by King, C. M
His eyes widened in surprise. “Fuck, I got to leave before you say more than you should.”
We laughed as he walked away rather awkwardly, it all looked rather painful.
“Well bang goes that idea of being ridden raw.” Olivia pouted.
“Oh I’m sure there’s some other guys that will willingly take Kyle’s place.” I was pretty sure that with her flawless skin and long chocolate brown hair that fell all the way down her back, she wouldn’t sit on the shelf for long.
“Hopefully.” She winked.
Like I said shameless.
“Well if you want bigger then maybe you need to speak to Lucy, because she has on good authority who is packing around here.” I added with a smile.
“Yep, but some might not be able to handle that kind of epicness,” she bragged, acting like it was some kind of achievement.
“Oh trust me, I’ll give it a good go. Maybe text me a list later on,” Olivia replied, grinning wildly.
“That’s my girl, if you want to get over a guy get under another.” Those were my usual words of wisdom. Ones that Brianne was quick to take.
“Very true.” Olivia sighed. She looked like she’d been there and done that many times.
The bell rang signalling the end of lunch, cutting short our conversation. It was probably for the best, putting on a brave face throughout all the humour was rather draining, but I managed to keep up the pretence over the course of the day, despite the fact I was secretly harbouring a broken heart.
Chapter Nineteen
I frantically rushed through the front door. B’s car was parked out front so I knew she was here. In my heart I hoped that it was to tell me she had forgiven me, that she was allowing me to be part of her life again. I was so lost without her. These last ten days had been torture, and I couldn’t bear to be apart a moment longer.
I found both her and my mother deep in conversation which was soon cut short the moment I barrelled into the kitchen.
“B.” I smiled, so happy to see her.
“Hey E.” She attempted a smile herself, but I wasn’t too blind to tell it was forced.
“Elijah, sit down and I’ll make you a coffee, B has something to tell you.”
I immediately frowned and my heartrate quickened at the thought it would be something that I wasn’t going to like.
“E, I’m moving to Newcastle,” she announced, leaving me all but stunned.
“What? You can’t,” I shrieked.
She frowned at my less than enthusiastic response. “It’s all arranged. I can transfer offices through my job, they need someone to help run the new department. They asked me and I said yes. I leave in five days.”
“Five days,” was all I managed to get out.
“Yeah,” she sighed.
“Is it because of me?” I asked, tears quickly formed in my eyes at the thought.
She bit her lip and shrugged. “Partly, this whole business with you and Luke has just been too much. I don’t know who to believe. I just need a clean break, and this job is the perfect opportunity for me to escape it all, to start a fresh,” she explained. I could see where she was coming from, but that didn’t change how I felt.
“But I don’t want you to go, please stay,” I pleaded.
“I can’t, E, it’s all changed. I always looked to you as more than a cousin, you were my best friend too. I would have killed for you. But all that changed the moment you kept that from me. You say you are the innocent party, yet why couldn’t you come to me straight after and tell me. Why did I have to hear from Luke?”
My eyes dropped down to the floor in despair. “Because I told you I was scared to tell you, that you’d believe him over me that our relationship would be ruined.”
“But keeping quiet was just as bad, covering up made me feel like you had something to hide and made me question you for the first time ever. I’ve finished with Luke. I can’t be with someone that I have to question whether or not he is cheating on me with someone else. But as far as you and I go, I need space, E, to get my head around it. The distance will be good for us, and in time, we might get back to where we were. I don’t know. I hope so but for now I can’t make that promise.”
My eyes met with hers as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I hope we can. I’ll miss you, B. I love you with all my heart. I just want you to know that. I’m here if you need to talk, to text. I’m not giving up on us.”
She smiled but it was slightly forced. “Good, I don’t want you to, and for the record, I love you too.” She pressed her lips up against my cheek, and I instantly grabbed her, hugging her hard. Inside I was breaking at the fact I knew this might be the last time I would see her for a while.
“Don’t cry, E, cause then you’ll make me cry . . .”
Her words made me sob even harder. “I can’t help it. I don’t want to let you go.”
She pulled back and cupped my damp cheeks. “But you have to, I need this new start, and if I stay here I might never let go of what happened. I don’t want to carry this anger around anymore. I want to be free of it to live my life. Be happy for me.”
I frowned at her words. “It’s hard to be happy knowing I’ll miss you so much.”
“Hey, we can FaceTime if you need to see my pretty face.” She winked, trying to lift the mood.
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
Her face dropped a little. “I know but it’s the best I can do for now.” She gave me a look that signified just how much pain she was going through. I knew I needed to let her go, to have time to herself. I just prayed that eventually she would come back to me, because I couldn’t even contemplate losing her forever.
* * *
B left shortly after. The tears had pretty much flowed since her announcement. As she left, she told me off and that I needed to keep a lid on it, which was so typical B, but I saw the tear that rolled down her cheek as she quickly swiped it away thinking no one had noticed. I cried hard for the next hour. It was my only way of letting out all the grief and anger for what I’d lost. I hated Luke for what he had done. He had destroyed everything I had in his decision to lie about his actions. My mother had come in, hearing my sobs and wrapped her arms around me whispering over and over that it would be alright, but I knew it was far from it. I had lost B and was almost certain Ollie was no closer to forgiving me. His silence spoke volumes, and I was scared at what his actual answer would be. Would he just willingly walk away from everything we had? I must have fallen asleep as when I awoke, the light was fading, and my mother had disappeared. I could hear soft music coming from downstairs so I knew she wasn’t far away, but the only person I wanted right now was Ollie.
I picked up my phone and texted him, explaining about B leaving and that I needed to see him, to speak to him. I knew I would have to fight to get him back in my life. My hope was soon shattered when I received a text almost instantly back.
I can’t forgive you for the lies, I’m sorry it’s over
My eyes ran over the words several times before they finally registered. I felt my heart shatter again at the thought that I had officially lost both of them now. The tears soon came thick and fast and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up so I was free of this torture, but I knew I wasn’t that lucky.
* * *
The next two months were almost a blur, the only way I was getting through it was spending the majority of the time drunk. I hid it well from my mother. She was often out and about in the evenings with all her classes, so I used that time wisely to drown myself in vodka. I had a system, hiding it in places I knew she wouldn’t look. Although waking each morning to a hangover was a major killer, but it was just nice to have a small respite from the pain if only for a few short hours. In that time, I had heard nothing more from Ollie. I had seen him from afar once walking through the park, I was almost certain he had seen me too judging by his swift exit. It really hurt that he could no longer bear to breathe the same air as I did. I knew I’d hurt him by not being upfront, but I
had told him on enough occasions that everything Luke said was a complete lie, yet he still refused to believe that I didn’t have a different agenda. It hurt to think that I would deceive him in such a cruel way. I was beginning to fall fast and hard for him, and the pain was too much to bear. In my heart, I wished I’d never met him then I’d never have to feel this feeling of complete and utter loss. He had only been in my life such a short space of time, yet he had left a hole that was not so easily filled. I was now spending more time with Lucy and Olivia. They were a bad influence in themselves but getting wasted together was easier than being alone. I failed to go into detail what had transpired with Luke just regaling B had moved for a job promotion and with Ollie it had just fizzled out. They were my support system now and brightened up my dark days without realising it.
After one long day at school that had resulted in me failing an assignment, I decided to start drinking early. My life was crumbling around me so my theory was I may as well get wasted to block it out. Normally when I was alone I’d just hide in the safe confines of my room, but today I felt stifled by it all. I needed fresh air. To get out of this prison I found myself in. I placed the half bottle of vodka in my jacket pocket, heading for the place I had grown fond of in my early days of discovering alcohol. Thankfully when I arrived the play park was free of any children since it was after six. I just assumed it would be down to neurotic parents. I took my place on the swing and slowly began to move back and forth as I grabbed the vodka from my pocket and took a long hard swig. The potent liquid burnt the back of my throat, but I’d slowly become accustomed to that fact and welcomed the pain that it brought. I checked my phone in between sips to find nothing. B had kept to her promise and texted at first but as the weeks went by they became few and far between. She was already beginning to forget me and that part really hurt. She was now settled and loving her new job. She appeared brighter in her texts. She called sometimes, but we kept our conversation to a minimum keeping all talk of Luke out of the way. He was still here. I had run into him a few weeks after B had left. I wanted to smash his face in the moment I set eyes on the lying bastard, but my mother had held me back telling me there was no point in giving him any more of my time. He just wasn’t worth it. She was right, but still I would have preferred my way better. He didn’t show any signs of repentance at all. A few weeks later, I ran into him again, but this time I was on my own. I was doing my usual hanging out at the park when I saw him walking through. At first, I chose to ignore him but he was heading in my direction so I knew that was not going to be the case.
“Hey Elijah, how are you?” he asked breezily, like it was an everyday run of the mill greeting.
What the fuck?
“How am I? Why the fuck would you care? You destroyed all I had with your lies,” I slurred bitterly.
He frowned at my not so friendly greeting. “I’m sorry, but it all got to be too much. B wanted more, and I couldn’t handle the feelings I had for you. I couldn’t string her along anymore. I wanted to do right by her,” he explained, like that would be enough to justify his cruel actions.
“What, by lying that I came onto you?” I shrieked.
“I just got caught up in the moment and lied. She went crazy when I tried to tell her about us.”
I grabbed his T-shirt dragging him forward, staring into his eyes. “Let’s get this straight. There is no us.”
His eyes widened at my venomous words. “I just wanted to tell her the truth that I had feelings for you, but she blew up on me, slapped me hard on the face. She was screaming and carrying on, and I just lost it and blurted it out that you’d come onto me.”
My hands dropped down from his shirt. “Yeah, thanks for that,” I hissed in disgust.
He sighed loudly. “I just couldn’t outright admit that I was finishing with her because of another man. I can’t get my own head around it, so I couldn’t expect her to do so either.”
“That’s no excuse for lying, for telling her that I came onto you. You were a coward. You were the one that came onto me, that kissed me, and yet I seem to be the one who lost the most. Why? Do you hate me that much that you want to take everything away from me to punish me because I didn’t feel the same,” I cried, needing answers to why he had done such a despicable thing.
“I don’t know. I just . . . in that moment, it just came out, and I just couldn’t go back and tell her the truth. Yes, I am a coward. I know that, but I can’t let her find out the real reason. I don’t want to have these feelings. I was happy with your cousin, but each time I saw you it only confirmed it more and more that it was all a lie.”
I turned away no longer able to look at him a moment longer. “What you did was unforgivable, it was cruel. If you’re expecting some kind of sympathy from me then sorry, I’m all out. I will never forget what you did. I never want to see you again ever. Just leave me alone.” I headed back to the swing without a backward glance.
“Elijah, please, I’m sorry. You’ll never know how much I want to take this all back to undo it.”
Those were just meaningless words.
“Well you still can. Tell B and Ollie the truth, if you care anything for me then you would. You would make this all right again,” I shouted over my shoulder.
“I can’t. If I tell them then it confirms what I don’t want to know, that I’m gay, and right now, I can’t accept that.”
I swung around in rage. “But you said you wanted to be with me, would you have lived a double life if I had said yes?”
He shrugged in response. “I don’t know—maybe.”
“God, you are just so fucking spineless,” I growled.
“I know. You don’t have to tell me something I don’t already know!”
“Please Luke, do this for me. I need them back in my life. I’m lost without them,” I urged, hoping to appeal to the decent part of him. If there was any.
“I know but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Then just go,” I replied bitterly. I didn’t want to have to speak to him a moment longer. I’d had enough of his lying selfish ways to last me a lifetime.
“Elijah—” he begged.
“Just do me that at least, leave me alone.” I waved him away, pulling out the vodka to continue on with my drinking session.
“I’m so sorry.” He walked off without a backward glance, and my heart shattered as the one little piece of hope I’d held—that he’d finally develop a conscience and reveal the truth had finally been shattered.
Taking another swig of the vodka, I smiled as the effects finally began to take over. The evening air was cool, but I didn’t feel a thing wrapped up in my own little bubble. I loved the escapism one bottle brought. This was my life now, and I yearned each day for this time to feel free of all the hurt and pain, to experience the freedom that alcohol gave me. I leaned back and began swinging. I was too caught up in my own little word to notice that I had attracted quite a crowd.
“Hey faggot boy, what you doing?” a voice called out in the distance.
“Just having a drink.” Even his cruel words could not hurt me right now, I was untouchable. I didn’t have a care in the world when I was this intoxicated.
“He’s as pissed as a fart,” one guy remarked laughing.
It was true. I was loving every single minute of it.
“Want a drink?” I offered the bottle, but Rick just sneered. “Not after your faggot lips have touched it. How many cocks have you sucked today?”
“Oh you know four or five. I forgot to count,” I added, chuckling at my own reply.
“Fucking faggot.”
“Yeah, that’s my name, don’t wear it out.” I went to take another sip but the bottle was knocked out of my hand.
“Stand up,” he commanded.
“Fuck you,” I spat. He grabbed me, almost choking me in the process, bringing his face barely inches away from mine. “Oh honey, if you wanted a kiss you just had to ask.” Within seconds, my body was being slammed against the hard concrete.
“The only thing you’ll be kissing is my fucking boot leather,” he growled.
I made to open my mouth but was quickly silenced when his foot connected with my face.
“Fuck, man, what the hell?” a voice cried out.
“Shut the fuck up. Nancy-boy here has had it coming for a long time, walking around like he fucking owns the place. He needs to learn some manners.”
I groaned when his boot hit me hard in the stomach over and over. Eventually my body reacted to the pain as I tried to curl up tight into a ball. I felt every single kick pierce and slice my body. This was it. No one was coming to rescue me. Everyone I loved had walked away. I felt sad for my mother. She’d take it hard, but maybe she was better off without me. I groaned again as the last kick to the head sent me into the darkness.
Finally, I was at peace.
Chapter Twenty
“I swear to god, E, you had better wake the fuck up from this coma, ’cause if the last time I saw you is when I told you I couldn’t forgive you then I will fucking follow you into the afterlife myself. I’m seriously going to need Botox from all the crying and extra frown lines you’ve given me, and you’re not even here to pay for it all. But seriously, E, I need you. You know I fucking love you with all my heart, was never able to say it much when you were awake, but I’m saying it now. What those pieces of shit did to you, I will murder them all, I swear to god. Then I’ll have to do time, and I can’t be no one’s bitch in prison. You know I like cock too much.” Brianne started to sob and I wanted to comfort her to tell her I was here, but my body didn’t seem compliant with my request. I soon heard my mother’s voice.
“Brianne,” she said soothingly.
“Did they say if there was any change?” she asked hopefully.
“None, they said they won’t know until he fully comes out of the coma.”