by Jade West
I shot her a look, and the urge to stop the car and crush her in my arms threatened to possess me.
“Why don’t you take it from the top? And we can work it out together.”
She nodded, sighed again. Breathed deeply, steadily, her eyes on the road ahead as we left the Much Arlock bypass and turned towards Cheltenham.
And then she took it from the top.
I listened intently while she spoke. Listened to the tale of a young woman who’d been cast aside by the man she’d loved. A young woman who’d been afraid and lonely, fearing the powers that be would deem her an unfit mother because she couldn’t afford the trappings of a more affluent lifestyle. Fearing her baby’s father would take her for his own, and take her away, another dream stolen. One she couldn’t bear to lose.
A young woman who should have told the truth, but didn’t have the courage. A young woman who’d worked hard to give her daughter everything, but couldn’t face opening the can of worms it would take to give her a father.
“I don’t think she’d ever have told me,” Katie said. “If he hadn’t found about me, I mean. I don’t think she’d have ever told him, either.”
“How do you feel about that?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know what I feel. Part of me thinks I should be angry, but I’m not. I mean, I get it, why she was scared, why she lied. I’m sad she did, but I get it.” She paused. “I love my mum so much. She’s everything to me, she’s always been everything to me. She was always there, always seeing the best in me, always trying her hardest. I know she meant the best.”
“And how do you feel about your father?”
She shrugged again. “That’s harder. I just don’t know.” She sighed. “I mean, he’s still a dick. He still left my mum, still fired her. He’s still the guy with the spoiled annoying kids who were really fucking mean to me, he’s still the guy who tried to make me something I wasn’t, tried to shape me into part of his family rather than get to know me as myself.”
“Is there a but in there?”
She nodded. “But he didn’t abandon me. Not like I thought he did. He didn’t even know I existed. So, how could he have been there? How could he have tried? How can I feel angry for the way he rocked up into my life at ten years old? He came as soon as he could.” She stared out of the window. “I didn’t get to know him, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know him because I didn’t think he wanted to know me. But I was wrong. I just don’t know where this leads, how this changes everything. It’s all so… big… all so… fuzzy…”
“It’s a lot to get your head around, Katie. Give yourself a break.”
“What do you think I should do, Carl? What would you do?”
“That’s a big question.”
“I know it is… but I…” She paused. “I trust you.”
“I’m glad, but that doesn’t mean I have the right answers. You have the right answers for you, Katie.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
I pulled her hand to my lips, kissed her fingers. “You’re smart, you’re strong. You have a good heart. You’ll make the right choices.”
“All the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”
I shook my head. “That isn’t true. Your heart is your heart, your soul is your soul. This shit with your father doesn’t change who you are inside, who you’ve always been inside.”
“Ok, so most of the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”
“Maybe, but that matters little now. You made the best decisions for you at the time, with the facts you had available. Now, in the future, you may make different choices, based on new information.”
“A whole new world…”
“If that’s what you want.”
She sighed. “I don’t know much of what I want right now.”
“So start with the things you do know, work from there.”
I felt her tug at my sleeve, and it made my breath hitch. “Pull over,” she said. “There’s a truck stop up ahead.”
I indicated left, rumbled the Range off the road. I put the car in neutral, turned to face her. “What?” I said. “What’s the matter? What is it?”
Her eyes twinkled in the last rays of the sun, expressive and confused. “I don’t know what I want, Carl. I don’t know if I want to know my dad, or if I’ll be disappointed to find out he’s still the same prick I thought he was. I don’t know if I lost out on being a kid because my mum was scared to let me love someone who didn’t love her, and I don’t know what that means for my future. I don’t know if I clipped my own wings because I learned it was ok to be content not to push myself, not to challenge myself, because I was rebelling. Rebelling against a family I was against from the very beginning. I don’t know if I’d want the same things, know the same things, have done all the same things if I’d have known better, known I wasn’t an unwanted daughter.”
“So, what do you know?” I stared at her. “Why are we here? Parked up in the middle of nowhere?”
“Because I know you.” She unclipped her belt, and my belly flipped. “Because I know I want you. Because you’re the only thing that makes sense to me, right now, you and Rick.” She reached for me, and I closed my eyes. “Because you’re so straight, Carl. Because you don’t shy away from what’s ahead. Because you’re always there.”
I smirked. “I’m rarely called straight, Katie. That makes a novel change.”
“Rick’s right about you, when he says you’re the best man he’s ever known. You’re the best man I’ve ever known, too. The best men I’ve ever known, you and Rick.”
“Stop,” I said. “You don’t have to say all this.”
She smiled. “You’ll be the best dad, Carl. You’re everything a good dad should be. Loyal, and honest, and strong. Kind. Hardworking. Supportive.”
Her words made my skin tingle. I had to change the subject. I couldn’t take it, not even the thought. Just in case. Just in case it was false hope.
“Your dad isn’t all that bad, Katie, I promise. I really think you should consider giving him a chance. A fresh start, right from the beginning. The start you should have had.”
She was close, so close. Her knees up on the seat, her breath on my cheek. “Kiss me,” she said. “That’s what I want. That’s the one thing I know.”
“Rick’s at home,” I said. “He’s only minutes away…”
She shook her head, and then her lips were on me, soft against my cheek. “Please,” she said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”
Katie
My heart was racing, my stomach all chewed up. My legs were wobbly and my throat was dry, and life felt unsteady and raw.
And all I wanted was him.
The man who laid everything on the line, who walked the road of truth and honour, no matter where that took him.
“Please,” I said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”
He turned his head and his lips were so close to mine. “We come together or not at all,” he whispered. “That’s how we are.”
I stroked his face. “But we’re a three now, right?”
“Yes. That’s right.”
“So, things have got to change, no? Move forward? Evolve?”
“What do you mean?”
His breath was hot on my lips, and I breathed him in. “I love you, Carl.”
He stopped breathing, and his eyes turned wide.
“I love you, and I love Rick. I love both of you. I love both of you together, and both of you as just yourself. Sometimes I’ll want to love Rick, and sometimes I’ll want to love you, and sometimes, most of the time, I’ll want to love you both together.” I let him digest my words. “And sometimes I’ll want you to love each other without me. That’s how three should work, Carl. That’s how I want it to work. Naturally, however it feels right.”
“Katie… I don’t know…”
I put a finger to his lips. “Do you love me, Carl? I know you don’t like to say it, but I’m asking you. And I’ll know you
’ll give me the truth because…”
He moved my hand from his mouth, and his lips pressed to mine. He took a breath, took my face in his hands, and he kissed me. He kissed me like he loved me.
And then he said it.
“Yes, I love you, Katie.” He paused. “And so does Rick, and he’s waiting for us at home.”
I pictured Rick, his kind smile, his beautiful body. The way he loved so easily.
I nodded. “Ok,” I said. “Let’s go home.”
His fingers were in my hair before I could move, holding me tight, holding me still. His mouth was urgent this time, his tongue hunting mine, his breath ragged. He let out a low moan, and pulled my body close to his, the warmth of him burning me up.
And then he let me go.
“We’ll talk about this,” he said. “All of us. We’ll make this work as a three, together and separately. It’s time.”
He pulled away from the truck stop.
“It’s real,” I said. “I told my mum about us.”
He raised his eyebrows as he worked up through the gears. “You really did cover a lot of ground this evening. What did she say?”
I laughed a little, remembering the moment. The shock, the surprise, the awkward questions. Do you… with both of them? At the same time? And do they…? Are they…? How does this work, Katie? How does it ever work?
And what about the future, Katie? What about marriage? What about kids?
And then my shock, my shock at the realisation I wasn’t repulsed, wasn’t armed with my usual I don’t even want kids announcement, that I’d been using right through my teens, right off the cuff.
I cut a long story short.
“She said she wants to meet you. Properly.” I smiled. “She wants to meet you both.”
“That’s something,” he said. “At least she didn’t run screaming.” He smirked. “And where does she want this to happen? We could take her out, a nice bite to eat, somewhere tasteful. Impress her with culinary delights.”
“We already decided.” I looked at him. “The Cheltenham Chase. I mean, you are coming right? You are coming to see me and Samson?”
He squeezed my knee. “Of course we’re coming. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
And so it was settled.
Mum would meet my boyfriends at the Cheltenham Chase.
Right after Samson and I had kicked Verity’s nasty little ass to the kerb.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Katie
It was that same snooty receptionist at the Stroud office, the same one who’d judged me on interview day and found me severely lacking in my bite me, baby t-shirt. She didn’t give me any such look this morning, not in my posh little suit and my posh little heels.
“David Faverley,” I said, and my tone was confident, demanding.
She dialled him without hesitation. “Mr Faverley, your daughter for you.” A pause. “No, sir. Miss Smith…”
She gave me a smile as she disconnected.
“He’ll send someone right down.”
“I’ll find him.”
She didn’t even try to stop me.
I checked out my reflection in the elevator mirrors, so different than the girl who’d stared back at me last time around. Had I really changed so much? Inside as well as out?
I wasn’t sure anymore. Wasn’t sure of anything. I took a breath and willed my heart to calm itself the hell down as the doors pinged open, and I was back on the executive floor, back amongst director’s offices and board level meeting rooms and all that crap.
Another of the neck scarf brigade was heading down the hallway. “Miss Smith, I was just on my way. Your father is right down the hall, on the left. I’ll take you.”
“No need,” I said, and I was off.
I found his office right on the end. Mr David C. Faverley. CEO.
I knocked once before I opened the door, took one last deep breath before I pushed my way into his office like a bull entering a china shop.
He didn’t even have time to stand. No time to greet me.
“I know,” I said. “I know my mum lied. I know she told you I was… aborted. I know you didn’t know about me.”
His face turned pale, so pale.
Just like I imagined mine had.
Just like my mum’s had.
“Katie… good Lord, I…” He gestured for me to take a seat. Picked up his phone, dialled out with a cough. “Cancel everything for today… yes everything… I don’t care, he’ll have to wait… thank you.” He put the phone down.
I stared out of his window, and the sky was blue. Just a smattering of cloud. Just a nice normal summer’s day.
He coughed again. “Was this… your mother? Did she…”
I shook my head. “Carl.”
He nodded, just a little. “Carl, yes. Of course.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “You could have told me.”
He held out his hands. “Your mother was worried about the effect it would have on you. She didn’t want to dwell on the past, she was adamant, right from the off. She said we should start afresh, so as not to confuse you any more than absolutely necessary.” He sighed. “I respected that.”
“Why did you respect that? She lied to you, for more than a decade.”
“Because I respected your mother, Katie. I respected her judgement. I still do.”
I couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Is that why you fired her? Cast her aside like a stray dog? Was that your respect?”
“It was never like that.” He looked right at me. “I made mistakes. I didn’t do right by your mother, Katie. Lord knows I didn’t, and Lord knows I regret it, but with you…” He paused. “I would have been there for her, I would have been there for you. But it was too late. I’d already done the damage.” He put his head in his hands. “I loved your mother, with God as my witness, I loved your mother dearly, but I’d lost the fight. It was over for her.”
“You didn’t fight very hard, Dad. Not for love. Not for the baby she was carrying!”
“She told me it was too late.” His eyes were so sad. “Told me she wanted nothing to do with me.”
“And you accepted that?” I tried not to glare at him.
“Things were difficult enough at home. I had the boys and Olivia was carrying Verity. I tried to make the best choices, but everything I did was wrong, Katie. I was wrong to try again with Olivia, I was wrong to cast out your mother, I was wrong to accept her word about the termination, knowing she’d already lied to me once about you.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“She left without telling me she was pregnant. Not a single word on the subject. I found out through a friend of hers.”
“And she told you it was too late?”
“Yes, she told me it was too late. And I believed her.”
I met his eyes, and he was telling the truth. I could feel my own emotions, bubbling around, but I kept breathing, kept my cool. “Mum loved you.”
“And I loved her.”
“But you were still sleeping with your wife? You must have been.”
He shook his head. “It was once. One last ditch attempt at salvaging something for the boys.”
“Convenient,” I scoffed.
“I don’t expect you to believe me.”
“I don’t know what to believe.” I took a steadying breath. “I thought I knew everything, thought I understood everything, but I didn’t. I don’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
I smiled, fought back the tears in my eyes. “Yeah, you and everyone else.”
“I should have told you.”
“Yes, you should. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe we’d have had more of a chance.” I sighed. “I never gave you a chance. I never had reason to give you a chance.”
“That’s my own fault,” he said. “I handled it all wrong. I know that now.” He looked straight at me, eyes glassy. “I was just so… overwhelmed. I treated the situation like I treated everything in life, just
dived right in, tried to make the best of it, but it was the wrong call.”
“I didn’t belong there… not with you… not ever…”
“You did, Katie,” he said. “I just handled it so badly you didn’t feel like you belonged there.”
“Maybe you think so,” I scoffed. “But not Verity! Not Olivia! Not the boys!” I wiped away the threatening tears. “They hated me!”
He held up his hands. “And that was my fault, too. I didn’t prepare them, didn’t warn them, just tried to throw you all together. They were as shocked as you were, as shocked as I was.”
“But I wasn’t mean! I wasn’t spiteful and nasty and cruel.”
“I didn’t know how hard they were making things,” he said. “Not until it was too late. By then you didn’t want to know them, didn’t want to know me.” He reached out his hands. “I couldn’t reach you, Katie.”
“You didn’t try!”
“You wouldn’t let me.”
And he was right, I wouldn’t let him. It would have been too little, too late.
“This is all fucked up,” I said. “The whole sorry fucking thing.”
He sighed. “No, Katie. It only feels like that. This could be the beginning. The new beginning.” He reached his hands further across the desk. “That’s what I want. More than anything. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“We don’t know each other…”
“We can get to know each other. Slowly, this time. Like it should have been, Katie. Just you and me.”
“I don’t know…”
“You’re here aren’t you? That’s a start…”
I shrugged. “So much bad feeling… so much unnecessary bad feeling.”
“It doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t have to matter now.”
“You could have been with my mum,” I said. “If you loved her.”
He sighed again. “Love is complicated, Katie. I loved your mother so much it took my breath, but I loved Olivia, too. She was the mother of my boys, a good woman, a woman I could depend on.” His shoulders were tense. So tense. “I know you may not see them like that, but Olivia and Verity are good people. They are just very insecure, very highly strung. They have a more prickly heart. Not like your mother, and not like you, either.”