by KE Payne
I was panicked—a bit like a rabbit caught in headlights—but Han said Caroline was so drunk she wouldn’t notice if we stripped off and shagged right there under her nose (so to speak). Sure enough, Han slung a casual arm over my shoulders, nuzzled her face in my neck and kissed my neck loudly and all Caroline did was hiccup and try to focus on her feet. I felt a bit better then, and, I’m almost ashamed to say, slightly titillated at the thought we nearly got found out…
I think given the opportunity, I could turn into one of those exhibitionists that are always on the front cover of the Sunday papers waggling their bits and pieces about.
Monday 29 October
A whole week off starts today!
Took Great Aunt May back to Autumn Leaves. Her room looks very nice, I have to say, but it still pongs of cheap paint a bit. All her knick-knacks and photos had been taken down, so she got a bit upset, cradling her photo of herself and Great Uncle Ralph on their motorbike and sidecar until it was covered in greasy thumb marks. She cheered up considerably when he was hammered back up on the wall, and so we all went down to the dinner room then to have a celebratory slice of cake to mark her return home.
Tuesday 30 October
Han decided to go and get her eyebrow pierced today. Her mum, true to her word, didn’t renege on their agreement, and handed over the money for it without so much as a whimper! I just know that if that had been my mum and dad (not that they’d let me have my eyebrow done in a million years), they would have conveniently ‘forgotten’ about the agreement, then refused to talk about it.
The guy in the shop looked like he’d be happier sitting astride the back of an oily Harley-Davison rather than piercing body parts, but he had clean fingernails and nice teeth, and seemed to make a good job of it, and I was pleased that Han only squeaked a little bit when he actually did it!
It looks really cool, but she jerked her head when she was being pierced and it bled a bit, and now she’s got dried blood in her eyebrow hair and it’s a bit off-putting. She said it hurts like buggery and she can’t raise her eyebrow, but she seems pleased with it, ’cos I keep catching her looking at herself in the mirror.
Wednesday 31 October
Mum and Dad went out tonight and left me to the mercy of all the Halloween trick-or-treaters knocking on our door, threatening to firebomb our house. I put some red devil’s horns on Barbara and sat her in the lounge window to frighten everyone away; it must have worked ’cos we only had three callers, one of whom was Jamie from down the road who came round with his mum (who was dressed in a damn sexy Dracula outfit!!)
I wanted to put a pumpkin in the window too, but of course Mum had forgotten to buy one, so I hollowed out an apple and put a birthday candle in it, but it fizzled and died within about five minutes. Then I got moaned at later on by Dad for wasting an apple. He’s such a dictator sometimes!
Thursday 1 November
Picked up the new car today, and it’s wicked! It’s an MPV and there’s, like, soooo much room inside. He took us for a spin out into the countryside and it felt like we were sitting in a minibus! So high up! He seems really pleased with it ’cos when we got it home, he started washing it. I asked Mum why he’d want to wash it already ’cos it would have been valeted at the showroom, but Mum just looked pityingly at Dad and told me to leave him be ’cos he was happy.
I must say, he looked extremely happy—the simplest things, hey?
Friday 2 November
HRBH came back from Italy tonight, worse luck! At least she didn’t come home with some Italian in tow.
She dumped her luggage in the hall and went out to cast her expert eye over the new car, then came back in and declared herself pleased with it ’cos she said she’d be able to get all her friends in it. Dad laughed a hollow laugh at that one.
Saturday 3 November
OMG! Me and Han have had our first lovers’ tiff!! Not bad for a couple who’ve been going out with each other for five months and seven days! We were up at the park, sitting out on the grass and I just got to this point where I wanted to kiss her soooooo badly but knew I couldn’t, so I harrumphed and made some flippant comment about wishing I was straight so I could enjoy being in a relationship, and she went into a right bad mood! Okay, maybe I could have chosen my words better and it came out wrong, but I knew what I meant and she took it the wrong way. She went all dead sulky and said something like, ‘Do you wish you weren’t gay, then?’ and I said, ‘Sometimes,’ which is a bit of a lie, really, ’cos I’ve never really given it a huge amount of thought (like most things—ha ha ha).
Anyway, she just went, ‘Fine,’ and got up and walked off!! I jumped up after her and asked her what was the matter, but she went into silent mode and got this look on her face which I knew meant she wasn’t to be messed with! So we walked home in silence, with me not knowing what to do. When we got nearer her house, she sat down on a wall and started picking at her fingers. She said to me, ‘Do you still want to go out with me?’ What a question! I said, ‘Of course I do! I adore you,’ and she cheered up a bit. She asked me why I’d said I wish I was straight and I told her I just thought life was easier for straight people, because they could be affectionate with each other in public. It didn’t matter what people thought of them, and they just had it a hell of a lot easier. That’s my opinion anyway.
She said to me that she’d never given it a thought, never questioned her gayness ’cos she was completely comfortable with it, and so hadn’t ever wished she was something else. I said I was comfortable with who I was as well (at long last), but I just thought my life might be easier if I wasn’t who I was. But that wasn’t to say that I wanted to be different ’cos I was very, very happy in my life. This was all very profound for me, so I was kinda relieved when she ran her hand up my leg and told me she was sorry for stomping off at the park, but that she’d been worried that I was having second thoughts about going out with her. I told her the day me and her got together was the happiest day of my life, and that every day I loved her more. That cheered her up no end!
So lovers’ tiff over as quickly as it started, thank God! Do you know, for a Goth—sorry, EMO—she’s a bit of a sensitive pansy sometimes.
Sunday 4 November
Han came over today and brought me a bunch of flowers!! She thrust them in my hand and said, ‘For you. To say sorry for being such an arse yesterday,’ then looked down at her booted feet. I think being sheepish and apologetic doesn’t sit easily with Han ’cos I noticed she was blushing when she said it. I took the flowers and told her no one had ever bought me flowers before and she grinned at me and said, ‘Well, I won’t be making a habit of it. I got a reputation to keep, y’know,’ and winked that damned sexy wink of hers at me.
We had, like, this marathon kissing session in my room whilst Mum was making lunch, and I thought the fight with Han was worth it if only for the making-up afterwards!!!
Monday 5 November
It’s Bonfire Night so me and Han went to the fireworks display at the university. It was wicked! They’d set up a fair there with rides and stalls and stuff, so we went on the big wheel and held hands as it went round. I was slightly scared when we got to the top in case she was still mad at me over our tiff and tried to push me out of the car, but told myself I was being ridiculous (but clung on tight to the side of the car nevertheless).
We lit sparklers and wrote our names in the sky until an officious student in DayGlo tabard came over and told us to extinguish it ’cos it was a fire hazard. Han drawled sarcastically, ‘Oh yes, because of course fireworks aren’t a fire hazard, are they?’ to which the student replied, ‘Just put it out and belt up, will you?’ How eloquent! And these people are our future doctors and lawyers?
Tuesday 6 November
Caroline is having a sleepover at her house next weekend ’cos her parents have gone to Wales on a bird-watching weekend. Whatever turns them on, I suppose. I have to say, two days sitting in a draughty shed in the rain watching for the merest hint of feathers isn
’t my idea of fun, but it’s good news for all of us ’cos it means we get to have a fun weekend at Caroline’s.
Wednesday 7 November
HRBH has gone back on a diet!! Actually, she’s calling it a Health Drive rather than diet ’cos she says the word ‘diet’ has such negative connotations and she only has to think about being on a diet and it makes her want to reach for a packet of Pringles. We were watching an article on the news tonight about how it’s important to have a varied diet, and how it’s best to have a variety of coloured foods every day, but when I pointed out that Smarties have a variety of colours, she shot me a look that told me not to mess with her!
Why does everything that’s supposedly good for you have to be so yucky? I don’t get vegetables. I figure if God (or Charles Darwin—depends on who you believe in) had wanted us to eat lots of vegetables he’d have given us teeth like the were-rabbit in Wallace and Gromit. He wants us to eat M&Ms—that’s why he gave us little diddy blunt teeth. End of.
Thursday 8 November
Han got hauled into Mrs. Unwin’s office today ’cos she forgot to take her eyebrow ring out!!! Apparently Mrs. Unwin told her that she ‘might like looking like some Hell’s Angel, but the school certainly doesn’t’, and ‘what on earth would members of the public think if they saw a girl in a St Bartholomew’s uniform wearing an eyebrow ring?’ Han said it was on the tip of her tongue to say they’d probably think it was a cool school to go to, but she said the look on Unwin’s face was enough to make her think twice.
Han removed her ring but I noticed she had it back in when we walked home tonight, with a defiant look on her face that even old Mrs. Russell in her heyday wouldn’t have wanted to mess with.
Friday 9 November
Caroline told me today that she’s posted a message on her Facebook page about the party tomorrow. I had NO idea what Facebook was, so asked Han about it when we were on our own later ’cos I didn’t want Caroline to think I was a complete prat!!
Han laughed and said, ‘Oh, everyone who’s anyone’s on Facebook these days—didn’t you know that?’ to which I replied (kinda indignantly), ‘Err, no. Are you on it, then?’ and she said (a bit too breezily for my liking), ‘Of course! I’ve got loads of friends on there. I thought I told you about Facebook ages ago?’
Friends? Facebook?? I told her she might as well have been talking Swahili for all I could understand but she got one of those looks on her face again and just said, ‘God, you’re, like, so naïve sometimes, aren’t you?’ which made me bristle a bit, before adding, ‘But that’s what I love about you,’ and pushing a strand of my hair from my eyes when she knew no one was looking. I felt my tummy flutter and forgot about her unfair words, but still made a mental note to check out this Friends/Facebook thing when I got home from school, whatever it might be.
Saturday 10/Sunday 11 November
Weekend at Caroline’s
Han came over first thing this morning and told me she’d got a treat for me for later. I looked quizzically at her, and she leant over to reveal the skimpiest, blackest, sexiest bra I’ve ever seen!!! After my heart had returned to its normal beat, I said to her ‘You can’t wear that! You’ll drive all the hormone-infested boys there tonight wild.’ Han said, ‘They’re not going to see it, silly! This is for your eyes only.’
OMFG!! Can you imagine how hot it’ll be knowing she’s wearing it, and it’s all for me? I laughed and said, ‘You’re lucky I’ve got a strong heart, y’know,’ and she said, ‘And YOU’RE lucky you have such a hot girlfriend,’ and grinned at me. Can’t argue with that!
Anyway, we went over to Caroline’s around sixish and the whole gang was there. Ems had had a tiff with Ryan, so he wasn’t there, thank God, but it meant she spent the whole evening snivelling and pouring her heart out to Matty, who looked like she just wanted to seek out the vodka in the kitchen and get drunk!
Alice turned up too and smiled weakly when she spotted me in the corner with Han, then headed out into the garden to talk to Caroline. I wondered if I ought to follow her and talk to her, ask her if she was okay seeing me and Han together, ’cos this was the first time she’d seen us together since all that shit in France happened, but then I remembered Han’s black bra and didn’t want to do anything that might upset Han and prevent me from seeing her in it later. I’m so shallow sometimes.
Anyway, later we watched this really crap horror movie about a bunch of teenagers who get lost in a wood and then get stalked through the wood by some crazed axe murderer called Kevin. Personally I would have thought they could have thought of a more menacing name for an axe murderer, but there you go. Whenever he caught anyone, Kevin would skin his victims, accompanied by blood-curdling screams. Han leant over to me and whispered, ‘I’m all for seeing movies with girls’ bare skins, but it’d be better if the girls actually had their skins still on their bodies.’ We turned all the lights off to add to the atmosphere, which made Caroline whinge a little bit. Han held my hand in the dark, linking her fingers in mine and stroking the inside of my palm with her thumb, making me very sleepy.
I peered in the dark over to where Alice was sitting and suddenly noticed she was getting it on with some boy called Vince who’d come with Charlie. It felt weird watching Alice kissing him so I stopped and carried on watching the movie but I couldn’t help wondering why she was doing it if she was only telling me not long ago that she fancied me? Maybe she was drunk? Maybe she’s still pissed off at me and this is her way of trying to show me she’s moved on. But with a boy??? [/queasy/].
I tried to concentrate on the movie, but it had started to descend into farce a bit, with bodies being axed left, right, and centre, so we all sat and threw popcorn at the telly and booed and hissed every time Kevin came on screen wielding his bloody axe. Then we told ghost stories for a bit to freak each other out, but then we got bored and decided to go to bed. I couldn’t see Alice anywhere but figured I didn’t want to sleep too near to her anyway, just in case she tried to get into my sleeping bag in the night or something (if she was that drunk she was willing to kiss Vince, she might do anything), so I put my sleeping bag next to Han’s over in the corner and put some cushions round us, kinda blocking us off from the others.
Matty sidled up to me and said she didn’t want to sleep next to Ems, ’cos she’d be banging on all night about Ryan, and Matty wouldn’t get a wink of sleep. So she asked me if she could sleep next to me. Han slung a lazy arm round my shoulders and said to Matty that I snored a lot, and did I really want to be kept awake all night with that instead? I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. Matty thought about this for a minute before gathering her High School Musical pyjamas and bedding, and slinking off into the corner of the room to sleep alone.
Me and Han found a perfect little spot between the sofa and IKEA footstool-cum-CD rack. I was disappointed that it was pitch black in the room so I didn’t get a good look at her skimpy bra, but she let me have a good feel of the lace in the dark. I must have drifted off into one of those light sleeps pretty much straight away ’cos the next thing I was aware of was the sound of heavy breathing coming from underneath Caroline’s mum’s faux oak coffee table at the other end of the room. I lay there for a while in the dark, listening to this breathing getting heavier and heavier, when it was suddenly punctuated by a low groan!! I hissed at Han to wake up and she stirred and whispered ‘What??’ at me, rather grumpily I thought. I said, ‘I can hear something! Listen!’ and we lay there looking at each other, listening to this breathing getting faster and faster. I said, ‘Do you think they’re okay?’ and Han sighed and said, ‘They will be in a minute.’ I said, ‘You what?’ and she sighed (again) and said, ‘They’re having sex, dopey!’ My eyes widened in the dark and I stifled a giggle. I said to Han, ‘Who do you think it is?’ and peeked out over my sleeping bag, trying to get a glimpse. Han yawned and said, ‘Well, judging by the irritating little squeak she just made when she came, I’d say it was Alice. Now go back to sleep.’
Alice! Doing it! Wi
th Vince (presumably)! Right there in the corner of the room! Has she no shame? I spent the next 20 minutes listening to Han wriggle and sigh next to me, until finally she rolled over and whispered, ‘Can’t sleep. Got the horn,’ in my ear. I told her to forget it. Alice, whom I’d always thought of as being such an innocent girl, might have the morals of an alley cat, but I sure as hell don’t! Besides, I’d have been too worried someone would hear to concentrate on the—er—matter in hand!!
Monday 12 November
Thought about Alice doing it with Vince over and over again (that is, I thought about it over and over again, not Alice and Vince doing it over and over again—shudder) and wondered why she’d done it. Thought about texting her but, bearing in mind we’ve barely spoken to each other in nearly four months, I thought I could hardly text her out of the blue and ask her why she was shagging him, could I?
I wish there was someone I could talk to about it, but there isn’t. If it was a case of a boy fancying me and me not fancying him back, or something like that, then I could talk to Matty, or Ems, or Caroline about it. We’d have a good laugh about it, think it funny that he chose to get over me by shagging someone right under my nose (so to speak) then forget about it. I can’t do that. I can’t talk to anyone about it, and I can’t seem to forget about it either.