Steve focused on the lake, gleaming orange and blue in a sunset that gilded the living-room windows. For a moment he said nothing, his jaw twitching and the vein in his neck pulsing. Brenda could feel his anger. So many years together had taught her to read his silences as well as his words. He was furious. He hadn’t forgiven her. He wouldn’t be willing to try. She could see the message in the stiff set of his shoulders and the fists clenched at his sides.
Finally, he turned to her. “You betrayed me, Brenda. Don’t try to tell me it was nothing just because you didn’t sleep with that man. You wanted to. You would have. You gave your heart to him. You broke our marriage into pieces.”
“I know,” she said softly.
“And don’t try to rationalize it by blaming me for working too much. You know what I do. You’ve been to my office, and you’ve seen the load I carry. When I left the auto-parts business, you supported me. Everything I did got your blessing. And then you turned on me. You started resenting me and treating me like dirt. You wouldn’t talk to me or touch me.”
He gritted his teeth. “You let him touch you,” he ground out. “You let that man hold you in his arms when you wouldn’t even look at me. I needed you, Brenda. I needed you in our bed at night, and you turned me away. I needed you to be there for me when I came home from work—to sit on my lap and hug me the way you used to. But you wouldn’t come near me.”
She sniffled, struggling to hold back the words of recrimination that rose inside her. I needed you too, but you were gone! she wanted to shout at Steve. You weren’t there for me, so why should I be there for you? You abandoned me! You ignored me! You deserted your own wife!
But she had said those things already—too many times. If Steve had heard them, he knew how she felt. And if he hadn’t heard her before, he wasn’t likely to listen now. Now was not the time to cast her own hurts on him. She owed him this chance to vent his rage at her. She deserved everything he said.
“You know what kind of man I am,” Steve said, fastening his eyes on her. “You’ve known me since high school. I needed a wife who would be there for me, always by my side, holding me up. I married you because you were the woman whose touch I needed. I promised to take care of you and provide for you and our children, and I have. I kept up my part of the deal. But you just blew it off. You treated my love and faithfulness like trash!”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, brushing her damp cheeks. She recalled her hope of rebuilding a summertime marriage and Patsy’s tiny impatiens that had begun to sprout from the seeds of past years. “I know what I did was wrong. I know I hurt you and deceived you. I realize I was disloyal to our wedding vows. I can’t defend myself, and I won’t try, Steve. I deserve your anger. But I wish…I really wish you could find a way to forgive me.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason.”
“I’ll give you three good reasons,” she said immediately. “Our children. It would kill them if we divorced.”
“The kids don’t live here anymore, Brenda. They have their own lives, even though you haven’t figured that out. They don’t need us or our happy little home. Most of their friends have parents who’ve been divorced. If we went our separate ways, it might rock their boat a little, but it wouldn’t kill them.”
“What about your parents? And my dad?”
“Same thing. They’d be disappointed, but that’s no reason to maintain this sham of a marriage.”
“It wasn’t always a sham. We loved each other. We could learn to do that again. But not if you won’t forgive me. If you can’t do it for our family or for me, then do it for yourself. Don’t let my failure make you bitter and angry, Steve. And please…please don’t give up on us.”
“Hey! There’s my daddy’s letter!” Cody padded in his stocking feet into the kitchen. “You found it in the pocket of my pants. I almost forgot about it. Daddy wrote it before he put me out of the car. He said I was twenty-one, and it was time to make my way.”
Brenda turned toward the voice and was stunned at the sight of the young man. Cody positively gleamed. His hair had begun to grow back. His blue eyes sparkled, his cheeks glowed pink, and his freshly shaved jaw looked as smooth as silk. In the new T-shirt and jeans, he looked almost like one of Justin’s friends—maybe even a little better, to tell the truth. Cody had an appointment with the dentist next week, and he’d started using the toothbrush Brenda bought him.
“My daddy wrote that I’m a good boy,” Cody announced, pointing to the letter. “He read it to me. He said I’m a Christian, and I don’t lie or steal, and I know how to keep things span. I can do my numbers and say my Bible verses too. And my daddy crossed the river and went to glory, so we won’t see each other again until the great by-and-by. Do you know when that is? I really miss him. We used to eat hot dogs together.”
“I think it will be a while,” Brenda said. “The main thing to remember is that your daddy loved you very much, and he was proud of you.”
Cody nodded. “After he drove away and left me behind, I didn’t know what to do. I cried. I walked on the road, and I walked into towns. People shouted at me. One time some boys threw rocks at me. Another time, some men got me into a fight, and they pushed me onto the ground and hit me hard. It hurt a lot. I didn’t like being alone without my daddy. But then the storm came, and I found you and the pink cat. You’re a Christian.”
Brenda rubbed her hand up and down Cody’s thin arm. “It’s all right now. We’ll figure something out.”
“Okay,” Cody said.
“Why are you carrying your shoes? You should put them on.”
“They have strings, see? I don’t know how to tie things. I never got the hang of it.”
Taking the shoes, Brenda pointed out a spot on the kitchen floor. They sat down together, and she pulled a sneaker onto his foot. “I’ll do this one,” she told him, “while you copy me on the other one.”
“Okay,” Cody grunted as he tugged his foot into the second shoe.
“Take the two ends like this,” Brenda said, demonstrating. “They’re called shoelaces. Now cross them over and then under. Now, pull.”
Cody fumbled with the laces, his fingers tangling together and getting caught in his jeans, until finally Brenda helped him make the first tie. Recalling hours spent teaching her children this very skill, Brenda worked with him on making loops and finishing the bow. When they looked up at each other at last, Cody had created something of a loose knot that no doubt would come undone within three or four steps. But he was beside himself with joy.
“I did it!” he exclaimed. “Hey, I did it!” He threw his arms around Brenda, nearly knocking her over on the kitchen floor.
She laughed and ran her hand over his stubby hair. “How about some of our favorite chocolate cake?”
“I love chocolate cake! In triangles or squares?”
“Squares, of course. That’s the way we like it best.”
Smiling, she stood and helped Cody to his feet. As she turned toward the cupboard, she saw Steve standing in the doorway where the kitchen met the foyer. He had turned away from her. Head bowed and shoulders bent, he was rubbing his eyes.
“Steve?” Brenda stepped to his side and laid her hand on his arm. He felt cold, trembling. “Are you all right?”
He lifted his head, and she could see that his eyes were red. “You always used to do that,” he managed, his voice husky. “With the kids…you helped them learn to tie their shoes.”
“I miss them,” she admitted. “It’s been hard for me since Jessica left. They’re all gone now, and…and I’m lonely.”
Nodding, he covered her hand with his own. “I don’t know how to forgive you, Brenda. I can’t figure out how to stop thinking about what happened. How to let it go. How to get rid of the anger.”
“I’ve been angry too, and it’s not a good thing. It’s been eating me up inside. I felt so empty.”
“Is that why you gave someone else your heart?”
“Maybe.” She closed
her eyes, wishing she could erase everything she had done. “Probably.”
“You were angry with me for being so busy?”
“For being gone.” She laid her head on his shoulder. “I realize it doesn’t make sense, Steve, but I rejected you because I felt abandoned by you. A few minutes ago, you said you married me because you needed my touch. Well, I married you because I needed your presence. I’ve missed you. This fall, with the house so empty, it began to feel like we never talked or went on walks together or sat on the sofa in each other’s arms.”
“But that’s what I’ve been wanting.”
“Me too.”
He swallowed hard. “I don’t know if I can forgive, Brenda. It’s like you stuck a knife in my heart and turned the blade until you made sure I was dead. The idea of us ever being that way again…the way we were…seems impossible.”
“Could we try?”
“I’m not sure,” he said.
“I’m willing.” She turned to face him. “I know it will take a lot of hard work. Maybe it’ll be years before we get things to feel really right again. But I’m ready to make the effort. I want to try to support you in your work like I used to. I want you to succeed, and I really am proud of everything you’ve accomplished. I respect you, Steve. You’re a good man.”
Pressing his lips together, he lifted his focus to the ceiling. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words. To feel your hand on my arm and your head on my shoulder. To believe that you don’t despise me.”
“I love you, Steve. And I never stopped.” Fearing the worst possible reaction from him, Brenda summoned her courage and slipped her arms around her husband. Drawing him close, she held him tightly and brushed her fingertips up and down his back.
At last, he lifted his own arms and encircled her. Laying his cheek against her head, he rocked her lightly, the way he always had.
“All right, honey.” He breathed the words against her ear. “I’ll try…. I’ll try.”
Through her tears, Brenda spotted Cody heading toward them. Three plates—each holding a mangled square of chocolate cake—balanced precariously in his hands. He grinned through chocolate icing smeared around the corners of his mouth.
“I’ll try too!” Cody said happily. “I’ll try this chocolate cake, because I know it’s gonna be good. Brenda always does the best chocolate cakes, and that’s because she’s a Christian. I think you are too, Steve. You helped me try to catch fish, and that’s like the five loaves and two fishes and everyone eating till they were full. My daddy learned me about it in Matthew 14:16: ‘But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to eat.’ And here we are, all three of us together, sharing our chocolate cake just like Jesus!”
Brenda grabbed a plate before the cake could topple onto the floor. She handed it to Steve and took another. “Thank you, Cody.”
Cody stuck a fork into his cake. “ ‘Give ye them to eat,’ and that’s how you be a Christian. That, and forgive. When those men were hitting me, I said Luke 6:36 and 37 over and over. ‘Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.’ That’s a really good one if you want to be a Christian and pass on to glory in the great by-and-by.”
As Cody ate, Brenda shifted her focus to Steve and recognized in his eyes a tenderness she had not seen for a very long time.
Walking away from his office and driving home while the sun was still shining turned out to be one of the hardest things Steve had ever done. For three days, he had jerked his attention from the active, bustling world of real estate and gone home to eat dinner with a woman he wasn’t sure he could ever truly love again. He had told Brenda he would try, and he was trying. He had decided to give it a week, and if things hadn’t improved—at least slightly—he would have to reevaluate.
The first night he had come home early, Brenda was so surprised to see him that she dropped a pan of lasagna on the floor, and they had to go out to eat. The second night, she grilled steaks and served them with baked potatoes and fresh green salad.
Now, on the third night—right in the midst of negotiations between the potential buyer and the seller of a million-dollar lake home—he had forced himself to call a halt to the proceedings. He had turned off his cell phone, instructed his secretary to hold all his calls until the following morning, and pressed the button that would lock his office door. After driving to Deepwater Cove, greeting Brenda at the door, and eating a big helping of stir-fried chicken, he pushed his pink plaid chair back from their table.
“Let’s walk again like we did yesterday!” Cody spoke up. “Let’s go down to the lake and see if Charlie Moore has caught any fish.”
As Steve had learned, the young man typically showed up at the front door the moment Brenda took dinner out of the oven. Brenda explained that ever since Cody’s return to the neighborhood, he had been eating most meals with her. She seemed to have substituted Cody for her husband at the table, and Steve had felt almost awkward resuming his traditional place at its head.
“I’d like to go for a walk too.” Brenda glanced at Steve, her expression wary. “Do you want to join us?”
If he were to tell the truth, Steve would have to say no. He didn’t want to walk around the neighborhood or watch Charlie Moore fish. He wanted to be back in his office negotiating a lucrative sale. Or taking a valued client to the country club for dinner. In fact, the last two people on earth he wanted to spend time with were Brenda and Cody.
“Sure.” He forced the word out of his mouth. “I’ll get our jackets. It was a little cool outside when I drove home.”
Struggling to be more pleasant to his wife than he felt, Steve brought jackets from the coat closet. He helped Cody get his arms into the long sleeves—a major endeavor, as it turned out. Then they set off into the gathering dusk, Cody hurrying ahead and Steve walking dutifully beside his wife.
Every time he thought about what she had done with that scrawny handyman, Steve faced an array of arrows aimed straight at his heart. Part of him wanted to shake his wife, yell at her, make her cower in the dirt in repentance. Part of him wanted to hunt down Nick LeClair and challenge him to a fistfight. Instead of giving in to those emotions, Steve had decided to take pride in the fact that he was maintaining his cool, doing his best to meet Brenda’s requests, and remaining steadfastly at her side.
It was a stretch, he knew. But didn’t he deserve some credit? After all, how many men would have even gone this far in trying to salvage a broken marriage?
But he knew congratulating himself wouldn’t make him feel good for very long. The fact was, the challenge of making his marriage work held little allure. Steve inevitably found his thoughts traveling in circles—always back to Brenda’s betrayal and his own pain.
“Thank you for coming home for dinner again tonight,” Brenda said as they strolled down the narrow paved road toward the lake. “It almost feels like before—when I could count on you and prepare a meal I knew you would enjoy. I realize it must be difficult for you to leave your office so early and—”
“No,” he snapped at her without thinking. “No, I don’t think you do. Tonight I was in the middle of a sale on a three-tiered, seven-bedroom, ten-bath home with a swimming pool near Sunrise Beach. Right on the dot at six o’clock, I got a counteroffer from the prospective buyer, but I decided not to call the seller about it until tomorrow.”
“Oh,” she said meekly, “I see.”
Steve sighed. “It’s not easy—that’s all I’m saying, Brenda. I told you I’d try, so I am. See, I came home, and now I’m walking to the lake. I hope you’re happy.”
She moved beside him in silence.
“Look, I didn’t intend to sound harsh,” he continued. “But I mean, look at it from my point of view. I’m the one who got burned, and now I’m the one who has to make sacrifices.”
“When a marriage goes down in flames,” Brenda said, “bo
th people get burned. I’ve been hurting for a long time. You’ve been gone so much I began to think I might actually get used to it. But I never did.”
“I haven’t been gone. Not like guys who fish or golf all the time. I’ve been working, Brenda.”
“Is it any different?”
“Of course it is! I’m not goofing off. I’m earning money for my family.”
“You’ve been gone. That’s the only thing that matters.”
“Well, now I’m here. What else do you want?”
Instead of answering, Brenda pasted on a smile and waved at Esther Moore, who was sitting on her porch brushing her dog. Boofer spotted Cody and tried to run to him, but Esther held on tight.
“Animals love Cody,” Brenda observed. “I guess he must be very gentle with them.”
Way to change the subject, Steve thought. Well, good. He didn’t want to talk about their marriage anyway. There was nothing more he could do except endure it. That, and alter his entire pattern of existence.
“You know, it might help if I wasn’t the only one working on this relationship, Brenda,” he said. “I’ve been coming home early, eating dinner with you, taking these walks. I’m trying to be civil to you—”
“And you have no idea how much all that means to me. We used to enjoy spending time together, remember? You would tell me about your work and all the people who came into the auto-parts store. I’d like to hear what’s going on in your agency now. I want to be supportive, because I know how much your work means to you. Everyone in the community talks about what a great salesman you are, and it makes me really proud to be your wife. I love it that you’re smart and successful. But mostly, I’m just glad you come home to me. I feel…it’s hard to explain, Steve…but I feel better.”
Before he could respond, she reached over and slipped her hand into his. Instinctively, he wrapped his fingers around hers. Like kids on an awkward date, they walked along the gravel path toward the lake in stilted silence.
It Happens Every Spring Page 24