by Macronomicon
Contents
Chapter 1: May Cause Drowsiness
Chapter 2: Smarter, Not Harder
Chapter 3: Hunting is Supposed to be Unfair
Chapter 4: The worm stick
Chapter 5: Necrobarter
Chapter 6: mermaids in lakes are larger than they appear
Chapter 7: Magical Batman
Chapter 8: Proof of concept
Chapter 9: Air Force
Chapter 10: Colorful Characters
Chapter 11: Generic Villains
Chapter 12: Indestructible*
Chapter 13: Happiness Tastes Like Hippie
Chapter 14: Gigantism is in the eye of the beholder
Chapter 15: Cheese the Healer
Chapter 16: Optics
Chapter 17: Gear Up
Chapter 18: Black Betty
Chapter 19: When in doubt, sucker punch
Chapter 20: This is hopeless
Chapter 21: In Through The Out Hole
Chapter 22: The Nick of Time
Chapter 23: The Winner’s Circle
Chapter 1: May Cause Drowsiness
“Holy shit, Frank, this is like…” Jeb’s head lolled on his neck as he glanced around the room. Behind his eyelids, his veins were moving in geometric shapes, and the air itself seemed to be wrapping him up in a hug.
He felt loved. Like everything was gonna be okay, no matter what.
Jeb was laying on a bed, flanked by a nurse and a psychiatrist. Jeb didn’t mind being a lab rat. Not if it meant he wouldn’t have to feel like the only way to escape the swirling fear that seemed to stalk his every thought was to eat a bullet.
He told Frank about how it felt, but Frank didn’t say much in response other than smile warmly. The therapist probably hadn’t tried ecstasy himself, but he knew how it worked.
“Tell me about the attack.”
“Ah,” Jeb said, the memories washing over him without an ounce of their former bite.
“So I got off duty, played some video games in the rec room with Tyler, then turned in for the night, but I must have drank too much, ‘cuz I had to take a piss in the middle of the night. I got up and went to the head, and then…”
The memory of the explosion and its earth-shaking power washed over him, completely defanged, the horrible fear unable to penetrate the glowing positive vibes of the drugs. He remembered running back to the room, seeing the caved in ceiling…and the drops of blood on the ground.
The human body doesn’t bleed a lot. Not when they’re crushed under a ceiling.
Jeb was recounting his experiences in a sort of stream of consciousness word vomit, when his ears began to resound with some other voice.
It was a voice, but also text that seemed to float in front of his eyes.
>>>The System has Been Installed<<<
Earthlings! The gods of Pharos have touched your plane of existence and found it wanting. Your planet will be merged with their own, but you must be found worthy to join.
In a few moments, you will be teleported to your Tutorial Zones, but first, you must choose the difficulty of your tutorial.
Easy is a good choice for children and parents. Above that level, the rewards are increasingly greater, while the danger rises to match. Be sure before you choose.
>>>EASY
>>>NORMAL
>>>HARD
>>>IMPOSSIBLE
Jeb blinked.
“Ummm…Is this part of the drugs?” Jeb asked, peering between Frank and Alice. He wasn’t sure what was going on
“Umm…” Frank said, glancing at the tablets on the countertop. “I don’t think it is.” the bearded, bespectacled psychiatrist glanced at his somewhat dumpy assistant who monitored Jeb’s vitals.
“I see it too,” She said, frowning before shaking her head. “There’s no way.”
“Jeb, don’t move.” Frank said, standing. “I’m going to go see what’s going on outside.”
Frank rose to his feet, and reached out to get his glasses from the cabinet.
The psychiatrist burst into glittering light, vanishing from their sight in a matter of seconds.
“What the hell? Frank!?” Alice called, rising to her feet. She rushed over to where Frank had vanished, her eyes wide with panic, reaching out to where the dark-haired man had disappeared. A moment later, she disappeared, too.
“Guys?” Jeb asked, glancing around.
They’re probably fine. Probably.
Hmmm. He looked at the four choices again.
What does this even mean?
>>>EASY
>>>NORMAL
>>>HARD
>>>IMPOSSIBLE
I’m still not sure if this is real or not… Jeb thought, looking over the choices, carefully considering as he fought through the vague haze of the drug, unable to feel any particular apprehension for any of the choices.
Are the rewards for higher difficulties worth it? He thought to himself.
Each reward for a higher difficulty tutorial is exponentially more valuable than the last, granting the User greater Fate to survive and thrive in the world of Pharos.
30 Seconds remaining.
29 Seconds remaining.
28 Seconds remaining.
…If I finish the impossible tutorial, will I be able to help people? Jeb thought.
Millions. Billions. More.
13 Seconds remaining.
12 Seconds remaining.
11 Seconds remaining.
Well, Jeb thought, the Ecstasy dimming his anxiety. The math works out in my favor on that, doesn’t it. He was a soldier. It was his goddamn duty to do everything he could. There were thousands more Jebs out there, and if even one of them survived the Impossible difficulty, they could single handedly save the world. Or something like that.
It was practically irresponsible of him not to choose impossible.
Man, everything is spinny.
5 Seconds remaining.
4 Seconds remaining.
3 Seconds remaining.
Make the right choice.
2 Seconds remaining.
1 Second remaining.
He tugged his hand out from the warm blanket the shrink had wrapped him in and poked the >>>IMPOSSIBLE<<< button hovering in front of him. His hand slid through it, but he felt something.
You have selected Impossible!
Scanning Host.
Host is in an altered state, Attribute Quantification impeded.
Removing toxins….Done
Quantifying Attributes….
Jebediah Trapper
Body 5
Myst 0
Nerve 8
The warm fuzzy safety blanket of the drugs was ripped away from him, and all that was left was the dawning horror of realization. Impossible meant he was guaranteed to fail. In this case, failure might mean death.
“Hey WAIT A MINU-“
Teleporting
Between one blink and the next, The roof above his head vanished, replaced with blue skies as bold and natural as any he’d ever seen.
The air went from musty motel to natural earth and plant scents in a fraction of a second. The light shifted.
Jeb was sitting up in the middle of a forest, with no idea where he was or how he’d gotten there.
Why the hell did I pick impossible!? Jeb thought, eyes wide as he glanced around the forest.
Welcome to the Impossible tutorial!
Your sacrifice will not be in vain!
You are currently in the Death Wilds of Pharos! In the crates behind you, you will find supplies to help you complete your trial.
Jeb glanced over his shoulder and spotted three crates behind him. Each of them looked like they were five feet on a side with open tops. Jeb could see m
etal bits coming out the tops of the crates.
You are currently in a Safe zone. Monsters are unable to enter or attack the Safe Zone. Safe zone will expire in 14 days. Tutorial will be complete when the boss has been defeated. Once the tutorial is complete, you will be teleported back to humanity.
To better prepare you for the Impossible tutorial, you have been awarded with fifteen free Ability points. Use them wisely.
Jeb waited for anything more. Any more words to reverberate through his mind, but all was quiet, and so he clambered to his feet, tossing the pink blanket off of himself.
Difficulty? Ability points? What the hell is going on? Am I still high? Would I even know?
Jeb glanced down at his rough hands. Am I in some kind of game? Jeb picked up a bit of dirt and rubbed it between his hands before letting it fall. All of his senses were crisp and clear. He definitely wasn’t high any more. And if someone was jacking his brain, matrix style, it was a damn good simulation.
And that means what? All this is real? Impossible didn’t sound good.
“Hey, can I change the difficulty? I was making those choices in an altered state,” Jeb said aloud, hoping whatever omnipresent thing had done this was able to take last minute requests.
No answer.
Worth a shot, Jeb thought, stomach sinking as his gaze fell on the crates.
“Shi- ow,” Bits of forest poked through his socks as he made his way to the supplies.
The leftmost crates had weapons of every conceivable kind, with the sole exception of firearms, but if it killed things, and it was powered by muscle, it was on the list.
He even spotted an African throwing axe and an Atlatl complete with a dozen darts halfway between the size of a javelin and an arrow. Needless to say, there were plenty of spears, swords, bows, crossbows, axes and knives.
Is this thing bigger on the inside? Jeb wondered, putting his hand into the box and reaching toward the wall of the crate. His hand came into contact with the wall a good foot further out than the side of the crate should’ve been.
Well, that’s fuckin’ weird an’ magical.
Jeb moved to the next box. It had armor of every description, from police riot gear, to full medieval plate armor, to armored bikinis.
Upon finding an armored bikini in the box, Jeb raised an eyebrow. Finding this here meant a couple things: Whatever aliens had done this shit to him had been trawling through comics and art to figure out what ‘armor’ should look like. It also meant whatever superintelligence had been doing it either wasn’t paying attention to human physiology or didn’t care that fantasy tit-protectors didn’t actually stop arrows.
Or….
Am I in a fantasy world with fantasy physics? Teleportation seems to be possible, so why not magical bikini armor?
God, I hope so.
Although, that opened up an entirely different can of worms that begged the question of intent-based physics, or whether everything was an abstract simulation.
Let’s not overthink it. Jeb thought, tossing the bikini aside. Better safe than sorry on the armor front.
The one thing he’d learned from the few times he’d let his younger brother drag him to his SCA sessions, was that actual armor looked…kinda goofy.
He found what he was looking for: a brigandine, heavy leather plated pants, and a decent shield.
Any soldier had to take weight into account when they were choosing their gear, and this was no different. Jeb set the armor he’d chosen up against a nearby tree as he inspected the next crate.
This one was a gold mine.
MRE’s, water, a shovel, toilet paper, rope, matches, med kit, super glue, salt, even a bottle of morphine and some needles…Goddamn. There was even a G.I. stove that looked like it had been ripped right outta someone’s WWII memorabilia. Just fill with something flammable, pump it a few times, and it’s good to go. No electricity or nothing required.
Well, at least I’m not gonna starve immediately, Jeb thought to himself, idly grabbing the shovel and tossing it beside the armor.
Once he’d pulled out enough gear and assembled a kit, he went back to the weapon bin.
What’s the smart choice here? He thought, scanning through the choices.
Crossbow with a sword and board seemed like the go-to answer.
Over the next half an hour, Jeb put on the armor, made a rope sheath for his sword, tied the first aid kit onto his back, made a shoulder strap for the crossbow and harness for the bolts. Then he used the matches to start a fire.
Before he left, he tossed a couple armloads of green wood atop the merrily burning fire.
For the next hour or so, he would have a nice smoke signal to orient himself on. It would be the stupidest thing he could imagine to get lost in the forest outside his safe zone and get murdered.
Assuming they were telling the truth about the safe zone.
There was an added benefit: if there were any humans in the woods, they would be attracted to the smoke. Together they would have a better shot of killing this ‘boss’.
Alright, Jeb thought, blinking. Is there anything I’m missing?
You have been Awarded with Fifteen Free Ability Points. Use them wisely. Jeb recalled the voice telling him that.
Ah yes. Is it like a game mechanic? How do I spend them?
“Character sheet?”
“Spend points?”
“Upgrade!”
“How I shoots web!?”
“...Ability points?”
Ability Points are given as a reward for outstanding achievements, gaining levels, and certain consumables. They apply to a wide range of the User’s physical and magical traits, boosting their average performance, measured by the user’s Abilities.
The available traits are:
Body
Myst
Nerve
Applying points to one of these traits will raise the average performance of hundreds of associated traits.
Body will raise a User’s strength, toughness, healing speed, resistance to poisons and so on.
Myst will boost the User’s connection to the Myst, Affecting the Draw Rate, Range, Storage and Output Capacity of Myst, as well as sensitivity to its presence, and so on.
Nerve enhances the signal clarity, speed and refractory period, etc, of the User’s nerve cells. This is associated with increased intelligence, reaction time, hand-eye coordination, emotional intelligence and mental stability, and so on.
To apply Earned Ability Points, Say or think, ‘Status’, then manually select where to spend your Ability Points. When you have achieved your Class at level 20, you may switch from manual to mental Ability point distribution, although it is not recommended.
Whoah. Jeb blinked the text out of his eyes and absorbed that information a moment.
Status.
Jebediah Trapper
Body 5 +
Myst 0 +
Nerve 8 +
Hmmm… what the hell is Myst, and why don’t I have any of it?
If Jeb’s somewhat well-maintained post-military body was a five, then dropping the extra fifteen points into Body would make him like…The Rock on steroids?
Who am I kidding, The Rock probably does steroids.
Jeb didn’t see the justification for having an 8 on Nerve. Maybe it had been the Ecstasy talkin’.
It was a fun idea to dump it all into Nerve and suddenly become some kind of brainiac who could solve all his problems with relative ease.
Work smarter, not harder. A quote his dad had quoted religiously to his eldest son.
The smart choice though was probably to put four or five points into Nerve, to get him up to hawkings levels of cognitive function, then dump the rest into his Body. He would be smarter, with the physical power to act out his plans.
The only thing scarier than a big angry slab of beef is knowing that you are also staggeringly mentally inferior to the aforementioned slab of beef.
Jeb tapped his fingers on his elbow, looking at the choices.
He had no idea what it was.
He had no idea how to use it.
But given the circumstances… Magical teleportation to a magical forest by magical means with magical crates and magical status windows.
I think you would think what I think.
Yeah, Myst is definitely magic, or magic-adjacent.
Jeb, an average human, having zero aptitude for something he’d never even heard of…it stood to reason.
What if I had fifteen?
This tutorial is labelled as impossible. A Kobayashi Maru. Will simply being smarter and stronger get me a win against impossible odds?
How did Kirk win the Kobayashi Maru?
‘Change the circumstances of the test.’ Another one of his dad’s mantras.
Jeb thought back to his drug-addled brain that had decided to do the impossible test, and further back, to his PTSD that had made a bullet seem more appealing than braving low ceilings or closing his eyes for any length of time.
There were going to be hundreds, no, thousands of people who chose to attempt The Impossible, and they were mostly going to make the smart decision to balance their stats and do as well as they possible could.
You can’t beat an impossible test by following the rules of the test. You have to cheat.
Before he could talk himself out of it, Jeb jammed his finger through the plus sign to the right of Myst, tapping it fifteen times.
Jebediah Trapper
Body 5 +
Myst - 15 +
Nerve 8 +
Confirm?
Jeb covered his face with his palm and hit the confirm button.
Well, if the rate of failure is 100% either way, who wouldn’t want to blow shit up with their minds at least once before they bite the dust?
Jeb was not prepared for the headache that followed. It felt like his head was being driven into a railroad track by a pair of well-muscled track workers with sledgehammers.
They even had a rhythm set up, which was strangely similar to the panicked beating of his heart.
“Ow, OW, FUCK!” Jeb shouted, clutching his skull in the hopes that he could alleviate the pounding nail being driven through his skull through some kind of pressure or massage.
Didn’t help.
The world flickered, popping briefly into the riot of colors those people with four cones say they see, before flickering back to dull greens and browns of the forest.