by Nikki Paris
To my surprise, not a single kid made a smart ass comment about my stutter. None of them looked at me with contempt or annoyance either. Huh. Maybe kids weren’t completely terrible.
“H-h-hi D-D-Dani!”
I turned at Marshall’s adorable little voice. He strode toward me with a big toothless grin. Oh, shit. He smiled like Connor. He was going to be a lady killer when he grew up.
“Hey, bud!” I smiled and waved. Amy stood beside him, but not Connor. I didn’t know if I was relieved or disappointed. “Hi, Amy!”
“Hi, Dani! Good to see you!” Amy smiled.
“G.” I tapped Gia’s shoulder. “This is Marshall and his mom, Amy.”
Gia gave them both a big smile. “Welcome! Marshall, I’m just showing the kids where to stand for their play real quick, and then I’ll show you around! After that, we’re going to try on some costumes and play games. You’re more than welcome to join!”
Amy smiled. “That sounds fun! Go on, buddy.” She gave Marshall a gentle shove to get him to step away from her.
I hopped down from the stage and reached for Marshall’s hand. “Come on. I promise it’ll be fun. And Gia is m-my best friend. I’ve known h-her since I was your age, and she’s never made fun of m-my stutter.”
Marshall nodded and took my hand. I led him up the stairs and onto the stage. He gripped my hand with surprising strength but loosened his hold just a little when Gia gave him her warm, friendly smile.
Little by little, the tension in Marshall’s body dissipated, and he joined the other kids in trying on costumes. I hopped down off the stage once he was comfortable and sat beside Amy in the front row.
Amy smiled over at me. “He looks happy up there. Thanks again.”
“No problem. He’s g-got a long hard road ahead, but he’s a special k-kid.” I smiled as I watched Marshall laugh at one of Gia’s jokes.
“He is,” Amy sighed. “I’m always so relieved when other people see it, too. I’m afraid that so many people won’t be able to see past his stutter and get to know his heart.”
I glanced over at Amy and said, “He will d-definitely run into that, but those people aren’t w-worth knowing anyway.”
Amy gave me a half-smile and reached over to squeeze my hand.
“Have you talked to Connor lately?” Amy’s question felt totally out of the blue.
“Uh… No, I haven’t.” How much did Amy know? I sure as hell wouldn’t tell Tanner about a drunken one-night-stand, but maybe Connor and Amy had a different relationship.
“Hmm…” Amy tapped her chin. “He hasn’t been answering when I call him. He’s still alive, right? Like you’ve seen him?”
“Um, I-I-I saw him for a second when I was leaving the g-gym a few days ago, so as of then, he was alive. We don’t really hang out, though.” I forced a laugh and turned back to watch the kids on stage.
Amy rolled her eyes. “He likes you, you know? He teases the shit out of the people he likes.”
My heart raced, then Amy continued, “He sort of shut everyone out after Callie. It’s like he doesn’t believe he deserves to be happy anymore.” Amy sighed. “Has he told you about Callie?”
“A little.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“It’s been over two years, and he hasn’t even been on a date. I think I’ve been pushing him too hard according to a timeline that I think is healthy for him.” Amy chewed on her thumbnail. “I just want him to be happy. Before all this bullshit happened, he laughed and teased all the time. That’s why I got so excited when he brought you over and lovingly called you a pain in the ass.” Amy shook her head. “I saw a little bit of the old him for a second.”
Amy looked over at me and saw the shell-shocked look on my face. She laughed and put her hand on my arm. “I’m so sorry! I’m spilling all of my worries on you, and I hardly know you! You probably think I’m nuts!”
I laughed. “Not at all.” Then I cleared my throat. “Connor doesn’t like me, though. I honestly am a complete p-pain in the ass. He j-just loves M-marshall a lot and would do anything to help h-him.”
Amy raised a single eyebrow at me, just like Connor always did. “Oh, honey. He likes you. He’s just afraid he’s not allowed to.”
I opened my mouth to disagree again when Marshall called out, “Mom! C-c-can I be in the the the p-play? Gia s-s-says I c-can if if if you say it’s o-o-okay.”
“Yeah, baby! Of course!” Amy smiled at her son, and then she turned back to me. “He hasn’t been this excited about something in so long! I might start crying!”
“It’s okay if you do. My mom cried when I found acting.” I laughed and then felt a little pang in my chest.
I couldn’t just give up on acting. It was the part of me that made me feel alive. As soon as I got home, I’d search for any and all auditions in the area, no matter how small. I didn’t need to sit around feeling sorry for myself anymore, damn-it.
After the rehearsal ended and all the kids left, Gia sank into the auditorium seat next to me. “Soooo, his nephew is adorable. And it seems like you and his sister are BFFs.”
I rolled my eyes. “Amy and Marshall are great.”
“Girl, are you still not talking to him?”
I laughed out loud. “Nope. We’re playing this f-fun avoiding g-game. I think we’re even better at this one than the pissing each other off g-game.” I stared down at my hands and picked at the pink nail polish on my thumb. “His sister thinks he likes me.”
Gia rolled her eyes. “Duh.”
“All right, let’s drop the C-Connor stuff, yeah?” I didn’t want to talk about Connor anymore. Even if he did kind of like me, sexually speaking, we weren’t ever going to be a thing. He specifically said the words “Callie. I’m not ready.”
Gia nodded and then nudged me with her elbow. “Would you be willing to volunteer here on Saturday mornings? I could use a hand with this crazy bunch of kids.”
I looked over at Gia, at her kind green eyes and messy brown curls. “Fine.” I groaned and covered my face with both hands. “But only because I love you, and you’ve always been there for me. And a little bit because Marshall’s my little buddy, and I want to help him.”
“Yay!” Gia clapped her hands and pulled me in for a hug. “It’ll be just like old times, love!”
I smiled and leaned my head on Gia’s shoulder. “I-I’m g-going to look for auditions w-when I get home. You know, small roles, just to get back out there.”
“Good. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you.” I smiled at my best friend. I’d spent the last few months feeling sorry for myself, but I was pretty damn lucky. I had people who stayed proud of me, even when I wasn’t proud of myself.
20
Connor
It looked like Dani took the office job she’d been complaining about the night we slept together. She usually left her apartment right at 8:30 am, dressed up in boring office attire that covered up way too much of her gorgeous body.
I wanted to rip those button-up shirts off of her and bury my face in her tits. Those pencil skirts and dress pants needed to go, too.
And I needed to stop thinking like that.
Once I figured out Dani’s schedule, I made sure I left my apartment at 8:15 am, so I wouldn’t have to see her. She was almost always home before I was, but I had to watch out for her dog walking schedule, too. I figured that out pretty quickly. It was safe to get home and go up to my apartment at 5:45 pm.
But staying away from Dani wasn’t helping. I still thought about her constantly. I couldn’t get her gorgeous body out of my head, or her laugh, or her eyes. I couldn’t stop thinking about her soft golden hair and the way her skin felt against mine.
I wanted to feel her again, but sober.
Shit.
It didn’t help that I found her lacey black underwear bunched up at the bottom of my bed when I changed my sheets. What the fuck was I supposed to do with them? Knock on her door and give them back? Throw them away? Women’s underwear was e
xpensive, wasn't it? Washing them and keeping them sitting on top of my dresser was creepy, right?
I washed them and left them sitting on top of my dresser.
Fuck.
At least I didn’t hold them while I jerked off… yet.
◆◆◆
Jessie knocked on my office door. I sat up with a start. “Come in.”
“Uh, Connor? The family with the bunny has been waiting for over twenty minutes. Are you going in?” Jessie gave me a concerned look and adjusted her glasses.
“Shit.” I rubbed my eyes. I’d fallen asleep at my desk. I hadn’t been sleeping much lately. I used to lie awake, thinking about Callie and everything I lost. Now I lied awake thinking about Dani and everything I could have again, as long as she didn’t hate me. Those thoughts mixed with guilt and self-loathing and resulted in severe insomnia.
“Is everything okay?” Jessie’s voice was soft.
I sighed and rubbed my temples. “Yes. Everything’s good.” I stood and pulled my lab coat on. “Jessie, I’m giving you a raise. This practice would be shit without you.” I patted her shoulder as I walked past her toward exam room one.
I opened the door and saw a mother with her two children sitting in the hard plastic chairs against the wall. A little girl with blonde pigtails cradled a white bunny in her arms.
“Hello, guys. I’m so sorry about that wait.” I held out my hands to the little girl holding the bunny. “May I?” I smiled at her.
The girl nodded and handed me the bunny.
“What’s her name?” I asked.
“Fluffy,” the girl answered.
Of course it was named Fluffy. “That’s a great name.” I smiled. “What’s wrong with Fluffy?”
The mom spoke up. “Well, she’s not eating or playing. She just kind of lies there all day.”
I nodded. “Okay, how long has she been acting that way?”
“About a week. When we first got her, she used to be full of energy, and she’d eat a ton. We can’t figure out what’s wrong.”
I checked the bunny’s vitals and did a quick examination. It looked healthy, aside from the beginnings of dehydration and malnutrition. “Has she been spayed?”
The mom nodded. “She already had that done before we got her at the pet store.”
I was pretty sure I knew what was wrong with Fluffy—bunny depression. “Is Fluffy all by herself? Does she have any other bunny friends?”
The mom frowned. “No, we just have the one, but we give her lots of attention.”
I nodded. “I’m sure you guys take great care of her. But, bunnies are very social animals that need to be around other bunnies. Her vitals are good, and she’s not showing any signs of illness, so it leads me to believe that Fluffy is experiencing some depression.” The irony of the situation didn’t escape me. People needed to be around other people, too. People needed companionship and connection, or they would also fall into depression.
The mom’s frown deepened. “So, you think we need to get another bunny? You honestly think that’s the problem?”
“I do. I know it sounds a little crazy, but an animal’s mental health is just as important as its physical health.” Again, the irony was clear as day.
“Can we get another bunny, mom?” The other kid spoke up, a little boy with a Minecraft baseball cap.
“Um… “ The mom looked at me with uncertainty, then at her two children that were giving her some pretty convincing puppy dog eyes. She sighed and then nodded. “I guess we’re stopping at the pet store before we go home.”
I passed the bunny back to the little girl and said, “If it doesn’t help, and Fluffy’s eating and activity don’t improve in a few days, give me a call, and we can run some more extensive tests.”
The mom nodded and shot me a look that said, “Damn you for making me buy another bunny.”
I just gave her a polite smile and waved as they walked out. “Have a good one, guys.”
As soon as they were gone, I slumped down on my stool and let my smile slip away.
“You’re not okay.” Jessie stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips.
I sighed and looked up at her. Jessie would know. She’d watched me show up to work completely hungover for months after Callie’s death. She’d canceled appointments for me when I was in no condition to treat animals, and she’d even stepped in and cared for animals when I was an emotional wreck.
I shrugged and met her concerned gaze. “I’m afraid to move on, Jessie. That’s all. But I’m sorry for putting extra strain on you again. It’s not fair to you. I’ll pull it together.” I stood to leave, but Jessie blocked the doorway.
“Connor, it’s okay to move forward, you know? It really is. It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting her or that you don’t love her.”
Again, Jessie would know. She’d lost her first child when he was only a couple of weeks old. That kind of shit would have broken me, but Jessie and her husband were tough. They moved forward and had three more little boys. I let out a deep breath and said, “Thanks, Jessie.”
When I got home from work at exactly 5:45 pm, I headed straight up to my apartment. I didn’t pause to longingly look at Dani’s door like I had been lately. I went inside and pulled a white box from a shelf in my closet.
I carried the box to my kitchen table and pulled out each item one by one. I spread out the photos of Callie, her wedding ring, her favorite purple tank top, her sketch journal, her handwritten copy of her wedding vows, and the thumb drive with all the videos.
I could feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes. “Cal,” I whispered. “I miss you.” I held the tank top to my nose and inhaled, even though it no longer smelled like her. “I need to tell you something.”
This was crazy bullshit, talking to a ghost, but I didn’t know what else to do. “I… I met someone, Cal. She’s a huge pain in the ass, but I like her. She makes me laugh, and she’s really brave and tough. She makes me feel like maybe I could be happy again.”
I rested my head in my hands and let a tear fall. “But I don’t know how to let her in without letting you go. I can’t let you go.”
Nothing but silence greeted my confession to Callie. I glanced around my dark, lonely apartment and let out a shaky breath. I picked up each item and placed it gently back in the box. I didn’t feel remotely better, but really, what was I expecting? Did I think Callie would appear in my kitchen and say, “Babe, it’s okay that you fucked the pretty blonde across the hall. It’s okay that you might be falling for her. Go ahead and forget me. I give you my blessing.”?
Fucking hell.
I carried the box back to my closet and slid it onto the top shelf. On my way out, I spotted Dani’s sexy panties sitting on top of my dresser. I was about to grab them and angrily toss them in the trash when my phone rang in my back pocket.
Amy.
I’d been avoiding her calls like the fucking plague. I knew she’d push me to talk to Dani. If she knew I’d already slept with Dani, she’d throw a goddamn party. I ignored the call and sank onto my bed.
Amy called again. After I ignored that call, she sent a text. I have some news, asshole! Call me!
I rolled my eyes and picked up my phone. “What?” I said as soon as Amy answered.
“Hey, there, sunshine.” Her voice was deadpan. “I just wanted to let you know that you’re going to be an uncle again in March, but you know, if you’re too busy for that shit, I’ll let you go.”
I should have said, “Wow, congrats!” Instead, I said, “You let Devin touch you again? I thought you stopped doing that when he broke out the flannels.”
I could almost see Amy rolling her eyes. “You’re an ass.”
“I know.” I smiled, just a little. “Congrats, Aims. I’m happy for you guys. How does Marshall feel about being a big brother?”
“Uh, we haven’t told him yet. It’s still pretty early, so we’re waiting to tell him until I get a little further along. I don’t want to stress him out if something goes
wrong, you know? He’s doing so well with speech therapy, and I don’t want to throw him off.” Amy was talking fast like she was crazy stressed out. “Speaking of Marshall, would you do me a huge favor and pick him up from the Children’s Theater on Saturday? He started doing a play with Dani, and he loves it so far, but I have a doctor’s appointment and—”
“Aims, slow down!” I cut her off. “You’re talking like a crazy person right now.”
“Well, Connor, maybe if you would answer your damn phone, I wouldn’t have a million things to tell you every time we talked!”
I sighed. “I’m sorry. I’ll answer. I’ve just been dealing with some… stuff. And I’ll pick up Marshall on Saturday. Don’t worry about that.”
Amy let out a long slow breath. “Thank you. Will you stay and hang out after?”
“Sure, Aims.”
I hung up the phone and pretended I wasn’t thinking about seeing Dani at the theater.
21
Dani
I greeted Amy and Marshall at the door of the Children’s Theater on Saturday morning. Marshall looked nervous. He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, and his pretty brown eyes darted around the auditorium.
“Hi, Dani!” Amy gave me a warm smile. “Thank you so much for coming again.” She pulled me in for a hug and lowered her voice, “I think Marshall has a little crush on you. You drive all the boys in my family crazy.”
My heart raced. Amy thought Connor liked me. Connor wouldn’t even speak to me. I laughed and said, “Oh, it’s no problem at all. Marshall’s so sweet!” Unlike his uncle. Fuck his uncle. Oh wait, I already did that.
Amy lovingly brushed the light brown hair from Marshall’s forehead and leaned down to kiss his cheek. “Have fun today, buddy! And don’t forget, Connor is going to pick you up when you’re done because I have some boring grownup stuff to do today.”
My stomach dropped. Whatever, just because Connor was coming to the theater, it didn’t mean I had to talk to him. We’d been doing a standup job avoiding each other while living across the hall.