by Toni Shiloh
GUY TAPPED HIS THUMB against the steering wheel while continuing to stare out the window. He didn’t want to go in. Just go in and get it over with.
“Man, they won’t bite.” Evan said. “Just walk inside and everything else will fall into place.”
Guy stared at him skeptically. Did Evan not realize he hadn’t socialized in over three years now? Three years. His last Bible study had been when Charlene was five months pregnant. The next month, she’d been placed on bed rest. Once the girls came, his time had become solely theirs.
“The longer we sit here, the longer it will take for Bible study to be over.”
Guy opened the door and jumped out of his SUV. Evan’s laugh reached his ears as he made his way to the trunk, where Evan’s crutches were stashed. The need to bolt thrummed steady in his chest, but he made a promise to Evan. And he was a man of his word...or at least wanted to be.
Guy made sure to match his gait with Evan as they walked up the sidewalk toward Darryl’s house. While they waited for someone to answer the door, he put his hands in his pockets. Hopefully, it would signal a casual air and hide the fact that his feet felt like lead.
Darryl opened the door. “Yo, G, I can’t believe you’re here! Get in here, man.” Darryl, gave him a hug, accompanied by a back clap. He was surprised at how strong his friend had become. His lunch threatened to come back up with the pounding on his back.
“Hey, D. How’ve you been?”
“Good, good. My practice is doing so well that we’re looking for another doctor to join our team.”
“Congrats, man.” He smiled stiffly. “You’ve done well.”
“So have you, Sheriff.” His friend nudged him in the ribs and cracked a laugh.
If Guy didn’t know any better, he’d think Darryl was trying to get back at him for ignoring his calls. The hug and the nudge were just a little too rough. But he refused to show it. “Please, tell me the ladies did the cooking and not you.”
“Sppppsh. I can grill. Especially in the spring time.”
“He does all right.”
Guy froze at the sound of the sophisticated voice. He would recognize it anywhere. He turned and gave a nod to Michelle. “Hey.”
He stared at her, at loss for words. Even though he’d been prepared to see her, it in no way lessened the full impact of her presence. The red dress she wore gave her an ethereal quality as if she held mysteries he desired to answer. He blinked and a fist clinched in his pocket. Why was he thinking about her like that? His lunch curdled in his stomach and struggled to make it the rest of the way up. “D, where’s your restroom?”
Darryl pointed down the hall. “First door on the left.”
He rushed out of the room, feeling like the ghost of Christmas past chased after him. Only the ghost was his late wife. For a moment, he had wondered. Wondered what his life would be like if he hadn’t ditched Michelle. If he had remained a gentleman.
Guy turned on the faucet and splashed water over his face, but it didn’t help. He still felt hot. Still could see how much the red color deepened her honey-smooth skin tone. He slammed his hand against the wall.
“Charlene, Charlene, Charlene,” he muttered. The words fell like a benediction, but he knew he wasn’t talking to God. He was pleading with his brain to recall any memory of his wife. Any memory at all so his body did not betray her memory.
But didn’t you betray Michelle first?
Guilt clamped his mouth shut. He stared in the mirror, noting the dark bags under his eyes. His temples had begun to sprout a few gray hairs. A new one seemed to appear each year on the anniversary of Charlene’s death. Just so happened it coincided with the twins’ birthday.
He inhaled, slowly exhaling as he gave himself a mental pep talk. You can do this. Listen to what they want to say and leave. Then you’ll be done.
A knock sounded on the door startling him out of his reverie. “We’re about to bless the food, G, you coming?”
“Be right out, Darryl.” He grabbed a paper towel off the counter and wiped his face and dried his hands. “Here goes nothing,” he whispered.
Chapter Six
Michelle watched as Chloe turned the pages in her Bible. She was proud of her friend. The girl overcame a past that would cripple most people. No matter how many times Michelle studied the Word, she couldn’t imagine having the courage to lead a Bible study.
Lord, please help my girl out. I know she’s nervous, so please give her the words she needs. Thanks.
She bit her lip as the prayer ended. Talking to Him still felt weird. Even if it was for the benefit of someone else. Michelle sighed. Who was she kidding? Praying for others was the only thing she permitted herself to do. She had no right seeking prayers for herself. Not after what she’d done.
Ever since her conversation with Jo, her mind had been relentless in reminding Michelle of her sins. Years of stuffing it down and one little conversation brought it right back to the surface. It had been the biggest mistake of her life. If she could somehow go back and undue it, she would. But time offered no rewrites. She was stuck with the weight of her choice, her sin. And I can’t atone for it.
But wasn’t that what forgiveness was all about? Didn’t God offer grace for people’s sins?
“Tonight, I want to study grace.” Chloe’s voice started softly but ended on a strong note.
How did You do that? What were the odds? She stared down at her phone, baffled by her churning thoughts.
“Why grace?” Jo asked.
“Because I don’t think we understand what it means.” Chloe answered.
Darryl frowned. “It means to go easy on another person.” He looked around the table. “Doesn’t it?”
They all chuckled.
“That’s my point, exactly. We all have different beliefs of what grace means based on our life experiences.” Chloe paused, her brow wrinkling in concentration. “I believe if we truly understand what it means according to God, then our lives will be lived out differently.”
Michelle swallowed. Suddenly, she had a feeling tonight’s study wouldn’t simply be enlightening. She twirled the ring on her right hand absentmindedly as she did an internet search on the definition of grace with the other hand. “I’m seeing words like favor.” She looked up and her gaze connected with Guy’s.
He quickly looked away.
He still can’t look at me.
“Nice try, but that’s not what the Bible tells us.” Chloe smiled delicately. Everything the girl did was wrapped in goodness. Even when she was overbearing.
“Okay, Chloe, tell us what it means.” Evan smiled at her, offering encouragement.
“The Greek word for grace is charis which has many meanings. Let me read this one definition “of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues.”
“Wow,” Jo breathed. “So, it’s like an ongoing thing, right?”
“Yes,” Chloe beamed.
Michelle wanted to laugh at the look of pride on Chloe’s face. She was such a mother hen. God love her.
“I want to read a Scripture I think we all need to know. It’s Romans 5:20.”
Michelle typed it into her phone and read the words. What? Her heart picked up speed as she reread the words.
“‘Moreover, the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more.’” Chloe’s soft voice filled the silence.
What does this mean? Was it possible grace could cover her sins?
“How many of us have ever felt we had a sin that couldn’t be forgiven?” Chloe raised her hand. “I know I have.”
“You have?” Michelle couldn’t prevent the words from escaping.
“Of course I have, Chelle. I’m not perfect. But this right here, says I don’t have to be, because God will cover me with His grace. The greater the sin, the greater the gr
ace.”
Michelle quickly looked down, praying the tears that had suddenly appeared would not escape. How could this be possible?
“What if...” Guy cleared his throat as he stared at the table. “What if you didn’t necessarily do something, but had a thought so horrid, it’s etched in your mind forever?”
The soft lilt of his voice washed over her. His Haitian accent remained the same as it was ten years ago, only accompanied by a deeper tenor. The tremors in his voice raised her curiosity. What could he have possibly thought that would have him questioning God’s grace?
“Well, Scripture teaches us some thoughts lead to sin, so if you feel it was a sinful thought, then it’s covered by His grace.” Chloe stared at him solemnly.
Michelle wanted so badly to ask him what was wrong, but they had long since stopped being confidants.
She blinked at the sudden sadness filling her heart. When was the last time she had been in a relationship that allowed her to confide her deepest thoughts and secrets? Michelle looked around the table surrounded by her friends. How would they treat her if they knew her secret? The thought sucked all the moisture from her mouth, leaving her feeling like she had just run a marathon.
“What about other people?” The words tumbled from her mouth as her heartbeat pounded in her ears.
“What do you mean?” Evan asked.
Guy stared at her. “She means will others offer grace so freely.”
She nodded, amazed he could still read her. Then again, maybe he was projecting onto her.
“We’re called to behave like Christ. Unfortunately, people are fallible and may not offer grace so freely. But that’s their sin and not yours.” Chloe met her gaze.
A tear slid down Michelle’s cheek before she could stop it. “Excuse me,” she scooted her chair back and walked as calmly as she could to the restroom, but she knew they were watching. Her back felt the heat of their gazes as strongly as if Superman had used his x-ray vision.
GUY HAD TWENTY MINUTES to kill before he had to pick up his girls. He waved to Evan as he climbed back into his SUV. Part of him felt obligated to pick the girls up and give Nana a much-needed rest. The other part of him, the tired part of him, yearned for a few minutes to unwind and digest what he had heard tonight.
Evan had wanted to know his thoughts, but his mind was too convoluted with information to have a coherent conversation just now. Instead he’d promised to call his friend once his mind finished processing. It would buy him a few days before Evan came knocking.
His vehicle made its way around Freedom Lake, all the while his mind raced. To think God’s grace would cover anything was a little hard to swallow.
Why, because you can’t forget what you thought?
He scowled. What kind of man hated their kids? Even if it hadn’t lasted long? Even if he made the effort to be the best father he could be. Despite that for a few agonizing months, he had hated their very existence. Hated that Charlene had died to give them life.
Like Christ?
A shudder rippled down his body as the hairs on the nape of his neck stood at attention. His wife had loved their daughters before they even drew their first breath.
Guy parked the car near his favorite bench and got out. He gulped in the fresh air. Why had she given her life for theirs?
You know why.
Guy steeled himself against the images rolling through his mind like a marquee. But it was no use. He could still see Charlene singing “You are My Sunshine,” to her belly. He could see her as she labored. He recalled the whispered plea before they raced her off to the operating room, “Don’t blame them. Love them well.”
He rose from the bench as a tortured yell tore from his lips while tears spilled down his cheeks. “Why did You take her?!”
“Guy?”
He whirled around, his chest heaving. Michelle walked closer, hesitant in her steps. It was almost as if she appeared out of the night’s shadows.
“I didn’t realize anyone was out here.” His voice came out low and raw.
She stepped closer to him and he eyed her warily. “I take it Bible study got to you.” She folded her arms across her chest, studying him.
It had been more statement then question. A bitter laugh erupted. “Something like that.”
Her eyes shifted back and forth as if searching for a question. “Would you like to talk about it?” she asked softly.
In a flash, he was eighteen years old again and meeting her for their secret rendezvous. The ones where they shared their hopes and dreams. Shared on a bench in front of the lake. The very bench he was at now. A memory rose vividly in his mind.
“You want to be a FBI agent?” she asked incredulously. “I thought you were going to say a basketball player or something.”
He snorted. “Those statistics equal lottery chances. No,” he said with a shake of his head. “I want to be a Special Agent and make the world a better place.”
“Why?” She held up a hand. “There’s nothing wrong with that, but why do you care?”
He stared down at his hands. “Because one day I want to bring kids in this world, and I want to know they have a chance for survival.”
Well he had done it, brought two girls into the world, but Guy wasn’t so sure it was a better place. “I don’t really know what to say.” He stared at her, noting the goose bumps on her arm. He shrugged out of his leather jacket. “Here, you’re going to freeze.”
She looked at his jacket suspiciously.
“It won’t bite. It might even keep you from rubbing your skin raw trying to warm up.”
“I get the point.” She took his jacket and slipped it on.
He sucked in a breath. It looked perfect on her. He rubbed his eyes and turned to look at the lake. Anything to get the image of his jacket wrapped around her body out of his head.
“Why don’t you start with why you’re shouting at the sky? Or were you talking to God in such a manner?”
He laughed at her cultured tone of voice. She only used it when highly amused and trying not to show it. How do I remember that? Then again, maybe she wasn’t amused but actually curious.
“I was talking to God.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t understand why some people get to live and some don’t.”
She snorted. “If that’s not one of life’s biggest mysteries, I don’t know what is.”
He hung his head. How could he have forgotten who he was talking to? Michelle lost both of her parents in a matter of minutes. He still remembered when she showed up at his house in tears. The heartache glittering in her eyes had been his undoing.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Why not? It’s true.” She waved a hand in the air. “Just because my parents died doesn’t make your statement any less true.”
“But it makes it insensitive.”
“Since when do you care about my feelings?”
He stared at her in shock. His mouth snapped shut when a fly came too close to the gaping hole that had showcased his bewilderment. “When have I ever not cared about your feelings?”
His stomach dropped to his feet. Before she could formulate her answer, he knew what she would say. Guy wished he could recall the words, but they were there, suspended in the air, like the scent of spring. He backed up, tensed as he waited for her response. The fury that filled her hazel eyes as she glared at him, fueled the heat climbing up his neck.
“Did you really just ask that?” Her tone filled with bitterness, slapping him in the face.
“I’m sorry.”
“Now you are.”
He winced. It was true. If he could go back in time, he’d give her a proper good-bye. But you would have still left her. “Michelle, I—” he stopped short as she held up her right hand.
Was that the ring... He stepped closer.
“Back up.” She snapped.
However, the anger in her voice didn’t penetrate his thoughts. All he could focus on was the silver ring on her right ha
nd, glistening in the moonlight. The memory of it had him reaching for her hand.
“What do you think you’re doing?” She tried to yank her hand back, but he held on tight.
“Why do you still have this?” He stared into her cat-like eyes. The strain of his emotions hoarsened his voice to where he didn’t even recognize it. Why did she keep it?
Her eyes widened in horror. “Let go,” she said in a stark whisper.
“Not until you tell me why you still have this ring.”
She shook her head vigorously and tugged at her hand. “Please, Guy, let me go.”
At the sound of his name on her lips, he dropped her hand as if it had bit him. She whirled around and scurried off.
Chapter Seven
The sink continued to fill with bubbles as Michelle tried frantically to slide her ring off. Of all the times for him to notice it, why now? She bit the inside of her lip as she scrubbed soap around her ring finger in vain.
After a few minutes, Michelle finally shut the water off. It was no use. It hadn’t come off in thirteen years. Why would it be any different now?
“Because he saw it and is going to place more significance on it.”
Don’t you?
“Maybe,” she whispered.
She had tried to take it off a month after he had left, but it refused to budge. Over time, it had become like a second appendage. She never noticed it anymore; however, Jo and Chloe teased her for twirling it around her finger.
You’d think if she could twirl it, the thing would come off. But it refused. It was like it had a mind of its own. Never budging past her knuckles.
And now he’s seen it.
The knock on the door made her jump.
“Michelle, are you all right?”
She attempted a laugh but it quickly turned to a whimper. “Just having trouble getting this ring off.”
Jo came in the bathroom. Her friend looked from Michelle’s soapy hands, to the sink, and then met her gaze. “What is going on?”