by KE Payne
Either way, it’s way too confusing for me to think about too much right now!
Wednesday 28 November
HRBH was telling me some more stuff about Joe today. She met him when she went over to the uni bar with her friends a couple of weeks ago and he was playing in his band. Their eyes met across his drum kit apparently. She told me she really liked him (I KNEW it!) and that she’d already slept with him, and that the sex was—and I quote—‘amazing’. Yuk, yuk, yuk! This is toooooo much information!
She also told me that she was trying to get Joe interested in Buddhism too, but he told her he was ‘too rock ’n roll for all that mellow shit’. She said she’d work on him and chant mantras at him or something.
Thursday 29 November
HRBH came into my room tonight and told me she was planning to spend the weekend that Mum and Dad are away over at Joe’s. She hissed at me, ‘So you better make sure you get one of your cronies to come over and baby-sit you, ’cos I won’t be here and if Mum and Dad find out you spent the weekend alone I’m for the high-jump. So sort it.’ What a result! I sooooo wanted to say to her, ‘Like I give a shit where you’ll be? My girlfriend’s coming over anyway and we’re gonna spend the whole weekend in bed,’ but I just smiled sweetly at her and said, ‘Whatever.’
Friday 30 November
What a shit day!! I think me and Han are finished, and it’s all bloody Alice’s fault. Me and Han were having our lunch together and I started to tell Han about my conversation with Alice about Vince the other day, because what she did has been eating me up a bit and I’m fed up with having to carry the guilt and worry around with me. I told Han that Alice had said she regretted sleeping with Vince and then blurted out that I wondered if she’d done it for my benefit. I laughed as I said it, to try and make light of it, like, but…OMFG! She went right off on one, demanding to know what I’d meant. So I mentioned (as casually and as vaguely as I could) about what had happened between me and Alice in France last summer, about how I thought it had been a flash in the pan and had tried to forget all about it, but then had begun to wonder if the business at Caroline’s party had been Alice’s way of either getting over me or getting back at me. I don’t remember my exact words, but I told Han (quite flippantly, I thought) that Alice had had a crush on me and that although I’d been horrified about it at the time, now I thought it was quite funny.
Oh boy, what a mistake! She went mental, asking me why I hadn’t told her at the time. I said it was because she was just about to go to Portugal when it happened, and that I’d tried to sort it all out myself and that I’d thought it was irrelevant since me and Alice hadn’t seen each other since she told me, and anyway, Alice had then slept with Vince. Han made out that I’d kept it from her because something had actually happened between me and Alice, and I told her not to be ridiculous. She got up and without another word, walked off back into the school building, just like when she’d walked off in the park that time before. This time I didn’t go after her ’cos I was so gobsmacked at her reaction and, if I’m honest, a bit pissed off at her.
I didn’t see her for the rest of the afternoon ’cos we didn’t have any lessons together, and I’ve heard nothing from her all evening. I don’t want to ring her because, if I’m honest again, I’m shit scared about what she’ll say to me. So now I’m lying in bed, willing my phone to light up with a text from her but so far, nothing.
Saturday 1 December
Still haven’t heard anything from Han. I don’t know what to do! I don’t see why I should have to be the one to contact her, ’cos as far as I can see I haven’t done anything wrong. But then I know she’s as stubborn as hell, and she’ll probably be thinking the same thing. I sent Alice a text ’cos there’s no one else I can talk to about it, and told her that me and Han had had ‘words’. Alice replied and asked me if I wanted her to contact Han, but I thought that was probably just about the worst thing she could do.
I’m miserable. I love her so much that sometimes it hurts. I thought love was supposed to be fun. If I’d known it would cause me this much pain, I would have just stayed celli, sellybat, cellibut, well, I would just have stayed single.
I just love her. Why can’t she see that? How could she possibly think I’d have eyes for anyone else when all I think about is her? She’s with me all the time, she’s in my head day and night, I miss her when she’s not around, I get butterflies in my tummy every time I see her, every time she texts me, every time I hear her voice and yet she still thinks I could be after someone else!
Seems I’m not so hot at this relationship stuff after all! What the fuck am I supposed to do??!
Sunday 2 December
I’m tying myself up in knots over all this and I don’t know what to do for the best. I know I should contact Han and try to explain, but there’s some stubborn voice inside my head telling me I’ve got nothing to explain to her ’cos I haven’t done anything wrong. How can we be finished when it feels like I’m only just getting to know her? How can she just cut me out like this and not care? Maybe I didn’t mean as much to her as I thought I did? But she’s everything to me and I’m so sodding miserable it’s unreal. I was talking to Alice about it today and Alice said she thought Han was overreacting and I have to say I agree. I tried to make some joke to Alice about never getting involved with another woman but I don’t think she found it very funny.
I’ve just spent probably the most miserable weekend of my life, looking at my phone every five minutes, willing her to text me, not knowing what to do. Mum asked me if I was okay today ’cos I’ve been so quiet so I just told her I had a headache. I’m going to try and grab Han tomorrow at school, I’ve decided.
Monday 3 December
Managed to catch up with Han in morning break. She looked as miserable as I felt. I said, ‘We need to talk,’ and she said, ‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ which wasn’t a great start! I asked, ‘Why haven’t you contacted me all weekend?’ and she just shrugged. ‘I needed time to think.’ (!!!) She looked sad and said, ‘I gotta go. I’ll catch up with you later,’ and walked off to her next lesson.
I didn’t see her for the rest of the day ’cos she disappeared somewhere at lunchtime. Matty and Caroline asked me if me and Han had had an argument, ’cos they were detecting ‘an atmosphere’ between us, but I just smiled my best smile and brushed off their questions. Alice asked me later if we’d sorted stuff out, and I shook my head miserably. I wanted to shout at Alice that it was all her fault me and Han were having this hassle, but there wasn’t much point. I finally took the plunge and rang Han tonight but her phone was off, so here I am again, lying in the dark, willing my phone to ring, and wondering what the hell I can do to get us out of this mess.
Tuesday 4 December
I went into school early today so I could wait for Han before registration. I’m fed up with feeling like shit over something so trivial, and I wanted to get it sorted. So I pulled myself up to my full height of 5-foot-4 and told her I needed to see her at lunchtime, and I wouldn’t take no for an answer. She agreed to meet me round the back of the Science block at 12:30.
While I was waiting for her at 12:30, I ran through all the things I’d thought I’d say to her, but when she turned up she just stood in front of me and said, ‘What did you want to say?’ and I was shocked by her coldness. I said, ‘I just wanted to sort all this mess out, thassall,’ and she just grunted something back at me. I said, ‘I would never have told you about Alice if I thought you’d react like this,’ and she said, ‘How did you expect me to react when my girlfriend tells me someone else is after her?’ I told her she was being ridiculous, and that Alice wasn’t after me. It had all been something and nothing, and Alice had slept with sodding Vince since then anyway, and would she sleep with sodding Vince if she was still interested in me?! Han didn’t like being told she was being ridiculous, and did the whole ‘Oh, forget it’ malarkey and turned to go.
That’s when I surprised myself and bellowed, ‘Not until we’
ve got this sorted,’ not caring if anyone heard us. She came back and I said, ‘You do want to sort it, don’t you?’ and she mumbled something back at me, which annoyed me so I said, ‘So do you want us to finish over this?’ and she looked horrified (which pleased me) and said no. She said, ‘Every time I fall for someone, someone else comes along and takes them away from me.’ I thought it was neither the time nor the place to ask her if she’d fallen for lots of people, so I just said, ‘No one’s taking me anywhere. Not without a helluva struggle anyway,’ and I saw the tiniest hint of a smile from her (thank God). I said, ‘If you could just hear how daft all this is! Alice just had a blip when she thought—thought—that she might fancy me, but she obviously still doesn’t like me ’cos she wouldn’t have hopped into bed with Vince if she did, would she?’ I said that there wasn’t a single ounce of me that thought Alice remotely attractive, adding for good measure that sometimes she drives me nuts (which is true), and I couldn’t think of anyone more unlikely as a girlfriend (which is also true).
Then I hit Han with a double whammy, telling her she was everything I’d ever wanted, that it felt like I’d waited my whole life for her and that there was no room in my heart for anyone else, ’cos my heart was so full of her! I tell you, I could write romance novels! She said, ‘I’m nuts about you, Clemmykins, I don’t think you realise quite how much,’ and my legs went weak. ‘I think about you 24/7. Sometimes I love you so much I feel like I can’t breathe, that’s what you do to me. The thought of someone else fancying you just tears me up and makes me go a bit barmy, I think,’ she admitted. I told her that I was nuts about her too, that she’d made me the happiest girl in the world and that there was no way I was about to give all that up for someone else (and certainly not Alice!!!). I also told her I’d never even so much as looked at anyone else since she’d come on the scene, which is true.
I haven’t looked at or thought about J since me and Han got together. My head’s so full of Han that I don’t have room for anyone else, and that’s exactly how I like it. There’s no comparison between Han and J, and sometimes I can’t believe I wasted so much of my life chasing after someone who didn’t even know I existed half the time.
I think Han was feeling a bit sheepish by now, ’cos she said she was sorry for not contacting me all weekend, and was sorry for being such a cow, and was sorry for making mountains out of molehills and for overreacting. She asked me if I was going to dump her and looked hard down at her shoes, as if she didn’t want to face me. I told her of course I wasn’t going to dump her, quite the opposite—I thought she was going to dump me, at which point she grabbed my hands and said she’d die without me (which I thought was a bit melodramatic but kept shtum—she is an EMO after all, and they’re always banging on about death and the like). Then she said she wanted to kiss me! I said we couldn’t do it at school, but secretly wished we could. Han grabbed my hand and told me to come with her, and I got a little shiver of excitement at her forcefulness, which was a bit perverted I guess, but I followed her anyway. She took me round the back of the Science block, where there’s a sort of blind spot where you can’t be seen from any angle from the school. It’s where all the little Year 7s go to have a smoke ’cos they haven’t yet discovered that they can hop over the wall down by the tennis courts and go into the cemetery next door. After kicking all the bum ends out the way, Han looked round furtively to make sure no one was coming, and gave me possibly the best kiss I’ve ever had. I felt lost in her, oblivious to anything else, and I dare say if it wasn’t for the fact we heard some little shits coming, giggling in anticipation of a crafty fag, then I could have stayed there all afternoon kissing the face off Hannah Harrison!!
So, dear diary, all’s well that ends well. I’m lying in bed and my phone has lit up with dozens of texts from my lovely girlfriend telling me I’m the best thing since sliced bread and how much she adores me. At least I’ll sleep better tonight!
Wednesday 5 December
Had a crap night’s sleep ’cos kept waking up and wondering what the best thing used to be before sliced bread was invented.
Texted Alice first thing and told her that me and Han had sorted things out. She replied with a text that just said, ‘great’. I was talking to her about it during Biology this morning as well and I told her me and Han were back to being all loved up, and that it had all been a storm in a teacup. I didn’t tell her that I’d barely eaten during the four days me and Han didn’t speak.
I thought Alice looked a bit pissed off when I was telling her all this, which annoyed me a bit, I have to say. I would have thought that, bearing in mind it was all her stupid declarations towards me, and her acting like a prat at Caroline’s party that caused all of this, she would have at least had the grace to be pleased for me. Sometimes I’m so unforgiving, but I nearly lost my girlfriend over all of this, so I think I’m entitled to be just a bit unforgiving!
Anyway, I’ve got my appetite back now, thank goodness, so caught up with four days’ worth of advent calendar chocolates.
Thursday 6 December
Today went in a blur. Lessons have been packed with things to do and things to learn, almost like the teachers have suddenly realised we’ll be doing our final year exams soon and have run out of time to teach us everything we need to know! Have been given yet another pile of homework to do for next week as well but I keep putting it off and going online to talk to people and check out if anyone’s left me a message on Facebook, rather than learning about Nazi Germany or Statistics or Othello, or whatever crap they want us to learn.
Mum and Dad are off for their romantic weekend tomorrow. Mum has packed enough to survive a month in the rain forest, while Dad has sensibly opted for a small overnight bag. She’s packed insect repellent, even though she’s going to France in December! I noticed Dad take it out of the wash bag but hastily put it back in when Mum came into the room.
Anyway, they’re flying over there at two o’clock tomorrow afternoon, so that means they won’t be here when I get in from school, which will be a bit weird ’cos one or the other of them always makes sure they’re here when me or HRBH come home from school/college. Mum has left us enough food in the fridge to feed an army, and Dad has left us a small pamphlet, it would seem, full of instructions and phone numbers and what to do if we have a power cut, or a plague of locusts infest the house, or if we find an unexploded WW2 bomb in the garden or some such.
Friday 7 December
HRBH caught up with me as I was walking to school and told me she was going straight over to Joe’s after college and wouldn’t be back all weekend, and that if I blabbed to anyone I’d be dead meat. She asked, ‘Now, you’re sorted out for the weekend, aren’t you? ’cos I won’t be back till Sunday. I don’t want you ringing me tonight telling me you’re on your own.’ I said, ‘I’m sorted! I’ve got people round all weekend,’ and she seemed satisfied with that. She said, ‘Right, have a good one,’ and walked on (heaven forbid she should be seen out walking to school with me!) Good to see the Buddhism’s mellowed her [/sarcasm/].
Caught up with Han before morning register and as I walked past her I whispered to her, ‘The dragon has flown’—by that I meant HRBH, not Mum—‘you’re all mine till Sunday,’ and grinned as I turned back to look at her. She called out ‘Tease!’ and I noticed she’d gone red, which pleased me greatly.
Today dragged on and on and on. Why is it when you’re soooooo looking forward to something, time moves like a tortoise with a heart condition? And when you don’t want time to go by, it races off like a hare on steroids? Got ticked off by Mr. Spencer in Science for knocking over my Bunsen burner, but it wasn’t my fault! I was distracted by Han leaning over to me and whispering ‘Wanna feed me strawberries in bed tomorrow morning?’ in my ear. What’s a girl to do?!
We stopped by Han’s house on the way home so she could pick up her stuff. She put in a few things of each, saying that she wasn’t expecting to wear many clothes all weekend anyway, then fished out the skimpiest, l
aciest, blackest set of underwear I’d ever seen and held them up to me, asking ‘You like these?’ I spluttered and nodded like some demented idiot, and she grinned lazily and put them in her bag. As we were leaving the house, her mum called out to her and asked her if she had everything she needed. Han called back ‘Yup. Underwear and a toothbrush—that’s all I’ll need.’ Her mum’s a nurse. She’d understand.
2:40 a.m.
The black underwear was much appreciated by me! Han is downstairs getting drinks (replacing lost fluids). Am shattered and utterly, utterly in love!!!
Saturday 8 December
Had a really lazy Saturday morning wrapped in each other’s arms. We went downstairs, Han wearing my nightshirt, which turned me on something chronic, and I saw that Mum had bought croissants for me and HRBH as a treat. Felt awful and hideously guilty. We made coffees and heated up the croissants and took them back up to bed, Han licking the crumbs off my tummy, which made me giggle.