by King, C. M
I looked up into his strained face as a single tear slowly rolled down my cheek, to which he gently brushed it away with his thumb.
“Don’t cry over me, Iz. I’m not worth it.” His sad smile reflected the pain he kept buried deep inside.
I squeezed his hands tighter. “Yes, you are, Joel. I will always be there for you. Please remember that, if you ever need to talk, just ask.” I silently willed him to believe my words. I wanted to be there for him more than anything.
“Iz, I need to tell you something.” Fear flashed across his face. I smiled reassuringly, pleading with him to go ahead.
My eyes gazed deep into his, hoping to hear the words I’d dreamt every night.
I held my breath waiting.
His mouth slowly opened, and my eyes grew wider in anticipation.
“Joel.”
Fuck.
At the sound of Mike’s voice, we both sprang apart. “There you are. We’re heading into town now, are you coming?”
A look of hesitation crossed his face as he glanced at me.
Please choose me.
I saw the anxiety there in his face, the internal struggle of deciding just who to disappoint.
I silently willed him and begged him with every breath to stay.
“Yeah, it’s getting quiet, let’s go where there’s more action.”
Mike grinned with obvious delight. “We should be in for a good night.” He smirked, winking at Joel.
Repulsion spread through me, and I scowled at Mike’s words. I dropped my gaze to avoid him spotting the obvious look of disappointment in my eyes.
“See you later, Iz,” he whispered.
I let out a large sigh, looking up as I watched him walk off with Mike. The smug smiles of the bitches winning their trophy back now burnt into my brain. I glanced at my watch, it was just after midnight. I had officially turned back into Cinder-fucking-ella.
Chapter 4 – Changes
Voices filtered through the room as I took my place for Sunday lunch. Right now I would rather stick pins in my eyes than be forced to look at Joel. But the only other option was to listen to my mother screech on about how I needed to eat more. That option was far less desirable, so I reluctantly took my seat, hoping that I would soon be put out of my misery.
Mike was being more vocal than usual. His voice was like nails down a blackboard, every syllable loud and irritating. I shot him a look of disgust, but he remained totally oblivious. He was animatedly chatting away, describing every little detail of his hook up from the night before. His wide grin made me want to punch him repeatedly, even more so after his unwelcoming interference last night.
Even subconsciously he had the power to piss me off. He was a constant pain in the butt, sticking his nose where it truly wasn’t welcome. I hated how much control he had over Joel. Why was he so weak that he couldn’t say no? I felt the knife twist again, reminding me of his rejection. The tiny piece of hope I had held onto had evaporated, vanishing into nothing but despair.
I stifled a yawn, disguising the fact my night was long and restless. It had been filled with intense, dark dreams of Joel. Even in sleep he haunted me, teasing me with something that would never be mine.
My finger circled the rim of the glass absentmindedly, trying to block out the inane chatter. I lifted my eyes to take just one peek to satisfy my curiosity. Allowing myself one moment to look at him, only to find Joel’s eyes locked on me, watching me closely.
I took in a sharp gasp of air at the intensity of his eyes boring into mine. They softened slightly after a few beats, but they held a look of concern. His lips curled up into a shy smile, but I didn’t reciprocate and caught his frown as my eyes dropped back down.
His eyes seemed genuinely sincere, but I knew the pattern, the routine. He had no doubt lived up to his player role, scoring another girl the moment I was out of sight, out of mind.
I clenched the knife tightly in my hand, feeling the blade dig uncomfortably into my skin. I had set myself up for another fall, and boy was I tumbling.
Joel’s eyes remained fixed on me throughout the meal, but mine stayed locked on the plate. Focusing on eating enough to appease my mother. I didn’t need her suspicions raised any further by my lack of appetite. That would mean her interfering and meddling in my business, and that just wasn’t happening.
I knew he was anxiously waiting for some sort of sign. A smile. A look. But I refused to give him one. The selfish part of me wanted to punish him for the way he had treated me last night.
When all the plates were collected and cleared away, I knew I’d be left listening to their in-depth details of last night’s conquests. I needed to leave and fast. Despite my attempts to evade Joel, he was like a magnet still drawing me in.
My eyes unwillingly flashed up to Joel, who was still staring, almost silently pleading with me. I remembered how good it felt last night looking deep into those big blue sapphire eyes. How my heart rapidly beat with joy, now they just caused it to ache.
I quickly broke the contact. If I stared any longer, I’d lose whatever little self-control I was barely grasping onto. I needed to leave while I still had the strength to.
“I can’t believe you didn’t bang Chloe last night. She was laying it out for you on a plate. What is up with you, Joel?”
What?
My eyes snapped up and locked with Joel’s. He held my gaze for several seconds before turning back to Mike.
“I told you, I didn’t want to go there. I don’t have to get with someone every time we go out, you know.” He shook his head in mild irritation as Mike glared open-mouthed at his response.
I was pretty sure mine was wide open too.
My eyes stayed locked on Joel. Was it because of me? Was I part of the reason behind last night? My words having some affect after all?
Mike scoffed at his reply. “Sorry, Joel, but has someone taken over your body? That’s the main reason we go out.” He laughed, slapping him playfully on the back.
Joel blushed, dropping his head down in embarrassment.
My anger levels skyrocketed in two seconds flat. “Maybe Joel wants more than just to screw girls. Maybe he wants to find the right person,” I shouted, glaring at Mike.
Joel’s eyes instantly found mine, and he smiled.
“Yeah, whatever, Iz. I give it a week, and he’ll be back to normal,” Mike snapped back looking smug before sipping on his drink.
My brother was such an idiot.
How could we possibly be related?
I wanted to throw my drink in his face to wipe that smug smile off it and punch it for good measure.
“A leopard can change its spots,” I yelled, jumping up from my chair enraged by Mike’s comments.
“Why are you so interested in Joel? Half the time you can’t stand him!”
Shit.
Think of something.
But my mind went blank. I blushed snatching up the lemon meringue pie off my mother walking back through, using it as a welcoming distraction to leave. I couldn’t bear to be here a moment longer, Mike would soon recognise the signs. I knew he was a little slow, but at this precise moment my eyes were a dead giveaway.
Storming through my bedroom door I threw the pie down onto my desk. I no longer had an appetite after that conversation. I hated Mike, but that was nothing new. I just wanted to know the reason why.
Was it because of me?
The welcoming sight of my bed enticed me. I flopped down hard, grabbing a cushion and clutched it tight as my teeth nervously chewed on the corner.
Was it something to do with the moment we had shared yesterday?
I shouldn’t let myself get carried away, that other factors could have been involved, but suddenly a spark of renewed hope began to grow inside me.
* * *
As the weather grew increasingly colder, my dependency on hot chocolate spiralled out of control. I couldn’t help it; chocolate was my addiction, and the one place that made the best hot chocolate bar none was J
oel’s pub. Desperate to find out answers and to curb my cravings, I decided to head over and pay Joel a visit.
Nerves overtook me as I stood outside. I allowed myself a few deep breaths to contain myself before walking in.
Cranking the door open, I was greeted with the glorious sight of Joel leaning sexily over the bar.
Holy shit.
I stood there dazed, drinking in every single delicious inch of him.
He was dressed in his usual work attire. The cherry red work T-shirt bringing out the intense blue in his eyes and showing off his tattoo sleeve to perfection.
God, it was so sexy.
I had to remember to breathe.
He was too engrossed in his crossword to notice me enter, busy chewing on the end of his pen in frustration, looking deep in thought.
The sight of him alone made me lose the ability to function. I wanted to stare at him forever, and I doubted I would ever get bored.
The seconds slowly ticked by and I knew I had to move, to force one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe.
Walking towards him I took in the full effect of the refurbishment. It was so different now, looking more modern and stylish. The dirty old scratched stools and benches had been replaced with fancy sleek black leather chairs and shiny glass chrome tables. The walls were now a deep shade of purple, covered in graphic retro wall art. Thankfully the old musty carpet had long gone, replaced with a highly polished dark wooden floor. The whole place had more of a modern friendlier vibe, having finally been brought into the twenty first century, and boy had it needed it.
The beat of my heart grew stronger as I allowed myself a couple more seconds to appreciate Joel and all his glory.
Was it possible he’d become more beautiful in the last few days? Every time I saw him it was like the first, and each time he always managed to take my breath away.
“Hey Joel,” I chirped brightly, climbing up onto the leather stool.
His head snapped up from the newspaper, and he gave me the most breathtakingly gorgeous smile that lit up his eyes. It had me almost falling off my seat and melting into a puddle on the floor.
Breathe, just breathe.
“Hey, what a nice surprise! What can I do for you today?” His eyes held a cheeky glint as he suggestively raised his eyebrows, which made me smile even more.
“I’d like a hot chocolate, please, and don’t scrimp on the cream and marshmallows either this time,” I warned, using a stern voice.
Joel pretended to look shocked clutching his chest in mock disgust, acting like I’d wounded him, which made me giggle.
“As if I would? I’ll give you extra just to make up for it,” he said winking, and his hand cupped my chin lightly for a few moments.
Whoa.
My breath hitched slightly before he walked off.
Did that just really happen?
My hand brushed against the skin where his hand had been only moments before. I wanted to launch myself over the bar and kiss him with every breath I had.
I needed to calm down.
What I needed was a cold shower, not a hot chocolate.
He returned a few minutes later with the hot chocolate in hand. I laughed hard at the sheer size of it. He must have squirted half a can of cream on it. It was loaded with mini marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles. My eyes widened as I licked my lips slowly in anticipation.
I was officially in chocolate heaven.
“Will this do for madam?” he asked, placing the hot chocolate down. He did an overly exaggerated bow making me giggle again. When he stood back up our eyes locked, and I felt the familiar pull between us.
I laughed, attempting to drink it. “I think you’ve gone a little overboard here, Joel.” I chuckled, licking the cream off my lips.
He smiled, leaned over, and slowly wiped a small blob of cream from my nose with his thumb. “Well, I had to prove a point.” He winked as he slid his thumb into his mouth, sucking the cream off slowly.
God, I wished I was that thumb.
My cheeks flushed and every dirty thought about Joel filtered through my mind. I felt the heat rise inside me.
I needed to calm down.
I couldn’t let him notice the reaction his teasing had over me, that would be far too embarrassing. But I’d definitely replay that moment over and over again in private.
But not here. Not now.
To save myself any more embarrassment, I changed the subject fast. “So how were the Foos?” I asked. There was an air of annoyance in my voice. I was still slightly pissed I’d missed out on seeing them live. They were high up on my list of bands I was desperate to see.
“They were amazing, so good live. Have you ever seen them?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
He should already know I hadn’t, but then he never really took an interest in my life. I was the young geek that kept herself locked away reading books, escaping to places I couldn’t physically venture to in real life.
“No,” I snapped back a little too quickly. I took a long sip of my hot chocolate hoping the creamy, sweet goodness would help keep my temper in check.
Joel of course had been to most of their London gigs, which annoyed me every single time. The green-eyed monster always made an appearance, listening to him and Mike regale their many tales. Most of which included hooking up with women as well, which was double the torture.
“You should go see them, I highly recommend them.” He grinned, oblivious to the fact he was rubbing it in even more.
I scowled throwing down the spoon so it rattled against the saucer. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried, tickets were like gold dust every time they went on sale.
Joel frowned at my display of annoyance. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked grabbing my hand, his thumb gently caressed against my skin.
Oh god.
He was touching me.
I had lost the ability to speak.
My attention was focused on the tiny circles he was drawing with his thumb on the back of my hand.
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter,” I muttered, shaking my head.
I never wanted his hand to leave mine. Ever.
“Aww come on, you know you can tell your friendly barman anything,” he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. He always did have the power of persuasion.
I laughed and snorted together.
NO!
My free hand flew up to my face, and I flushed with complete and utter embarrassment. I couldn’t be cool if I tried.
Joel started to laugh, amusement shining in his eyes, and I cringed. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. I closed my eyes, feeling totally mortified.
He pulled my hand away from my face, holding both together. His thumbs slowly grazed over my knuckles, waiting for me to speak.
“I really wanted to go, but well, all the tickets were sold out.” I stared down at the bar, avoiding his look of pity. I didn’t have his friends or connections to try other means of wrangling tickets.
Joel squeezed my hands to make me look at him again. “Hey, you could have come with me. Why didn’t you say anything? I could have gotten you a ticket.” His eyes stared deep into mine, looking genuine enough. But he was only saying it to make me feel better. No way in hell would he want me around while he hit on all the half naked girls there.
“Yeah right, you wouldn’t want me tagging along, cramping your style.” I pulled my hands away, but he held on tighter.
He drew me in farther so we were barely inches apart. “As if! I would be the one holding all the guys back from hitting on you.”
Was he seriously taking the piss?
I looked at him in disbelief. “Joel, take a look around, it’s not like I’m fighting them off.” I laughed at the sheer thought.
How absurd!
Then snorted again.
Oh god.
I cringed with embarrassment and leaned my forehead down onto the cold wooden bar in a pathetic attempt to avoid his gaze.
I knew he was
grinning wildly.
Snorting once I could excuse.
But twice?
Yep, just kill me now.
He slowly released my hands and tickled the back of my neck. I twitched slightly with the contact. Oh his fingers felt amazing gliding over my skin. I wondered what it would feel like tickling other parts of my body?
I really wanted to find out.
I knew he was waiting for me to sit back up, but I needed a moment to clear my head. Especially after that last thought.
My cheeks were burning only imagining how good it would be. The blush slowly subsided, and I slowly lifted my head back up so my eyes met his, and he smiled. His hands grabbed mine once again, holding them tight.
“Iz, do you not realise in the short space of time you’ve been here, two guys have been checking you out?”
He was so wrong, what a complete wind up merchant. He was just saying it to try to make me feel better. I didn’t need his pity. He certainly didn’t have to go to the extreme of lying to make me feel good about myself. But I was still enjoying the handholding. Maybe a little too much.
“I’m not making it up. Look over there to your right.” He nodded his head in the direction for me to look. I scowled a little at him, no longer enjoying his joke. His lips pulled up into a grin, motioning with his eyes again.
I did my best discreet over the shoulder glance, and sure enough two guys were smiling back. I snapped my head back around so fast I almost got whiplash.
Oh god, he was right.
I instantly frowned. “Joel, don’t you dare leave me. I’m not interested in them,” I pleaded with him. My eyes relaying my desperation as I clung onto his hands even tighter.
“Hey,” he soothed. “I’m not going anywhere, and if they cause any trouble I’ll pull out the gun behind the bar.” His smile almost split his face in two. Which was probably more to do with the look of horror spreading across mine.