by Aurelia Skye
He couldn’t seem to stop touching Gwen, even casually. At first, he didn’t realize she was quickly pulling away. The first few times he brushed a hand against her, or put his fingers lightly on her thigh, she shifted position in a plausible fashion, so it took him a little while to realize she was deliberately avoiding his touch. He scowled as he leaned forward to ask her about it, but stilled the impulse. Now wasn’t the time for such a discussion.
He looked around the cafeteria, and his gaze locked with the same man who had glared at him earlier in the day. Loathing and mistrust still radiated from his expression, and the man’s elevated heart rate and slight increase in body temperature seemed to indicate he was either ill or angry.
Suddenly, Gwen’s behavior made sense. She was rejecting his touch because she wanted to keep the connection between them hidden. He understood the need not to blatantly announce it, especially until her children had a chance to adjust to the idea, but he hadn’t expected her to pretend like nothing had happened at all. She must be ashamed of her behavior and wanted to keep him her dirty secret.
His appetite fled, and their main staple algae dish certainly couldn’t revive it. He pushed away the tray steadily as he looked down.
“Was it scary being trapped in that room?” asked Pollux.
“I wasn’t frightened.” He left it at that, having no wish to expound. He couldn’t muster the energy for conversation and answered the boy’s questions as simply as possible.
Halfway through the meal, he stood up and walked away from the table, pausing only long enough to bus his tray before leaving. He wasn’t certain Gwen had even noticed, but he wasn’t doing it to provoke a response from her. He simply couldn’t sit there with the family any longer while knowing he wasn’t good enough to be part of it in Gwen’s eyes.
He returned to his quarters, where he paced ceaselessly. He had known disappointment before, and he’d probably experienced heartache as a human, before his forcible conversion to a cyborg, but he had no memory of it. It felt like there was a gaping hole in his chest, and he didn’t have the adequate vocabulary to describe what was happening to him, or how Gwen’s subtle rejection had devastated him.
He waited for his wrist communicator to chime, indicating a call from DVS, but it never came. No doubt, the general was with his mate, and a sharp sting of envy shot through JSN. For a brief moment, he’d thought he had found something similar with Gwen—a real connection between them that was more than scratching a sexual itch.
It was late in the evening, after the hours had ticked past with excruciating slowness, that he heard a knock at his door. JSN walked over to it to open it, both surprised and unsurprised to find Gwen there. He was partially surprised that she had bothered to come to him again, but not at all surprised that she had chosen to sneak in to his room after everyone would be asleep. He stood back to allow her in, but crossed his arms over his chest after closing the door.
She approached him, reaching out a hand to cup his face. He kept his posture rigid, requiring every bit of his willpower not to soften at her touch.
She looked confused. “It took Pollux and Britta forever to fall asleep.”
“Hmm,” he grunted.
Her frown deepened. “I came as soon as I could.”
“After everyone was asleep,” he said with a hint of accusation.
She was scowling now. “I couldn’t leave my children while they were still awake just to come to my lover.”
He flinched at the way she phrased it, but it was good to hear how she really felt. It helped strengthen his resolve. “Why did you come here, Gwen?”
Her confusion was back. “I came because I hoped to continue what we started this afternoon.”
With a sigh, he shook his head. “You should go back to your quarters.”
She took a step back, clearly startled by his words. “You don’t want me now?”
JSN ran a hand through his short hair. “Of course I want you, but I don’t want to be your secret. It’s obvious you’re ashamed of being with me, and you want to hide it.”
“That’s not true. I…” She trailed off, and her expression bordered on guilty. “I guess maybe it’s a little true. I’m not ashamed of you, but I think it’s best to keep this discreet. I thought you agreed with the way you rushed off earlier without even a goodbye.”
“I had to make a status report to DVS. I wasn’t trying to avoid you. I would’ve thought that would be obvious by the way I kept touching you tonight, and you flinched away.”
She hung her head slightly. “I guess it should’ve been. I can’t be too open about whatever this is between us. I’m the leader of the enclave, and a lot of the humans still regard cyborgs with distrust. Not to mention, my children are vulnerable.”
JSN nodded, a heavy weight in his chest. “I understand that, but my stance remains the same. I won’t be an indiscretion that you hide by sneaking around. I know you wanted this to be just sex, but I can’t do that. When I took the next step with you today, it was with the intent of winning over your children, committing to your family, and claiming you as my mate.”
Her brown eyes widened, and they appeared to sparkle with moisture. “That’s lovely. I’m not saying I don’t want those things too, but can’t we just keep this quiet for a while? Why do we need to publicly announce anything?”
He let out a ragged sigh. “It’s not about publicly announcing anything. I don’t expect you to make a pronouncement that we’re together. But I don’t want to sneak around. I can’t have you flinching from my touch in public while craving it in private.”
She frowned, looking unsettled. “I need time.”
“I understand that. Good night, Gwen.” With that, he opened the door again, and she hesitated for a moment before stepping through. She looked back at him just once before moving down the corridor, and he closed his door as soon as she reached her quarters and stepped inside.
That gaping hole in his chest seemed to widen, and the emotional agony was enough to bring him to his knees. Sending her away had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, and he wondered if he had made the right choice. Wouldn’t it be better to have whatever she could offer than to not have her at all?
He hovered on the verge of going to her room and telling her he had changed his mind, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Gwen was different from the other women in his past. She was special, and he cared for her far more deeply than anyone else that he could recall. Of course he wanted her, but he wanted all of her and not just physical pleasure at the expense of his emotional well-being. If she couldn’t give him everything, then he couldn’t take anything.
Chapter Seven
Gwen had slept fitfully, in small bursts from which she was easily awakened by the feelings plaguing her. It was obvious she had hurt JSN, and just the thought made her hurt as well. At some point, without intending to, she’d grown closer to him than she had planned.
Yesterday’s impulsive offer of sex had been prompted by more than just a need for physical relief. She hadn’t wanted to admit to herself at the time, but her emotions were already entangled with his. She was drawn to him even more strongly than she had been Stephen. Not that she hadn’t loved Stephen, and hadn’t been attracted to him. She certainly had, but she’d also realized lack of options had increased Stephen’s appeal.
He’d been a good husband and a terrific father, and losing him had hurt so much that she was reluctant to ever love that deeply again. Despite her best efforts, she feared she was already falling for the cyborg commander though. When he’d mentioned claiming her as his mate, that caused a leap of excitement in her chest, and her heart had skipped a beat.
His rejection had been devastating, but she could understand his point-of-view. Unfortunately, he couldn’t seem to understand hers. She was trying to do her duty to everyone and protect the members of the enclave. It was a few hours before she was due to get up for the day that she realized there was no reason to protect them.
Of co
urse, she wanted to see to their safety, but the enclave was made up of mostly adults, and they could handle her relationship with JSN. If they couldn’t, that burden fell on them, not her. There was bound to be resistance to the idea, and some people like Patrick, whose mother MX409 had killed, were likely to violently repudiate the relationship with pure disgust and anger, but was her own happiness worth appeasing those people?
And that was what JSN was—another chance at happiness. She wasn’t in love with him yet, but she could see a time when that would be a reality. They were so different, with so many things keeping them apart, but it all seemed trivial when boiled down to the very basic question of whether she would rather live with or without him.
Only Pollux and Britta’s opinions mattered on the idea, and they were the only ones to whom she owed any accounting. She was certain Pollux would be fine with the idea of her having a relationship with JSN. Even Britta had seemed to thaw slightly toward the cyborg, and she was certain her daughter would come around. Only for them, and no one else, would she risk damaging her relationship with JSN.
The epiphany was freeing, and she was able to fall asleep with a lighter heart and eagerness to find JSN. He might still be hurt, and he might resist her apology to start with, but she was certain she could win him over again if he felt about her the same way she felt about him—which he claimed to do.
After her restless night and finally finding sleep, she overslept, and Britta and Pollux were up before her. She was pleased to see they were both washed and dressed as they bounced on the bed to wake her. She put her arms around their shoulders and drew them against her, one on each side of her body against the headboard. “You know I love you guys, right?”
“Of course,” said Pollux, blissfully unaware of the subtle undertones in the question.
Britta looked slightly more hesitant. “Yes, Mama.”
“I’d never do anything to hurt either one of you, and you mean the world to me. I wanted to ask how you both felt about JSN? Do you like him?”
“He’s great,” said Pollux with enthusiasm. “He knows all kinds of things, and he’s never too busy to talk to me, unlike some adults.”
“Those adults are doing important things,” said Britta with a hint of superiority that she lorded mercilessly over her little brother.
“Yes, but they don’t have to be rude to Pollux either,” said Gwen. “What do you think of JSN, Britta?”
Britta pursed her lips before shrugging. “I don’t know. He seems fine. He’s almost like a real human, isn’t he?”
Gwen frowned. “Honey, he is a human. Once, he was just like us.”
“But he’s blue, and Mr. Sanchez says we can’t trust him or any of his kind ‘cause they killed his mother.”
Her lips pursed. “One of them killed Abuelita, but that doesn’t make them all bad.” She patted her daughter’s shoulder. “Mr. Sanchez is wrong. He hasn’t taken time to get to know any of the cyborgs, and it’s not right to judge someone based on what you’ve heard from other people before you get to know that person. You know that, don’t you, Britta?”
After a second, her daughter nodded. “Yes, Mama.”
“JSN has invited us back to his base to do some science experiments. How would you to feel about that?” Mentally, she crossed her fingers that the invitation still stood. Surely it did, because she couldn’t imagine JSN refusing to allow them to accompany the samples no matter how upset he was with her.
“Oh, boy, that’ll be fun,” said Pollux with enthusiasm.
“Maybe we could see the puppies,” said Britta.
In that moment, she looked more like an excited eight-year-old than her usual too-mature façade, and it lightened Gwen’s heart to see her daughter reacting that way. “I’m sure you can. Carrie said she would bring Penny and the puppies to visit when they were old enough, but now we can go to them.”
Pollux and Britta both let out varying decibels of excitement as they whooped and bounced on the bed. Gwen grinned at them before moving her arms. “Now why don’t you two give me a few minutes to get dressed, and we’ll go have breakfast? I’ll talk to JSN and let him know we’ve decided to accept his invitation.” And find out if it still stood—if everything he had offered was still available.
A few minutes later, she and the children entered the cafeteria, and she looked for JSN. She’d expected him to already be there, since she was running late, but there was no sign of him. “Why don’t you two get your trays and go to our table? I’ll wait here until JSN comes in.” The kids scurried to do as she asked, and she took up a position near the door.
As the minutes ticked past, she started to think JSN wouldn’t be coming. Perhaps he was deliberately avoiding her. Her stomach clenched when the thought came to her that maybe he had slipped out of the enclave in the middle of the night and wouldn’t return. She shook her head in rejection of the idea, but she wasn’t entirely certain it had no merit until she saw him finally walk into the cafeteria a few minutes later. The breath she’d been holding left her in a ragged whooshing sound as she strode toward him.
His expression was hard to read as she approached, and his arms went over his chest. When she reached him, she stood close to him and put her hand on his bicep. “I’m sorry. I had time to think, and you’re right. There’s no reason to keep us a secret. I’ve already talked to Britta and Pollux, and they’re excited about the idea of visiting the base…and they’re okay with me dating you.” She let out a small laugh. “I’m not sure what we have is called dating, but you know what I mean.”
His expression remained foreboding for a moment before gradually lightening. “You mean that?”
She looked pointedly at her hand on his arm before stepping even closer. “I do.”
He grinned suddenly, and it chased away the last of the sadness and uncertainty that had lingered in his expression. “And you plan to come to the base with the samples?”
She nodded again. “As long as the kids can still come?”
“Of course they can.” His expression dimmed, and he looked worried. “I need to call DVS for backup. I can’t risk taking you and the kids to the base alone.”
His obvious concern touched her deeply, and she moved even closer, resting her head on his arm. “I’ll make sure we all have pulsers. Leith has been producing them whenever he has the time, so we should have a good stockpile.”
They both jerked when a body jostled against them, and JSN went into protective mode. She didn’t know whether to laugh or roll her eyes when he inserted his body in front of hers to protect her from a nonexistent threat. She peeked out from behind him and smiled at Heather. “Good morning.”
“Morning. I’m sorry I hit you. It’s getting a little tight in here.” Heather gestured over her shoulder to indicate the crowd of people forming for morning mealtime. Her dark eyes sparkled with interest when her gaze moved to where Gwen’s hand remained on his arm, and her cheek was pressed against the side of his bicep as she peeked around him. “Interesting,” she said with a knowing grin. “It’s about time you found happiness again.”
Her easy acceptance eased a little bit of the tension that remained, and Gwen returned her grin. “I think you’re right.” After breakfast, she would announce to the enclave that she was going to the base for a little while, and her only regret was leaving Leith in the unwanted position of taking over for her. It was a relief to let go of the burden of leadership, even if it was only a temporary reprieve.
They moved toward the table, only realizing halfway there that they didn’t have trays. Gwen shrugged and kept going, and JSN was apparently fine with skipping the meal too. As soon as they reached the table, the children started asking JSN questions about the base, and he answered them all with good-natured patience. Finally, he held up a hand. “I need a few minutes to make a call to my general, to ensure everyone’s safety for the trip back to the base.”
Britta and Pollux immediately fell quiet, and Gwen marveled at his ability to silence them. Brit
ta was usually on the quiet side anyway, but Pollux was her little chatterbox, and that he was willingly keeping silent for a moment was a testament to either how much he liked JSN, or JSN’s way with her kids.
JSN used his wrist communicator to get hold of his general, and the arrangements were soon made. Gwen’s excitement at the idea of visiting the cyborg base and attempting to clone some of the extinct creatures had her practically vibrating. She was as excited as the children about the forthcoming adventure, at least until she met Patrick Sanchez’s eyes.
He was scowling at her, his gaze focused exclusively on the Harrisons’ table rather than on his granddaughter, who shared the table with him. Heather seemed unfazed by her grandfather’s lack of attention, but Gwen would happily give it up, since she seemed to be the focus of his obvious anger.
He had good reason to dislike the cyborgs, since MX409 had killed his mother, but even before that incident, he’d always been overtly hateful toward them. It was obvious he still considered the cyborgs as much of an enemy as the synthetics, and his clear disapproval and rage sent a chill through her.
Not wanting him to destroy her tenuously happy mood, she quickly looked away from him and tried to pretend Patrick wasn’t glaring at her, or watching her family as they interacted with JSN and planned their trip. People like him were the reason she would’ve hidden her relationship with JSN, and his reaction only underscored her resolve not to do so. Why would she care what Patrick thought when his unreasonable hatred would make it impossible for her to change his mind, no matter how long she waited to announce a relationship or show obvious interest in JSN? His reaction only strengthened her resolve.
Chapter Eight