by Kate Stewart
“Come here, Cam,” she said low as I took the seat next to her and took her cold hand which was covered in bandages, bruised from the needles full of medicine that didn’t help her, and couldn’t save her. All the hell she went through, for nothing. She was leaving, and my chest caved knowing it was the last time I would ever lay eyes on her.
“Look at me,” she said sternly. I gave her my eyes and through all the strength I saw in hers, I faltered.
“This is why I didn’t want you to see.”
I took in a sharp breath that burned my throat. “Mom, stop trying to protect me. I’m too old for that.”
“Never. It’s my right and it’s been the best privilege of my life. Over everything else you were the one thing I’m most proud of and I know you believe that. You know how much I love you. I made sure of it. Because that’s what you do when you live for someone else. When you have your own, you’ll understand.”
I nodded, studying her fingers, unable to speak.
“Cameron, we agreed. I don’t want you to see this. I won’t let you.”
“Mom-”
“Just be a good man,” she whispered as my father cried openly at her side. She squeezed my hand faintly before she let go. I felt the loss of her warmth and it ripped my chest wide open. She was determined. Even in her final days she kept so much authority. Over me, over us both.
“I don’t know how to let go,” I whispered. Knowing she was terrified, I was selfish. I needed her comfort. She taught me how to tie my shoes, stand my ground, and take care of myself. She taught me how to love, she never taught me how to let go.
“I don’t have anything else for you Cameron. It’s not that I don’t want you here, it’s that I can’t handle it myself. Please,” she whispered as her own tears got the best of her. “I don’t know how to do this either. I don’t think I’ll take my last breath and be okay knowing you’re here and I won’t be.” She turned to my dad. “Mark give us a minute.” He nodded before he left the room and the door clicked softly behind him.
I surveyed the space. She’d painted her walls sky blue when she got sick. She said it would make her feel more out in the open on days where the chemo refused to let her leave. But somehow, even with filtered sun streaming through the windows, the room felt ominous. I inhaled the scent of her lotion next to her bedside table, a scent I knew I would never forget, it was of no comfort and damn near brought me to my knees.
Cancer had stripped her, taking her skin, her hair, her joy and using her body as a punching bag. She’d survived it once. I didn’t know why God thought she deserved more, but I asked him. I asked him every day. And every day she got weaker until I had no choice but to accept her fate.
I could no longer demand answers but pray anyway, even if God was cruel. She hurt, and I prayed. And when praying proved to be pointless, I watched her wilt, I watched her choke on breath, I watched her cry out in pain, helpless, hopeless, it was the first time I felt forsaken and humbled to the point I no longer had an ego.
God broke us both and my father watched.
I looked at my mother, a floating vessel in a shell that refused to house her. So much life was left in her eyes, but she was stuck in a body that wouldn’t cooperate. I knew in that moment she was right. Seeing her like that altered me. It took a piece of me. She looked back at me as she weighed her words like she often did, before she spoke while I prayed one last time.
No more pain. God, hear me. You take her, but no more pain.
“Cameron, your father and I started this life together, and I want to end things with him that way. I know that seems selfish, but I need him with me. He’s my strength, son. No matter how you see it. He’s mine. It’s a gift if you think about it. I get to devastate him and then I’m free. But he won’t be. You two need to figure out how to do this on your own. Promise me you’ll try.”
“I will,” I said burying my face in her blanket. I gave myself three seconds of anguish before I faced her. Three seconds to breathe in the hell fire, breath that I could take freely, and she would suffocate for. I felt her fingers on my neck as I braved another look at her. And in her eyes, I saw the woman who gave me the best of herself. I saw a woman capable of so much more than being Mark’s wife or my mother. I saw her for the first time, a woman who was able to choose any other life than belonging to us. But we were her choice and I was grateful. And so, for my mother’s sacrifice, I made mine.
“Okay.” Grabbing her hand, I leaned in and kissed her fingers before I moved to press my lips to her forehead. Her hat slipped off and I heard her gasp. I didn’t flinch as I pulled the soft fabric down cradling her head. Every step away from that bed became laid brick in my chest. But it was when I looked back at her from the door that I realized I was her strength too. So, I gave her the only thing I could. “You are the best friend I have ever had. Even if you grounded me every day.”
She laughed lightly and made quick work of pulling up her sheet, averting her eyes so I couldn’t see her pain. I couldn’t lie. I couldn’t tell her that I would be okay without her because I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell her that my life would be full without her because I knew that wasn’t true. I would miss her, every second of every day for the rest of my life. I would never be ready to lose her.
So, I looked at the woman who gave me breath, and I told her the truth. “I see you, Emma.” She paused her hands and looked up at me. “I see everything now. I just wish I would have seen it sooner. I would have done so much more. Thank you, mom.”
I gasped at the memory of her face in that moment as I closed the door. She died a week after I left her in that bed with my father at her side. My chest stretched unbearably, and I coughed at the stab. And for the first time since she died, I spoke to her like she could still hear me.
“I’m coaching again. I know you were pissed when I quit after I met Kat. It’s because you knew it would make me miserable,” I swallowed, “maybe you knew she wasn’t the right one, or maybe she had us both fooled.” I stood and shoved my hands in my pockets as the wind picked up. “I met the right one. She reminds me a little of you. She’s so beautiful in every way, so unassuming. She just wanted to make me happy. And she was good at it. She’s so smart it scares me, but in a good way. The way that lets you know you’re out of your league and lucky they haven’t realized it. But I went and showed her. I fucked up, mom. I don’t think I can come back from this the man you want me to be. God, I tried so hard with her. I thought, if I could get it right, just once, then maybe I could feel a little safer again, a little freer, with Abbie. With her, I could just be him. Your son, myself. And that was enough. But I didn’t put her first. I didn’t do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be that man.”
Even if my marriage wasn’t falling apart I couldn’t help but ask myself if I would’ve wanted Abbie anyway. Would I have strayed? Would I have thrown my marriage away for just a chance to get near her?
Everything inside me told me I would have if it meant I could feel a tenth of what I felt when I was with her.
Maybe I was that fucking guy. Because I knew in my soul I would sell, trade, kill or steal for another ten minutes of feeling like that and regret nothing. But even without more words, my compass showed me the truth. Love wasn’t just about being there, it was about sacrifice. It was the one thing love required that could make me the man I needed to be. What I needed would come second. It’s where I went wrong. It’s where I’ve always been wrong.
Sacrifice would be my penance for taking her trust and muting it to hear my own heartbeat.
“Hey,” Kat whispered faintly behind me. I sighed as I wiped my face of debris and prepared myself for the worst.
“Please, please don’t, Kat. Not now, not here.”
“I’m so sorry, but you keep avoiding my calls and I had to talk to you.”
I turned to face her and was surprised to see her father at her side, holding her hand. Kat’s mother had died before we met, and it had been our common bond when mom got sick while we we
re dating and then passed away five years to the day we stood as strangers at her grave. She knew I would show up.
“Hi Billy,” I said with a nod.
“You look good Cameron,” he said politely.
“You’re a horrible liar,” I said offering my hand. We shared a barely-there smile. Kat favored her father and he looked like he’d aged a decade since the last time I saw him. Some small part of me felt guilty about that because I knew the cause. But she was no longer my burden to shoulder.
“I can’t believe it’s been five years,” Kat said softly looking down at where my mother rested. I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her sincere empathy. I was too numb to her. I’d been through too much when it came to her. Still, I couldn’t forget there was a time that I loved her, that I would have done anything for Kat.
She turned to her father. “Daddy, can you give us a minute?”
“Sure.” Billy kissed her temple, ever the doting father as the wind gusted over us and left her shivering. I took off my coat and handed it to her.
She bit her lip as she cast her eyes down at my mother’s picture. “She was so beautiful.”
“She was.”
“I really loved her, you know? I felt so close to her.”
I nodded. “You two were thick as thieves.”
“I bet she would hate me now,” she sniffed.
I kept my jaw clamped tight. “My dad . . . he’s been,” she swallowed, “well we’ve been talking and I’m thinking about getting help. There’s a place I checked out in Florida a few months ago. I think it might be good for me.”
“I hope you go, and I hope it sticks,” I said carefully in an attempt to keep the peace. “I really do, Kat.”
“I’m high now,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get clean. You were right to leave.”
I stayed mute. I resented her for being there. I resented everything about the conversation that I’d begged for that seemed to flow so easily at that moment.
“And after what I’ve done to you,” she swallowed hard. “The guilt is worse than anything I’ve ever felt. I want you to know that’s one of the reason’s I haven’t stopped using. I know what I’ve done. I know what I’ve done to us, mostly to you. I’m sorry Cameron, with my whole heart, I’m sorry. You deserved so much better.”
My whole body jerked at her admission. I swallowed the emotion down and the anger that threatened. “What do you want, Kat?”
“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t help the suspicion, it fit.
“That’s all?”
“No catch,” she said before biting her lip. “I know it’s hard to believe. But I don’t want to be this person anymore.”
“Why couldn’t you say that to me then? All I wanted was for you to say you were still there.”
“I wasn’t,” she said solemnly, “I’m still not, Cameron. I’ve been posing for pictures nobody’s taking for so long, I have no idea who in the hell I am anymore.”
A long moment of silent resolution passed between us.
“I don’t think I was ever the woman you thought you married,” she admitted, her voice low.
Her hair whipped around her pale face as her blue eyes implored mine for anything I would offer. Kat was startlingly beautiful, had always been. Even in her sickness, it hadn’t faded, which made her beauty deceptive in a way that made me feel sick. And her admitting to that deception only made me feel worse.
It made me a fool. It made me feel taken. And for the first time since I left her, I saw she never wanted it to work out between us. And maybe that was the truth for me too. Ours was a marriage of convenience and I’d paid hell for it while she played numb and indifferent.
“Can you ever forgive me?” Her eyes were cloudy as I swallowed my bite and sighed. “I don’t want to know you anymore, Kat. I know that sounds cruel. But it’s the truth. I’m sorry.”
She nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I deserve that.”
“I just can’t,” I told her. “But I will remember I loved you once. And I want you to be well. I’ll hope for that, for you.”
She cried quietly as I tamped down any human need to console her, and it wasn’t difficult. I’d hardened myself to the point where I couldn’t care. I couldn’t afford to. What was left of my heart, my loyalty, resided with a woman in Wicker Park.
Kat broke the uncomfortable silence. “I won’t contest the divorce. I’ll accept your terms, it’s the least I can do.”
“Thank you.”
“And Abbie?” She said as a question and I confirmed it with my silence. “What a fucked up and small world we live in.”
“Please don’t talk about her—”
She shook her head to cut me off. “I like her. Isn’t that a crazy thing to say? And I like her for you.”
“She didn’t know about you. Don’t . . . don’t fault her.” It was the last conversation I wanted to be having with Kat. She nodded as more understanding passed between us.
“I have no right to ask Jeffers—Cameron, but will you reach out to my father once in a while and let him know how you are?”
“I’ll think about it.”
Kat swallowed and shrugged off my jacket before handing it back to me. “Thank you, Cameron.” I didn’t know what it was for, but I nodded in response. She looked up at me with a forced smile. One that I knew was first nature after years of hiding. “Be happy. You deserve it. And maybe one day I will too.”
“Take care, Kat. Good Luck.”
She made her way down the narrow hill stumbling in her footing and her father was at her side in seconds. He embraced her, and I could see her crumbling in his arms. She’d never let me be her comfort. She never wanted me to see that far inside of her. A part of me was relieved she was finally letting someone else see her. I had to let go of the anger. She was never my puzzle to solve.
I looked back to my mother’s headstone wondering what she would think of me, of how I’ve behaved. Of what I’ve done. Kneeling down, I pressed my fingers to my lips and then to her grave. “I miss you.”
Half an hour later, I was pacing outside the front door. Nothing was working. Nothing helped. I felt hollow and completely alone. I had nothing to lose, I’d already lost everything that mattered.
Exhausted from battling demons, Kat’s and my own, all that was left was the new throb of Abbie’s loss. Even with Kat’s confession, I got no relief. Mixed up in a way I couldn’t navigate, I stared at the front door.
Thunder rang in the distance as droplets of rain began to fall on the porch, pinging off the empty plant stand. Thinking better of it, I took the first few steps away from the door when it opened.
“Cameron?”
I stopped my retreat and turned to see my father in the doorway, his eyes searching mine. “Son?” He took a step forward and put his hand on my shoulder as I faltered.
“Hey Dad,” I croaked out as I crumbled on his doorstep. For the first time in my life, I let him see that I needed him. “How . . . how about now?”
That night I sat at the bar staring through a hockey game. My conversation with my father on replay. I left out the details about Kat, but I was sure he knew. He spared my pride by keeping it to himself as I talked, and he listened. He was, for the first time in his life, careful with his words when it came to me. He didn’t lecture, he didn’t judge, he just listened.
And when all was said and done we were better off for it. It was a start. After he closed the door, I realized that he had the same need to connect as I did.
“Looks like they’re getting their asses kicked.” The voice came from the newly occupied seat next to me.
I mumbled a “yeah,” without a clue to what team he was referring to and motioned for the bartender for my check when I got a text from Max.
Max: Damn it, man. We’re all here. Where are you? Don’t do this again.
“You a fan of hockey?” The guy asked, indifferent to my vibe.
&nb
sp; “Sure,” I said as I pulled out my wallet and turned to address him.
The resemblance was unmistakable.
“Oliver,” I said as my heart drilled out beats.
“Yep,” he said coolly, rolling a toothpick on the side of his mouth. He was wearing a tux and his tie was hanging loose on his collar.
Panic crept in. “Is she okay? Abbie—”
“Thank you,” he said as a beer was set out in front of him, he swallowed half of it before he brought his menacing gaze to mine.
“How did you know I was here?”.
“I asked someone where an asshole would go to get a beer around here.”
“Cute,” I said as he glared at me with clear accusation.
Oliver shouldered off his jacket and hung it behind him as he spoke. “I just wanted to see the face of the asshole who destroyed my sister.”
Irritated, I stood and placed a few bills on the bar.
“Are you here to take a shot at me? Go ahead but I can assure you it won’t fucking touch the blow she landed.”
“Why don’t you tell her that?” He said unaffected.
“Why am I explaining myself to you?” I said through gritted teeth.
“That’s a good point, why aren’t you explaining yourself to her?”
“I tried. She knows how much I love her, I made sure of it. And she knows me. She knows me better than anyone else on this earth. And she’s the only one.”
“But that’s not true, is it? If you’re hiding behind a wife.”
“Obviously you’ve never married the wrong woman. And I’m not hiding behind shit. And you don’t know shit, so say your obligatory shit and fuck off.”
Oliver released his cufflinks and began to roll up his sleeves.
“There are only a few things in this world I give a damn about and my sister is the first, so you will be explaining yourself to me, asshole.” He scowled at me with eyes the color of hers as he spoke. “Abbie’s a good woman. A little naive, a little bit crazy, but she’s never intentionally hurt anyone in her life and she doesn’t know her worth. I’m guessing you were the only one smart enough to figure it out and show her as much and then dumb enough to walk away.”