by Kate Stewart
“Cameron,” I repeated, annoyed, as he opened the shower door, his beautiful body distracting me.
“It’s early,” he said. “What are you doing up?”
“Your phone is ringing off the hook again. Put the damn thing on silent like normal people.”
“I normally do, sorry.” He eyed the phone while it rang in my hand.
“It’s a local area code,” I said. “Do you want it?”
He turned off the shower and began toweling off. “I’ll call them back.”
“What are you doing awake? It’s—” I looked at the clock on his phone “—four o’clock in the morning.”
“I have a seven o’clock meeting,” he said, pressing a kiss to my lips before retrieving his phone. “Get back in bed.”
“We just went to sleep,” I said, grumbling before I made my way to bed and pulled my comforter over me.
Cameron walked out a few minutes later, straightening his tie. I loved watching him dress for work. I reveled in the package he presented to the world and the fact that I was the only woman who got to open it every night.
“You must be so tired,” I said, feeling my own exhaustion set in.
“I’m good,” he said, leaning over me, giving me a whiff of his heavenly scent before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I’ve got meetings all day, but I’ll be back tonight. Dinner?”
“Sure,” I said.
“I’m telling you now, tonight, we talk.”
That time I didn’t object. I nodded.
“Okay.”
“I love you, Abbie, so fucking much,” he murmured as he brought his lips to mine.
He left me a sated believer.
I woke up later that morning with a stretch and lazy smile. We’d done nothing the night before but make serious love in every sense of the word. And in the middle of the night, in a snooze filled recoup, we reached for each other with the need to stay connected. He’d taken me again and again as we tangled my sheets, drenched.
I was physically spent but had the promise of so much more to get me through my morning routine. Between the sheets, Cameron had much more to offer than I could have dreamt of, but the evidence of his appetite stung between my legs as I gripped the pillow full of his clean scent and inhaled.
I clung to those promises. They told me I had a new life to look forward to, one filled with we instead of I. A happy tear trickled down my cheek as I thought of dancing with Cameron at Bree’s wedding.
Futuristic visions flooded my mind of repeats of opening gifts together on Christmas morning at his father’s house, of more gluttonous dinners at Mrs. Zingaro’s, of another New Year’s kiss.
I already had those memories with Cameron but vied for more. And we hadn’t missed a day together since the beginning of the year.
I knew without a shadow of a doubt, the next week when cupid came to taunt the single thirty-somethings of Wicker Park, I would finally be spared.
For the first time since we started dating, I dared myself to dream of bigger milestones. At that moment, I didn’t care if marriage was in the cards, I wasn’t dreaming of our future children. Yet. It had only been months and that didn’t matter in comparison to how desperately in love we were.
But I knew, without a doubt, any life with him as my best friend and lover would suffice no matter what we turned out to be. One day I would want more, dream of more, but for the moment I was content with the hope of us and how it felt to be with him.
I wanted to make him smile, make him happy. That was my only want. And needing him was a given.
I needed Cameron and he needed me right back. He’d been just as starved to give his heart away, and it was only until we were both certain about the other that we took the leap with faith and trust on both our parts.
Sometimes I think I placed too much importance on having what I thought I was missing. Again, my mother was right. For the first time in my life I wanted what I had.
Sweet relief.
I found him.
Well technically, he found me.
But I wasn’t keeping score.
I smiled at my reflection as I went through my morning ritual, brushed my teeth, and hesitantly washed the smell of him off my skin.
On the train to work, I relived every minute of our time together.
Walking down the street toward Preston Corp, I swayed my hips as “Closer” by the Chainsmokers serenaded my trek, though the idea of the big reveal happening that night put a slight damper on my mood. But if he was sure we could work through whatever we unpacked, I had faith.
When I exited the elevator, Kat looked over at me from her office and read my face. I didn’t hide it.
“Oh, wow, wow,” she remarked as I beamed at her behind her desk.
“Yeah, I’m totally fucking in love.”
“I’m so happy for you,” she said with a genuine smile. “A little jealous, but happy.”
“That used to be my line,” I said as I dropped my purse at my desk and walked into her office.
“So, what happened?”
“We just confessed. I mean, it’s been there for a while, but we kind of just opened the gates and it was everything. He’s so perfect.”
She shook her head. “That’s great, Abbie. You deserve it.”
“Damned right I do. No more dateless weddings.”
“Maybe you have your own to look forward to,” she said softly. I saw it then, the fatigue.
“Don’t worry about today, okay? I’ve got it handled. Look at it like just another meeting.”
She nodded solemnly. “I need a change. If they let me go, maybe it’s a sign.”
“Don’t think that way. You love it here. I can tell. We’ll get this handled. You’ve seen the reports. Piece of cake, okay?”
She nodded before handing me a cup of coffee, just the way I liked it.
“So, tell me what’s been going on.”
Before I got the chance, several executives walked out of the elevator. Kat visibly cringed at their arrival and whispered to me.
“This really is it, isn’t it? Are you done after today?”
I followed her toward the conference room. “I’ll be done here, yes, but I’ll still have a few things to tie up from home.”
She threw her shoulders back and looked at me earnestly. “I just want this to be over.”
“I’ve got you,” I swore, every bit as confident as I was the day we’d met.
Nine hours later, we walked out of that meeting with matching smiles.
“I can’t believe it. Not only did you save my job, you made me look good. You’re a miracle worker, Abbie.”
“I told you. You are capable of running the division. It was just a matter of time.”
“Walk me down?” she asked as she grabbed her purse.
“Sure,” I said, checking my phone for a text from Cameron.
He’d been quiet that afternoon, but he knew it was an important day for me at the office. I sent a text of my own.
I hope your day was as good as mine, Coach. XO
“I really can’t thank you enough,” Kat said as we walked out of the elevator.
When we pressed through the heavy set of double doors into the freezing cold, I looked over at her. “Maybe we could get together sometime?”
“Absolutely,” she said, though I was sure her response was plastic.
I’d had one too many office friendships that only lasted the duration of my time on the job. Our relationship had been far too one-sided for me to pursue it any further.
“Damn it, there’s my husband.”
“You didn’t drive today?”
“No, I wanted to pick up some things I ordered, that’s why I told him to come and get me, but of course he can’t even get that right and shows up in my car! Gah, the man’s incompetence knows no bounds. So, I’ll call you?” She asked as she stepped toward the curb toward a flashy sedan.
“Of course,” I said as she thought better of leaving me with a promise of a phone
call then hugged me. I hugged her back in surprise as she spoke.
“Thanks for, well . . . everything. I’ll text you. I swear I will.”
“Sounds great. Good luck,” I said. “With everything. And try not to kill him.”
She laughed and took a step back before opening the door and lashing out. “Jefferson, I told you to bring the SUV.”
Curious, I peeked in the car, a nervous smile on my face for the poor man who was probably humiliated by being talked to like an infant.
Somewhere in my imagination, I expected to see a prematurely balding man or something less desirable and was pleasantly surprised when I took in his wool trench coat, well-fitted suit, but froze when I met his ocean green eyes.
No.
My eyes traced the five o’clock shadow that hours prior had left fresh marks on my breasts, between my thighs, and on my neck.
The man stared back at me, stunned, as his wife got into the car and berated him while my heart shattered on the sidewalk.
No.
My throat burned as my soul tore away and threatened departure.
“What are you waiting for?” she snapped, following his gaze to meet mine. “Oh, yeah, Abbie, this is my husband, Jefferson. Jefferson, Abbie.”
Eyes locked, I coughed out a sob as my chest screamed with ache.
Neither of us said a word as she shut the door after muttering an, “I’ll call you, okay? Thanks again, Abbie.”
I could hear her incessant but muffled bitching as Cameron sat behind the wheel, his eyes still fixed on mine.
No.
No.
That’s not him. That’s not the man I love.
This can’t be wrong. This can’t be wrong. I wasn’t wrong.
Another sob I couldn’t hold back escaped as I let myself break on the cement. There was no saving me, nothing to catch me as I toppled over, helpless, and splintered into millions of tiny pieces.
And every single one of those pieces loved him.
I dropped my bag and looked down at my hands, expecting them to be filthy. What had I done? What had he done to me? Why!? A scream lay idle on my tongue.
I shook my head feverishly, refusing to believe that the man in the car was mine. Because he wasn’t. He had never been.
The blood left my face as the driver door opened and he stood to face me over the hood of the car.
“Abbie, look at me.”
Helpless, I looked to my love and best friend for help. But it was all wrong because he was the one responsible for the bleeding.
I gave myself another selfish second on the street to try to make sense of it.
“What did you do?” I asked in a whisper. “Oh, my God, what did you do?” I said as I fisted my hands on my chest. “What did you do?!”
Cameron moved to shut the door, and my eyes snapped to the passenger side as Kat yelled at him. “Jefferson, what in the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re embarrassing me! Get in the car!”
She couldn’t see his face, and I just wanted her shrieking to stop. I had to get away.
I grabbed my bag and let my instinct to run kick in.
“Abbie!”
Jefferson. I didn’t even know his real name. I knew nothing real about him.
It was all a lie.
One.
Huge.
Lie.
He was never mine. Not made for me. Not my soul mate, not my other half. Not my missing piece. He was someone else’s husband.
A liar, a cheat, a goddamned figment of my overactive imagination.
And I’d never be the same woman without him.
I saw her end us. I saw it happen. I did my best to straighten my face and got back into the car. It took seconds to undo months of the trust we built. In those seconds all hope for my newly paved road had been obliterated by the tinderbox that was my wife.
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Kat spat out while I stared in the direction Abbie fled as Kat ranted. There was only one reason I picked her up and explaining myself to her wasn’t a part of it.
Abbie was gone in every sense of the word. There was no use trying to catch up with her. She would never forgive me. And I couldn’t blame her. I was selfish to make us happen.
Months of indecision to come forward and do the right fucking thing had ruined everything. Despite her pleas to keep things as they were I should have manned up and demanded we exchange truths.
Still, I knew the one I harbored would be far more of a game changer than hers. I would never be able to make her understand. And seeing Kat and me in that capacity, as a couple, even though it was a lie—Kat’s lie—would do the most damage.
“Jefferson, I told you to bring the SUV. I told you I needed to pick up some things.” I wiped an open palm down my face.
I’d been so close to the unattainable, the impossible. Of breathing life again, of having her. All I had to do was be honest, but honesty could never have saved me. She’d judged me standing there on the sidewalk. She snapped our connection and erected a wall leaving us both standing on opposite sides with no way through. I was shut out the minute she saw me, but that meant nothing to my heart.
I would fight with every ounce of my being to get her back. I would make her understand, no matter how much pride it cost me, no matter what I had to reveal to her.
Even with that mindset, even as I tried to convince myself that I could tell Abbie anything, I knew the whole truth would be the hardest thing for me to give her.
“Once again you’ve tuned me out. Just forget it. Jesus, you’re useless. Just take me home,” Kat snapped. “I’m so sick of this.”
I ignored her, while I looked for any sign of Abbie. When Kat’s shrieking could no longer be overlooked, I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.
“Today you’re going to sign those papers, Kat. I’m tired of asking. I’m telling,” I said calmly. She waved me away with her hand and opened her purse. I snatched the pill bottle from her hand and tossed it to the back of the car out of reach.
“Stop this car right now,” she snapped. “Jefferson!” She shrieked.
I didn’t answer to that name anymore. That was a nickname a woman gave to a man whom she loved when he was on her shit list. My middle name, a name I never wanted to hear again. A name that had been muddled by wrath, addiction, and hate. The joke hadn’t been funny in years.
“I don’t know who the hell you think you are,” Kat snapped as she twisted in her seat in an attempt to reach the bottle and I grabbed her coat by the pocket and pulled her back to sit.
I looked for bitterness in my words and found resolution instead. “I’m no one. I was your husband for a few years, and your punching bag for another few. I’m done. I left you a year ago. Your denial is over. We’re doing this.”
She scoffed. “I’m not in denial. It’s you who needs a reality check.”
“I want my goddamn life back, Kat. It’s time you sobered up.”
“Oh, fuck you,” she hissed. “And what was that back there, huh? How do you know Abbie?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to,” I warned. “I’m moving on and I’m not going to come the next time you call or any other time after for that matter. The only reason I picked you up tonight was to watch you sign those papers.”
Kat was still inching toward the back seat when I scared her with the aggression in my voice. Slowing to a stop at the light, I studied her hostile profile. “Look at me, damn it.”
Her blue eyes snapped to mine and then narrowed.
“Kat, I’m done.”
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you need to get your shit together.”
I couldn’t muster an ironic laugh as I smashed the gas and took off like a shot. She was the perfect picture of denial, hauntingly beautiful without a soul to sell.
“You will grant my divorce today. Write in whatever contingency you want, Kat. Rob me blind. Take it all, you have the house, take the rest. Take half my stores. T
ake everything you think you’re entitled to, but you don’t get the rest of my life.”
Her eyes clouded with anger, not fear, or regret, feelings I’d hoped and prayed to manifest in the endless months I tried to save my wife and my marriage. “You don’t mean that. You’re just . . . tense.”
For the first time in years, I exploded. “I’M FUCKING DONE WITH YOU! You’re a drug addict and you’ve emasculated me at every turn since the night you got hurt. I don’t love you anymore. Our marriage is over. You’ve turned us into something too riddled to fucking figure out. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.”
“Oh, I did this?” She said with an accusing tone. “Me?”
“Jesus Christ, not the blame game again.”
“You are the one who jarred my back!”
“Fine it’s my fault, but your career was already over. You had therapy and a multitude of ways to get healthier since I jarred your back. But you are the one who denied recovery and turned yourself into this fucking mess.”
My words had barely made the air between us as her fist connected with my jaw and I jerked back in my seat scanning the road to get my bearings. I was halfway aware of where we were on the road when she landed her second blow.
“Kat, I’m driving. Stop!” But she didn’t.
The hits just kept coming and I had to force us off the busy street cutting off two cars in an attempt to get her under control. Throwing the car in park, I was blindsided when she connected with my temple.
“Jesus, Kat stop!” I growled as she came at me full force. All of her anger front and center. She struck a few more times before I gripped her hard and shook her. “Goddammit stop! It’s over just . . . stop!” She glared at me, her eyes full of hate.
It was never me she was angry at. It was never me she wanted to hurt, but it was me who dealt with both after she lost the last of her hopes to age and addiction rather than injury which had turned into the perfect excuse.
When I met Kat, she was full of vitality even at thirty-four and had the world at her fingertips. She was a retired gymnast with big dreams of opening a chain of gyms. She wore her future in her smile. We had similar dreams and insatiable appetites for life and more than enough lust between the two of us.