with lopsided hearts and crude looking stick figures that rather resembled us holding stick hands.
“What is in here?” I shook it a little. “Did you get me a baby elephant? I’ve always wanted a baby elephant.”
She giggled. “No! A baby elwephant won’t fit in there!”
“A rocket ship?” I sounded hopeful.
“No!” she shrieked, laughing still. “Look inside!”
“Fine.” I released a sigh and slipped my finger under the flap.
A moment later I tipped the envelope and deposited a pile of multi-colored paper clips into my palm. I looked at it blankly for a few seconds until Natalie picked one up. Then I realized all of the paperclips were linked together in a chain. Several little plastic charms that looked suspiciously like pieces from one of her doll sets dangled from it.
It was the ugliest thing I’d ever seen, but I felt myself swallowing and blinking rapidly to keep myself from crying again.
“It’s perfect, Nat,” I cooed when I was able to speak again. I touched one of her two long braids and smiled appreciatively.
I slipped the bracelet onto my wrist. When I looked up, I met Grant’s eyes as he stood in the kitchen talking to Juliette. He raised one eyebrow in question as if to say, “Are you getting sentimental on me, Grayne?”
I shrugged in response as Natalie climbed on my lap. Maybe I was getting a little sentimental, or maybe I was just learning to appreciate the smaller things in life, like an ugly bracelet made by a little girl who had wiggled her way into my heart.
Later that night, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at my reflection and praying for my speeding heart to slow down.
I pulled my fingers through my curls for the hundredth time, and again, examined my body in the white silk chemise I had purchased earlier that afternoon. I had never had a reason to buy lingerie in the past because I didn’t care about pleasing other men. They were all a means to an end for me, but for the first time since before I was…raped…I was interested in mutual pleasure, not just my own.
It wasn’t going to be easy for me to walk out of the bathroom and essentially present myself on a silver platter for Grant. For one, even though we were back together and probably more secure than before, I still felt the remnants of the agony surrounding our breakup. I still felt the ghost of despair I’d felt when I kept taking my heroin tools out to look at them with longing. I still felt a pinch of the pain from when I’d closed the door in Grant’s face. For the most part, I was relieved and happy to be back at the ware-home with Grant and the kids, but I still had to deal with those other, darker emotions.
Like any physical afflictions, those mental and emotional aches don’t stop on command—not even with a dose of medication to ease it. If the pain goes away at all, it’s a gradual retreat.
The biggest reason it was going to be hard to walk into the bedroom was because I hadn’t quite been able to shake the cracked images of being violated. It was something that was always with me, but most days, I was able to function and not think of it. However, after telling Grant about it, it was still fresh in my mind. The last thing I wanted was for our time together to be again tainted by my flashbacks and fears, but I knew I had to try. I wanted to try. I wanted him.
“Okay, let’s do this,” I whispered to my reflection.
I dashed a little bit of a vanilla scented perfume on my neck and between my boobs. I inhaled and exhaled deeply a few times before opening the door and turning off the bathroom light.
My heart pounded so hard as I stepped into the bedroom that it must have been bruising me from the inside out. Grant was sitting up in bed, shirtless and wearing a pair of lounge pants as he played a game on his phone. I stood motionless as I waited for him to notice me. He glanced up very briefly before his eyes immediately went back to his game. Then his head snapped up as his brain registered what he had seen. He stared at me with his mouth hanging comically open in astonishment.
The chemise wasn’t the sexiest, most revealing thing, but I thought there was eroticism in the simplicity of it. I just hoped that Grant thought so, too.
Once I had his full attention, I walked across the room to his side of the bed.
“Damn,” he whispered as his eyes slowly traveled up and down my body.
“Do you like it?” I asked as I tried not to sound timid. Me and timidity didn’t go together.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and put his hands on my hips. He gazed up at me with lust and love, but there was restraint in those brown eyes, too.
“I love it,” he said and swallowed. “But…what if…”
“What if I freak out like the nut job I am?” I finished for him. I put my hand on his head and lightly moved it ove
r his short dark hair. “It’s very possible that I will freak out again,” I said softly. “But I’ll have to get through it. You will have to bring me back to reality, and you can’t stop.”
He looked alarmed and angry at that. “You want me to continue against your will? Are you damn crazy?”
I smiled a little. “I am damn crazy. You already know that, but yes, I want you to continue.”
He stood up and started to push me away as he shook his head. “No. I won’t do that.”
“Grant,” I sighed when he succeeded in pushing me back a couple feet.
“I won’t do that to you!” he snarled at me. “That’s rape, Mayson. I won’t be another one of your rapists.”
I flinched at his words, but I didn’t back away.
“I’m not telling you to ignore my pleas. Talk me through it, Grant.” I threw my hands up and let them fall. “It might not even happen. It doesn’t always happen. Something triggered it, and I don’t know what it was.”
“What if I’m the trigger, Mayson?”
“I don’t think that you are.”
He paced the floor agitatedly. “What if talking to you doesn’t help? Then what? We’ll be right back where we were a few days ago. I’m not ready to lose you again for a little bit of physical satisfaction.”
I put my hands on my hips. “First of all, I would hope that it is more than a little bit of satisfaction. I’m expecting way more than a little bit, so you better deliver. Secondly, we’ll never be back to where we were a few days ago. The circumstances were different. You didn’t know before, and I... I am beginning to have a better view of myself…at least as far as you’re concerned. Now stop pacing the floor and get over here and make love to me!” I pointed to the floor in front of me. “Now.”
He relaxed a tiny bit as he gave me an equally tiny smile, but he didn’t look prepared to do my bidding. Silence stretched between us for a whole minute or more before he finally moved, but he didn’t come to me, not exactly. He sat back down on the edge of the bed and looked at the floor for another several seconds.