by Rachel Burns
Tomorrow was Christmas. A package had arrived today. I saw Nanny taking presents out of it and laying them under the tree. I was pretty sure that the presents meant he wasn’t coming.
He really hated me in the meantime. He even felt that he couldn’t come home. Nanny put me to bed early. I lay awake for a long time and worried about everything I could think of.
Nanny had let me sleep in, but now she was dressing me in a pretty dress. She clipped a bow in my hair.
I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I looked at myself closely. I didn’t look any different, and I didn’t feel any different. Maybe it was only a false alarm. I hadn’t gotten my period at the club either. Maybe the scare was doing it. Maybe my body expected more, so it was shutting down again.
I was over three weeks late now. What would a pregnancy mean?
Nanny brought me down to breakfast. The doctor was also there. I had been avoiding him.
I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him. Nanny gave me a push to my spot at the table. The doctor pretended not to notice that I was afraid of him.
I was afraid that he would guess what had happen and confirm my fears. I didn’t want to be pregnant. The thought of sharing my body with some strange child was freaking me out, so I was suppressing everything. That was getting harder to do every day. I couldn’t think about anything else.
Nanny and the doctor talked with each other, and I remained quiet. I was somehow surprised that I was sitting here in a Christmas dress and eating as if nothing had happened. I was always surprised that I could get up and move after Rick had finished with me too. I found it unbelievable that those things could happen to someone and that they could live.
Shouldn’t the monstrosity of Daddy getting me pregnant stop the world from turning? Or at the least end my own life?
Life went on, and there I sat with a silver fork in my hand, worrying that he might come in. My chair was the one that faced away from the door. I looked around the room for a bit.
The empty chair at the head of the table was the most predominant thing in the room.
I wished that I had gone to Daddy and talked to him. I shouldn’t have runaway. Or I shouldn’t have mouthed off the day at the house. Daddy could have married Amy, and everyone would be happier than what they were now. I had ruined everything for everyone.
Without Daddy here the others were unsure what to do too. The doctor took the lead. He told us to join him in the living room because he had brought presents for us.
I didn’t have anything for anyone, more shame and more guilt for me to feel.
Nanny took my hand and sat me down on the sofa. The doctor smiled at me and held out a present for me to open.
“But I don’t have anything to give anyone else.” I felt the heat rise to my cheeks.
“When you get to be my age, you don’t need anything anymore. Please, open it. I want you to have it.”
I nodded and opened it. It was a music box. It was really beautiful. It played a beautiful little tune, ‘Für Elise’. It was one of my favorites. That tune always calmed me.
“Thank you very much. It’s really lovely.”
“It belonged to my wife. I miss her very much. Did you know that Nanny was her nanny too?” He smiled over at her. “When your Daddy came and told me about you, I recommended Nanny highly to him.”
He turned to Nanny and gave her a gift. She blushed and opened it. They spoke and talked about old times.
I was left with my own thoughts.
It was hard for me not to think about where I was last year at this time. Daddy had smiled at me and given me my only present. He had been the only one to think about me at all.
Well, he was the only one who didn’t think about hurting me. Perhaps it would have been best if I really had died then.
I had to cry again. I excused myself for nap. Nanny let me go up alone. I took my music box with me and listened to it in my room.
Daddy didn’t come.
He didn’t come for New Year’s either, the day that marked our one year anniversary. I could only imagine that he regretted that he had taken me in.
The doctor tried to visit me again and check me over. He wanted a blood sample at least.
I refused, and he and Nanny looked so disappointed in me. I felt that as long as I kept my secret, I wouldn’t be expecting. It was a child that Daddy wouldn’t want either.
Morning sickness started in, and Nanny was getting scared. She thought that I was sick from emotional distress. I heard her tell Daddy so on the phone.
She had no idea that we had – done what we had.
I wondered what he was thinking as she begged him to come home. She made a disappointed noise. He wasn’t coming back – ever. That was clear.
I was alone – so alone with my problems.
The doctor came in one morning while I was throwing up. He took my arm and stabbed the needle in and took his blood sample. He left as I bawled on the floor.
I wondered how fast he would be back with the results.
My charade was falling to pieces at my feet.
It was late afternoon when his cell rang. Collin recognized the number and answered. He had a constant fear that Becky would get hold of Nanny’s cell, and she would be on the other line, and not Nanny.
What would he say then? Would it be best to simply hang up?
Could he hurt her that way? He had already hurt her so much.
Nanny said that Becky was sick every morning. That was of course his fault. He still couldn’t believe what he had done to her.
What had he been thinking? He had wanted to show her that he would be the only man in her life. Now he wasn’t even in her life. He had left her alone.
He was so disappointed with himself. She needed him, and he wasn’t there for her.
He was breaking his promises to her, one after another. They were falling down like dominos.
First he put her in a position where that bitch Amy could hurt her, and then instead of consoling her he pushed her away and punished her even more like it had been her fault. And then she left, and he had done the unspeakable to his own child.
“Hello?” His voice was shaking.
“Sir, we have had quite a shock this morning. I really don’t know how to put this but Becky is –”
Gone? Dead? How was Nanny going to end that sentence?
“Pregnant. She is honestly pregnant. I don’t know when she – You understand, but somehow she managed it. While at least we know she isn’t really sick. How dare she let us worry like that when she must have figured it the whole time? Sir, how do you want me to proceed? I’ll do as you say.”
“Nanny, please calm down. I figured that was the problem.” He felt so ashamed of himself.
“But how could you have guessed?” Nanny’s mind wasn’t ready to make the next step.
“Because I’m the father,” he tried to speak as quietly as he could. He was out on a busy sidewalk, and people were passing by.
“Yes, and I’m her nanny, and I had no idea.”
Nanny still didn’t understand him. “I’m the baby’s father. I did that to Becky. Please, take the best care of her. She can have whatever she wants, anything at all, just not her freedom. Do you understand, Nanny?”
Nanny was speechless. “When?” That was the only thing she was capable of saying.
“The day she ran away. I took her punishment too far. I’m really sorry about everything. Do you understand why I can’t come home now? She must hate me.” He wanted Nanny to tell him that wasn’t true, and that she had been asking for him.
“How do you want me to handle this? Should we get rid of it?” Nanny whispered into the phone.
“No, she wanted a baby. She should be able to keep it. I’ll do right by both of them. I can’t face her yet. Give her whatever she wants. Keep her happy.”
“But she isn’t happy, and she doesn’t want anything. She still hasn’t even opened the Christmas gifts from you. They are still laying
in the living room. She has been so depressed now that, she can’t work outside in the garden. Becky won’t play the piano or sing. She spends most of the day staring out the window at the garden or working on the computer designing it.”
He had broken her spirit; a spirit that he had worked so hard on fixing. His little angel was suffering, and it was his fault.
“Whatever she wants. Don’t be mad at her. It was my fault, not hers. Take care of her.” He hung up and hurried back to his apartment.
He sat down on the sofa and let everything run through his mind while Becky suffered at home.
The doctor came in and spoke with Nanny. They even got loud out in the hall. They knew now. I heard Nanny ranting. She assumed that Daddy wasn’t the father. The doctor didn’t sound so sure.
I heard Nanny calling him. At first she had sounded so mad, and then she couldn’t get a word out. Daddy had confessed that the child was his.
Was he instructing her to make me get an abortion? How would I feel about that?
The depression that I was in was the strongest thing in my life at the moment. It was a sadness that was laced with so much regret. All of my thoughts started with ‘if only’.
Nanny was in shock. She didn’t know what to say, but she kept repeating that if I wanted anything that she would see to it that I got it.
I didn’t want to be bribed.
Besides, what I was planning in the garden was going to cost him a fortune. But it would be the place where I could hide from everyone. I had something similar at my house, but Daddy had more space and more money.
I was building myself a beautiful Japanese garden with a waterfall and a couple of ponds. I would be able to do my pregnancy yoga or whatever it was that pregnant women did in the pavilion that was going to be built there.
The sound of moving water had always calmed me best, and I really needed to calm my nerves.
Chapter 20 – Everyone Deserves To Be Loved
Spring came early and I pulled Nanny out into the garden with me. The workers were doing the pavilion today. My designs were in their hands, and a real architect was there to make sure that everything would be safe and sound.
I stood there smiling with my hands on my tummy, watching them.
Extra gardeners were here planting the trees and bushes I had ordered. This was all going to take a couple of days, but by this evening a person would already be able to imagine what it could be like.
The gardener and I had shoveled out the paths for the water in early winter before anyone knew I was pregnant. Now all they let me do was watch.
It was April, and I was over five months along. Everyone knew that I was expecting.
I was pregnant with no man at my side, Daddy or otherwise.
I could guess what people in town were thinking. I knew what I would think if I were them.
Everything was finished. The huge heavy rocks had been placed, the water was in and the water fall was running. The little pavilion was painted a dark green. The grass had arrived and had been laid out into place. It was beautiful.
I had to show Nanny. I found her sleeping on the sofa with her book on her lap. I gently shook her awake. “It’s finished Nanny. Come and look at it with me.” I had a surprise for her.
Nanny smiled at me and slowly stood. She had gotten so much older lately. It was hard work for her to get up and move around. The doctor was usually here, but he wasn’t right now. I would pull him out as soon as he came.
Those two people were my whole life. Their opinion meant a lot to me.
I walked very slowly with my nanny holding my hand and smiling at me.
She seemed to be happy simply because I was smiling. Her eyes were on me and not on my beautiful garden.
“Look Nanny.” I made a motion with my arm over the expansion of the garden.
Nanny tore her face away from mine and looked over the garden. Her jaw dropped, and she cried a little. “My little girl is so gifted.”
“Nanny, I had lots of help, and you know what they say, with money anything is possible.” I still had her hand, and I pulled her to a table, normal sized not Japanese. I doubted that either one of us could get up from something that low.
I already had a teapot and cups and saucers waiting for us. I wanted to play tea party with Nanny. I had an extra cup ready for when the doctor came.
I poured tea for Nanny and asked if she wanted sugar. She beamed at me and answered that she did.
I mixed in some for her and gave Nanny her cup. I sat down across from her and fixed my own tea. We were really having fun. Nanny praised me non-stop.
“Where are my girls?” the doctor called out. I stood and waved, so he could see us. The table was a little hidden in the bushes, but that had been the idea.
He slowly moved towards us looking around. “This turned out really nice, Becky. Your daddy is going to be very pleased with you.”
He was still talking about Daddy like he came home every night. He wasn’t trying to take his place. It was more like he wanted to keep him alive in our minds. Daddy’s chair had remained empty at the table.
“I made tea. Would you like some?”
“Yes, thank you very much Becky.” He sat down, and I stood and poured tea for him.
“Thank you,” he said as he took his cup with lots of sugar. “Becky, you’re due an examination today.”
I made a bit of a face at that.
“This way Nanny will have something to tell your Daddy about this evening when he calls.”
“She could tell him about the garden,” I murmured under my breath.
“I’m sure she will, and about the tea party, and about the baby. They can talk for a long time once you’re in bed.”
The more time I spent with the doctor the easier it was picturing him as a Daddy. He had a tone that was very parental.
Nanny brought me to bed early that night.
I heard her praising me in the highest tones to Daddy on the phone.
She and the doctor had taken pictures of the garden to send to him. They kept trying to get pictures of me too, but I moved every time, so the only thing he would be getting was pictures of my back.
Nanny told Daddy about the tea party. She had really liked that, and then she told him about my check up. We had driven into town for that.
I knew that the baby was going to be a boy, and that he was healthy.
Of course he was. Daddy was a health nut, and I had been living according to his life style, lots of vegetables and sports every day.
I listened as Nanny talked to him. She was doing all the talking, so I couldn’t tell how he was reacting.
I wondered how he felt about the baby. He didn’t need it because he had me.
Nanny had been trying to get me to order clothes for the baby and to decorate a room for him. I promised I would as soon as the garden was finished.
I didn’t really feel like it. I felt that I should clear the air with Daddy first before any plans were made for the baby. I wasn’t even sure if Daddy would want the baby – here – with his own room.
I kind of thought it would be enough for the baby to have a bassinet next to my bed.
After Nanny had finished jabbering with Daddy, she came in and sat down on my bed. She never did that before. Normally, once she had brought me to bed, she didn’t return unless I had a nightmare.
“My beautiful child, you did really well with the garden. Your Daddy was very pleased. He loves you so much. But now I want to remind you, that you made me a promise. You promised that you would get the house ready for your baby. He needs you. Make him feel welcome. He deserves to be loved. Everyone does.”
Nanny had never talked to me like that before. She was there, and she helped me where she could. However, as a rule, I dressed myself and let her do the things that she felt I couldn’t do and that gave her pleasure. She liked to brush my hair and put those big gaudy bows in it, but she didn’t really give me advice. I had always done what she told me until the baby had come
along.
“Yes, Nanny. I’ll keep my promise.” She smiled and left me.
I snuggled into my pillow and laid my hand on my tummy. I think the fact that the baby was a boy bothered me. He would one day grow up and hurt women. They all did.
I would have rather had a little girl, and I would have protected her as best as I could, but with a boy – I felt I needed protection from him.
“Child, Nanny would like you to play the piano for her.” She smiled at me with so much love.
I didn’t want to play, but I didn’t want to decorate a baby’s room even more. It was the lesser of two evils in my mind.
“Of course, Nanny.” I took her arm and led her into the living room. I sat her down on the sofa and noticed that she didn’t have a book. “Should I get you your book, Nanny?”
“No child, Nanny is just fine. Play something for me.” She was still smiling, happy to be with me.
“What would you like to hear, Nanny?”
“‘Für Elise’ would be lovely.”
“Okay, Nanny.” I sat down and started right in with the melody that I too loved. I played it several times and even hummed along.
I looked up to see if Nanny was pleased. She was sleeping. I smiled to myself and wondered if the tune would have the same effect on the baby.
I realized that was the first positive thought I had had about the baby.
I stopped playing and decided to sneak into Daddy’s study to start looking up what babies needed, and to see what I needed to know.
I looked over at Nanny. She looked different than she usually did. I quietly moved over to her and watched her breathing. I waited for her chest to lift or descend, but it didn’t.
I had tears in my eyes, and I pulled all of my courage together to take her pulse. I couldn’t find one.