by Jade West
“It’s the riding,” I said. “Maybe more than anything else. I’ve worked so hard with Samson, and he’s nearly ready. We’re both nearly ready. He’ll be in his prime for another couple of years, and I want to make the most of them. I want to event, compete, show the world how far he’s come.”
“And after that?”
I shrugged. “I’ve no idea, but even if I didn’t event again I couldn’t guarantee I’d want to knock out a baby and do the mummy thing.”
“But you might?”
“I don’t know.”
He stubbed out his cigarette. “Sorry, of course you don’t. This is such bullshit. How can you possibly make a call on something like this so soon.”
The thought of Carl pained me, made me feel fucked up inside. “He wants it now, Rick. I can’t. Not with Samson. Even though my dreams are going to shit, I still can’t.”
“He’s just jaded and scared, that’s all.”
The thought hit me in the belly. “Scared?”
He nodded. “Scared it won’t happen for him.”
“Why wouldn’t it? He’s a gorgeous guy, you’re both gorgeous guys. Kind and funny and successful. You should have a queue of potentials.”
He shook his head. “No. Nobody that fits. Nobody that really wants us, not for keeps. They want the sex, and the money. They want the fun and games. The baby, not so much.” He sighed. “Carl’s pretty cut up, thinks we won’t see you again, not properly.”
“And what do you think?”
“I dunno. I’m holding out a little hope here.” He smiled. “You’ve knocked our socks off, both of us.”
“Ditto,” I said. “You guys are awesome.”
“But you don’t want us, right? Not like that? Is this just… money? I get it, if it is. I wouldn’t blame you.”
My eyes widened. “Shit, no. No way. This isn’t about the money. It was about the money for about a week.”
“So what is it about? What do you want from us?”
I smiled. “You sound like him.”
He laughed. “Sorry. I just… we’re a bit lost. A bit fucked up. Flailing around trying to work out whether we’ve blown it or not.”
“He won’t wait, Rick. I could see it in his eyes. Maybe if he had ten years… maybe if he could just hang on and see…” I closed my eyes. “Why can’t he wait, Rick? Why now, why so breakneck? What’s so important that it has to be right now?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes fixed on Samson in the distance.
“I think it’s time I told you about Carl,” he said.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Katie
I dropped to my ass on the wood-chippings and so did Rick. I crossed my legs and my stomach tightened in anticipation.
“I grew up lucky, really fucking lucky,” he started. “I always knew it, but it took me meeting a guy like Carl to realise just how good I had it as a kid. I had everything, everything that mattered. And Carl, poor fucking guy, he had nothing.”
“He mentioned a hostel, when we were in Brighton…”
Rick’s eyes met mine and they were so sad. “Children’s home. Shithole from what I gather. A whole lot of kids needing love, not enough people to love them. Not enough people to take care of them, even.”
“What about his parents?”
Rick shook his head. “His mum died when he was really young. Bit of a party goer, so he says, but it’s all hearsay really, bits of memories, scattered information from people who didn’t really know. They found her in a pool, face down and in nothing but her knickers. Accidental death officially. I don’t know much more than that. Carl was only six at the time. They found him in filthy clothes at one of her loser mate’s flats.”
My stomach lurched. “Shit.”
“He doesn’t talk about it much.”
“And then what? What happened to him?”
He sighed. “A load of shit. Life in care, like loads of other kids. Not enough attention, not enough love. They didn’t manage to find his dad, so they said. Only then this loser rocks up when Carl’s about thirteen years old. Says he hasn’t got space or money to have Carl come live with him, but he loves him, misses him, thinks about him all the time, yada fucking yada.”
“He wasn’t genuine?”
Rick shook his head, and his face was stony. “He was a fucking asshole. Used to get Carl to do favours for him. Piece of fucking crap.”
“Favours?” I felt sick inside, but Rick shook his head.
“Nothing like that, not that I know, but I wouldn’t swear on it. Drugs. Hold onto this for me, Carl, it’s a present for a friend. Don’t tell anyone, I want it to be a surprise. I’m working on a place for us, Carl, me and you, won’t be long now.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah. Of course Carl did whatever the asshole wanted. He was a teenage lad hoping someone actually gave a shit, you know? Thought he could be something to somebody, finally. Makes me so fucking angry.”
“What happened?”
Rick tipped his head back, squinted at the sun. “A carer found one of the parcels hidden behind a skirting board by Carl’s bunk. Along came the police, social workers, a million questions. Bye bye, Dad.”
“His dad went to prison?” My heart was in my throat.
“Part of a bigger investigation, I think. Yeah, he went down for it, good fucking riddance. Carl ate himself up with guilt, sent letters, never heard back. Not a fucking thing. Never has. I mean what kind of cunt even does that to their own kid? Sets them up and then just fucking bails? Doesn’t even fucking reply?” Rick shook his head. “Poor kid went off the rails. Started vandalising shit, fighting, stealing. He says it was like he was filled with this… tar, all black and thick, just this… rottenness. Says he felt like he was worth nothing, didn’t deserve anything, didn’t even want anything. Ended up in juvenile detention, then back in care. A problem kid.” He paused, picked at the woodchips. “It’s not really my place to tell you this shit, but I think you should know. So you understand.”
My eyes felt sore and full of tears. Too much, all at once. Jack’s yard, and baby talk, and Carl. Mainly Carl.
“Shit,” Rick said. “I know this is fucked up, I know it’s sad, believe me, it breaks my fucking heart, but please, whatever you do, please don’t look at him like that.”
“Like what?” I asked, and my voice was crackly.
“Like you’re looking at me, now. Like you pity him, like you feel sorry for him. He’d hate it. It’s the last thing he wants, that isn’t who he is.”
“But I do,” I said. “Feel sorry for him, I mean. I don’t pity him, he’s not the kind of guy you could pity.” I looked away. “He seems so strong, so grounded, so… together.”
“He is. He’s all those things. He’s the best man I know. The strongest man I know.”
The lump in my throat threatened to choke me. “How did he… how could he… who even comes back from something like that?”
“A guy like Carl does.” Rick smiled. “Don’t ask me how, but he did. Pulled his shit together, made a better life for himself. Carl’s steely and determined, serious… motivated. You’ve probably noticed,” he laughed, “He can seem… unapproachable. But that’s just the grit he uses to push himself forward, and underneath that, despite everything, all the shit he’s been through, all the times he’s been let down and fucked over, despite all that, he’s loyal, and kind, and generous. He wants the best for people, he gives his best for people, always his best.” He paused, looked right at me. “He credits your dad for a lot of that.”
My belly panged. “I’m sure my father can’t take the credit for much of that.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” He looked at me. “I always speak as I find, and I’ve always found your dad to be a top guy. No bullshit, no games. Sees the best in people, just like Carl does.”
“That’s not how I’ve found him,” I said, and my voice was prickly. I was prickly. “Not ever. Not at all.”
Rick didn’t linger on it. “An
yway, this is just background. The real heart of the matter, this baby thing, that’s been brewing for years. Carl told me there was this park about twenty minutes’ walk from the hostel, a better park than the rundown piece of shit one by theirs. He used to take himself off there, and sit and watch. There were families, he said, nice families. Proper mums and dads with happy kids, just having a good time. He used to sit outside the fence and watch them, and pray that he’d have a family like that of his own one day. People to love.” He sighed. “Kids to love.” He picked up a bit of woodchip, turned it in his fingers. “When your dad gave him a shot he threw himself into work, to get ready for the future, to make something of himself. That’s what he says. Didn’t meet Melanie until his late twenties, but thought she was the one. She claimed she felt the same. Who wouldn’t with a guy like Carl? He’s gorgeous, successful, smart…” His voice trailed off. “But the woman was a wild thing, believe me. Couldn’t imagine her doing the school run, to be honest, couldn’t imagine her with a couple of kids, not in a million years. But he could.”
“She was the woman with him when you met?”
He nodded. “Yeah, on some seedy website. You know the drill. Turned up at theirs and hit it off. I thought they were cool. Nice couple, great in bed. Adventurous. They seemed pretty solid, until they really weren’t.”
“They split up?”
Rick’s eyes met mine, and he was wary of telling me. I could see the hesitation.
“You don’t have to tell me…” I said, but he shook his head.
“I do need to tell you.” He tossed the woodchip from hand to hand. “Carl thought they were serious. He thought they were for keeps. They talked about it, he says, about settling down, having a family. It was all he ever wanted.”
“She didn’t want it?”
“She said she did. Stopped taking the pill, made all the right noises, said all the right things. I mean, they’d been together ages. Years and years without any real commitment, any real signs of her being ready, but he waited. He finally thought she was ready, she said she was ready.”
“She didn’t get pregnant?”
He sighed. “Apparently not. She kept telling him to give it time, said it would happen.”
“But it didn’t?”
He flicked the woodchip away. “She was lying.”
“Still on the pill?”
“No,” he said. “That would have been easier.” He closed his eyes. “Two abortions.”
Fucking hell. “Two?”
“At least two. A slip up from a friend who’d had too much to drink, mentioned it in passing, like he knew.”
“Oh my God.”
“He was fucking devastated. His whole life he’d wanted a family, months, years probably of trying. Imagine that, all that waiting, all that trying, just to find out the woman you think you want to spend your life with has decided to terminate two of your kids without you knowing. Broke his fucking heart.”
I felt cold. Cold and sad. My stomach ached for him. “That’s horrible.”
“Yeah, it is. It really is. They split up over it, she walked away without really breaking a sweat. She never loved him, not really. I think she loved the idea of him, which is crazy to me, really fucking crazy, he’s everything to me.” He took a breath. “For a while we were just mates. A couple of beers at the weekend. Then a couple of beers in the week. We’d talk, a lot. Laugh a lot. We just fit together. We found other women when he was up to it, just casually.” He smiled a big smile. “I knew I loved him, even back then. I thought he was amazing. It took him a little longer. I guess it was the family thing. Or maybe he just wasn’t that into me.” He laughed a little. “I guess I wormed my way under his skin. Eventually.”
I smiled. “Did you always know you were bi?”
He nodded. “My family were awesome, taught us kids that love is love and that’s all that matters. It didn’t seem like a big deal to me, I just wanted who I wanted. They love Carl.” His eyes twinkled and it gave me butterflies. “They’d love you, too.”
I didn’t know what to say about that, so I said nothing. “Was Carl always bi, too?”
“I think so, maybe. For me my sexuality was no biggie, I just liked what I liked, loved who I loved. For Carl I think it was more of a take comfort where you can kinda thing, that’s how it started. I guess he found some solace in some of the other kids when he was headed off the rails, a bit of physical closeness through dark nights. An outlet for the urges, I dunno. He says he was grateful for any kind of love no matter where it came from, and that stuck, although now I think it comes from a much healthier place inside. For him it doesn’t really matter whether that love is from a guy or a girl, or both. He doesn’t always say it back, the magic little love phrase — a hang up from Mel, I guess — but he shows it, he feels it. Carl’s all about people, the people who care about him, people who want him. I wanted him. I really wanted him.”
I gave him a nudge. Squeezed his elbow. “And he wanted you. He loves you, that’s obvious.”
“I fucking love that guy. I love him so fucking much.” He sighed. “But we always wanted more. We wanted a family, right from early on, especially Carl. We figured we could have a polyamorous relationship, find someone on our wavelength, only it wasn’t so simple.” He paused. “Sex, yeah, that was simple. Money in exchange for sex, even easier, on the face of it. But something genuine? That evaded us.”
I didn’t speak, just listened.
“It’s hard for people, I guess. Threesomes are fun, hanging out as a threesome is fun, but to settle down? Do the whole poly thing long-term, with a kid, with a family, with funny looks from the other mums at the school playground?” He shook his head. “Sends people running. We’re like Saturday afternoon cocktails, me and Carl. Easy enough to get people to the bar for the buy-one-get-one-free, but they invariably guzzle enough to have a good time, then head off home for the night.”
“That isn’t how I see it,” I said. “Not now, I promise.”
“I hope not,” he said. “I really fucking hope not, because we’re in pretty deep with you, Katie. We think you’re amazing.”
I felt the blush. “Thanks.”
“I mean it. We think the world of you. Always will, no matter how things pan out.” He scratched at his beard. “Carl’s turning forty this year, and he’s feeling it. He’s worried it’s never gonna happen for him, for us, and that even if it does he’ll be too old to enjoy all the things he’s spent his life dreaming about. Too old to enjoy his grandkids, knocking on retirement’s door before his kid’s even flown the nest. It makes him… demanding.”
“How could it not? If he wants something that bad…” I thought of the yard, the disappointment of my dream slipping away from me. It hurt like a motherfucker, and I was just twenty-two, hardly any age. I still had Samson, still had my mum, still had my whole life ahead of me to find another dream.
“He’s a stronger man than I am, holding out for a dream for that long, having it thrown in your face and still keep going, still keep hoping. It can make him difficult, but Carl is a little difficult, especially at first.”
I got a tickle in my tummy at the memory. “Scary hot,” I said. “Intimidating. Blunt, too. But I like that.”
“I like that, too.” He got to his feet. “He’d have bought you this place, you know, if that’s what you wanted. He’s generous, wants to see you live your dreams. Always wants the best for people.”
He held out a hand and pulled me up, watched me as I brushed the dust from my jodhpurs. “I could never have taken it. It’s too much. Unless I could have…” I shook my head. “Probably not even then. I don’t think I could swap dreams like that, not when mine’s worth a cool couple of hundred grand.” I held my hands up. “I mean, fuck, that’s massive.”
“So is having a baby. The whole thing is massive, and way too fucking soon, like I said.”
I leaned back on the gate, looked at him, at the way the sun turned his hair chestnut, the deep brown of his eyes. He w
as so beautiful. “What’s the deal with you, Rick? You know all about Carl’s dreams, his shitty upbringing, mine, too. What’s your story?”
He shrugged, stared out at Samson. “Like I said, I’ve been lucky. My story is a good one.” He smiled. “Had a wild stint at university though, smoked a bit too much weed and spent all my money on slot machines.” He brought his finger to his lips. “Shh, don’t tell anyone, I’m a good boy now.” He smirked. “Seriously, my lot is a good one. Dicked about with a load of randoms, had a lot of sex and it was fun, but not fulfilling. Made it in graphic design, which is all I really wanted, to be creative.” He stepped up onto the gate, leaned over. “I have my faults. I waste way too much time. Carl’s a doer, I’m a procrastinator. I get addicted to things so easily, weird food, stupid games, getting inked. Everything. But I can live with that.” He laughed. “I’m really not that exciting or that special. I’m just a guy who tries to look on the sunny side, appreciates what he has.”
But he was exciting. He excited me. Everything about Rick excited me.
“I think you’re pretty damn special,” I said. “Pretty damn exciting, too.”
It took him aback, I could see it in his eyes. “Wow. You do? That’s sweet.”
“I do.”
He grinned. “That’s mighty fucking cool. Thanks.”
I stepped up on the gate beside him, kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Rick. Thanks for coming. I was feeling shitty, you brightened my day.”
“I’d be feeling shitty too if all this was being taken away from me.” He sighed. “It’s fucking ace here, I can see why you fell in love with it.” He stepped down. “Sure you’re not tempted? Take Carl up on his offer, live the dream?”
I shook my head. “I wish I could. I’d love it if this place was mine, more than anything.” I met his eyes. “But it’s not mine, and it isn’t going to be mine. I’ll just have to accept it, move on.”
He raised his eyebrows. “That’s fighting talk. I think you’re a tough little cookie, pretty lady.”
I laughed. “Not really. I still feel like my dream’s been wrenched from my heart, chewed up and spat out at my feet. But I’m feeling inspired.” I looked at my furry boy in the field. “I mean, if Carl can go through all that, lose all those dreams, and still come out the other side, I can take this little knockback on the chin, right?”